Copyright © 2002 by Syvia & Demon Hunter Anamae. All Rights Reserved.
Disclaimer: The few things we own are listed here; ourselves and the Narrator, and Damion, the vampire formerly known as Ah-choo. Bucky the former chipmunk was inspired by the squirrel from The Emperor's New Groove. Phoebe, the head warden, and Marie, the Sarafan Lord's daughter, belong to DHA. Touching without permission will lead to legal action. Have a nice day. :-D
Authors' babbling:
*both DHA and Syvia are sitting on two mats that are floating inside a black void. Its the latest thing, to be stuck inside a black void where nothing/everything happens and were you have to hold you breath until you're out of the black void and make a wish. If you don't hold you breath the whole time, then you don't get your wish*
Syvia- You'll notice this chapter is extra long. That's because I didn't really like where it ended & decided to give an extra long chapter in order to have more of a point to it. Hope you enjoy the slightly extended format. ^_^ *goes back to holding her breath, her face turns blue*
Anamae- *her face is now a deep blue; gives the thumbs up*
Authors' notes:
Syvia- :And since I'm not going to be able to do that again, this chapter, we're going to read the reviews using telepathy.: ^_^
Anamae- :I'll go first. Raziella- Aww, Janos appreciates your sympathy, hon. Syvia's too annoyed right now, but she'll thank you later. Heh- Vorador's skull is too thick for anything to penetrate- but we'll certainly try.:
Syvia- :Discordia- I appreciate both of those! Good luck with your journals, and don't worry- we're in for the long haul with this fic. We just keep rollin' rollin' rollin'.:
Anamae- :Keep those doggies rollin'! Rawhiiiiiiiiiiiide! *clears throat* Concept- So're we. It'll be a while, *sighs* but worth the wait (we hope). Hey- argue with the Narrator. She's the one who thinks he looks like the Grinch.:
Syvia- :*blandly* Gee, aren't you commanding? VladimirsAngel- I said it was completely innocent, dangit! Why doesn't anyone believe me?!? *fails to notice the sign which reads 'For coffin sex, call 1800- *** - ****' that Anamae is holding up behind her* *laughs* Thank you. ^_^ *glomps*:
Anamae- :*takes the Stick With A Nail In It (TM)* Ooooooooooooooh! ^_^ *evil cackle* I'll have a lot of fun with this later on. Shadowrayne- Thank you! Don't worry about it, we always love reviews- even for the completed stories! How did Hash'ak'gik get into Blood Omen 2? *shrugs* The Narrator's insanity- nothing more. Of course Syv is the target for smut humor. With me, it wouldn't be smut humor, it'd just be smut. ^_^:
Syvia- :Fallen Templar- *whistles* God, I don't want to ask for details, but as the great Alan Rickman said in 'Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves'- "Because it's dull, you twit- it'll hurt more!" :-D And thanks, but at this point, it's a dying hope for me. *shrugs*:
Anamae- :You've got to be more optimistic, Syv. Rocker Baby- No, I'm not Satan- but he is my uncle. I go to visit him every second Tuesday. Thanks for the review. :-) LoK: Defiance can't own my soul- I've already sold it.:
Syvia- :Oh? To whom?:
Anamae- :Murphy of Murphy's rentals. Gave me a great deal.:
Syvia- :Uh-huh. Sephiroth- Asking for 10 reviews is just a prompt to get more people to respond to our fics. If we actually got 10 reviews in, oh, say- three days- then the next chapter would be available within two days of the tenth review. But it doesn't happen that often. See, Sephiroth, we're lazy-ass writers, but since we made the promise of 10 reviews= a new chapter, we deliver on that promise. Or we would, if we were to get 10 reviews.:
Anamae- :*nodding in agreement* But unless it happens, you're all subject to Syvia's mercy, and when she feels like having us update. *shrugs* It's all up to you guys. But that's enough of that. Enjoy the chapter!:
~...........................................If You Give A Vamp A Mobile...........................................~
Vorador- If it's tight in there, I'd think you'd be having a good time!
