AUTHOR: A Typical Snarry Fan
Rating: R for Slash (in later scenes) and self-mutilation
Warning: Self-mutilation (cutting) AU, OotP never happened. Set in Harry's 7th year. Sirius is cleared of all charges.
Thanks to: My wonderful beta, Joanna
Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling
Chapter 1: I Can Never Tell
1
I cut again. People say that I am on the brink of suicide. I am not. I cut for pleasure. I want to feel the sensation of my skin tingling, something that he can never give me. I again slide the shiny steal blade across my wrist. Never too deep, just deep enough to leave little scars; they are my trophies; my battle scars.
I battle with myself every day. I need to tell him. I can't. I need him, but he can never know. I need my godfather, my Sirius. I know that he will be disgusted with me, I know I am.
I hear someone entering the dorm. I put a concealing charm over my beauties. As I take off the wards around my bed, (I don't want anyone walking in on me) I peek out through a hole in my curtains around my four- poster. I see him.
Sirius.
"Sirius, what are you doing here?" I croak out.
"Harry, you weren't at dinner. Albus sent me up here to check on you."
Shit, this is the third time I've missed dinner.
"I-I wasn't hungry." I know that I sound like a fool.
"Harry, come here." He opens his arms and I crawl into his loving embrace.
"Harry, something is bothering you, please, you know that you can tell me."
`Sirius, it-it's nothing." Sirius can tell I'm lying.
He looks into my jaded green eyes. "Harry, please, just tell me. I can feel it in you."
My chin rests on his shoulder. I smell his beautiful long, silky, black hair.
"Sirius," I whisper, "Sirius, you don't want to know."
"Yes I do."
I hang my head in shame.
He lifts my chin to meet his soft blue eyes. "You can tell me anything."
"I-I am. gay." I decide to say that first.
He hugs me tighter. " Is that what you're worrying about? Well, don't. Many people are."
I know that attempted suicide is wrong and I can get expelled for it. I will never tell.
"Thanks Sirius."
"Don't worry, it's nothing. Now, I want you to start coming to dinner; you're skin and bones!"
I smile despite of myself.
I crawl under the sheets.
"Good-night, Sirius." He smiles and gets off his knees.
"And the same to you, too. Harry, remember, I still love you. I don't care if you like boys or girls; it's your life."
"'Love you too." I love him too much. I can never tell.
I am in the same place before he came, cutting myself. Cutting for him.
2: My Saviour
I must stop. I can no longer feel. People will notice my sober state. I think that even Snape is getting weary of my actions. No longer standing up for my friends, no longer fighting with him. I sit at the back of the room; no one will bother me. No one ever does.
"Potter! You stupid fool, you stirred this too fast! Did you really want to blow up my classroom?" His ugly face is even more ugly when he yells.
"Sure, whatever, Professor." I mutter tiredly. I honestly do not care if my `image' is destroyed. It doesn't make a difference to me.
"Mr. Potter stay behind. The rest of you can leave." God, I know that Snape told Sirius something. Hermione and Ron give me worried looks.
Snape runs out of the classroom. Minutes ran by and Sirius comes in. Snape and Sirius return glances. Snape nods and steps out. Odd.
"Now Harry," He says after everyone has gone. "Harry, Snape told me something. He says you aren't acting your self and it surprises him. Please Harry, I told you that it doesn't matter." He is pleading with me. I have to show my saviour, my soul, and my godfather.
I soundlessly lift up my sleeve. I cringe when I hear him choke back a sob.
"Harry, please, why?" I hate to disappoint him. God, I know he hates me . "I-I can't-I -" I can't tell him; the words won't leave my lips.
"Harry, it's Ok, just tell me. I am not mad. I want to help." I know that he is close to crying.
He sighs after I don't respond. "Harry, would you like if I find your soul mate? He or she can help you. They will understand you."
What if I don't like him/her? I nod. I am lonely.
"Come here." He opens his arms like the night before. I feel so safe and warm.
