"What was that all about?" Ash asked me.
"What do you mean?" I asked, feigning innocence. Even I wasn't sure what all that was about, so I stalled.
"El!" Ash shouted at me. "She was like, totally flirting with you, and you were totally responding!"
"And you are, like, totally talking like Paige."
"You're impossible! You know I talk like that when I get excited. It's because of years of being Paige's shadow. But who cares! Spill your guts! What the hell was that all about? Are you gay, and just forgot to mention it to me?"
"Does it matter?"
"Well, not in terms of our friendship, but yeah, I'd have liked to know! And why would you go out with Marco? Are you bi? What's the deal? YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"
"Nosey, aren't we?" I giggled. I knew I should be taking this more seriously, but how could I? Ash was hilarious when she was excited.
"Ellie Nash!" she yelled, "Spill your guts now, or I disembowel you!" Even she could say that with a straight face.
"You're going to disembowel me?" I asked, barely able to get the question out, I was laughing so hard. She started giggling too. Pretty soon, we could hardly breathe, we were giggling so hard. After a while though, we calmed down.
"So?" Ash asked, determined to get an answer.
"So what?"
"Don't make me hurt you! What was up with you and Lindsey?!"
"To be honest, I don't know what's up. I mean, I was going out with Marco, sort of…" I trailed off. I couldn't tell Ash Marco was gay, even if he had really pissed me off today. I had promised him I wouldn't say anything until he was ready.
"What do you mean, sort of?" Ash asked.
I thought quickly. "Well, we aren't going out anymore."
"Ok," Ash said, accepting that answer. "So…"
"I was going out with Marco, but I didn't really enjoy it like a girlfriend should. I mean, the kissing? It just wasn't doing anything for me. I just wanted to hang out like a close friend." I took a deep breath and continued. "And to be honest, Lindsey's flirting didn't bother me at all tonight. She's cute. Really cute. And she's into me. You heard her give me her phone number! But I thought I was straight, I think. I mean, I've built my whole thinking around the fact that I'm straight. But besides Marco, how many guys have I been into?"
"Well, none since you moved here."
"Exactly, and I never had even a little crush at my old school."
"So, what does that mean? Are you gay?"
I borrowed a phrase that had killed my crush on Marco a year ago. "I'm confused Ash, I'm really confused."
We sat in silence for a while.
"Please say something, Ash. You don't hate me, do you?"
"Of course not, you blockhead!" Ash giggled. "Its just, well, it's a lot to handle."
"Yeah, and think of how I feel!"
"You know, there's a support group I was part of for a while, when I found out my dad was gay. It was for kids who had a gay relative. They had two other groups. One was for gay adults, and a support group for gay and questioning teens. Maybe, er, well, maybe you'd want to go? I could even go with you! Lots of people brought friends to the support group I went to, and I don't have a problem going with you! Its totally confidential!" she said, rushing her words together.
"You know, Ash, that actually sounds like a good idea. You'll really go with me?"
"Of course!"
I thought about it for a second. "Well," I hesitated, gathering up my courage, "sure, why not? I'll go. When is it?"
"The next meeting would be, um, let me think. I went every Sunday, and the day before was the adults, so the day after was teens. So, the next one would be…"
"Monday," I interrupted. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow after school?"
"Yeah, it's not until six, so we'll do our homework together and then grab something to eat at the Dot again."
"You don't have to hang with me all day."
"I'll do it anyways. Just to make sure you don't lose your nerve. I remember when I went the first time; it was two weeks after I decided to go before I actually got the nerve to do it. I'll make sure you go on Monday."
"Ok," I said, trying to sound confident. Inside, I was about ready to puke. "Anyways, I have to get home. But I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"
"Ok El," Ash said, walking me out. "I'll see you on Monday. No chickening out!"
"Bye Ash."
"What do you mean?" I asked, feigning innocence. Even I wasn't sure what all that was about, so I stalled.
"El!" Ash shouted at me. "She was like, totally flirting with you, and you were totally responding!"
"And you are, like, totally talking like Paige."
"You're impossible! You know I talk like that when I get excited. It's because of years of being Paige's shadow. But who cares! Spill your guts! What the hell was that all about? Are you gay, and just forgot to mention it to me?"
"Does it matter?"
"Well, not in terms of our friendship, but yeah, I'd have liked to know! And why would you go out with Marco? Are you bi? What's the deal? YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"
"Nosey, aren't we?" I giggled. I knew I should be taking this more seriously, but how could I? Ash was hilarious when she was excited.
"Ellie Nash!" she yelled, "Spill your guts now, or I disembowel you!" Even she could say that with a straight face.
"You're going to disembowel me?" I asked, barely able to get the question out, I was laughing so hard. She started giggling too. Pretty soon, we could hardly breathe, we were giggling so hard. After a while though, we calmed down.
"So?" Ash asked, determined to get an answer.
"So what?"
"Don't make me hurt you! What was up with you and Lindsey?!"
"To be honest, I don't know what's up. I mean, I was going out with Marco, sort of…" I trailed off. I couldn't tell Ash Marco was gay, even if he had really pissed me off today. I had promised him I wouldn't say anything until he was ready.
"What do you mean, sort of?" Ash asked.
I thought quickly. "Well, we aren't going out anymore."
"Ok," Ash said, accepting that answer. "So…"
"I was going out with Marco, but I didn't really enjoy it like a girlfriend should. I mean, the kissing? It just wasn't doing anything for me. I just wanted to hang out like a close friend." I took a deep breath and continued. "And to be honest, Lindsey's flirting didn't bother me at all tonight. She's cute. Really cute. And she's into me. You heard her give me her phone number! But I thought I was straight, I think. I mean, I've built my whole thinking around the fact that I'm straight. But besides Marco, how many guys have I been into?"
"Well, none since you moved here."
"Exactly, and I never had even a little crush at my old school."
"So, what does that mean? Are you gay?"
I borrowed a phrase that had killed my crush on Marco a year ago. "I'm confused Ash, I'm really confused."
We sat in silence for a while.
"Please say something, Ash. You don't hate me, do you?"
"Of course not, you blockhead!" Ash giggled. "Its just, well, it's a lot to handle."
"Yeah, and think of how I feel!"
"You know, there's a support group I was part of for a while, when I found out my dad was gay. It was for kids who had a gay relative. They had two other groups. One was for gay adults, and a support group for gay and questioning teens. Maybe, er, well, maybe you'd want to go? I could even go with you! Lots of people brought friends to the support group I went to, and I don't have a problem going with you! Its totally confidential!" she said, rushing her words together.
"You know, Ash, that actually sounds like a good idea. You'll really go with me?"
"Of course!"
I thought about it for a second. "Well," I hesitated, gathering up my courage, "sure, why not? I'll go. When is it?"
"The next meeting would be, um, let me think. I went every Sunday, and the day before was the adults, so the day after was teens. So, the next one would be…"
"Monday," I interrupted. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow after school?"
"Yeah, it's not until six, so we'll do our homework together and then grab something to eat at the Dot again."
"You don't have to hang with me all day."
"I'll do it anyways. Just to make sure you don't lose your nerve. I remember when I went the first time; it was two weeks after I decided to go before I actually got the nerve to do it. I'll make sure you go on Monday."
"Ok," I said, trying to sound confident. Inside, I was about ready to puke. "Anyways, I have to get home. But I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"
"Ok El," Ash said, walking me out. "I'll see you on Monday. No chickening out!"
"Bye Ash."