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[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 6: I Am Trapped

It has been a month since I started dating Tsukasa. As time passes, things start to change. As I get closer and closer to Tsukasa, I get farther and farther away from Rui. I don't mean it physically, I mean emotionally. What I mean is, Rui and I live in the same house and yet we rarely spend time together like we used to when we were young. What have gone wrong? I woke up early hoping to be able to leave for school together with Rui. He has been leaving really early lately. I always thought that he needs his 15 hours of sleep. I guess he grew out of it now? I don't know. How would I know when we barely talk to each other now. We live in the same house yet we go our separate ways. If I can't be with him, can't I at least spend some time with him? Doesn't he want to see me? Is suddenly my existence bothering him now and he can't bear to see another second of me? I knock on the door to his room. No answers. I slowly turn the knob, open the door, and peek inside through the tiny slit that I have opened. The bed is neatly made. He is not there. I close the door and goes to the kitchen, then dinning room, followed by the living room to search for his presence. He left. Again, I have missed the chance to go to school with him.

My car comes to a halt as it has reached the front gate of Eitoku. My chauffer turns around and says, "We are here." I smile at him as to thank him before opening the door to go through or to live through another day in Eitoku with the constant gossips and chatters about Tsukasa and my relationship. I walk slowly toward the gate almost dragging my feet toward it. I dislike the school. I have my head low, I am still disappointed from coming to school alone when I could have come with Rui. When I look up, I see Tsukasa standing there at the gate with a girl practically melting on him. That girl has red hair. She is probably the cutest girl I have ever seen. She looks more like a doll than a normal girl to me. Her face is too perfect for any word to describe. But this girl's beauty cannot really compare to Shizuka's though. Shizuka's beauty shows elegance, whereas this girl's beauty is of her cuteness. I can see Tsukasa's face fuming with annoyance. Anytime soon he will sure blow up on the girl. I smile to myself as I saw how Tsukasa frown while backing himself away from the determined cute girl. Tsukasa looks cute with the frown. I can hear the cute girl says, "Doumyouji senpai, do you want to have lunch together?"

"No! Get lost! Stay away from me!" I hear Tsukasa yells.

The sight is hilarious. Tsukasa is pushing the girl away as if she has some kinds of germ. If it were the old Tsukasa, he would probably have beaten up the girl by now. Somehow, somewhere in time, he has changed.

I walk up to them and Tsukasa greets me nervously as he attempts to push the red hair girl away from him again. I wave at the girl as to greet her.

"Hi! My name is Sakurako," the girl introduces herself.

This girl has quite the courage to act like this toward Tsukasa, especially in front of his girlfriend, me. I don't think I mind that much of her sticking on to Tsukasa. Tsukasa doesn't like her anyways.

"I can explain this," Tsukasa quickly says after Sakurako finished introducing herself.

I smile at him, indicating that he doesn't have to be so nervous. I am not angry at all.

Another girl comes along peeling the melted Sakurako off of Tsukasa. This girl has short hair.

"Hi. I am Shigeru," the new girl says.

I nod at her. I have met 2 new people from the start of the day already. I guess Eitoku isn't as boring as I thought it would be.

