Author's Note: This story begins during the Second year at Hogwarts, during the Chamber of Secrets and will continue as time goes on. This is my first Harry Potter fanfic and along with my friend, ElfFlame, we are writing a series of four stories, which begins with ElfFlame's story- True Revenge. All four of these stories are interrelated and for the best understanding of the characters as we see them, they should be read in conjunction to each other. As always, I own none of this wonderful world that JK Rowling has created.
Author's Note: At this point in time I would just like to say that in telling events of this story from Lucius Malfoy's point of view, I am merely showing his frame of mind. I do not in any way condone or promote the things he does.
Spoiler Warning: This story contains spoilers, both minor and major from all five Harry Potter books.
Tavingtonrose: I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope you are doing all right. Please feel free to take the time you need to deal with that, don't feel obligated to read this until you're more ready to. I can only imagine what you must be going through right now.
Year 4
Book5
Longing
Adriana had an eventful summer holiday. Albus and Severus wanted to keep her occupied so she didn't focus on Lucius. They had quickly vetoed sending him a letter telling him she was pregnant, knowing it would come to no good. Voldemort had indeed risen once again, and it was known that Lucius had been a part of his entourage in the graveyard. Many people chose not to believe these reports, but Adriana wasn't one of them. Her heart sank when she heard about it.
Albus had re-formed the Order of the Phoenix and spent most of his free time organizing ways to combat Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Severus was a part of the Order, along with a group of people Adriana had never met before, and didn't want to be a part of. She was bearing the child of one the highest ranking Death Eaters, she had no place among them. She imagined them asking who the father was, and having to decide whether to tell the truth or not.
Severus was heavily involved in the Order, doing mysterious and important things that even she didn't know about. But he always had time to visit her every few days or so. He always came bearing gifts. He brought potions for her to drink, she had to keep her strength up after all; he brought things he knew she was craving. One afternoon, Severus sat and watched as Adriana ate 3 bowls of the strawberry ice cream that he'd brought, with curry sauce and tinned tuna fish on top of it. Carefully hiding his disgust, he smiled while he watched the look of pleasure growing on her face. Severus wanted nothing more than to keep Adriana smiling. Every time he left, Adriana let Severus rub her protruding belly for good luck on his important Order business.
On days that Severus couldn't be at her house, Albus tried to stop by. Even in his busy schedule, he made time for her. When they were together, it brought back painful memories of the child they had so lovingly waited for, and had lost. They tried to drive the memories away by discussing the Order, Voldemort, and the future of the wizarding world. Albus had made the mistake of suggesting that Adriana return to the States to ride out this wave of Voldemort's terror, but she wasn't willing to leave again. When Adriana began to scream at Albus, he decided to not try to force her. He supposed she shouldn't be traveling in her condition anyway. Albus wasn't too keen on Adriana joining the Order either. He wanted her to stay at the property, as far away from all of this as possible. While he felt this way because he wanted to protect her, he also realized that with her powers, Voldemort would be very interested in using them if he found out about her. He imagined the kind of bartering and trading Voldemort could use with a desperate Adriana trying to get her beloved Lucius back. She had never been very good at making well-thought-out decisions, and Voldemort could use that against her very easily. He needed her to stay away from him, which was most likely impossible with Lucius back at Voldemort's side.
Adriana was enjoying the pregnancy, after the first few months of morning sickness and depression over the loss of Lucius, she had come to live for this child. It consumed her, it was all she thought about or cared about anymore. She was four months along now. The morning sickness had subsided, but her appetite hadn't. She found she was eating several times more each day, and much larger portions as well. She was growing larger and having to enchant her clothes to grow with her. Adriana loved to look at her body in the mirror, she was big now, but would be much bigger in five months time. She imagined what the little baby inside of her looked like. Would it look like her? Would it look like Lucius?
She tried to not think about Lucius. This wasn't like the last time when she'd broken up with him, he hated her and wasn't coming back. Try as she might, though, she found herself in tears over him at least once a day.
With such troubled pregnancies in the past, she didn't want to take any risks with this one. This baby HAD to live. So Adriana insisted on using both magical and Muggle forms of health care for the baby. She drove regularly to the doctor for pre-natal exams. One day she showed Severus a copy of the sonogram she'd had done the day before. He looked at it, furrowed his brow, and asked, "What the hell is that?"
