It was a good thing Ash had decided to stick around to make sure Ellie was going to go that night. All Ellie could think about during school that day was how she could get out of going. Since she couldn't really think of a good excuse, she decided to just tell Ash she wasn't going to go. End of story.
"Ellie, you are going, even if I have to drag you!" Ash said, clearly proving Ellie's theory was not going to work.
"Ash, I'm just not…I can't…I'm not going!"
"You're going. Its 5:30, we've finished all our homework and you're going! It'll be good for you."
"So are a lot of things I don't do."
"Come on, we have to walk, so we better get going now."
I gave in. I knew I gave in way to easily, that I probably should have kept up the argument for a while, but I knew, in the end, I wouldn't win anyway. So I gave up.
WE got there at ten to six, which was good. At least I could get a seat in the back, where no one would see me. Or so I thought. We walked in the room, and much to my dismay, the chairs were in a circle. So Ash and I just pick some, next to each other. Hey, if I was going to have to be here, I was going to hang onto Ash like she was a life ring saving me from drowning. Damn straight.
A few minutes later, much to my horror, Marco walked in. He didn't see me at first, but then it happened. Our eyes met, and locked on each other. My stomach dropped into my toes, and I did the only thing that came to mind; I bolted. I dashed out of that room like it was on fire.
Ash called to me, but Marco said, "I'll go." This was the last thing I wanted! Unfortunately, Marco runs way faster than I do, and he caught me.
"El? Ellie? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? What's wrong?!" I started laughing. "What the hell do you think is wrong? I came here, for privacy, and you're here. I have a massive crush on Craig's cousin, Lindsey, and she's interested in me too. I like a girl Marco, and now you know it! I don't know if you've noticed, but gay guys are a thousand times more acceptable in society than lesbians! Look at TV, all the homosexuals are guys, unless the girls are bi and willing to have sex with anyone. Lesbians aren't acceptable. I can't be a lesbian, and I'm here anyway! So honestly, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS WRONG?!"
"Whoa, whoa, El, slow down. What, do you think I'm going to pass judgement? You were there for me when I came out to you. You were my girlfriend for way longer than any girl should have to put up with that crap, and you're worried about what I think? Don't, that's just ridiculous," Marco told me.
A single tear ran down my cheek, before I could stop it. I sunk to the floor, sitting there. "I can't do this Marco. I have to be Mum and Dad's good little straight girl, and get married to a nice, straight boy. I have to have straight children, and raise them to be good, straight Catholics. I have to make it through high school without getting beaten up every day. And I'm gay? I can't be gay."
"El, if you are, you can't do anything about it. You just are. You could live a huge lie, like I've been living for a year, or you could just accept it. Now come on, just sit through the group with me. It'll be fine. I swear."
And so we walked in together. Everyone there welcomed me. I recognized a few people, vaguely. They asked me to introduce myself, and I said, "I'm Ellie Nash, and I think I'm a lesbian. But I can't be, so I'm not."
I got a lot of sympathetic looks. One girl told me, "I can't be a lesbian either. I can't or I'll get kicked out of my house, and forced to live on my own. I currently own my own tiny apartment, and hold down a job. I have a great girlfriend. I can't be a lesbian, but I am. And I'm happier than I ever was when I was 'straight'. My name's Judy."
"I can't be gay either. I can't be gay or I'll be beaten by the jocks at my school every day. I'll be tormented, humiliated, and ostracized. I have two black eyes and a wonderful boyfriend."
"I thought I couldn't be a lesbian. I was raised in a good catholic home. I was taught that everything that came out of the Pope's mouth was right, including the part about homosexuals. I was raised believing that I was less of a person. I came out, and my parents' whole outlook changed. I have a great home-life, and my friends still accept me."
"I can't be gay because I'll lose all my friends," Marco said, sadly.
"I'm sorry guys. I…I didn't realize," I apologized, ashamed of myself.
"Don't be sorry," Judy told me. "You shouldn't be sorry. It's terrible trying to figure out who you are when everyone else just KNOWS. But even if you think you can't be gay because of society, the fact doesn't change that you very well might be gay. And you can't change that."
I left that night feeling a lot better. On our way home, Ash said, "I didn't realize what gay people had to go through. Honestly, El, if you're gay, it won't matter at all to me. I swear!"