Tsukasa takes my hand and leads me to the campus. I suddenly realize that I am in a relationship again. I have almost forgotten about that fact when I was distracted by the comical event that happened at the school gate. Worries, nervousness, and frustration wash over me again. I can feel my hand starting to sweat in his. Walking side by side, I look up at him. He is much taller than I am. From the side of his face, I can seeing a little curve of smile hanging on his lips. He looks like a child who has just gotten the toy that he has been begging to own for a long time. I haven't seen him this happy for a very long time. He usually wear a frown or just a cool expressionless face around the others. The happier he is, the worse I feel. Why can't I just love him the way he loves me?

~~~

There is a short break from classes. I wander around hoping to get away from Asai and co. My feet have brought me to the emergency exit again. The place where I over heard Rui and Shizuka's conversation. I push open the door and it is a staircase outside. I walk outside and find the rose garden nearby. I lean against the railing to take a good view of the garden. This school is beautiful. After all, people don't pay good money to go to a crappy school.

"Hey." I hear someone says. I am startled. I turn around and see Rui standing behind me. How long has he been standing there? I smile at him. I have been waiting to see him for a long time. Finally, we can spend some time alone just like the good old days. He looks at me with his eyes half closed. He looks like he is going to fall asleep any minute now. He sits down on the stairs and I sit down next to him. I ask him if he comes here often and he says, "Yes. I think this is the most peaceful place on school campus." I give him a nod as in saying, "Oh, I see." We sit back and silence befall on us again, enjoying the autumn breeze. Then I ask again with my hands, "Where is Shizuka?" No answer came from Rui. I look up to see whether he fell asleep or not. His eyes are still open, starring up into the sky. So, he is definitely awake. Did he not see the motions I made with my hands? Just when I was about to do those complicated signs with my hands again, Rui's mouth open preparing to speak. The words didn't come out as soon as his mouth open though. After a second or two, Rui says quietly, "She left." His voice is so soft and quiet that even I, who is sitting next to him, can barely hear it. I look at him with wide eyes. What does he mean by "She left"? I give him a questioning look. He looks down at me. For a second there, I thought the way his eyes look at me changed. It wasn't the passive stare. It was more like a look with over flowing emotions. I am confused by the way he looks at me and even more confused as he kisses me on the forehead before hugging me. I feel really small in his arms. I can feel his warmth enveloping me, protecting me from the autumn coldness. His scent, his touch, his warmth. I am enjoying every bit of it. I wrap my arms around him. This position stayed for only god would knows who long. However, when we departed, it was obvious that it was too short, because I feel disappointed as we pull away. I look at him still quite dumbfounded. His eyes turns back to his passive self and then he says, "It's time for you to go to class." I nod and proceed to my classroom, when all I want to do is stay by his side.

Did he do all those that he did just because he is upset by the fact that Shizuka has left? What went wrong between them? Did anything in the conversation they had has anything to do with Shizuka's departure? Where did she go? Why did Rui do that to me? I try to stop the questions from repeating themselves in my mind over and over again. These questions are starting to give me the worse headache. I can't tune into any of the things that the teacher is saying. I try to take notes of what the teacher is saying, but I soon find myself scribbling "Hanazawa Rui" and "?" all over my notes.

School has finally came to an end. I decided to go to the library to study some more, for nothing educational got into my mind during the classes I had after my meeting with Rui. I need to understand the materials taught in class soon since exams are coming up. Going home to study is not going to help a bit. The sight of seeing Rui at home would most probably distract me even more. It is about 6pm and even the school library is closing. I pack up my things, getting ready to go. With books still being carried in my hands, I walk to my locker to pack my belongings. To my surprise, Tsukasa stand waiting there. I can tell that he is not in a good mood. I walk up to him and motion my hands into asking him what is the matter. He looks at me and his cold eyes makes me uncomfortable. Whatever it is that is troubling him, it is something very serious. I haven't seen him like this for years. The last time I saw him looking like that was the time when I first met him.

"Do you love me?" he asks coldly.

I look at him. To say the truth, I don't know the answer. I have known him for years, of course I love him, but is it the kind of love that he is talking about now? It is quite hard to tell. I like seeing him, playing with him, and sometimes even arguing with him. I like the way he smiles, frowns and cares. I also like his hugs, kisses and presence. Is that love though? I ponder some more on his question. Why is he asking such a question anyways? I look at him with questioning eyes as to why the sudden question. I don't know if he understands or not, for he is not answering. Instead he says something else.

"If you don't love me, then why are you with me?" Tsukasa asks another question.

I know the answer to that. At first it was because I was too depressed by Rui's relationship with Shizuka that I can't stand to be alone. So, when Tsukasa confesses his love for me, I simply accepted it, hoping that his love will cure my broken heart. However, how can I tell him that without hurting his ego or his feelings?

