[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 1: Finally Home

I am a mute. Yes, that's right, I can not speak, but I wasn't born the way I am now. I was born as a healthy, normal child. This happened when I was around 3. Though it is over a decade ago, I can still remember it like yesterday. The memory of the day that changed my life forever haunts every single night after that incident for many years. Many years have passed since then, I have partly overcome the trauma after numerous visits to the psychiatrist. However, when I close my eyes now and with the tiniest effort, I can already see the accident occur with every detail as if experiencing it all over again.

~~~

It was a Sunday. I have been whining to go to the zoo for weeks. Yet, my parents kept saying, "We will go next week." I knew they didn't mean it since they have said that for so many weeks that I can't even remember how many. I decide that I will trust them no more. This time I would get what I want and when I want. It was a sunny day, not too hot nor too cold, but just right. There is not a better time to go to the zoo than now. I wailed and begged and cried. Finally, they gave in and decide that it would be a family day.

On the bus, I busily played with the doll I brought with me just to kill the boring time on the bus. I could not wait till I got to the zoo. I have been waiting for this for a long time - so I thought. I was totally wrong though. If I can go back in time and change the history, I would do everything I could to stop that trip from happening.

Mama was sitting next to me on my right with my little brother in her arm. He was still every young and cute. Even though I wasn't much older than he was, I always liked to act like a big sister, that I was, and order him to do some tricks for me. I would tell him to give me his hand or to stand or to sit. But of course, he didn't know how to do any of the things I ordered him to. He was just too young at the moment to learn to do such things. Papa was reading newspaper on my left. I thought I was going finally going to get what I wanted just as I heard the screeching of the tires on the bus. People started to scream and yell and cry. Papa wrapped his arms around my tiny body and tried shield me with his own body from what was going to hurt us. I didn't know what was happening but I was scared. I didn't like the way people were screaming for their life. I didn't like the way Papa was holding me like it was going to be the last time he will ever do so, which was true. I heard a loud bang and some more screeching of the bus on the road. There were some flips and turns. I then knew it was a collision. The great turbulence have shattered all the windows an the bus and some people were thrown out of their seat and eventually onto the road. The inside of the bus was quite demented. Papa was still holding me and we managed to slip into a free spot in the now crooked bus so that I wouldn't crush to death. When the bus came to a full stop, there was only silence. I started whimpering for the pain in my leg. I was really scared. I tried to scream as loud as I could, but not a single sound left my mouth. You know how you can try to scream so loud that your mouth just can't make any sound? Well, I guess that was it. I pulled and pushed frantically at Mama and Papa but there was no response. There was only silence. No matter how much I begged them to answer me they just won't do as I asked. Soon, the siren was heard and I was rescued.

~~~

Not many people survived the horrendous collision and I was one of the few. I don't know if I should be count as lucky or unlucky. Sure, I am lucky that I survived and only had a broken leg and the lost of my voice. The doctors said that my lost of voice was due to trauma. They say that my vocal cord was absolutely fine but it is just that my brain refuses to speak. With all the damages done to my body, I guess I am still lucky. At least I still has my life. But also unlucky that from then on I would have to live the rest of my life by myself. My parents along with my little brother didn't survive the accident. They were killed instantly. I blamed myself for that. If only I didn't insist to go to the zoo and if I didn't let my Papa protect me with his own body or even if I was never born, then my family would still be here with me today. There was a period of time when I kept hearing voices of my family yelling at me for causing their deaths and I became quite paranoid. I would curl myself into a fetal position in a corner of the room and shiver with droplets of sweat rolling down my face. I was young and understood very little. No one explained to me that it wasn't my fault. Anyways, after I was released from the hospital, I was sent to the orphanage. After all, I had no relatives. If I don't go to the orphanage, then I wouldn't have any places to go. For months, I wouldn't dare to close my eyes. Once in darkness, I would go through the pain again and again. So, I was never able to sleep at night. Then during day, I would be too tired to do anything, even to eat. The energy I used to have for life slowly drains from me. I was pretty much paranoid. It tortured me to such a point that they hospitalized me with a psychiatrist to visit once in a while. The doctor was the first one to explain to me that nothing that happened was my fault. I accepted that and started a happier life. Well, not totally happy, but better than before. Soon, I was able fall asleep again and be able to close my eyes. However, once in a while, I would be awaken with sweat on my forehead from the same nightmare that I have been having for years and even now.

