"...but what more is there to do but to sit in that muddy puddle of life
after the rain has finally let up?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Quiet. That's how everything always is. Nothing but darkness and quiet. Surrounded by the things he lets he feel. Nothing but a world of fragrant bars and hooks to keep me locked away. A prison of Roses. At one time, I do remember, being an equal to my peers-to the world. Living a life somewhat normal. But then...
Now it's different know. Everything has changed. A whole world that revolves around MY existence. Around MY hidden power. And the funny thing is, I am the most dead and powerless being on this entire campus. Just a bird, wanting to be loved, wanting to be cared for. Being tossed around from master to master looking for a perfect fit. But that perfect fit would mean my perfect happiness. And that is not allowed for someone like me. No, never. He must alter and twist my world to assure that I do not find happiness other than with him. If so, I could go astray. And that little bird, he cannot loose. That little singing nightingale cannot fly away, for he shall perish it is sure.
So for me, happiness has become a guilty pleasure. Something taboo and mysterious.
I remember when Juri was my master. She had successfully defeated the first Victor, Touga Kiryuu. Arisugawa-the most reclusive and aloof student on the campus. She treated me, well, I was there...that was all. She ignored me most of the day and always ordered me to go and "be" somewhere else. But when we were in her room sometimes she'd just break away into tears and hold that locket. That was when things changed. She wanted me there. She talked with me and told me everything, knowing I could tell no one. I was her only release and she came to respect me. But then, one night after hearing from someone about her Shiori, she lost it. Juri was blinded in a rage so great. I do not know what news about Shiori she was given, but it couldn't have been good. Juri pushed me about the room and slapped me once. She then caught herself and apologized and sat me on the bed.
'I'm sorry. It's just that I ... I wish Shiori would reciprocate my feelings. Would...love me. No one... no one understands, Shiori. No one.'
And upon calling me by that of her love, something in her mind slipped away. Something that held the stoic beauty together. And in the moment, she saw me as that love she missed. Coming closer and kissing me. Doing all of the things she wished to do to Shiori...but to me. Briefly after all of that, she lost the duel to Touga. Upon reclaiming his rusty crown, he seemed to treat his time with me as a prolonged date. Giving me flowers and candies and a doll. A small stuffed toy, blue and pink. A mouse or a monkey of sorts. And in the same magic used-where the dead walk as living phantoms and power immerses from the recesses of a tortured soul-brought me my Chu Chu.
That is why Saionji hated him so. He saw a little bit of Touga in him ever time Chu Chu was near. Even though, I usually forget the true origin of my only friend, Touga still was the one to give him to me in the first place...I doubt he even remembers.
Eventually, my guilty pleasure arose in the newest duelist and Victor. Utena. Everything was becoming more and more perfect. I was finally happy. Finally with a prince of reality. But then, he had to change everything. To force me to forget about the night she told me her feelings. To bring us to his chambers. To continue those rendez vous in the planetarium, even after I began to protest. To change Utena, and play with her tortured heart. Her only weakness was her vibrating heartstrings that, once started, could not cease to play. Even the other student council members were being used. Are being being used! Saionji-plagued with the competition of his only friend- feeling more and more inferior as time goes on. I never blamed him for the things he did to me. I understood him. But they used it all against him. Juri-trapped in a downward spiral of unrequited love. Wanting the only thing she couldn't have. But they twisted her problems by throwing Ruka in and pulling at her morals and her already unstable life. Miki-connected to his sister in a complex that would not go away. Obsessed with the beauty his sister once possessed, the purity of their relationship that he could never get back. But they threw her back at him in a plot to make him want that "shining thing" even more. And Nanami-in love with the only man she cannot have. Her very own brother. Wanting only the ties between them to be sacred and pure. For him to love her because of his own true feelings and not to be like me. Holding him there by giving herself away. Both of them: brother and Touga. Using Utena! Using Saionji! Using Juri! Using Miki! Using Nanami! AND USING ME!
I cried out in my sleep. Utena crawled over to me on our double bed and woke me from my tortured thoughts.
"Anthy! Are you alright? You cried out, 'stop using me!' What does that mean?"
Oh, how I wanted to tell her. But I couldn't. Just to tell her everything, to free myself from this cage. Nanami was right, not wanting to be like me. I was nothing now for letting him do as he pleased and now he controlled me. Just a shell to do Akio's bidding.
