Stayin' With You Chapter Six: Doubts
Sara woke up with a sudden craving. She wanted a beef burrito. She herself knew that it was strange because she wasn't too big on Mexican food. Being pregnant again completely changed her life thus far. Her hormones were all screwed up and she felt that her brain was losing all of its cells. Every little thing bothered her. It ranged from the dishes being out of place to Grissom leaving his socks in the floor and walking through the apartment with shoes on. There was now a new rule: all shoes come off at the door.
Grissom was trying his best to make Sara happy and do as she told him. He was a little tentative because he didn't want anything to happen to her. He would protect her and the baby. In reality, the odds of something as serious as a year ago were slim. Even though he knew this, Sara was only in her second month of pregnancy. They had a long way to go.
Sara had a similar mindset, and she had absolutely no idea how to get through her pregnancy. She admitted that the first time, she didn't take care of herself. She smoked a lot that year, drank more than she was used to, and was a strict vegetarian and she barely ate anything because of work. She would have eventually lost the baby, and she knew that her miscarriage would be because she had been taking the worst kind of care of herself. She didn't even see a doctor for God's sake. She would have miscarried and it would have been her fault. If she had just told the truth in the first place, maybe they would be saying they were expecting their second child.
Sara sat up in bed and shook the thoughts from her mind. She was pregnant now, and she was happy. She wanted this baby, and she would do everything to take care of him (she was convinced that she was having a boy). She was determined to be a mother, and she was determined to have that beef burrito.
She wiped sleep from her eyes. She and Grissom had been asleep for most of the day. She was sleeping because she had been cleaning the house like a mad woman all night, and Grissom was sleeping because he worked most of the shift out in the field. She looked back at Grissom, who was sleeping and she grinned. He was so excited about the baby. She was glad that he was so happy. How could she ever think that he wouldn't be happy about being a father?
Sara sighed as she tried to get herself to wake up. She was exhausted. She figured it went along with pregnancy. She yawned and stretched. She unconsciously scratched her belly as she did this. She felt that she was gaining a little weight, but nothing she was ashamed of yet. The way she ate food though was what freaked both she and Grissom out. She ate like a starving little orphan kid. There was no food wasted in the Grissom-Sidle household.
She got up and put on a shirt and pulled on a pair of jeans. Her eyes became wide as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her jeans barely fit. They were very low on her hips and her midsection was blocking the button from getting to the hole.
"Crap," she muttered to herself as she tried to suck in what she had in order to fit her jeans. Finally, she succeeded. She was in pain, but she got her jeans on.
All of a sudden, the button flew off somewhere in the room, and she heard Grissom stir in his sleep. Sara pulled off the jeans and threw them angrily across the room.
"You've gotta stop throwing things when you get angry honey," Grissom said sleepily.
All of a sudden he found himself dodging for the floor as the hairdryer came sailing across the room in his direction. She sat on the bed and cried in frustration. Grissom peeked over the top of the bed to see if she had any other objects ready to throw. When he saw that he was safe, he came back up on the bed. Sara had been emotional lately, and it was best for him not to make too many snide remarks. Two days ago, she threw a book at him. It was a thick one too.
"I don't know why I'm so fucked up," Sara cried. "I'm pregnant, I'm supposed to be happy!"
Grissom began to massage her shoulders. "Honey, this is all normal."
"Shut up, Gil! You're not helping!" Sara yelled as she pushed his hands off of her and got up from the bed. "You always leave your dirty socks in the floor, you don't clean as often as you should," she cried harder as she sat on the floor. "You never even call your mother."
Grissom didn't know how to comfort her. He knew that she had lost her mind. He couldn't call his mother, his mother was completely deaf. Sara knew this, but she was a jumble of nerves and hormones that were way off line within her body. Any rational thoughts escaped her mind.
"Baby, I'm sorry," Grissom said. "I'll do whatever you want. Are you hungry? I'll make you something for breakfast."
Sara shook her head. "No, I'm okay."
Sara got up and she found a pair of stretch pants to put on. She grabbed her keys and went out for a beef burrito.
***
As soon as Sara finished her burrito, she blanched.
She pulled over to the side of the road and threw up. She was never going to eat another burrito. Besides, that kind of food wasn't good for the baby. What was good food for the baby? Sara had no idea what to expect during her pregnancy.
"I'm gonna be a bad mother," Sara said to herself as she began to cry.