`Harry, please, I can't leave you."
Minutes have passed.
"Harry, let's go to the Headmaster. He'll know what to do."
I panic. "Please, don't tell him!" This is the first thing I've said to him since last night.
"I won't. I'll just tell him that you want to find your soul mate, OK?" He says.
I nod.
"Good. Let's go." "Now, young Harry, is it true that you want to find your soul mate?"
I nod. I want to find my mate.
I close my eyes, wanting to disappear. I hear him mutter words in a language I don't understand. I (A) gold and silver light engulfs me.
I hear two gasps of surprise. I still have my eyes closed tight.
I open them one at a time.
"H-Harry, the spell must have, um, not worked," the Headmaster stutters.
"What? Who is my soul mate?" I demand. I know they are keeping something from me.
Sirius speaks up: "Harry, the spell chose me. It must be wrong; I can not be your soul mate."
Somehow, my feelings are hurt. It hurts more than cutting.
"What? You don't want me?" I try to sound angry, but I know that he can tell I'm hurt.
"Harry, it's just wrong. I'm your godfather, your teacher. This would never work."
I hang my head.
"Wait!" the Headmaster yells. "Wait, Sirius, this spell is correct. I can tell that you belong together. Who would just come up and ask Harry if he wanted a soul-searching spell? His soul mate. Sirius, you subconsciously hooked the two of you together."
He looks at me for the first time. "Harry, please forgive me; I wanted you to have a better mate that me."
"Sirius," I whisper. "Sirius, you are perfect."
He smiles. "Albus, what about student-teacher rules?"
My stomach flips. I forgot about them.
"Not to worry, son. If the student is above the age of 17 and/or they are soul mates, the law does not apply to them. Now, I will have another room added to yours. Harry, you will tell Miss Granger and Mister Weasley that you are staying with Sirius. You are not to tell them that you are soul mates."
I smile. My saviour saved me yet again. Maybe I'll stop cutting.
Maybe.
TBC. -------------------------------------------------------------
Rating: R for Slash (in later scenes) and self-mutilation
Warning: Self-mutilation (cutting) AU, OotP never happened. Set in Harry's 7th year. Sirius is cleared of all charges.
Thanks to: My wonderful beta, Joanna
Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling
Chapter 1: I Can Never Tell
1
I cut again. People say that I am on the brink of suicide. I am not. I cut for pleasure. I want to feel the sensation of my skin tingling, something that he can never give me. I again slide the shiny steal blade across my wrist. Never too deep, just deep enough to leave little scars; they are my trophies; my battle scars.
I battle with myself every day. I need to tell him. I can't. I need him, but he can never know. I need my godfather, my Sirius. I know that he will be disgusted with me, I know I am.
I hear someone entering the dorm. I put a concealing charm over my beauties. As I take off the wards around my bed, (I don't want anyone walking in on me) I peek out through a hole in my curtains around my four- poster. I see him.
Sirius.
"Sirius, what are you doing here?" I croak out.
"Harry, you weren't at dinner. Albus sent me up here to check on you."
Shit, this is the third time I've missed dinner.
"I-I wasn't hungry." I know that I sound like a fool.
"Harry, come here." He opens his arms and I crawl into his loving embrace.
"Harry, something is bothering you, please, you know that you can tell me."
`Sirius, it-it's nothing." Sirius can tell I'm lying.
He looks into my jaded green eyes. "Harry, please, just tell me. I can feel it in you."
My chin rests on his shoulder. I smell his beautiful long, silky, black hair.
"Sirius," I whisper, "Sirius, you don't want to know."
"Yes I do."
I hang my head in shame.
He lifts my chin to meet his soft blue eyes. "You can tell me anything."
"I-I am. gay." I decide to say that first.
He hugs me tighter. " Is that what you're worrying about? Well, don't. Many people are."
I know that attempted suicide is wrong and I can get expelled for it. I will never tell.
"Thanks Sirius."
