"Silent night, holy night..." If only it were that simple. She
wanted a night, filled with a silence that could only be mimicked by the
snow that had fallen and was resting on the sidewalks and railings and
doorways outside.
"Sleep in heavenly, heavenly peace...sleep, sleep in heavenly, heavenly, heavenly peace..." Wherever did those days go; where, oh where did they fly, and why wasn't she a part of them anymore?
"Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child..." Why wasn't she a mother now? She should have been blessed with the birth of her first little baby child, a healthy round-faced dark-haired chubby infant boy, who would make her days and nights complete and filled with heavenly peace.
"Peace, peace, sleep...oh, sleep in heavenly peace." Perhaps she was only letting her emotions run away with her mind; maybe it was just the dim light and the candles and the candy and crimson and evergreen decorations and pillow cushions thinking for her. She was too young to be a mother, this she knew, and would know better if he were here. We're gonna have such a nice life, she would hear him say to her about once a week, because he wouldn't say it more often than that, as he was terrified of terrifying her with the commitment. He wasn't afraid, no, it didn't bother him at all. Maybe it would have if it had been with anyone else, but he knew he would never get tired of her. He would keep her forever, love her for always; as long as he was living, his baby she'd be. Whenever he cradled her he reminded her this.
"This is the night of our Dear Savior's birth." And yet I feel no joy, she thought, staring at the cherub on the mantelpiece. Every year the angel child would be there watching over the party, in Denton's wonderful house, this warm, comfortable house, which was open to all the working children acquainted with its owner on this night. Is he with you now, she questioned the angel child, gazing into its gorgeous sapphire eyes, thinking of how amazing it would be if it would liven and talk to her, just for this one night. That's all she was asking for, just one lonesome night made a little less lonesome by some company from heaven. But she knew who she really wanted to come down.
The fire is burning, the room's all aglow
Outside, the December wind blows
Away in the distance, the carolers sing in the snow
Everybody's laughing
The world is celebrating
And everyone's so happy
Except for me tonight
Cupping her hands into the shape they often took during the long, desperately solemn hours of the night now, she stared indifferently at the wretchedly wrinkled and rough skin. As long as I'm living...
Her head fell forward into the curved shape and she wept. Where are you? she asked from Earth. She wished someone would answer.
"Mayo."
And someone had.
"Mayo why are you in here?"
She lifted herself from that hunched-over position. Even though she was used to it, she detested having them watch her cry. No one had caught her crying since they had all cried together (but she the most) last winter. She had been careless to have someone catch her now. That person wouldn't just watch - he would judge. He would discuss with the others how strange of a girl she was for letting the season change her once again, as if she had chosen to become weak because it was now December and Christmas was almost upon them. She was sure this person who had caught her was wondering if she weren't just breaking down in front of him in order to grab their attention because she craved it so much and did not get as much now that he was no longer living and she was no longer his baby. Because that was what he had said, wasn't it? "As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." With a little kiss on the cheek to complete the sentiment.
"Mayo. Come on, what's wrong?" Ah, yes, it starts. The inquisition, the lack of acceptable answers, and finally, the rejection.
She fought the tears so hard, blinking feverishly, even though she knew it was probably alright to cry in front of Jack...he was only one, and if she asked him, he would not tell any others. Still, she was not able to look at his face.
"Hi, Jack." She tried to pretend she was normal. But what good is that? I might as well share - there will be no peace until I do. She lifted her head high and got a glimpse of the light hitting his high cheekbones. Fearful of losing her nerve, she took hold of his hand and covered it with her own. He quickly added his other hand to the pile.
A long shuddering sigh escaped her. "I am thinking about - well, him. You know." She wasn't about to let tears take her now.
He looked down at their hands enveloped in each other. "Oh...you mean, Racetrack?" His voice cracked ever so slightly upon saying the name.
She swallowed a tear and knew she had to whisper. "Yeah."
He gulped. She knew it wasn't easy for him to see her like this. But what could she do?
Because I miss you most
At Christmastime
And I can't get you, get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm alright
But then, I miss you
Most at Christmastime
"I'm so sorry, baby...so sorry."
I gaze out the window this cold winter's night
At all of the twinkling lights
Alone in the darkness,
Remembering when you were mine
With those words from him she couldn't hold back; she could only look at him through the awful blur and let him understand.
He embraced her, stroked her hair, and kissed the top of her head with tender lips. "You've gotta let him go sometime." He knew it was best for her. He wasn't all selfishness.
Nothing could bring back the feelings she had relied every single day for more than a year before.
Everybody's smiling,
The whole world is rejoicing
And everyone's embracing, except for you and I
Baby, I miss you most at Christmastime
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along and I'm alright...
"So why not let it be now?" She pulled away.
"You don't understand - I can't just let go...it's so much more than that; you can never know unless you experience it."
He pulled her in the hug again and whispered, "But he's gone, Mayo...he's never coming back."
"I know, I know," she cried.
"And there are other people in your life, still - to help you, you know we're here for you."
"I know, I know...but..." She lifted her tear-stained face. She sighed again. "I know."
"Mayo." He held her chin. "It's time to let him go."
In the springtime, those memories start to fade with the April rain
Through the summer days till Autumn's leaves are gone
I get by without you til the snow begins to fall, and then
I miss you most at Christmastime
And I can't get you, get you off my mind
Every other season comes along and I'm alright
But then, I miss you most at Christmastime
I won't let him go, she thought, with Jack's arms still around her. Nothing mattered now; nothing at all.