There was only one woman that she knew that could help her. Catherine Willows.
***
Sara stood on the porch and rang the doorbell.
"Hold on just a minute," Catherine's muffled voice called from within.
Sara waited patiently as Catherine prepared her home to look somewhat decent. After a few more moments, the door opened.
"Sara?" Catherine said in a sleepy voice. "What are you doing here?"
"Well I came over to ask you some questions," Sara started. "I woke you up, I'm sorry."
"Um, no," Catherine said, wiping her face. "I just got up, actually. I um…need to tidy up a bit, but do you want to come in?"
"No," Sara said. "I can tell that I disrupted your flow and I don't want to…"
"Sara, it's okay," Catherine interrupted. "I know you're worried about your pregnancy."
Catherine opened the door wider and allowed Sara to come in. Sara sat down on the plush couch and buried her face in her hands. She was so sleepy she could barely keep her eyes open.
"I'll be back in a few minutes Sara," Catherine said, trying to mat down her tussled hair.
Sara nodded. She was still nauseous from the burrito that she practically inhaled. She heard shuffling around in the bedroom part of the house. Catherine's house was quite large.
After a few more minutes, Catherine came into the living room.
"Sara, are you okay?" She asked. "Do you want something to drink?"
"Water please," Sara requested.
"Okay," Catherine said. She went to the kitchen and got a glass of water for Sara. "Here you go."
"Thank you," Sara said gratefully. She took a few gulps then set it on the table. "I came over because I don't know how to handle being pregnant. My hormones are all screwed up, I can't function. I threw a hairdryer at Gil this earlier this afternoon."
"Sara," Catherine said in a scolding tone. "You need to take some anger management classes."
"What was your pregnancy like?" Sara asked.
"Well, I was very moody like you are now," Catherine started. "In the first three months, you feel like you have no idea what you're doing. Once you start to show, you'll feel like a new woman. The reason you're feeling this way is because you feel like it's a dream or something, you know? I think that once you see it growing, it's real to you."
Sara nodded. Catherine's words of advice made complete sense. Sara was still in shock that she was going to be a mother. Once she sees the baby, and that it's really inside of her, growing, she'll believe in herself.
"Hey Sara," Warrick said in surprise as he walked into the living room. "Cathy?"
Sara looked between the pair in surprise. "You two must love each other. You don't let anyone call you 'Cathy'."
"Yeah," Catherine said with a smile. "We've been together for a year now Sara."
"I never even noticed," Sara said with a smile. "Does anyone else know?"
"Yeah," Warrick said. "Practically the entire lab knows."
"I have been left out of the loop," Sara said.
"Obviously," Warrick quipped. "How are you doing?"
Sara shook her head. "Not good. I threw a hairdryer at Gil this morning."
"Have you considered taking some anger management classes or something…"
"Why does everyone keep telling me that?" Sara interrupted in a rage. "I came over here to get some friendly advice but nooo," Sara dragged on. "Why am I the one that needs anger management? I am perfectly fine!" She shouted as she threw the glass to the floor.
Catherine and Warrick were stunned at how quickly her mood changed. She began to cry and she stalked over to the front door and swung it open angrily and walked out.
Catherine elbowed Warrick in the stomach.
"Ouch girl," he said. "What was that for?"
She stood up and faced him. "For getting her upset," Catherine said. "She's very emotional right now and by suggesting…"
"Emotional?" Warrick asked in disbelief. "She's mad as a hatter and you know she's always been that way Cath. Pregnant or not."
"I'm just saying that she's more on edge than usual," she said. "I think she's still afraid that something bad is going to happen to the baby. I pray to God that nothing happens to that baby because who knows what Sara will do to herself. She's been diagnosed as manic depressive. It's a wonder she still works at the lab. We just have to be extra nice around her and not say or do anything that will set her off."
Warrick nodded in agreement.
"Thank you," she said as she got up on tip toe to kiss him.
"Is this what I have to look forward to if you get pregnant?" Warrick asked.
"No," Catherine said. "Actually, I had real bad morning sickness. But who says I want to have another baby?"
Warrick wrapped his arms around her waist. "I don't know," he said kissing her again. "Is it a possibility?"
Catherine smiled.
***
Sara mentally berated herself for being so mean. She hated this part of her pregnancy so far. She was mean to everyone. She felt her brain scrambling for sanity. She had no idea how she would make it through her pregnancy.