[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 4: A Replacement

I don't know how long it has been since I sat here. The autumn is bringing down the now yellow or red leaves to fall from their original place. I watch them drift to the ground as I, again, sit under a tree. I have enrolled into the same school as F4, in Eitoku. With the power and threats of Tsukasa, the principal has no choice but to let an imperfect me to attend to this well known school for those in the upper class in society. How can the principal disobey the F4 when the main source of funding is given by the Doumyouji family? I really don't know why Tsukasa insisted that I must be in the same school as they are. I know my situation and I know I might not be wanted in such high status school.

People in the school isn't as nice as I hoped them to be. Very often, I have gotten some unpleasant comments by strangers about my disability, some are said because of the sympathy and pity they have for me. I don't like people seeing me as an alien. People has always pitied me for what I lack. I hate the look of sympathy in their faces. I just want to tell them that I am just as happy and as normal as anyone can be. After all, no one is perfect. Those pity look of strangers can suffocate me. Though I hate being pitied by others, I most certainly hate being insulted or criticized. In this school, a group of girls, leads by Asai, just can't stop getting off my back. I don't know what I had ever done wrong to them. Is my existence that much of a pain to them? What snobs. Today is only the first day of school for me in this unfamiliar school and I have already made enemies. They seem to think that I stick to the Tsukasa and Rui too much and that an imperfect me, do not deserve their love. Just what are they thinking about? Who ever said that they love me? But I do hope that what they think is true. At least I do hope that Rui loves me in a way that is more than just for sisters. Asai and her followers just can't stop themselves from harassing me. Unfortunately, I am just too depressed to fight them. My spirit has been drained out of me as the reason for my return to Japan is no longer valid. Seeing them, Rui and Shizuka, together just adds to my depression. Luckily, it seems that only Asai and her two friends have something to hold against me. Other than them, the rest of the school just ignore my existence and leave me to rest in peace. I guess none of them want to call for trouble as they all seem to know - but I don't know how - that I am with the F4. Here under a tree, away from any human beings is the first peaceful moment I have since the minute I step foot in this school. I close my eyes and enjoy my short lunch break under this securing tree that I lean my back against.

I hear scratching of the grass near me and my muscle quickly tense up. Just as I thought I can rest, someone has to come and destroy it. I open my eyes, hoping that it is not Asai along with her friends. My prayers are met. Standing in front of me is Tsukasa. Though not the first thing I want to see in the world, he is better than Asai.

"What are you doing here?" Tsukasa asks as he sits down next to me.

I don't feel like answering his question. Actually, I don't even know why I am here myself. I just sit there, not moving an inch, not wanting to answer his questions.

"We were all waiting for you at the cafeteria," Tsukasa continues as he sees no response from me. His patience is certainly getting better. When has he improved? If he is his old self before I left Japan, he would be practically be beating an answer out of me by now even if it would just be a twitch of my eyes that I would give him.

Who are the "we" that he mentioned in the sentence? Does that include Rui? Does he even remember me now that he has the "love of his life"? Shizuka is kind in nature, friendly, outgoing, and not to mention gorgeous. Whereas, I am just a plain looking girl with a defective body. How can I ever compare to her? I have never felt so put down before.

"You love him, don't you?" Tsukasa asks with his voice half shaking. I quickly turn my face to look at him. He has his head lowered so that I can barely see his face. However, I can still see that every muscle of his face is tensed. His hand have turn into a tight fist. How does he know? Am I that obvious? Does that mean Rui knows too? Just as quickly as Tsukasa's face have tensed up, it has relaxed. Before I knew it, he has already wrapped his arms around me. Surprised at his sudden action, my body doesn't know how to react. What is he doing? What is he thinking? I clutch onto the grass under my hands preventing my heart from jumping out of position from thumping too hard caused by the shock. What is he doing? Why is he so emotional today? To be honest, there aren't many times I had seen him so emotional. For most of the times I have known him, he has always been a childish, arrogant boy who shows nothing but his pride. I can somehow feel that he is depressed, but for what? Feeling his sadness, my arms wrap around him unconsciously as to comfort the big guy that I had once thought nothing can ever hurt him. His muscle tenses up as he feels the touch my of arms around him, but soon loosen and relax again. With his chin resting on my shoulder, he muffles into my hair, "Can't you love me the way you love him?"