"It's a sonogram. It's a picture of the baby, neat, huh?" She replied, grinning.
"Can it tell you if it's a girl or boy?" Severus asked, a slight sneer on his face. That squiggly picture was her baby? How did Muggles function at all?
"I'd have to let the doctor look at it and tell me, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know or not," Adriana said. "Do you think I should find out? I guess it would help me in decorating the baby's room and buying clothes."
"Whatever. Do you want to be surprised?"
"I just don't know. Once you find out, that's it, it's a done deal. It's set. If I don't know, it gives me more to wonder about, to guess at. I don't know...no, I don't want to know," Adriana decided.
"Well, there is a spell that would show you the baby even better than that silly picture, you know, if you change your mind," Severus said enticingly.
"It is not silly! It's a very high tech picture. Anyway, would you find out? If it was you?" Adriana asked.
"Well, I've never contemplated anything like that before, seeing as it would never be me," Severus said, frowning and folding his arms.
Adriana punched him playfully on the arm, "You know what I mean!"
"Well, this spell, it shows you a spectral image of the baby, so you can see what it really looks like," Severus explained.
"Do you want to see what the baby looks like?" Adriana asked.
"Of course, but not if you don't," Severus said, playing the martyr.
"Well, what if you do the spell, and see the baby, and I close my eyes?" Adriana asked.
"Do you really think you'd be able to keep your eyes closed?"
"Sure, but could you stay quiet about it? You'd be able to see if it was a boy or girl."
"I think I can keep a secret pretty well," Severus smiled.
"Ok, if you can do it, go ahead, I'll close my eyes, and you can look at the baby," Adriana said, closing her eyes tightly.
She listened as Severus took out his wand, and spoke, "Infantia Demenstro," and became silent. She felt a warmth pour over her stomach for a minute or so as she assumed the image of the baby was being shown to Severus. Finally the warmth dissipated, and Severus told her to open her eyes. She saw a huge grin on his face when she looked at him again.
"Well, what? Why are you smiling?" Adriana asked.
"You have a very respectable baby," Severus said.
"Respectable? That's all you have to say? Is it cute? Does it look like me?" Adriana asked excitedly.
"It's very cute, and I'm not telling you who it looks like, that's cheating," Severus said piously.
"Do you think you can stay silent about the baby's gender?" Adriana asked.
"I'll do my best," Severus promised.
"All right, so...is it a girl?"
"I'm not telling."
"Is it a boy?"
"I don't remember."
"Yes you do, you're really not gonna tell me?"
"No!"
Adriana sat back on the couch, folding her arms, pouting at Severus. "You're really not going to tell me?" She asked again.
"No, I will not. I promised you I wouldn't, and I'm not going to break that promise. You'd be angry with me if I told you," Severus said, "But I can tell you, you're not going to be disappointed."
Adriana hugged her stomach, smiling. "I don't think I could ever be disappointed with this baby."
At the end of the day, when Severus was leaving, he leaned down to Adriana's stomach, kissed it, and said, "Now you be good to your mommy, ok?"
The next week, when Severus came to visit again, he brought a gift for the baby. A green and silver teddy bear that had a black ribbon tied around its neck. "And you're just so sure it'll be in Slytherin? What if it's a squib?" Adriana asked, holding the bear.
Severus looked wisely at Adriana, "I have a good feeling about this baby," he said. Resting his hand against her stomach, he felt the baby kick against his palm. It was the best feeling.
Severus had a secret fantasy, so secret, he could barely admit it to himself. He could see himself and Adriana, together. He imagined them years from now, together in her bed, holding tightly to one another after making love. While they kissed, the baby started to cry, so he got up to see to it. In a rocking chair, he held her baby in his arms, the baby they were raising together, singing it back to sleep. He was happier than he'd ever been before. Severus quickly pushed that thought out of his mind. It was nothing more than wishful thinking anyway, Adriana would never love him. He chose to be the best help to her that he could instead.
Since school was starting in a few days, Severus had to return to Hogwarts, yet he hated to leave Adriana. This school year would be intense, and he had to devote himself to the students and their welfare. He promised to spend a couple of Saturday afternoons with her over the year though, and Adriana was looking forward to that.
