…Into Shouts and Screams
Chapter Two(Sequel to "The Footsteps are Fading")
"My friends, there are no friends."
- Coco Chanel, French fashion designer (1813-1971)
"Surely I've told you this before. War cannot be trusted to show truth and justice. War is nothing but pain. It arose from pain, it happens in pain, and it can only end in pain. It's the Buddhists' theory coming true; life is nothing but suffering. There are no remedies for that, Davis. There are none what-so-ever. Cut your finger and bleed? That's part of life. Cut your throat and bleed? – I don't see the difference, do you? Only when you inflict pain on another is there a difference. That moon there, that sun there, those stars – they all watch you, telling you that you'll mess up sometime, like they know your destiny better than you do. Are you weak enough to listen to that, or do you rely upon your strength to dismantle your empathy? Let me tell you, some good things are the product of weakness, but they don't out weigh the good things that happen because of strength. Admiration, Davis, that's what I think life is all about. Maybe not admiration from other people, or for other people, but admiration for yourself. That's true power, that's true knowledge. Have you acquired that yet?"
"No," Daisuke mumbled in his sleep, with the drool drying on the side of his mouth. He opened one eye slowly, stared at the hazy ceiling, and then shut it again. Curses, it was no longer Saturday.
Needles pricked his arm up and down as he pried it from underneath his body. Itai…that arm now reflected every crevice and fold of the sheets he slept upon. He fingered the drool by his lip, brushed some hair away from his eyes, and placed his feet on the ground. Sunday…why did it have to be Sunday? Sure, it was the day every student in the country waited for impatiently, but since he had completed the education system Sunday had lost its shimmer. Where had Saturday gone? The blurred images of Hikari, a restaurant, and talking crawled up into his fuzzy consciousness. Oh…he had promised to go see someone. Um…Taichi-san, ne? Ah…the specious argument that had ensued…
Taichi as of that moment was patiently staring at the clock, watching the numbers tick by and by. Ah, time, it was so unreal. Nevertheless, here he sat, watching watching, waiting waiting until that one perfect moment snapped into view. 8:47…8:48…8:49… What minute was he expecting to come? 8:50…8:51… What if it had already passed? 8:52…7:06…
7…06? Lightening fast thoughts, Taichi, you can do it. Ah, ah, minute passes I'm sure, but the clock remains the same. Seven zero six. An hour has sixty mintes, the hour before this was six, the last digit is six. Oh? Soo desu ne. The devil was in his room now, huh? That wasn't surprising, seeing as it was all turning into a dark hell anyway. This room of darkness has spawned something incredible, ne? He nodded his head. Incredible…perfect, whatever adjective you choose it is right. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, don't think, just know. So all of those "philosophers" were wrong to begin with. All of those religious groups, all of those hangings, judgements, sentences, sentences: all of that was wrong. Okay. Established. Rewriting ideology, reality. Rewriting…rewriting…rewriting…virus. Cannot continue. Warning Virus Warning Virus.
His sharp golden eyes eased open, cones and rods working furiously, upside down image flipped right-side up in his mind, and he saw Daisuke standing abreast from himself. Daisuke's hand was on his shoulder, shaking him roughly.
"Taichi! Taichi-san! Hey, are you okay?"
Words of worry and confusion spoken on his behalf. Ah, thank people for languages.
"Hm? Yeah, I'm okay."
Words of assurance and deception. On second thought, maybe languages weren't all that great.
"What's wrong with you? Sitting in this dark room and zonking out?"
"Zonking out? Is that the technical term, Davis?" Names: reference to familiarity.
"Eh, well…" the man rubbed the back of his neck and turned towards the single window in the room. "Anyway, we need to get some sun on you! You look terribly pale." He grasped the blind's opener (is that a word?) and yanked on it. He jerked his arm to a stop.