"Miss Utena, you see, it's just that..."
"Yes, Anthy?"
"Oh, nothing."
She frowned a bit, her eyes fixated and concerned. Still my head laid on her lap as she smoothed her fingers through my hair. Could it be true? Was there still some of her real self there? Undaunted by the will of my brother. Oh, Utena! Love me like you said you did! Be the prince that you said you were! Forget about the temptation that the devil has set before you! I too have been tricked by the unholy pomegranates of his world. He's nothing but a mere shadow! An illusion-a phantom of a true and caring prince that was lost long ago. But Utena, that prince is gone. And the only ones left are corrupted by the evils of living. Even though it may seem that you to have been corrupted, look into your heart...is that pure and noble dream still there? That is what cures you and fires you forward. Become the prince to replace all others. Don't question yourself. Whether I be the princess or not...it IS a good idea!
"Utena!"
"Anthy?"
"I...I ...nevermind."
The dark and grinning eyes of my brother were burnt into my mind. I loved him somewhere in my heart, but only the way he once was. This new and cruel hybrid we call Akio is different, but something inside me thinks that he will return to the way he once was if I continue my manner this way. It's crazy, I know. But something inside of me cannot let go of the loss. I want so much to be able to move on. But I feel just as much, that deep loss of my brother. And I do not even understand myself sometimes, but at some moments, I even grow jealous of Utena for the attention she has gained from my brother. But when it all comes down to it, I needed to move on and stop this game of mourning. I found my prince. My Utena. But now, all that was left to do was to get over myself and try to make Utena see what I see. But how...to tell her? To tell her everything? Was that really such a good idea? Was I able to? What would Akio do if he found out? Would it matter? I could not seriously go on like this. It had to end somewhere. It just did.
"Utena...there is something I need to tell you. Something I've been needing to tell you."
"What is it?"
"But to understand you must listen with a clear mind, free from all the constrains that may hinder your thoughts."
"Anthy? What...what's wrong?"
"It's about everything...about all of this. About the duel, about the rose seal, about Akio, about me. It's about eternity..."
Utena...
...bring me...
...to eternity....
...with you...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Dig yourself out of it and wash it all off."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Quiet. That's how everything always is. Nothing but darkness and quiet. Surrounded by the things he lets he feel. Nothing but a world of fragrant bars and hooks to keep me locked away. A prison of Roses. At one time, I do remember, being an equal to my peers-to the world. Living a life somewhat normal. But then...
Now it's different know. Everything has changed. A whole world that revolves around MY existence. Around MY hidden power. And the funny thing is, I am the most dead and powerless being on this entire campus. Just a bird, wanting to be loved, wanting to be cared for. Being tossed around from master to master looking for a perfect fit. But that perfect fit would mean my perfect happiness. And that is not allowed for someone like me. No, never. He must alter and twist my world to assure that I do not find happiness other than with him. If so, I could go astray. And that little bird, he cannot loose. That little singing nightingale cannot fly away, for he shall perish it is sure.
So for me, happiness has become a guilty pleasure. Something taboo and mysterious.
I remember when Juri was my master. She had successfully defeated the first Victor, Touga Kiryuu. Arisugawa-the most reclusive and aloof student on the campus. She treated me, well, I was there...that was all. She ignored me most of the day and always ordered me to go and "be" somewhere else. But when we were in her room sometimes she'd just break away into tears and hold that locket. That was when things changed. She wanted me there. She talked with me and told me everything, knowing I could tell no one. I was her only release and she came to respect me. But then, one night after hearing from someone about her Shiori, she lost it. Juri was blinded in a rage so great. I do not know what news about Shiori she was given, but it couldn't have been good. Juri pushed me about the room and slapped me once. She then caught herself and apologized and sat me on the bed.
'I'm sorry. It's just that I ... I wish Shiori would reciprocate my feelings. Would...love me. No one... no one understands, Shiori. No one.'
And upon calling me by that of her love, something in her mind slipped away. Something that held the stoic beauty together. And in the moment, she saw me as that love she missed. Coming closer and kissing me. Doing all of the things she wished to do to Shiori...but to me. Briefly after all of that, she lost the duel to Touga. Upon reclaiming his rusty crown, he seemed to treat his time with me as a prolonged date. Giving me flowers and candies and a doll. A small stuffed toy, blue and pink. A mouse or a monkey of sorts. And in the same magic used-where the dead walk as living phantoms and power immerses from the recesses of a tortured soul-brought me my Chu Chu.