A month passed and now it was the first week of October, and Adriana was entering a nesting phase in her pregnancy. She cleared out a room in her house and began planning the baby's room. It took a lot of magic, because she was now too large to bend over and lift much of anything. As she looked through a box, she pulled out an old Elvis record. Adriana had put all of Lucius' things in boxes and threw them in this room after he'd left her. She'd forgotten about them. Her stomach lurched as she thought about Lucius again. By concentrating on the baby, she'd been able to mostly forget about Lucius. But looking through all his things had brought all the memories and pain flooding back.
Sitting down, Adriana looked through the boxes, with tears in her eyes. The clothes still had his scent in them, the records had his fingerprints on them. Lucius, what was he doing right now? Did he ever think about her? Did he hate her as much as he had that day? Was he happy with Voldemort and the other Death Eaters?
Adriana sank into a depression after that, no longer sleeping, no longer eating. Severus was extremely upset when he saw her one Saturday afternoon. He immediately took over her kitchen, brewing some potions to help revive her spirits. Cornering her, he stood over her while she drank them, making her finish every last drop. He listened while she poured her heart out to him. It was during this teary exchange, that Severus made an important decision. He had to tell her about his past. He wanted to see her beautiful smile again.
"Adriana, I need to tell you something about myself," Severus began, pulling the sleeve up on his arm, exposing his tattoo, "I used to be a Death Eater."
Adriana's eyes grew wide with shock. "What?" She asked, confused.
"Lucius and I went to school together, his last year was my first year. He was already working for Voldemort, and used that year to recruit students from Hogwarts. I was one of them. We were young, and stupid; I looked up to him. I blamed him for my life for a very long time, I've tended to blame all sorts of other people for my life, it's easier that way. But I can see now, that I chose to do what I did, to become what I've become. I made the choice to leave Voldemort and the Death Eaters, and I haven't returned," Severus grabbed Adriana's hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze.
"Sev, I don't understand, why are you telling me this?" Adriana asked.
"I'm trying to make you feel better," He explained.
"How is telling my that the man I love ruined your life going to make me feel better?"
"I left Voldemort, I made the decision, for myself. Lucius loves you, he might think he doesn't, but he does. He'll make the choice for himself someday, and he'll come back to you," Severus felt his heart break when he spoke these words.
Adriana's lips trembled and her hands shook. "Do you really think so?"
Severus looked at his feet, and silently nodded his head. Adriana burst into tears, sobbing, her body shaking, until Severus took her in his arms and held her for a long time. Severus continued to console her and massage her shoulders, until she was in a much improved mood, which pleased him very much.
The two talked for several hours, Severus telling her all he knew about the Death Eaters and Voldemort, since Adriana didn't know that much about them. They talked about school and what was new that year. Severus told her about the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge. Adriana remembered the Oompa Loompaesque woman from the Masque the year before. "Albus hired that woman? She can't possibly be a good teacher, does she actually know anything?" Adriana asked incredulously.
"Well, he had no choice, the Ministry of Magic hired her for him," Severus explained. He filled her in on all the new things going on at the school this year.
"Damn governments, never trust any of them," Adriana said darkly, frowning. Leaving the kitchen, they went into the living room to watch a movie. The day continued pleasantly after that, until nightfall.
Severus was sitting on the bed next to Adriana, putting socks on her feet, since she couldn't put them on for herself easily anymore. Lost in thought, Adriana remembered the happy nights she and Lucius had spent in her bed together. She wondered if they would ever spend any more nights together. Even though the baby kept her company, Adriana was very lonely. The feel of Severus' fingers as he massaged her ankles was very pleasurable to her. Her breathing became more rapid as she leaned in to kiss Severus. He was caught completely off-guard, though he didn't resist it. He slowly moved his hands from her ankles up to her shoulders and held onto her tightly. Adriana leaned back and the two of them gently fell back onto her bed. Severus was overwhelmed at the scent of vanilla filling his head. He wanted to make passionate love to her, hear her cry out his name, but tried to take his time and savour the experience as much as he could. They ran their fingers through one another's hair before unbuttoning their clothes. Severus had seen Adriana naked before, or almost completely naked, but she had been smaller then. He thought she was beautiful, her breasts had grown larger with the pregnancy, as had her waist, and he thought she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever had the privilege of seeing. Exploring her body with an intensity Adriana didn't expect, Severus caressed her soft skin with his mouth and long fingers, causing her to smile and gasp at his touch. He was surprised that she didn't taste of the vanilla that she smelled so strongly of, though there was a sweetness to her skin, that he quite enjoyed. Adriana ran her hands over Severus' body while he kissed her slowly, his tongue entwining with hers. She wrapped her legs around his thighs, waiting for him to make love to her.