Thick cardboard sheets outlined and filled in the window, blocking all trace of sunlight. Suddenly Daisuke was very creeped out. Behind him, Taichi made no comment, but his breathing was heavier. The young leader was cemented to the ground he stood upon, frightened beyond sense what would happen if he turned around. Would Taichi attack him, like some sort of transformed beast/vampire/super scary thing? Daisuke shuddered. Oh, why after all these years of "growing up" did he still have thoughts like these? Oh…how did Hikari expect him to become leader if the very man he was to replace scared the hell out him? Oh! To hell with it all! Speak, just say something, break this si…l…en…c…e…
A hand that lacked normal body heat wrapped its fingers delicately around his throat. Taichi's breath condescended upon his neck hairs, weighing them down when they should have been stark upright. The fire blanket of fear descended from mind to body, thought to senses, smothering common sense like the nothing it was. Here, in this state of utter confusion, reason didn't have a place, but memory sure did. Just a touch would remind him always of the pain he had gone through with that woman and Leomon. Yeah, he could remember now how much that woman had hurt him and his pride. He looked up. He reached his hand to the window. He pulled off part of the cardboard. Oh…wasn't surprising what was reflected back to him in that window.
Taichi-san, no, Akuma stood behind him with those golden eyes glaring.
"Kara no dorei, ja nai, Davis-chan? Remember those words. Tell them to those ignorant people who prance around all their short lives like they have a purpose other than to serve. To serve," the mouth whispered in his ear, "don't you realize that I'm on your side? How much longer can your pride take such a thing? How much longer will you accept being a slave? Worse than that, a slave that doesn't know he's a slave. Certainly you and all others want their life to mean something, no?"
He struggled against her grip, trying to block out the things she murmured. Then he was trying to remember…remember…His dream this morning. Who had been talking? They had called him Davis, it was a man's voice, speaking of war…about admiration…
Who do I admire?
The reflection of those golden eyes haunted his vision, yanking his thoughts away from what was really important. If only he could stay on track and think, think, Davis, think about who you admire. Taichi?
His brain paused mentally.
That name seemed so gone, so devoid of life, so much like a shell that had been craned into and robbed. There was no soul connected with that name anymore. Had she won, had she actually won? He found it hard to believe that Taichi had given in so easily, because – it was Taichi that he admired. Yet, things like that didn't seem to matter anymore. Taichi – he was only one. How is it said? "In the grand scheme of things"? Yeah, in the grand scheme of things Taichi was only one small thing, only one small memory, one small thought that couldn't hold sway over "the grand scheme". The one thing that was trying to be accomplished right now was…
What?
"Rejection of god," Akuma hissed to his mind.
"Rejection of…god?"
"Yes, the very thought of god, it is restricting to you. Religion – you never really believed in it, did you? It is such a trifle and time-consuming thing. Just think: people spend their whole lives in worship sometimes. Is that any way to celebrate your life? Is that anyway to be true to your instincts, to feel like a human? For all the insightful pondering you humans do you are rather stupid. Like god cares about your sacrifices. Like god cares about your prayers and dreams and hopes. In the same situation, would you care? Tell me, Davis, if you held the power of the universe in your mind, would you care at all about the tiny things living in it? Or would you be searching, searching for something beyond words. A sort of threat. Don't you think you'd get bored after awhile? I think it'd be interesting at first – the worshipers, the churches, the "Sacred Writings" – but, now that I think about it, those things would get old after some time because everthing does. One of those confounded facts that dieties have to live with, you know. Yep, everything gets old once in awhile. Things start to become routine, they start to have substance in your mind. Davis, this is why I was created."
The fingers slipped along his sweaty throat, reaching here and there, sliding to his collar bone and then back up to the soft, vulnerable flesh stretched over his esophagus. It was painful; those fingers burned with a sin that no chanting could contain or even reverse for a second. They were restless, yet they held him fast, restricting his movement – no, his entire thought process. He would try to speak, but his words were dashed away by her fingertips and then drowned by her own malevolent words. The words she spoke…they were total blasphemies to everything he had ever believed in. God was no longer holy, because her very words had knocked that exalted ruler down to the level of humans in his mind. God was mortal now, her words had assured him of that. Mortality surrenders easily.
"Have you ever heard the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Davis?"
"You read?" he managed to choke out.
