[Chi's Work]

Unspoken Words

Chapter 8: I Am Being Loved?

I sit on the chair with my mouth wide open. The doctor looks into my throat with the flash light. The wooden popsicle stick that he is digging in my throat is making me feel like barfing. Mom, Dad and Rui are behind me waiting patiently for the doctor to finish examining me. After a few more tests and examinations, the doctor announces to my family that my voice is healed. The thrilled on their face is extremely hard to describe. Mom eyes are becoming very watery. She is on the edge of crying. Dad is not saying anything other than looking at me in the most content way. Rui smiles. A smile that is so rarely seen. All this can sum up to one thing. They are all happy. They are joyous that I can speak again. I think this is the moment that not only I, but my whole family has been waiting for.

I don't know what I should feel though. I never thought that this day would come. Should I feel happy? Being to speak or not isn't that big of a deal to me now, not when my mind is too preoccupied with what Tsukasa did. Why did he do that? He has never been so aggressive to me. What triggered him into doing it? I didn't give him a chance to apologize or explain. I have made up many excuses or reasons for Tsukasa's recent lack of self control. I thought maybe he was just joking around trying to scare me? But that can't be. If he was just trying to scare me, he wouldn't have actually hurt me, leaving all those bruises on me. Then I thought would it be because he was just being a guy and having urges? Urges in the middle of the day and in the middle of the hallway all of a sudden? Is that possible? Tsukasa has always been quite normal. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would suddenly have the urge to have sex. If he is such a sex maniac, there are always plenty of girls that are more than eager to volunteer. So, what is wrong? The way he talked and looked at me, almost seems like he was angry at me. What did I do?

Rui snaps his fingers in front of me and I realize that I was lost in my thoughts again. I look around and the doctors nods at me.

"You can go home now. If anything should happen, you an come back to find me," the doctor says before leading all of us out the door of his office.

I walk between Mom and Dad while they are talking about how to celebrate the wonderful event of my regained voice. Rui taps my shoulder from behind. I turn around to look at him, his eyes showing concern. I slow down my pace to let Mom and Dad walk ahead of me while I walk with Rui behind them.

Looking at Rui, I signal a "What?" with my hands. Rui looks at me and smile, his previous worried face is now covered with the warm smile that he is giving me.

"You should start to learn to speak with your mouth now," Rui comments.