I miss him most.
"Sleep in heavenly, heavenly peace...sleep, sleep in heavenly, heavenly, heavenly peace..." Wherever did those days go; where, oh where did they fly, and why wasn't she a part of them anymore?
"Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child..." Why wasn't she a mother now? She should have been blessed with the birth of her first little baby child, a healthy round-faced dark-haired chubby infant boy, who would make her days and nights complete and filled with heavenly peace.
"Peace, peace, sleep...oh, sleep in heavenly peace." Perhaps she was only letting her emotions run away with her mind; maybe it was just the dim light and the candles and the candy and crimson and evergreen decorations and pillow cushions thinking for her. She was too young to be a mother, this she knew, and would know better if he were here. We're gonna have such a nice life, she would hear him say to her about once a week, because he wouldn't say it more often than that, as he was terrified of terrifying her with the commitment. He wasn't afraid, no, it didn't bother him at all. Maybe it would have if it had been with anyone else, but he knew he would never get tired of her. He would keep her forever, love her for always; as long as he was living, his baby she'd be. Whenever he cradled her he reminded her this.
"This is the night of our Dear Savior's birth." And yet I feel no joy, she thought, staring at the cherub on the mantelpiece. Every year the angel child would be there watching over the party, in Denton's wonderful house, this warm, comfortable house, which was open to all the working children acquainted with its owner on this night. Is he with you now, she questioned the angel child, gazing into its gorgeous sapphire eyes, thinking of how amazing it would be if it would liven and talk to her, just for this one night. That's all she was asking for, just one lonesome night made a little less lonesome by some company from heaven. But she knew who she really wanted to come down.
The fire is burning, the room's all aglow
Outside, the December wind blows
Away in the distance, the carolers sing in the snow
Everybody's laughing
The world is celebrating
And everyone's so happy
Except for me tonight
Cupping her hands into the shape they often took during the long, desperately solemn hours of the night now, she stared indifferently at the wretchedly wrinkled and rough skin. As long as I'm living...
Her head fell forward into the curved shape and she wept. Where are you? she asked from Earth. She wished someone would answer.
"Mayo."
And someone had.
"Mayo why are you in here?"
She lifted herself from that hunched-over position. Even though she was used to it, she detested having them watch her cry. No one had caught her crying since they had all cried together (but she the most) last winter. She had been careless to have someone catch her now. That person wouldn't just watch - he would judge. He would discuss with the others how strange of a girl she was for letting the season change her once again, as if she had chosen to become weak because it was now December and Christmas was almost upon them. She was sure this person who had caught her was wondering if she weren't just breaking down in front of him in order to grab their attention because she craved it so much and did not get as much now that he was no longer living and she was no longer his baby. Because that was what he had said, wasn't it? "As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." With a little kiss on the cheek to complete the sentiment.
"Mayo. Come on, what's wrong?" Ah, yes, it starts. The inquisition, the lack of acceptable answers, and finally, the rejection.
She fought the tears so hard, blinking feverishly, even though she knew it was probably alright to cry in front of Jack...he was only one, and if she asked him, he would not tell any others. Still, she was not able to look at his face.
"Hi, Jack." She tried to pretend she was normal. But what good is that? I might as well share - there will be no peace until I do. She lifted her head high and got a glimpse of the light hitting his high cheekbones. Fearful of losing her nerve, she took hold of his hand and covered it with her own. He quickly added his other hand to the pile.
A long shuddering sigh escaped her. "I am thinking about - well, him. You know." She wasn't about to let tears take her now.
He looked down at their hands enveloped in each other. "Oh...you mean, Racetrack?" His voice cracked ever so slightly upon saying the name.
She swallowed a tear and knew she had to whisper. "Yeah."
He gulped. She knew it wasn't easy for him to see her like this. But what could she do?
Because I miss you most
At Christmastime
And I can't get you, get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm alright
But then, I miss you
Most at Christmastime
"I'm so sorry, baby...so sorry."
I gaze out the window this cold winter's night
At all of the twinkling lights
Alone in the darkness,
Remembering when you were mine
With those words from him she couldn't hold back; she could only look at him through the awful blur and let him understand.
He embraced her, stroked her hair, and kissed the top of her head with tender lips. "You've gotta let him go sometime." He knew it was best for her. He wasn't all selfishness.
Nothing could bring back the feelings she had relied every single day for more than a year before.
Everybody's smiling,
The whole world is rejoicing
And everyone's embracing, except for you and I
Baby, I miss you most at Christmastime
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along and I'm alright...
"So why not let it be now?" She pulled away.
"You don't understand - I can't just let go...it's so much more than that; you can never know unless you experience it."
He pulled her in the hug again and whispered, "But he's gone, Mayo...he's never coming back."
"I know, I know," she cried.
"And there are other people in your life, still - to help you, you know we're here for you."
"I know, I know...but..." She lifted her tear-stained face. She sighed again. "I know."
"Mayo." He held her chin. "It's time to let him go."
In the springtime, those memories start to fade with the April rain
Through the summer days till Autumn's leaves are gone
I get by without you til the snow begins to fall, and then
I miss you most at Christmastime
And I can't get you, get you off my mind
Every other season comes along and I'm alright
But then, I miss you most at Christmastime
I won't let him go, she thought, with Jack's arms still around her. Nothing mattered now; nothing at all.
I miss him most.