"I watch. I watched Mr. Stevenson write that story, and I saw his thoughts during the whole while. He was thinking of me. It was flattering, really, because he had a few great thoughts that are almost worth mentioning, but his more detestable thoughts were always the better. And who else would he be thinking of other than me at those times? Ah, my Davis, God really is child-like. How ironic of him to create beings aware of his existence even when they have never seen him. Oh, I know, you will argue that he was seen; thousands of years ago with Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, but how can anyone be sure? God himself would not remember those names for he has too many things to watch over from the beginning. See this?" She brought a finger up to his eyesight. "It is marked in it's own special way, no? You call them fingerprints, do you not? Yes, well, let me tell you the origin of these 'fingerprints'. They mark you. No, not in an identity sort of way, but in a way so that god can see your fingers and say, 'yes, his life is like this, so he deserves this.' Understand? You are branded already.Your own fingers can remind you of god's mercy. But."
Her fingers fled from his body in a thrice, leaving him weak and disarrayed. She floated across the room to the door and opened it, indicating his departure would be appreciated. He watched all of her antics in the window, an enigma wrapped in a conundrum. Finally, his voice returned.
"You speak as if god doesn't exist, though we clearly saw him at the same instance."
She sighed impatience.
"He does not exist."
"How can you say that? Seeing is believing, plus you have obviously had encounters with him beore."
"Davis,"she sighed again, "honestly you are stupid. God cannot truly exist. The next time you walk down the street, do me a favor and watch people. Watch them walk, talk, buy, sell, laugh – and then think about god. It will strike you then that he has no place in man's society. He is…wishful thinking, more or less. 'I think therefore I am'. Davis. He is thought of, therefore he is."
He nodded, then walked through the doorway and out of that room. Without looking back, he left Taichi's residence.
"Izzy. Hey, I just needed to talk to someone intelligent."
"Davis…it's eleven at night…don't you sleep?"
"Not lately. Can I come in?"
Koushiro ostentatiously shrugged and swept out his arm in a "welcome!" gesture. Daisuke thanked him and stepped inside.
The apartment was cool and cramped, with bookshelves overflowing onto tables and even the floor with titles like "Bacon's Essays" and "C++ and C Programming". The interior design didn't really have a pattern or even a simple layout, but was just an assortment of furniture bought at random places for the lowest price possible. The living room wasn't exactly livable, because of the three computers set up side by side and their mass of jumbled cords twisting around on the floor like hidden serpents. Nevertheless, the two managed to position themselves in semi-comfortable statures on the couch, facing each other.
"All right," Koushiro smiled, "let the therapy session began. Exactly when did you start having these…difficulties, shall we say?"
"Shut up, this is important."
"A week ago, oh, how very interesting. Just let me give you these drugs and-"
"Izzy. Really."
"Fine, what, I'm listening."
"I went to Tai's place earlier today."
"Wow," the geek mocked bluntly, but Daisuke ignored it.
"I met someone there. I can't particularly remember how she got there, but when she came, he was gone."
"This is rather confusing, Davis. Perchance could you give me a name?"
"Akuma."
Koushiro forced a dour grin at Daisuke's statement. Why was he not surprised? That woman was mentioned in every conversation that was even remotely about Taichi. There was a fear deep inside of Koushiro, one that had taken root from the time he had first seen Taichi after their adventure. It lurked in the far recesses of his genius, now and then flickering in his blind spot, conversing in the white noise of his life, saying that Taichi was already gone. He couldn't be saved now, but the thing that drove Koushiro insane was the fact that he didn't know what was taking Taichi. In a logical sort of way, one would have automatically pointed fingers at Akuma, but there was something unsettling about that idea that had always restrained him. Something bigger worked on Taichi's small body, forcing him to submit. Something like destiny almost.
"Did she say anything to you?"
Daisuke smiled painfully. "Yeah, a few things. Man, Izzy, I never thought that…to think that…" he threw up his hands. "That girl can sure make you think."
"She is the devil, of course she'll say some things that never crossed your mind."
"She said to me, Izzy, that the reason she was created was because Kami got bored. Do you think that's true?"
"Could be. Kami is rather child-like."
Daisuke stared at him. Child-like? Itai.
"What else did she say?"