I lower my head, afraid to face him. I don't want him to see through me. If he finds out the truth, not only will our relationship end right this minute, our friendship would probably end with it too. I don't want that. I treasure too much of what we share to throw it all away.

Sometimes I don't even know if I prefer Rui or Tsukasa. As I get to know more of Tsukasa, I find myself attracted to him, but once Rui shows up in front of me, my heart kind of drift to him. I hate myself for being so indecisive. My stupid attitude toward this relationship will only make me regret my action one day.

Tsukasa closes the distance between us. He grips on both my arms and push me against the lockers making all the books that were in my hands to fall to the ground. His sudden roughness is hurting me as I frown in pain. What is he trying to do? I try to wriggle out of his grip but his hands only tightens as I continue to struggle. I know for sure that bruises will appear on my arms if he don't let go now. I glare at him meaning to tell him to back off. His dangerous looking eyes don't seem to twitch a bit by my glare. I know something is really wrong with him now. He usual isn't like that. He looks like he is going to kill me this instance. I can see his violent self has surfaced. Just like times when he bullied kids who merely bumped into him when they were kids. I thought he had learn to contain his anger soon after I met him. I guess I am wrong.

"Can't you just say you love me?" Tsukasa ask coldly. Actually, it sounded more like a demand.

Tsukasa presses his lips on mine hardly. How many bruises am I going to get from him? I try to push him away, but he was too strong for me. His hands then holds on to my wrist, preventing my hands from fighting him. With one hand, he holds on to both my wrists above my head. I try to kick him but his legs presses against mine, making me impossible to move. I feel like I am some kind of live specimen that is being pinned down on a board, just like those specimens we use in Biology lab. Tsukasa's other hand ripped the collar of my blouse, making most of the buttons to fall out of place. I know I am going to lose this fight. Tears slowly well up in my eyes. I never thought Tsukasa can act this way --- to make me scared. His hand moves across my bare skin. I cry silently for Rui to come and save me, like he always does when a bad dream comes to haunt me.

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I tried to scream and cry. I was really scared. I tried to scream as loud as I could, but not a single sound left my mouth. I pulled and pushed frantically at Mama and Papa but there was no response. There was only silence. No matter how much I begged them to answer me they just won't do as I asked. Droplets of blood made it way down Papa tensed face. I wiped away the blood, but no matter how hard I tried, the bleed wouldn't stop, just like the tears that was flowing from my eyes. All of a sudden everything went dark. I looked around, there was only darkness. I crawled around searching for anything that might be in front of me. There was nothing. Papa was not beside me anymore, nor was Mama or Susumu.

I blinked my eyes and opened them as wide as possible. It was just a dream. A dream of the death of my family. It was a dream that had followed me to everywhere I go. Even followed me to the Hanazawa resident. Beads of sweats accompanied by fear rolled down my chubby cheek. I wiped them away, re-assuring myself that it was just a dream. It was the past and it won't happen again. "I have a new family, and they are not going to leave me," I told myself. However, no matter what I told myself, I still couldn't get the thoughts of my past family off of my mind.

I tiptoed to Rui's room. I quietly opened the door, not wanting to wake Rui, who would be sleeping by now. The door creaked a little and I cursed it for making such noise. Rui sits up on his bed. He knew it was me. He reach out his hand as if inviting me to come in. I walked over to his bed and take his hand. He slightly pull me up on his bed. I go under the covers and find myself a comfortable spot next to him. He knew I had another bad dream again. He brushed my hair from face as his lay down. He put one arm over me protectively as he whispers, "Everything is OK now." in to my ears. Just his presence could chase away the nightmares, fear, and tears away. Sometimes I even thought that he could chase away monsters and any evil beings. Next to him, I would soon fall asleep without having another nightmares to haunt me. I seeked peace and comfort in Rui's presence.

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I cry silently for Rui to come again. I want him to take me away from this horrible situation like he did many times when I had nightmares. Rui is not coming, I know. He doesn't know scared I am right now.

I taste the iron of blood in my mouth. My lip is bleed from the rough kiss. I can feel one of Tsukasa's hand going up my skirt and up my thigh. I know we are in a relationship, but I am not ready for that. At least not when I want to tell him that we should be friends again. I want to scream, but no sound came out of me. I want to tell Tsukasa to stop.

"Nnn....ooo....nooo......" a crooked quiet wail came out of me.

I continue to sob and amazingly, this time, sounds do come out of my throat when I cry. "No......" I said again a little louder.

Tsukasa has stopped what he was doing. He looks at me and then looks at himself.

"What have I done?" Tsukasa says remorsefully. It seems more like he is speaking to himself. I don't care what he is saying though. As long as he has stopped what he was doing, I am happy. He backs himself away from me as I kneel on the floor crying as loud as I could. After some time later, Tsukasa kneel before me and gently place his hand on my head. I jump a little at his touch and he looks even more remorse when I did.

"Don't worry. I am not going to hurt you anymore," Tsukasa says slowly. His voice has turned back to its normal self.

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