Anamae- Oh that sounded so wrong.
Syvia- *muffled* Shut up Anamae!
Anamae snickered in response. As did I. *snicker snicker*
Syvia- *muffled* I guess the narrator didn't take pity on me after all.
Janos- *muffled* Gee, do you think so?
Anamae- Okay Vorador.
Vorador- *sulking* What?
She wants you to get them out.
Vorador- Are you planning to make that easy for me?
Hey, buddy, I'm not going to do anything. You're going to make problems all by yourself. At that point, Anamae saw Vorador was planning to be a pain in the ass, so she signaled to Bucky, who was standing nearby with a screwdriver, so he could take the hinges off of the other side of the coffin.
Syvia- *muffled* Wouldn't it be faster if he just went for the latch?
What fun would that be?
Syvia- *muffled, sarcastic* Oh yeah, that's true.
Anamae- And it takes too long.
Syvia- *muffled* How can it take longer to take off the hinges than to open the latch?
Anamae considered the closing mechanism on the coffin, which consisted of a deadbolt, electronic keypad, padlock, slide-lock, and various other things that, combined would take at least fifteen minutes to open.
Anamae- Just take my word for it, okay? *to Vorador* Having trouble keeping your brides locked in for the night?
Vorador- *glares* I don't want anyone to walk in and stake me while I'm sleeping.
Anamae- I'd think the locks should be on the inside of the coffin.
Vorador- Why? I can lock them and then teleport into bed.
Anamae- Ah... I guess that makes sense...
Syvia- Excuse me... can we get back to the human in the coffin?
Janos- And what am I, chopped liver?
Vorador- So when exactly did you marry my father, Syvia? In fact, I remember you were trying to save him the first time you came to me for help. You've wanted him all along, haven't you?
Anamae- More or less, yeah, she has.
Syvia- *muffled* I have not!
Vorador laughed cynically.
Syvia- *muffled* I wanted to meet him, not date him! Oh, and speaking of such, 'Hi Janos, it's nice to meet you.'
Janos- *muffled* I'm very pleased to meet you as well.
Vorador- Then what was all that about a wedding?
Syvia- *muffled* I lied, okay? I don't want a romantic situation with you or anyone else! Somehow self-insert fics always end up that way and I want to be original.
Anamae- Aww, originality is no fun, Syv!
Vorador- And how would you know?!
Syvia- *muffled* You know, coffins are very nice- FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE TO BREATHE! GET ME OUT OF HERE, NOW!
Inside the coffin, Janos winced at her shrill tone. Then Bucky gave a triumphant chirp as he took out the last screw. Nosgothians have screws? ...That sounded wrong. Then the entire cast smirked at me. Anyway- Janos flung the coffin lid open, hitting Vorador (who was standing too close to it) in the head. He went down like a sack of potatoes- in pain, but awake. Anamae covered her mouth with her hands and stared at him with wide eyes.
Anamae- Oh, that had to hurt! If his skull weren't so thick, I'd be worried about a concussion.
Janos- Ooooh, sorry, son.
Vorador stared accusingly at his supposed lovable 'father' then began to cry like a 5 year old.
Vorador- I want my wives! Wahhhhh!
Anamae- Wuss. Seriously, I've been fried by lightning, nearly killed falling down who knows how many holes, incinerated once, fought against demons, went through time and I survived! It was painful but I survived. And you got hit in the head with a coffin and you're crying for your wives?
Syvia- *shakes her head* Pathetic. This is another of the many reasons that I don't want to date him, much less marry him.
At that moment all the wives (about 230 or so) came in through the door, managed to pick up Vorador at the same time cuddling him, then vanished with him back into the main part of the Sanctuary with their green-skinned husband. Yeah, what a wuss.
Vorador- Shut up! *starts crying again*
Syvia- So now what happens?
Anamae- Simple. We keep Janos safe for the rest of his life.
Janos: Do you realize how long the rest of my life is going to be?