"That Kami only exists because we think about him. I don't know if I believe that, because what about atheists? They don't think that Kami exists, but yet there he is."
"They think about him, even if it is only to laugh."
Koushiro watched Daisuke fetch a sigh and lean into the worn couch. Lines drew themselves deeply upon the young man's face and his eyes weren't so bright in the dim light.
"You don't look too good," he observed. Daisuke laughed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Yeah, yeah, it's just this whole thing about religion. I honestly never cared about it until this woman showed up and Kami was discovered. Izzy…I just want Tai back, but I think he's gone. The way that his eyes were…and then just – poof! – the woman shows up. Amazing. I never thought that Tai would sell himself to the devil."
"What the hell makes you think he sold himself? Jeez, Davis, the devil is an all powerful force from the beginning of mankind. Do you think that she'd ask to take his soul?"
"Well, it'd be nice of her to give someone a little warning beforehand."
"Right! Well, seeing as that's pretty much impossible, I've got another idea – we destroy Kami."
They locked eyes for a second in the dark room, the unnatural light of the computers shining on Koushiro's face, glinting off his glasses. The computers hummed their little song of indifference as the two men stared at one another. Finally:
"That's insane," Daisuke whispered, falling back into the couch.
"Why? Why should we fear destroying him?"
"Maybe that's not the question, Izzy! It's more like 'how?' and 'what would be accomplished?' Have a little foresight, please!"
"That's the idea!" Koushiro yelled, and slammed his fist onto the table. "We can destroy foresight! We can destroy everything that has ever plagued human minds with just one move! Davis! Can't you picture that world? The one where the only belief is in ourselves and our abilities. The one where we would finally be free from any outside influence. The one-"
"Maybe he's not an outside influence."
"What?"
"Maybe he does come from within. Like…"
Daisuke raised his eyesight to the panting and confused Koushiro. What did that mean? Why did Koushiro breathe, why did he get angry? What could give him that right? and is man really that powerful?
"Like…"
Could one honestly walk alone? Could one be completely self-reliant? How many thoughts are actually our own?
"Like…"
I think I believe in god.
His body shuddered in shear fear of that sentence. Oh, crap, how dare people make words capable of conveying that thought! Curse them! Curse them! That should never be said…should never be heard…and above all else, that alone should not be persecuted.
"Izzy." Daisuke regained his composure. "You have no right. Though you be one of the brightest and best of us, you have no right to do such a thing. Can't you picture that world where security is solely our problem, where death is final, where birth is the only chance you get. Can you see that?" Tears began to brim in his eyes, shining a thousand lights at him. "Could you imagine? Could you imagine having no one to catch you, no one to always love you, no one who would be there, Izzy, be there the times that you think Death is the only one who knows of your existence. Do you really believe in people that much? If you took the restraint of god away from them, what do you think would happen? God, Izzy, even if he is just a thought, is a necessary one. Even if he is cruel and ignorant and child-like, he is necessary. He holds humans back."
"From what!"
"From…that one final truth, I suppose."
"Davis, that is so cliché. There is no final truth. The 'final truth' is ultimately us, sitting here, talking."
"That's not enough for me."
"Then die."
Daisuke was silent.
"If that isn't enough for you, then die," Koushiro repeated, staring hard at the man. "If you love god so much, then die. If you want to be with him so much, then die. Obviously you don't value your own life. Obviously you don't value your own freedom. This is what happened to Tai. Just think about it. You admired him, yet he left you? What could possibly be better than this life and these people? What did Tai find that is so mysterious to the rest of us? Or maybe he didn't find anything, maybe he found nothing, but that was enough for him."
"Shut up."
"That nothing was worth more than your admiration. Humans are alone, Davis. We walk, live, and think alone. Other humans," he picked up a keyboard from the table, "are input devices on our life. They can never really control you though. Did you know that a computer works without a monitor? Monitors are for humans, because we are restricted by eyesight. Think, Davis, if we got rid of the thing that gave us that eyesight, it would be gone. How evolved do you think we'd become after that? We would adapt to our loss of eyesight and develop something purely man-made for once. What an exciting proposition, no?"
"That's…"
"Insane? Is it really?"
"No."