Severus looked down at her, and suddenly realized what was going through her mind. He wasn't the one she wanted to sleep with, she wanted Lucius. He had been a fool to think this was about him. Unwinding Adriana from his body and standing up, Severus began to put his clothes back on. Speaking quietly, he said, "If we made love tonight, whose name would you cry out?" Adriana looked at him with wide eyes, but said nothing. "I'm a poor substitute for Lucius, you'd hate yourself afterwards for doing this with me."
Coming to her senses, Adriana's eyes filled with tears. "Oh Sev, I'm so sorry. That was a terrible thing to do to you. And you're wrong, you're far too good for me than what I deserve. Don't you dare sell yourself short. You're a very attractive man, and any woman would be lucky to have you. But you were right, I wouldn't have been making love to you, I'd have been making love to a memory, and that's not fair." Severus left soon after that, but Adriana spent a sleepless night, horrified that she had almost used him as she had. After several hours of not being able to sleep, Adriana got up and walked outside the house. Walking up the hill to the bare olive tree, she carefully sat down on the ground. Her breath filled the frosty night air as she looked at the full moon. Leaning her head against the tree trunk, Adriana let her mind wander to thoughts of Lucius. She folded her arms over her stomach and held herself tightly. Words of a song that seemed to be haunting her lately came to her lips and poured forth:
Last night I watched him sleeping
My body pressed to him...
Yes I know that this was years ago
But when moonlight fills my room
I know
You are here... still
I still
I still believe
You will return
I know you will
My heart
Against all odds
Holds still
Yes, still
I still believe
I know as long as I can keep believing, I'll live
I'll live
Love cannot die
You will return
You will return
And I alone know why...
Adriana sang this song as a lullaby to the small child within her. She hoped the words would prove true and Lucius would come home again. He would love her and their child, he just had to.
References: Song "I Still Believe" from Miss Saigon.
Author's Note: At this point in time I would just like to say that in telling events of this story from Lucius Malfoy's point of view, I am merely showing his frame of mind. I do not in any way condone or promote the things he does.
Spoiler Warning: This story contains spoilers, both minor and major from all five Harry Potter books.
Tavingtonrose: I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope you are doing all right. Please feel free to take the time you need to deal with that, don't feel obligated to read this until you're more ready to. I can only imagine what you must be going through right now.
Year 4
Book5
Longing
Adriana had an eventful summer holiday. Albus and Severus wanted to keep her occupied so she didn't focus on Lucius. They had quickly vetoed sending him a letter telling him she was pregnant, knowing it would come to no good. Voldemort had indeed risen once again, and it was known that Lucius had been a part of his entourage in the graveyard. Many people chose not to believe these reports, but Adriana wasn't one of them. Her heart sank when she heard about it.
Albus had re-formed the Order of the Phoenix and spent most of his free time organizing ways to combat Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Severus was a part of the Order, along with a group of people Adriana had never met before, and didn't want to be a part of. She was bearing the child of one the highest ranking Death Eaters, she had no place among them. She imagined them asking who the father was, and having to decide whether to tell the truth or not.
Severus was heavily involved in the Order, doing mysterious and important things that even she didn't know about. But he always had time to visit her every few days or so. He always came bearing gifts. He brought potions for her to drink, she had to keep her strength up after all; he brought things he knew she was craving. One afternoon, Severus sat and watched as Adriana ate 3 bowls of the strawberry ice cream that he'd brought, with curry sauce and tinned tuna fish on top of it. Carefully hiding his disgust, he smiled while he watched the look of pleasure growing on her face. Severus wanted nothing more than to keep Adriana smiling. Every time he left, Adriana let Severus rub her protruding belly for good luck on his important Order business.