Another shock. What is he talking about? His grip on me tighten. I can feel his warmth and the beating of his heart against my body as the beating fasten. Fasten? Why? Well, I know perfectly well why now. How can anyone not know? He loves me, I can tell. Since when? Well, this is something I haven't been expecting. I think back in time, trying recall any moment in history that would have hinted that he loved me.

~~~

I was going to play the "mother-father" game with Rui again, while Soujiro and Akira wanted to play some kind of wrestling game. I didn't really like to play wrestling games, not that I would definitely lose. It was just that, why waste so much energy into getting yourself hurt when you can play a nice and quiet game of "family" or "tea party"?

Soujiro and Akira were jumping around yelling enthusiastically about the game they wanted to play while I hold on to Rui's hand, squeezing it with rhythm, telling him that I wanted to play "mom and dad". Rui spoke out my mind.

"That's such a girlie game!" Soujiro exclaimed.

"Only sissy would play it," Akira added in.

Rui didn't bother to protest since he wasn't interested in doing anything anyways.

"Well, I am tired, I rather play quietly with Tsukushi than waste my energy with you guys," Tsukasa suddenly spoke up.

"What?!" Akira asked in surprise.

"When had you become girl?" Soujiro mocked

Whack! There went a punch on both Akira's and Soujiro's heads. I giggled at the painful expression on their faces. It was quite amusing to see them whine about the pain that Tsukasa had put on their heads. Soujiro and Akira finally agreed to play for a while with what I wanted. They fought to be the one to play as "Dad".

"If I am going to play such stupid game, I should at least be the man who gets the girl," Akira explained.

"I think I am, by far, most suitable for being the husband," Soujiro replied.

That's right. At the age of 9, they were already very much into girls. I wonder if there was ever a time where they didn't notice girls. I cross my arms to wait for them to argue about who wants to be who and I was getting impatient.

"I will be the father!" Tsukasa announced.

Just when Akira and Soujiro wanted to protest, Tsukasa lifted his fist in front of them making them shut up about what they were going to say. While playing, Tsukasa suddenly said, "Maybe some day this will become real."

I looked at him with a puzzled face. What the hell was he talking about? But it didn't matter to me.

~~~

It was Tsukasa's birthday. It was his 9th birthday. The food were lined up in a really long table. The cake was taller than I was. Many people attended his party. However, most of them were strangers to me. I didn't think Tsukasa would know all of them too. Some of them were old, definitely not Tsukasa's classmate, they were business men. I wondered where those people came from and for what reason they came. His parents didn't come back to celebrate his birthday though. I felt sorry for him about it. I remembered that when it was my birthday, my parents would buy me a cake and presents and we would have a little party at our house. Although the cake wasn't really big and the presents were very splendid, I had a great time because my parents were with me.

Tsukasa, Soujiro, Akira, Rui and I played together in a room away from the crowd in the main hall. We didn't know those people anyways, why bother wasting our time to social with them? Anyways, most of them that were there were only hoping to meet Tsukasa's parents to talk about business. Of course, those who came for that reason were in total disappointment. Akira and Soujiro were fooling around as usual and sometimes going out into the crowd to talk to some stranger girls. I didn't understand what they were doing then, but I do now. They were flirting. Rui and I were sitting on the comfy couch facing the window. We were not doing anything special. Rui was staring into the blue sky silently as I accompanied him and eventually he fell asleep. Tsukasa was sitting at another corner by himself being awfully quiet. I looked at him and knew something was wrong with him. He usually wasn't that quiet. Being silent is a "Rui" thing, but never a "Tsukasa" thing. Tsukasa is anything but quiet.

I walked over to Tsukasa leaving the sleeping Rui on the couch. I sat down next to him.

"I am bored," Tsukasa said, "They didn't come back."

"They" meant his parents, I knew. Who else could it had meant? I never thought Tsukasa cared much about his parents since he never talked about them. It was the first time I saw how lonely Tsukasa was. Well, come to think of it, it would be quite easy to guess. Who wouldn't be lonely if you live in a huge mansion with only your sister to interact with. He lacked nothing that money could buy. The only thing he didn't have was the love from his parents.

"But that doesn't matter, as long as I have you by my side, I will be fine," Tsukasa said.

I didn't really understand what he meant by that. But I do now.

~~~

While I was thinking hard about the past, Tsukasa kisses me. My eyes widen at his action. How many shocks can I take a day? It is only a soft quick kiss on the lips though. Nothing too much for me to handle at the moment. I look at him as he looks at me.

"Can we be together?" Tsukasa asks quietly and seriously.

I look at him, not daring to move an inch, afraid that any movement that I make would mean any kind of reply. Tsukasa moves closer again as I stare at him. I don't know what to do. My body is stoned. He kisses me again. This time it is different though. This is a more intense kiss. I don't exactly hate him. If I push him away now, it would probably hurt him. I think of something to do as his tongue playfully slid across my lips and automatically, my lips departs. Before I knew it, his tongue was already inside my mouth. What am I doing? I seem to be too enjoying this as I lost my thoughts and continue kissing. I guess things wouldn't turn out too bad like this. He needs me as I also need someone to comfort my shattered heart. I just hope that I have not done something that I will totally regret in the future.