That is why Saionji hated him so. He saw a little bit of Touga in him ever time Chu Chu was near. Even though, I usually forget the true origin of my only friend, Touga still was the one to give him to me in the first place...I doubt he even remembers.
Eventually, my guilty pleasure arose in the newest duelist and Victor. Utena. Everything was becoming more and more perfect. I was finally happy. Finally with a prince of reality. But then, he had to change everything. To force me to forget about the night she told me her feelings. To bring us to his chambers. To continue those rendez vous in the planetarium, even after I began to protest. To change Utena, and play with her tortured heart. Her only weakness was her vibrating heartstrings that, once started, could not cease to play. Even the other student council members were being used. Are being being used! Saionji-plagued with the competition of his only friend- feeling more and more inferior as time goes on. I never blamed him for the things he did to me. I understood him. But they used it all against him. Juri-trapped in a downward spiral of unrequited love. Wanting the only thing she couldn't have. But they twisted her problems by throwing Ruka in and pulling at her morals and her already unstable life. Miki-connected to his sister in a complex that would not go away. Obsessed with the beauty his sister once possessed, the purity of their relationship that he could never get back. But they threw her back at him in a plot to make him want that "shining thing" even more. And Nanami-in love with the only man she cannot have. Her very own brother. Wanting only the ties between them to be sacred and pure. For him to love her because of his own true feelings and not to be like me. Holding him there by giving herself away. Both of them: brother and Touga. Using Utena! Using Saionji! Using Juri! Using Miki! Using Nanami! AND USING ME!
I cried out in my sleep. Utena crawled over to me on our double bed and woke me from my tortured thoughts.
"Anthy! Are you alright? You cried out, 'stop using me!' What does that mean?"
Oh, how I wanted to tell her. But I couldn't. Just to tell her everything, to free myself from this cage. Nanami was right, not wanting to be like me. I was nothing now for letting him do as he pleased and now he controlled me. Just a shell to do Akio's bidding.
"Miss Utena, you see, it's just that..."
"Yes, Anthy?"
"Oh, nothing."
She frowned a bit, her eyes fixated and concerned. Still my head laid on her lap as she smoothed her fingers through my hair. Could it be true? Was there still some of her real self there? Undaunted by the will of my brother. Oh, Utena! Love me like you said you did! Be the prince that you said you were! Forget about the temptation that the devil has set before you! I too have been tricked by the unholy pomegranates of his world. He's nothing but a mere shadow! An illusion-a phantom of a true and caring prince that was lost long ago. But Utena, that prince is gone. And the only ones left are corrupted by the evils of living. Even though it may seem that you to have been corrupted, look into your heart...is that pure and noble dream still there? That is what cures you and fires you forward. Become the prince to replace all others. Don't question yourself. Whether I be the princess or not...it IS a good idea!
"Utena!"
"Anthy?"
"I...I ...nevermind."
The dark and grinning eyes of my brother were burnt into my mind. I loved him somewhere in my heart, but only the way he once was. This new and cruel hybrid we call Akio is different, but something inside me thinks that he will return to the way he once was if I continue my manner this way. It's crazy, I know. But something inside of me cannot let go of the loss. I want so much to be able to move on. But I feel just as much, that deep loss of my brother. And I do not even understand myself sometimes, but at some moments, I even grow jealous of Utena for the attention she has gained from my brother. But when it all comes down to it, I needed to move on and stop this game of mourning. I found my prince. My Utena. But now, all that was left to do was to get over myself and try to make Utena see what I see. But how...to tell her? To tell her everything? Was that really such a good idea? Was I able to? What would Akio do if he found out? Would it matter? I could not seriously go on like this. It had to end somewhere. It just did.
"Utena...there is something I need to tell you. Something I've been needing to tell you."
"What is it?"
"But to understand you must listen with a clear mind, free from all the constrains that may hinder your thoughts."
"Anthy? What...what's wrong?"
"It's about everything...about all of this. About the duel, about the rose seal, about Akio, about me. It's about eternity..."
Utena...
...bring me...
...to eternity....
...with you...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Dig yourself out of it and wash it all off."