On days that Severus couldn't be at her house, Albus tried to stop by. Even in his busy schedule, he made time for her. When they were together, it brought back painful memories of the child they had so lovingly waited for, and had lost. They tried to drive the memories away by discussing the Order, Voldemort, and the future of the wizarding world. Albus had made the mistake of suggesting that Adriana return to the States to ride out this wave of Voldemort's terror, but she wasn't willing to leave again. When Adriana began to scream at Albus, he decided to not try to force her. He supposed she shouldn't be traveling in her condition anyway. Albus wasn't too keen on Adriana joining the Order either. He wanted her to stay at the property, as far away from all of this as possible. While he felt this way because he wanted to protect her, he also realized that with her powers, Voldemort would be very interested in using them if he found out about her. He imagined the kind of bartering and trading Voldemort could use with a desperate Adriana trying to get her beloved Lucius back. She had never been very good at making well-thought-out decisions, and Voldemort could use that against her very easily. He needed her to stay away from him, which was most likely impossible with Lucius back at Voldemort's side.
Adriana was enjoying the pregnancy, after the first few months of morning sickness and depression over the loss of Lucius, she had come to live for this child. It consumed her, it was all she thought about or cared about anymore. She was four months along now. The morning sickness had subsided, but her appetite hadn't. She found she was eating several times more each day, and much larger portions as well. She was growing larger and having to enchant her clothes to grow with her. Adriana loved to look at her body in the mirror, she was big now, but would be much bigger in five months time. She imagined what the little baby inside of her looked like. Would it look like her? Would it look like Lucius?
She tried to not think about Lucius. This wasn't like the last time when she'd broken up with him, he hated her and wasn't coming back. Try as she might, though, she found herself in tears over him at least once a day.
With such troubled pregnancies in the past, she didn't want to take any risks with this one. This baby HAD to live. So Adriana insisted on using both magical and Muggle forms of health care for the baby. She drove regularly to the doctor for pre-natal exams. One day she showed Severus a copy of the sonogram she'd had done the day before. He looked at it, furrowed his brow, and asked, "What the hell is that?"
"It's a sonogram. It's a picture of the baby, neat, huh?" She replied, grinning.
"Can it tell you if it's a girl or boy?" Severus asked, a slight sneer on his face. That squiggly picture was her baby? How did Muggles function at all?
"I'd have to let the doctor look at it and tell me, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know or not," Adriana said. "Do you think I should find out? I guess it would help me in decorating the baby's room and buying clothes."
"Whatever. Do you want to be surprised?"
"I just don't know. Once you find out, that's it, it's a done deal. It's set. If I don't know, it gives me more to wonder about, to guess at. I don't know...no, I don't want to know," Adriana decided.
"Well, there is a spell that would show you the baby even better than that silly picture, you know, if you change your mind," Severus said enticingly.
"It is not silly! It's a very high tech picture. Anyway, would you find out? If it was you?" Adriana asked.
"Well, I've never contemplated anything like that before, seeing as it would never be me," Severus said, frowning and folding his arms.
Adriana punched him playfully on the arm, "You know what I mean!"
"Well, this spell, it shows you a spectral image of the baby, so you can see what it really looks like," Severus explained.
"Do you want to see what the baby looks like?" Adriana asked.
"Of course, but not if you don't," Severus said, playing the martyr.
"Well, what if you do the spell, and see the baby, and I close my eyes?" Adriana asked.
"Do you really think you'd be able to keep your eyes closed?"
"Sure, but could you stay quiet about it? You'd be able to see if it was a boy or girl."
"I think I can keep a secret pretty well," Severus smiled.
"Ok, if you can do it, go ahead, I'll close my eyes, and you can look at the baby," Adriana said, closing her eyes tightly.
She listened as Severus took out his wand, and spoke, "Infantia Demenstro," and became silent. She felt a warmth pour over her stomach for a minute or so as she assumed the image of the baby was being shown to Severus. Finally the warmth dissipated, and Severus told her to open her eyes. She saw a huge grin on his face when she looked at him again.
"Well, what? Why are you smiling?" Adriana asked.
"You have a very respectable baby," Severus said.
"Respectable? That's all you have to say? Is it cute? Does it look like me?" Adriana asked excitedly.
"It's very cute, and I'm not telling you who it looks like, that's cheating," Severus said piously.