"Don't worry, it's nothing. Now, I want you to start coming to dinner; you're skin and bones!"
I smile despite of myself.
I crawl under the sheets.
"Good-night, Sirius." He smiles and gets off his knees.
"And the same to you, too. Harry, remember, I still love you. I don't care if you like boys or girls; it's your life."
"'Love you too." I love him too much. I can never tell.
I am in the same place before he came, cutting myself. Cutting for him.
2: My Saviour
I must stop. I can no longer feel. People will notice my sober state. I think that even Snape is getting weary of my actions. No longer standing up for my friends, no longer fighting with him. I sit at the back of the room; no one will bother me. No one ever does.
"Potter! You stupid fool, you stirred this too fast! Did you really want to blow up my classroom?" His ugly face is even more ugly when he yells.
"Sure, whatever, Professor." I mutter tiredly. I honestly do not care if my `image' is destroyed. It doesn't make a difference to me.
"Mr. Potter stay behind. The rest of you can leave." God, I know that Snape told Sirius something. Hermione and Ron give me worried looks.
Snape runs out of the classroom. Minutes ran by and Sirius comes in. Snape and Sirius return glances. Snape nods and steps out. Odd.
"Now Harry," He says after everyone has gone. "Harry, Snape told me something. He says you aren't acting your self and it surprises him. Please Harry, I told you that it doesn't matter." He is pleading with me. I have to show my saviour, my soul, and my godfather.
I soundlessly lift up my sleeve. I cringe when I hear him choke back a sob.
"Harry, please, why?" I hate to disappoint him. God, I know he hates me . "I-I can't-I -" I can't tell him; the words won't leave my lips.
"Harry, it's Ok, just tell me. I am not mad. I want to help." I know that he is close to crying.
He sighs after I don't respond. "Harry, would you like if I find your soul mate? He or she can help you. They will understand you."
What if I don't like him/her? I nod. I am lonely.
"Come here." He opens his arms like the night before. I feel so safe and warm.
`Harry, please, I can't leave you."
Minutes have passed.
"Harry, let's go to the Headmaster. He'll know what to do."
I panic. "Please, don't tell him!" This is the first thing I've said to him since last night.
"I won't. I'll just tell him that you want to find your soul mate, OK?" He says.
I nod.
"Good. Let's go." "Now, young Harry, is it true that you want to find your soul mate?"
I nod. I want to find my mate.
I close my eyes, wanting to disappear. I hear him mutter words in a language I don't understand. I (A) gold and silver light engulfs me.
I hear two gasps of surprise. I still have my eyes closed tight.
I open them one at a time.
"H-Harry, the spell must have, um, not worked," the Headmaster stutters.
"What? Who is my soul mate?" I demand. I know they are keeping something from me.
Sirius speaks up: "Harry, the spell chose me. It must be wrong; I can not be your soul mate."
Somehow, my feelings are hurt. It hurts more than cutting.
"What? You don't want me?" I try to sound angry, but I know that he can tell I'm hurt.
"Harry, it's just wrong. I'm your godfather, your teacher. This would never work."
I hang my head.
"Wait!" the Headmaster yells. "Wait, Sirius, this spell is correct. I can tell that you belong together. Who would just come up and ask Harry if he wanted a soul-searching spell? His soul mate. Sirius, you subconsciously hooked the two of you together."
He looks at me for the first time. "Harry, please forgive me; I wanted you to have a better mate that me."
"Sirius," I whisper. "Sirius, you are perfect."
He smiles. "Albus, what about student-teacher rules?"
My stomach flips. I forgot about them.
"Not to worry, son. If the student is above the age of 17 and/or they are soul mates, the law does not apply to them. Now, I will have another room added to yours. Harry, you will tell Miss Granger and Mister Weasley that you are staying with Sirius. You are not to tell them that you are soul mates."
I smile. My saviour saved me yet again. Maybe I'll stop cutting.
Maybe.
TBC. -------------------------------------------------------------