Bucky- Squeaker chirp chippy chirp squeek. (Considering all the stress you've been through, I doubt your old ticker can last that much longer)
Syvia- ...no.
Janos- I am precisely over 5,000 years old-
Anamae- And not looking a day over a distinguished 50!
Janos- -and can live well into the next 5 millennia.
This never had occurred to Syvia and Anamae. They really didn't know all that much about the Ancients, save they had blue skin, black/blue hair, wings, yellow eyes and were very, very powerful. It would have also helped them had they finished the paper they were writing about The Supposed Origins and Secrets of the Ancients but since they didn't have Janos or any of his kind with them at the time, they had to make everything up as they went. And believe me, after reading it Janos, I can tell you that most of it was made up! I dunno how you people managed to raze mountains to the ground or uplift the ocean and throw it into the sky, but still...
Janos- Somehow I believe it.
Syvia- Well... we could live for a while too, couldn't we Anamae?
Anamae- Yeah, we could somehow get the power of immortality with us. *smiles* I could always get Faustus to give me that! Ohh, Syvia that means you'd have to find someone for you; I ain't sharing!
Syvia- *laughs* Meanie.
Girls, a word with you. Janos, can you please wait outside?
Janos- With the many wives? *looks tense*
Yes. This is girl talk and since you're not a girl - *consolingly* sensitive enough to be one, but anyhoo - you'll have to go and wait outside. Goodbye now, goodbye, goodbye. *waits until Janos leaves the room; the three huddle with Bucky* Squirrel, you too.
Bucky- Phooey! *leaves, moaning about how he's not sensitive enough to be a girl*
Okay, now let's get one thing straight. All you have to do is keep Janos out of the Hylden's hands until after Kain does his little victory dance and beat the Sarafan Lord, then once said aliens are good and trapped, Janos will be okay and he can go back to being the most beloved, yet hunted vampire in Nosgoth.
Anamae- Sounds like a plan.
Syvia- Then where's Kain?
Well, he's coming now. And sorry to say, he's also being tailed by a helluva lot of Sarafan. They finally got smart and realized if they played spy and followed Kain wherever he went, they wouldn't be killed and they'd eventually discover the Cabal's hideout.
Anamae- ...Why did they finally get smart and just when we don't need it?
Syvia- It's the story. Damn you, narrator.
It's my job.
Anamae- So what're we supposed to do now?
Syvia- Uh... how about we tell Faustus?
Anamae- That we've saved Janos? What good would that do?
Syvia- No, that Kain's back. Maybe Kain would be so distracted by Faustus that he'd follow him and not come to Sanctuary, and therefore the Sarafan won't find it, won't get Janos and then the Hylden won't kill the last Ancient.
Anamae- I'm not going to risk Faustus' safety like that!
Syvia- *lightbulb moment* Then ask him for one of the other Vamps' phone numbers!
Anamae- Phone num-
Syvia- *gives her a look* Oh c'mon. I saw you give him a mobile and your number.
Anamae- That doesn't mean the other vamps have telephones! *Syvia gives her a look* Just because this is Nosgoth's industrial age doesn't mean everyone is up to date on technology!
Syvia- Just call him! Ask him for Sebastian's phone number and I'll call and leave an anonymous tip.
Anamae- Fine! Fine, fine, fine! But I'm not gonna risk Faustus no matter what. It's his butt that I don't want to have fried, you got that? *whips out a mobile phone and calls the number: 001-I-AM-THE-BEST*
Faustus was back at home by now, having left the Eternal Prison with the Sarafan Lord. As for Magnus, he was safely put away (again) and Damion....well, even I the narrator don't know what has become of him. Chilling out in front of the glyph television, (a new invention made by the overworked and underpaid people of the Industrial Sector), in his black boxers, Faustus wonders idly if he should actually be looking for Anamae and her friend over a can of cool Pabst Blood Ribbon Beer. Suddenly the phone on the table beside him rings. Without looking at it the vampire bashed his hand down on one end and the receiver flipped up and into his waiting palm. Oooh, cool trick.