"Do you think you can stay silent about the baby's gender?" Adriana asked.
"I'll do my best," Severus promised.
"All right, so...is it a girl?"
"I'm not telling."
"Is it a boy?"
"I don't remember."
"Yes you do, you're really not gonna tell me?"
"No!"
Adriana sat back on the couch, folding her arms, pouting at Severus. "You're really not going to tell me?" She asked again.
"No, I will not. I promised you I wouldn't, and I'm not going to break that promise. You'd be angry with me if I told you," Severus said, "But I can tell you, you're not going to be disappointed."
Adriana hugged her stomach, smiling. "I don't think I could ever be disappointed with this baby."
At the end of the day, when Severus was leaving, he leaned down to Adriana's stomach, kissed it, and said, "Now you be good to your mommy, ok?"
The next week, when Severus came to visit again, he brought a gift for the baby. A green and silver teddy bear that had a black ribbon tied around its neck. "And you're just so sure it'll be in Slytherin? What if it's a squib?" Adriana asked, holding the bear.
Severus looked wisely at Adriana, "I have a good feeling about this baby," he said. Resting his hand against her stomach, he felt the baby kick against his palm. It was the best feeling.
Severus had a secret fantasy, so secret, he could barely admit it to himself. He could see himself and Adriana, together. He imagined them years from now, together in her bed, holding tightly to one another after making love. While they kissed, the baby started to cry, so he got up to see to it. In a rocking chair, he held her baby in his arms, the baby they were raising together, singing it back to sleep. He was happier than he'd ever been before. Severus quickly pushed that thought out of his mind. It was nothing more than wishful thinking anyway, Adriana would never love him. He chose to be the best help to her that he could instead.
Since school was starting in a few days, Severus had to return to Hogwarts, yet he hated to leave Adriana. This school year would be intense, and he had to devote himself to the students and their welfare. He promised to spend a couple of Saturday afternoons with her over the year though, and Adriana was looking forward to that.
A month passed and now it was the first week of October, and Adriana was entering a nesting phase in her pregnancy. She cleared out a room in her house and began planning the baby's room. It took a lot of magic, because she was now too large to bend over and lift much of anything. As she looked through a box, she pulled out an old Elvis record. Adriana had put all of Lucius' things in boxes and threw them in this room after he'd left her. She'd forgotten about them. Her stomach lurched as she thought about Lucius again. By concentrating on the baby, she'd been able to mostly forget about Lucius. But looking through all his things had brought all the memories and pain flooding back.
Sitting down, Adriana looked through the boxes, with tears in her eyes. The clothes still had his scent in them, the records had his fingerprints on them. Lucius, what was he doing right now? Did he ever think about her? Did he hate her as much as he had that day? Was he happy with Voldemort and the other Death Eaters?
Adriana sank into a depression after that, no longer sleeping, no longer eating. Severus was extremely upset when he saw her one Saturday afternoon. He immediately took over her kitchen, brewing some potions to help revive her spirits. Cornering her, he stood over her while she drank them, making her finish every last drop. He listened while she poured her heart out to him. It was during this teary exchange, that Severus made an important decision. He had to tell her about his past. He wanted to see her beautiful smile again.
"Adriana, I need to tell you something about myself," Severus began, pulling the sleeve up on his arm, exposing his tattoo, "I used to be a Death Eater."
Adriana's eyes grew wide with shock. "What?" She asked, confused.
"Lucius and I went to school together, his last year was my first year. He was already working for Voldemort, and used that year to recruit students from Hogwarts. I was one of them. We were young, and stupid; I looked up to him. I blamed him for my life for a very long time, I've tended to blame all sorts of other people for my life, it's easier that way. But I can see now, that I chose to do what I did, to become what I've become. I made the choice to leave Voldemort and the Death Eaters, and I haven't returned," Severus grabbed Adriana's hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze.
"Sev, I don't understand, why are you telling me this?" Adriana asked.
"I'm trying to make you feel better," He explained.
"How is telling my that the man I love ruined your life going to make me feel better?"
"I left Voldemort, I made the decision, for myself. Lucius loves you, he might think he doesn't, but he does. He'll make the choice for himself someday, and he'll come back to you," Severus felt his heart break when he spoke these words.
Adriana's lips trembled and her hands shook. "Do you really think so?"