Although I was in an orphanage surrounded by many other kids who have their own reason for being there, I was alone and lonely. Because of my lack of ability to speak, the others see me as something from outer space or the perfect object to play their pranks on. So, the kids either shunned me or bullied me. For many times, I was teased, bullied, and even beaten. Even the tiniest and weakest kids would choose to pick on me. Though I was young, I did learn a lesson from that. I learned that if you don't want others to look down at you, you must not look down at yourself. And when people still don't respect you, then you just have to MAKE them. It was on the day that I was being pushed around by a kid smaller than me that I learn how to MAKE them respect me.

~~~

It was an ordinary day where I was alone sitting under a tree to see all the other obnoxious, selfish, self-center, and insensitive kids play on the playground. It has been 3 years since I lived here. Though I wanted to go and play on the monkey bars, I didn't go. I just had another one of the nightmare the night before, I was already physically and mentally tired. I didn't want to start being harassed by the other kids again. I thought that if I didn't bother the world, then the world wouldn't come and bother me. I was wrong again. One of the weakling among the kids came and claimed that it was his spot under the tree and told me to get the hell out of there. What he said was just totally a lie because this had been my place ever since I could remember. This guy was known for the weakest and now even he was here to pick on me. He pulled me up by the arm and pushed me hard enough to lose my balance and land on the ground. That was it! I wanted to scream to him that it is my spot. I opened my mouth ready to scream in the loudest voice that boy would ever hear, but nothing came out. I was angry at myself for that. Well, if I couldn't win a fight verbally, then I might as well win it physically.

The little boy sat down under the shade of the tree while I stood over him giving him the glare that would mean "You-will-be-sorry-if-you-don't-leave-now". I guessed he didn't understand that glare and just scoffed and looked away. That was my line. I pulled him up with just one hand and punched him across the face, sending him to fall on the hard ground beneath him. Before the poor boy could even take a breath to wail, I have already pounded on him, pinning him down with one hand and hitting him with the other. The commotion soon attracted the others at the playground. I just wanted to get through the day without any trouble, but I guessed that wasn't going to happen after all.

One of the bigger kids, known to be the head of them all, pulled me off of the little one under me and threatened to hurt me. Of course, I am not going to lose now that I have started the fight. I am sick and tired of being the loser, the quiet one, or the weak one. Though from comparing the size of me and the bigger boy in front of me, it seemed hopeless to even lay a scratch on him, but I was not going to give up. Soon, both the boy and I tumbled and rolled on the ground. Somehow I managed to bleed his nose which ended up making him cry. Later we were separated by one of the adults who was in charge at the moment. Ever since that first fight, no one dared to bully me again. That was how I learned to make others respect me. Well, I was not really sure if they respected me, but as long as they didn't pick on me, it was good enough.

~~~

On the plane, which I am on right now, I look out the window. I can see the land coming to vision now. The announcement came on saying that they plane will land in 15 minutes. I am excited and nervous. I haven't been back for ages and today is the day I have been waiting for ever since I left Japan. Finally, I am coming home. Here at home, are the people that have taken me into their home to become a part of their family. I am grateful for that. I can't wait to see his face again. Even when they all know perfectly well that I am not really their kid, they still treat as if I am. I have never felt left out or unwanted. This is the family that have rescued me from the misery I was having in the orphanage.

~~~

Again, I was under that big tree, in the shade. That must had been the most comfortable spot in the area. I kneel down looking at the line of ants that were walking back to their little home while carrying food on their back. Then a shadow covered me, I immediately tensed up with my hand into a fist ready to fight who ever it was. I looked up and the boy kneels down next to me and stared at the line of ants that I had been staring at for who knows how many hours. He seemed harmless and not in any way threatening. I relaxed and let him watch the trail of ants with me. This boy was as quiet as I was and I liked it. Finally, there was someone like me. At least it seemed like me at first. I realized that my assumption was wrong when I heard him spoke.

"They are all useful," that was what the boy said.

I looked at him and nodded. Indeed, I agreed with him. Even though they are all small, they are all helpful - unlike me. I felt quite useless most of the time. I wondered why I had to survive that accident. If only I could die along with the others. How I wished I was useful and be able to bring them all back. These were the thoughts I would push away with every chance I had. I knew I had to live strong and look forward and not backward.

Then it started. Some bigger guys in the playground were just to fed up with me that they had to come and pick a fight. The ridiculous boys came and stomped on the trail of ants, killing some of them. I hated being disturbed. Haven't they learned not to mess with me? I guessed I would just have to refresh their memory on that. Standing up, I put my hands on my hip showing how upset I was. Yet, they didn't seem to care. Perhaps they thought that they could over take me with the number of people they had on their side? Some pushing started and the quiet boy who was beside me stood up too. Before the serious fight would start, the quiet boy stood in front of me as if to protect from the tedious boys that were ready to serious beat me up. With some shoving and and pushing, the fight finally began but was ended moments later when a few adults came and pulled us apart. Two finely dressed people, a man and a woman, rushed to the side of the quiet boy and brushed the dust and dirt off his face and shirt, while the rest of the kids along with me were being scold by the old nun. I never like that old lady. All she ever did was yell at us and now she was going to do it again as if we would actually listen. I looked at the quiet boy that was being pampered by the two adults, not paying attention to any of the things that old nun was saying. That boy is different from us, the orphans, I decided. From the concerned looks on the 2 adults faces, I assumed that they were his parents. Now, why would a kid with parents be in a place like this? I didn't understand then. Before the lecture that the old nun was giving us was over, the quiet and mysterious boy had already left with his parents.

The next day I was surprised when the bitch, nun, finely dressed me and lead me to a room that I have never been to before. There in the room, I saw the quiet boy that I saw yesterday. It is then that I knew I will have a home of my own soon. That family took me home with them. I was truly happy for the longest time. I learned that the generous family that is willing to take me in was called Hanazawa and the quiet boy's name is Rui.