Faustus- Took me two months to perfect it. Hello? Anamae! Where are you? WHAT?! Get out of there! Now you listen to me- *Faustus winces, yelling is heard over the phone* What? Why do you want Sebastian's number? Are you cheating on me? *long, long dialogue from the other end* Sorry, I just don't like him all that much. He's a real dumbass... What do you mean I'll like what will happen next? *listens* Really? And I can't be traced back to it no matter what, right? Good. Fine, I'll get his number. He gave it to me once because I might have to call for his help sooner or later. *snickers* One moment.
Getting up, Faustus went over to his phone book, which was almost completely bare of telephone numbers, and turned to Sebastian's listing. Sitting back down, and flicking over one channel to a television documentary on the life and times of the Nine Guardians, Faustus gave Anamae the number.
~~~
Anamae- 666-KILL-FIRST-AND-ASK-QUESTIONS-LATER. Thanks Fausty. Later! *hangs up* Why do vampires have such long and personal phone numbers?
Syvia- Because of their inflated egos. I would hate to see what Kain's is, or Marcus'. Gimme the phone.
And with that, Syvia dialed up Sebastian.
Anamae- Now don't take too long- you wouldn't believe how much it costs for a phone that works in Nosgoth.
Syvia- Can you call all the way to the UK with it?
Anamae- *suspiciously* Why do you want to know?
Syvia- I was thinking of calling AmuseMe collect. *smirks*
Anamae- NO!
Syvia- What about-
Anamae- No, you can't call Crystarr in Wales either. I'm going to call him later on! *glares*
Syvia- Okay, okay! Yeesh, I was just kidding... *dialing* 666-KILL-FIRST-AND-ASK-QUESA- damn. 666-KILL-FIRST-AND-ASK-QUESTIONS-LATER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the plush but sparse living quarters of Sebastian's apartment, the phone rang. A low-pitched whirring could be heard. It stopped suddenly. A blue blur appeared beside the phone and became the armor-wearing vampire. In one hand he held a leg-guard and in the other, an electric buffer. He was dressed in a dark blue robe with his name sewn in silver thread on the left lapel. Nice.
Sebastian- *smirks at the direction of the narrator* Thank you. *he picks up the phone* Hello?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Syvia- *in a hoarse voice* Is this Sebastian? ... I've got some information for you. ... I've seen a white-haired vampire walking around. ... Keeps complaining about having lost a sword.
Anamae- *rolls her eyes*
Syvia- *mouths* I'm doing the best I can. *Anamae rolls her eyes again and makes a silly face*
Syvia- *hoarse voice, trying not to giggle* He said something about having a score to settle with the Sarafan Lord. ... I think his name was Kain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sebastian stared off into space, eyes wide.
Sebastian- If this one of your little pranks, Faustus...
Syvia- *funny voice* What?
Sebastian- Oh come on! Only three people have this number and the Sarafan Lord doesn't have a sense of humor! It's either you or...
And then his face broke into sudden realization.
Sebastian- *hisses* Marcus.
And he hung up the phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Syvia pushed the end button and handed the phone back to Anamae, a slightly stunned look on her face.
Anamae- What happened? Well? Huh?
Syvia- I think I just got Marcus in trouble.
And then she burst out laughing.
=================================
Anamae and Syvia are still holding their breath as they near the exit of the black void. As the light comes closer and closer the two girls realize they can't hold their breath anymore and gasp. The sudden rush of air make the two catapult outside of the void and into deep space.
Syvia- Marcus in trouble? You did that, didn't you Anamae? First you hit him with a brick on top of the church, then you flush him down the toilet-
Anamae- Hey, hey, hey! He has an invisible sign saying 'Hit me' written on his back that only I can see. *innocently* I have to do what the sign says.
Syvia- *looks to the audience* If you people want to see what exactly happens to Marcus, please review, tell us what you think about the insane telephone numbers, and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.