Severus looked at his feet, and silently nodded his head. Adriana burst into tears, sobbing, her body shaking, until Severus took her in his arms and held her for a long time. Severus continued to console her and massage her shoulders, until she was in a much improved mood, which pleased him very much.
The two talked for several hours, Severus telling her all he knew about the Death Eaters and Voldemort, since Adriana didn't know that much about them. They talked about school and what was new that year. Severus told her about the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge. Adriana remembered the Oompa Loompaesque woman from the Masque the year before. "Albus hired that woman? She can't possibly be a good teacher, does she actually know anything?" Adriana asked incredulously.
"Well, he had no choice, the Ministry of Magic hired her for him," Severus explained. He filled her in on all the new things going on at the school this year.
"Damn governments, never trust any of them," Adriana said darkly, frowning. Leaving the kitchen, they went into the living room to watch a movie. The day continued pleasantly after that, until nightfall.
Severus was sitting on the bed next to Adriana, putting socks on her feet, since she couldn't put them on for herself easily anymore. Lost in thought, Adriana remembered the happy nights she and Lucius had spent in her bed together. She wondered if they would ever spend any more nights together. Even though the baby kept her company, Adriana was very lonely. The feel of Severus' fingers as he massaged her ankles was very pleasurable to her. Her breathing became more rapid as she leaned in to kiss Severus. He was caught completely off-guard, though he didn't resist it. He slowly moved his hands from her ankles up to her shoulders and held onto her tightly. Adriana leaned back and the two of them gently fell back onto her bed. Severus was overwhelmed at the scent of vanilla filling his head. He wanted to make passionate love to her, hear her cry out his name, but tried to take his time and savour the experience as much as he could. They ran their fingers through one another's hair before unbuttoning their clothes. Severus had seen Adriana naked before, or almost completely naked, but she had been smaller then. He thought she was beautiful, her breasts had grown larger with the pregnancy, as had her waist, and he thought she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever had the privilege of seeing. Exploring her body with an intensity Adriana didn't expect, Severus caressed her soft skin with his mouth and long fingers, causing her to smile and gasp at his touch. He was surprised that she didn't taste of the vanilla that she smelled so strongly of, though there was a sweetness to her skin, that he quite enjoyed. Adriana ran her hands over Severus' body while he kissed her slowly, his tongue entwining with hers. She wrapped her legs around his thighs, waiting for him to make love to her.
Severus looked down at her, and suddenly realized what was going through her mind. He wasn't the one she wanted to sleep with, she wanted Lucius. He had been a fool to think this was about him. Unwinding Adriana from his body and standing up, Severus began to put his clothes back on. Speaking quietly, he said, "If we made love tonight, whose name would you cry out?" Adriana looked at him with wide eyes, but said nothing. "I'm a poor substitute for Lucius, you'd hate yourself afterwards for doing this with me."
Coming to her senses, Adriana's eyes filled with tears. "Oh Sev, I'm so sorry. That was a terrible thing to do to you. And you're wrong, you're far too good for me than what I deserve. Don't you dare sell yourself short. You're a very attractive man, and any woman would be lucky to have you. But you were right, I wouldn't have been making love to you, I'd have been making love to a memory, and that's not fair." Severus left soon after that, but Adriana spent a sleepless night, horrified that she had almost used him as she had. After several hours of not being able to sleep, Adriana got up and walked outside the house. Walking up the hill to the bare olive tree, she carefully sat down on the ground. Her breath filled the frosty night air as she looked at the full moon. Leaning her head against the tree trunk, Adriana let her mind wander to thoughts of Lucius. She folded her arms over her stomach and held herself tightly. Words of a song that seemed to be haunting her lately came to her lips and poured forth:
Last night I watched him sleeping
My body pressed to him...
Yes I know that this was years ago
But when moonlight fills my room
I know
You are here... still
I still
I still believe
You will return
I know you will
My heart
Against all odds
Holds still
Yes, still
I still believe
I know as long as I can keep believing, I'll live
I'll live
Love cannot die
You will return
You will return
And I alone know why...
Adriana sang this song as a lullaby to the small child within her. She hoped the words would prove true and Lucius would come home again. He would love her and their child, he just had to.
References: Song "I Still Believe" from Miss Saigon.