Instead of speaking, I use my hands again and gesture, "I am lazy to speak. My throat is still tired from cry..." I didn't finish saying the sentence that I wanted to. I don't want to remind Rui of the incident. We have briefly went through what happened after I closed the door in front of Tsukasa. I told Rui that nothing too damaging happened. That is all I said. He seems to know that I don't want to go any further into the topic. So, he didn't push it, since I have already him the critical point that no true damage is done.

~~~

"Get away from me!" I scream. Something or someone is forcing itself on me. I open my eyes wide to take a good look at the face. It turns out to be Tsukasa. Tsukasa lifts his fist and hit it just inches away from my face. I look at the threatening fist that might has the next target as me. The wooden door that Tsukasa just hit now has a crack on it with blood oozing out of the cut he got from the chipped wood.

"It's your fault!" Tsukasa bellows. He lift his fist and hit again, this time aiming at me.

I open my eyes as wide as possible. I am sitting on my bed with beads of sweat making it's way down my forehead. I look around. It is dark. I feel a little more relieve knowing that I am safe in my room, away from the reach of Tsukasa. Just when I am relaxed, I feel myself falling through my bed. I try to grab onto the sheets that is on my bed but everything just goes through my hand. Soon I land on some hard surface. I look around here and there, I see my birth parents lying lifelessly around me again.

"Papa! Look at me. I can speak again," I say to Papa as I gently push the lifeless body. There is no reply. Blood is slowing flooding from his body. I shriek in horror. I look at my hands. They are covered with the blood of Papa. I cry.

I sit up straight on my bed. I open my eyes. This time I have truly opened them. Looking around, I am in my room. I look at the clock, it is 3am. I slide my hand across the surface of my bed, making sure that this is a solid bed. I tell myself that it was just a dream. I sit on the bed, not willing to lay down again. I am afraid that I will fall through the bed again, and who knows what horrible situation I will land in this time. I sit trembling on my bed. Go away. Go away. I curse silently to the nightmares that I am having. Something taps the glass of the window and I quickly jump out of bed, ready to run for my life. I look at the window and see that it is only the branches on the tree that is scratching the window. I stand looking at my bed. Somehow, I don't want to get on it anymore. It seems evil. Evil that will lure me into those unpleasant dreams again. I tiptoe out my room and walk the inviting path to Rui's room. At the foot of his door, I stop and hesitate to proceed any further. For god sake, I am already 16 turning 17 soon. I don't want to look stupid to be scared by some dreams that my mind makes up. I look back at the hallway that leads to my room. It is dark and creepy. Without a second thought, I quickly but quietly turn the door knob to Rui's room. There is a small "click" as I open the door. I peek inside with the tiny slit that I have opened. Rui is already sitting up on his bed with his hand stretching toward me. I smile. This is just like old times. I walk in quietly and climb on his bed and lay down next to him. It is just as warm as always. He lay down next to me and look at me as I look at him as we lay on our sides.

"Having a bad dream again?" Rui asks in the most gentle and quiet voice that can just melt any girls heart. Apparently, I think I am one of those girls now.

I ignore his question. I don't want to admit it and be embarrassed by seeming what a whimp I am. He smiles teasingly at me. He knows the answer without me telling him. Pouting a little, I turn my back toward him. No one speaks again. The peaceful silent is making the path for me to slip into slumber. I am so sleepy to a point that I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I am glad that happens because there is still school tomorrow and I really do need to get some sleep.

"Tsukushi," Rui whispers.

I hear Rui calling my name, but I don't bother to answer him. I don't have the energy. Whatever he wants to say, he can say it tomorrow. After a few seconds, I feel someone's arm reach across my waist. It is Rui, I know. I am a little awaken by this, but lay still. Rui pull me a little closer towards him as he shift his body closer to mine, his head less than an inch from mine. I can hear his breathing. I keep my eyes shut. I don't want to let Rui know that I am still awake. I don't want him to pull away. I feel a drop of coldness down my cheek. Soon another drop roll down my face. They are not my tears. They are Rui's. Why is he crying? What is troubling him? Oh yes, it must be Shizuka. I haven't seen Shizuka for the longest time now. Did she leave Rui? Why would she do such a thing when Rui loves her so much? My heart ache for Rui. I don't want to see him sad.

"I thought she was enough to fill the emptiness in me," Rui whisper so quietly that I can barely make out the words. Who is "she"? I lay still, hoping Rui will continue with his speech.

"I thought I love her," Rui continues, "It was all wrong. Wrong."

"I thought someday I will forget you. You are my sister after all."

Sister? Me? Is Rui talking about me. I want to sit up right now and shake a decent answer from Rui at the moment, but I know I can't. If I do, it will just make him shut himself up again, like he always does in front of others. It is not very often that I get to hear the deep down feelings of Rui and I am not going to miss my chance now.

"I know I hurt Shizuka, but I don't want to lie to myself anymore. All I ever want to care about is you."

Me? Hurt Shizuka? So Shizuka didn't leave Rui? Rui left Shizuka? Shizuka is such a nice girl, perfect in every way. She doesn't deserve this. I feel sorry for her. I know that Shizuka loves Rui.

"Seeing you with Tsukasa just add to the pain that I have when I have to face Shizuka lying to myself and to her that I do love her when the only person that I ever want to love is you."

I can feel the burning sensation in my eyes as tears slowly fight its way. I hold my breath, not wanting to show any sign that I am awake.

"I want to hear from you that you share the same feeling toward me as I do to you."

"I just want to hear from you saying, 'I love you' to me."

I lay still, not knowing what to think, say, or act.