"That means a lot to me, thanks, Ash."
"Ellie, you are going, even if I have to drag you!" Ash said, clearly proving Ellie's theory was not going to work.
"Ash, I'm just not…I can't…I'm not going!"
"You're going. Its 5:30, we've finished all our homework and you're going! It'll be good for you."
"So are a lot of things I don't do."
"Come on, we have to walk, so we better get going now."
I gave in. I knew I gave in way to easily, that I probably should have kept up the argument for a while, but I knew, in the end, I wouldn't win anyway. So I gave up.
WE got there at ten to six, which was good. At least I could get a seat in the back, where no one would see me. Or so I thought. We walked in the room, and much to my dismay, the chairs were in a circle. So Ash and I just pick some, next to each other. Hey, if I was going to have to be here, I was going to hang onto Ash like she was a life ring saving me from drowning. Damn straight.
A few minutes later, much to my horror, Marco walked in. He didn't see me at first, but then it happened. Our eyes met, and locked on each other. My stomach dropped into my toes, and I did the only thing that came to mind; I bolted. I dashed out of that room like it was on fire.
Ash called to me, but Marco said, "I'll go." This was the last thing I wanted! Unfortunately, Marco runs way faster than I do, and he caught me.
"El? Ellie? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? What's wrong?!" I started laughing. "What the hell do you think is wrong? I came here, for privacy, and you're here. I have a massive crush on Craig's cousin, Lindsey, and she's interested in me too. I like a girl Marco, and now you know it! I don't know if you've noticed, but gay guys are a thousand times more acceptable in society than lesbians! Look at TV, all the homosexuals are guys, unless the girls are bi and willing to have sex with anyone. Lesbians aren't acceptable. I can't be a lesbian, and I'm here anyway! So honestly, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS WRONG?!"
"Whoa, whoa, El, slow down. What, do you think I'm going to pass judgement? You were there for me when I came out to you. You were my girlfriend for way longer than any girl should have to put up with that crap, and you're worried about what I think? Don't, that's just ridiculous," Marco told me.
A single tear ran down my cheek, before I could stop it. I sunk to the floor, sitting there. "I can't do this Marco. I have to be Mum and Dad's good little straight girl, and get married to a nice, straight boy. I have to have straight children, and raise them to be good, straight Catholics. I have to make it through high school without getting beaten up every day. And I'm gay? I can't be gay."
"El, if you are, you can't do anything about it. You just are. You could live a huge lie, like I've been living for a year, or you could just accept it. Now come on, just sit through the group with me. It'll be fine. I swear."
And so we walked in together. Everyone there welcomed me. I recognized a few people, vaguely. They asked me to introduce myself, and I said, "I'm Ellie Nash, and I think I'm a lesbian. But I can't be, so I'm not."
I got a lot of sympathetic looks. One girl told me, "I can't be a lesbian either. I can't or I'll get kicked out of my house, and forced to live on my own. I currently own my own tiny apartment, and hold down a job. I have a great girlfriend. I can't be a lesbian, but I am. And I'm happier than I ever was when I was 'straight'. My name's Judy."
"I can't be gay either. I can't be gay or I'll be beaten by the jocks at my school every day. I'll be tormented, humiliated, and ostracized. I have two black eyes and a wonderful boyfriend."
"I thought I couldn't be a lesbian. I was raised in a good catholic home. I was taught that everything that came out of the Pope's mouth was right, including the part about homosexuals. I was raised believing that I was less of a person. I came out, and my parents' whole outlook changed. I have a great home-life, and my friends still accept me."
"I can't be gay because I'll lose all my friends," Marco said, sadly.
"I'm sorry guys. I…I didn't realize," I apologized, ashamed of myself.
"Don't be sorry," Judy told me. "You shouldn't be sorry. It's terrible trying to figure out who you are when everyone else just KNOWS. But even if you think you can't be gay because of society, the fact doesn't change that you very well might be gay. And you can't change that."
I left that night feeling a lot better. On our way home, Ash said, "I didn't realize what gay people had to go through. Honestly, El, if you're gay, it won't matter at all to me. I swear!"
"That means a lot to me, thanks, Ash."