[Chi's Work]
Unspoken Words
Chapter 5: Decision and Intention
Walking hand in hand with Tsukasa into the school cafe, I feel awkward as the eyes of the passerby pierce at me. I know the girls around me want to strangle me to death at this very second. The only thing that is stopping them from doing so is probably because of the man holding my hand has the ability to make them disappear from this school forever if they ever make the wrong moves. We strode toward the table where Akira, Soujiro, Shizuka and Rui were sitting. Just looking at him for another second, I would drown in the sorrow about the fact that he doesn't love me the way I love him. I feel guilty at the thought. Here I am, holding onto Tsukasa's hand when I am thinking about how much I love Rui instead. Have I made the biggest mistake in my life by returning Tsukasa's kiss and to agree to be with him? Am I using him? I don't want to know the answers, afraid that the truth will amount the guilt in me to a point where I can't breathe.
The group has their heads up looking at our entrance. Their eyes widen as they see that Tsukasa is holding my hand. Is that a surprise look on Rui's face? The expression on his face soon got smooth out into one of his expressionless features. Tsukasa arm wraps possessively around my waist as if announcing to the world that he had claimed me. I wriggle uncomfortably at his touch, but his arm remains around me.
We sit down into two empty seats and immediately, Akira and Souniro start asking question and commenting on our new found relationship.
"Did I miss something lately?" Soujiro asks.
"I thought it would take Tsukasa another decade to get his confession out," Akira jokes.
Tsukasa lifts up his fist threatening to land it on their heads and Akira and Soujiro finally shut up about the issue. I look at Rui, who is sitting in front of me. His eyes stare at my hand that is tangled with Tsukasa's. A feeling of uneasiness sweep over me. I try to free my hand from Tsukasa's but his grip only tightens as I try. I give up and let him hold my hand. What is so fascinating about our entwined hands? I shift uncomfortably in my seat as Rui lifts his stare from my hand to my eyes. What are you trying to tell me? I can't read anything off your face. What are you trying to read from my face?
~~~
I was playing in his room again. We were home alone again. Well, there of course were more than enough servants in the house with us, but there were no one to talk to in the house, making it seemed as if we really were alone. I guess for this reason, I was needed in this family - to accompany Rui. Although the house to humungous, the only place we liked to be in was Rui's room where it was cozy and felt like home. We had nothing better to do. I sat reading a book. Time was usually spent this way when F3 wasn't present to create any weird new games. However, I enjoyed the quiet times. It is not very often that F3 would not be around. I was so into the book I was reading that I didn't notice Rui was looking at me. He was staring at me, as if I was a book that he was reading. I looked up at him and see him still reading me, the expressions on my face. I asked with my petite hands why he was staring at me.
"You look cute when you are fascinated," Rui simply said.
How does he knew that I was fascinated? I didn't know. Was my face that obvious? Time was always passed like this in our childhood time. From then on, I realized how good he was at reading people's mind. Where did he learn to study people? Was he born with it? I was glad that he knew everything in my mind though. That way, I don't have to worry about the complicated signs that I make with my hands and try to simplify it just so that Rui would understand. He never really mastered the sign language. Why did he need to when he knew everything that was going through my mind?
~~~
I dread the way he is looking at me now. I never thought that one day, like today, I would hate so much about his ability to read my mind. I don't want him to know the longing and guilt in my heart. The "longing" that I want to be with him and the "guilt" for using Tsukasa to ease my own pain. I don't want him to think of me as so low to use someone's heart to mend my own feelings. I look away avoiding his eyes.
~~~
Walking around, I try to find a place to hide. I need to hide from the vicious stares and insults of Asai. When have I ever become so weak to let the simple words of criticism of others remain boggling in my mind? I always believe that the insults of others can never pull me down since I know those words are never true. But it is different this time. This must be because some of them are actually are true.
"You are just using him."
"I don't know what he sees in you."
"You will just use him and dump him after you got what you want, won't you?"
Use him? I suppose I am. Even though I hate those bitches who have been tormenting me all day, I still feel I deserved it. I feel like I should get a scold of the cruel things that I have done to Tsukasa - a guy I grew up with and love dearly. He is too good of a friend for me to bare to hurt. If I can have any wish now, it would be to go back in time and to never let those words that Tsukasa said to me come out of his mouth when we were under that tree. If I could, then things wouldn't be as complicated now.
However, the main reason for me to hide is that I can't face Tsukasa. I am too ashamed of myself to do so. I don't know just which minute or second that my true feelings would revealed. Seeing him so caring and loving, I sometimes believe that I could just fall in love with him. I don't want things to get too out of hand though. The longer this drags on, the more painful it will be.
I have wander to a long hallway that I have never came to before. A door in front of me has opened a crack and sun light pour in from that tiny space. It must be an exit leading to the outside. This place is suffocating me with my thoughts of guilt surrounding me. I need to have a breath of fresh air before I drown in my own problems.
I walk closer to the door until I hear familiar voices coming from the outside. I walk slowly toward it to see the people who were having the conversation. I know for certain that one of the voices belongs to Rui. I can pick out his voice in a crowd. His voice is just too precious and special for me to forget.
I freeze as I see the other voice belongs to Shizuka. They were having a conversation. I know I should not eavesdrop but I just want to take another look at Rui.
"Why?" Shizuka asks calmly. A little too calm, just like it is before a storm.
Rui turns his back toward Shizuka. He only does that when there is a question he can't quite answer and it rarely happen. What is troubling the couple?
"If this is what you want, then I will respect your decision," Shizuka says again.
Decision? What decision? What is the big issue here? Am I missing something? I can tell that Shizuka is closed to tears. Why? Should I continue to listen anymore? I don't want to interfere in their relationship. I slowly back away making as little noise as possible. I don't want to be caught red handed when I am listening to others' conversation.
What was that all about? I regret for not staying a little longer to find out the answers. As I ask myself why I didn't stay only a little longer, I bump into someone. I look up and see the face that I have been hiding from - Tsukasa's. I put on a little smile on my face feeling that it is a little forceful, but I don't want him to suspect anything weird if I don't smile. He suddenly holds me in his arms and I naturally wraps mine around him.
"I thought you were gone," he mutters into my ear.
It is moments like this that I would feel like I can fall in love with him. Sometimes he can be really sweet. He is always afraid that I would leave. I don't know why though. Can he possibly be knowing my thoughts and intention? Tsukasa is always worry about my whereabouts. I know he cares, but sometimes it just scares me. It seems that he is obsessed. The more he loves me, the harder it is for me to tell him what I intend to. The fact that I don't want to hurt him by leaving him.
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