[Chi's Work]
Unspoken Words
Chapter 9: Friends
It has been a long night. I know neither of us had any sleep. The sun slowly light up the sky claiming it to be dawn. All through the night when I lay next to him, I want to turn around and hug him as closely to me as possible. I want to say or yell a hundred times "I love you" to him. Maybe not 100 times, a million times to be exact. I want to tell him how I feel. I want to kiss him till we run out of breath. I want him know that the love that he is giving me has always been returned ever since the day I met him. I want to tell him that I don't want to be his sister. I want to tell him that what we are will not and can not stop us from loving each other. I want to tell him that our brother and sister relationship is only some meaningless name that the adults give us. There are so many things that I want to do and tell him. Nothing can stop us from being with each other. However, that is not true, I know. If it is true, then I would have done all those things that I want to do during the night - telling him how I am helplessly and pathetically in love with him. Reality always stand in my way somehow. There is Tsukasa. Am I betraying him at the moment? Are we still in a relationship? I can't help but to hate myself. What a mess I have gotten myself into. Why did I agree to date Tsukasa in the first place? Why did I use him? Did I fall in love with him in the mean time? If I really have fallen in love with him previously, I feel I must have not loved him enough, for now all I want is to be with Rui. I want to stay in this position sleeping next to Rui for the rest of my life not moving an inch. I want to be surrounded by the scent and warmth of Rui. I blink the tears away from my eyes. I shift my head a little to take a look at Rui. Although he has his eyes closed, I doubt that he is sleeping. If he is, he wouldn't have fallen asleep for long because it isn't very long ago that I hear his breathing becomes calm again after pouring his tears out. I close my eyes again and this time, slumber finally comes.
I can't feel the warmth surrounding me anymore. Instead, the morning coldness sends shiver down my back. I squint at the sun light that is shining through the curtain. I look at the clock, it is already 10am. I am definitely late for class. When have Rui left? Whenever that is, it must be quite a while ago, since I can't find any trace of Rui's warmth around me. The spot where Rui is supposed to be is eerily cold.
I eventually decide to get up and head for the afternoon classes. Rui has already left for school. Again, he is not waiting for me to go to school. He is always so mysterious and unpredictable and to think we have gotten closer together since last night. How many times do I have to be wrong? When was the last time I am right anyways?
I sit down at the dinning table as the butler lay out my brunch in front of me. What am I going to do today? Going to school, I am bound to meet one of the F4 today. That is, if they go to school. I wonder if Soujiro and Akira knows about my healed voice. I am quite sure that Rui hasn't tell them, since he has been with me all the while. The only other person who knows about this is Tsukasa. Tsukasa...just hearing his name in my head stiffen my body. How am I going to face him from now on? Things are going to be so awkward. A hand wave in front of me and I recollect my thoughts to reality. I look up and see my butler waving his hand in front of my face. I look at him giving him a "What?" look.
"What would you like to drink today, Miss Tsukushi?" the butler asks.
I hand him an "orange juice" sign. Somehow I don't feel like speaking. I am too used to having express my thoughts and feelings with my hands that it seems weird to speak. I know I am stupid to think this way. I don't know why. Why bother speaking to him anyways? It will probably shock him more than it shock me if I let him hear my voice.
With my fingers crossed, I chant "I will not see Tsukasa today. I will not see Tsukasa today. I will not see Tsukasa today...". I step in the school ground and shut my eyes as I chant one last time "I will not see Tsukasa today." When I open my eyes, I find out that all my chanting went to waste because standing in front of me is Tsukasa. He is the last person I want to see in the world at the moment. Not that I totally hate him. It is just that it is uncomfortable. I don't know what to say. I look at him. The way he is looking at me make me shift my eyes to stare and the ground. The guilty eyes. How am I suppose to think with those eyes starring at me? At this moment, I have a conclusion. I will just pretend that I was bitten by a dog that day. I will pretend everything is OK. I will just think that he was possessed that day and hope that this will not happen again. I will clear the things between him and me. We will be friends again like old time. Then everything will turn back to normal. It will, right?
His hands slowly and hesitantly reaches for mine. What should I do? Should I stay still and let him hold me or move back? I have decided to stay still. I know I have hurt him enough by closing the door to him. Perhaps he has learned his lesson and not to repeat the same mistake again? His hand gently touches mine and I can see a little smile of relief form on his face as he sees that I am letting him talk to me again. However, the second he touches me, I can't help but to jerk a little. This totally wipes out the smile on his face and be replaced by a frown. I didn't mean to do it. It is just that he touched the sore bruised part. As if knowing the reason for my distance, he rolls my long sleeves up a little to examine my injury. Tears well up in his eyes. I look away. I don't want to see his remorseful face. How am I going to have the courage to break his heart if he keeps putting that expression on his face?
"I am sorry. I am sorry..." Tsukasa repeats a several times.
I wriggle in his grasp. I want to escape before my heart soften and let the words I want to say to him be locked up behind my guilt.
"I am sorry. I really didn't mean to. I wasn't myself. I am sorry. Please forgive me," Tsukasa begs. I frown and pray to god to bless me with courage and determination to push Tsukasa away.
"I saw you with Rui at the emergency exit. I was afraid...afraid that I will lose you," Tsukasa's tears fall onto my hand that he is still holding. He did that all just because of that scene of Rui and me? Just because he is jealous, doesn't me he has the right to hurt me. Jealousy can kill people. I am angry again at the thought. As I try to calm my anger, I feel a little droplet of water splash onto my hand that Tsukasa is holding. It is Tsukasa's tear. With each tear splashing on to my hand, more fortitude is washed away.
Tsukusa looks deep into my eyes searching for any forgiveness. I look away. He hugs me. I can't help but to feel uncomfortable. Well, to be honest, how can you ever feel comfortable in the arms of a man who has attempted in raping you? Maybe there are people who would, but that is not me. Hearing him sobs in my hair, my heart soften a little once more. I hate myself. I hate myself for such big heart. It is my weakness, I believe.
He wipes the final tear away from his face and looks at me with his puppy face. Again, he takes my hand a leads me toward my first class. What are we doing? This is not how things suppose to end. At least not how I intended for it to be.
Tsukasa leads me to my next class as we walk through one of the many paths in the garden that is lined with tall trees on each side. The color of the leaves are turning yellow. Winter is approaching. I look up at the man walking next to me. Do I love him? I love him in a sisterly way, but love him as a girlfriend? I doubt it. On his face, I can see a worried look. His grip on me tightens. Perhaps he knows there is just something that he can't hold on to no matter how hard he tries? I don't have the heart to say it, or I just don't know how to put the words together just yet. I let him pull me along as I think of a way to break it to him. I want to think of a less painful way for him. No matter how hard I think, there is just no easy way out. Holding his hand, I feel that it is more like responsibility. Responsibility for soothing his heart when I have made a mistake from the very beginning when I returned Tsukasa's kiss. What I am doing now seems more like "something-I-must-do" instead of "love". With this feeling, I know that there will never be anything sparks between us. At least not now. As for the future, I don't know.
As we stroll through the garden, I see a figure behind a tree. The man is scrutinizing every movement of Tsukasa and I. I focus my eyes on the figure far away and realize that is Rui. I look at Tsukasa's hand that is holding mine at the moment. What will Rui think? Rui takes one last glance before retreating. What have I gotten myself into? I can't drag this on forever.
I stop abruptly with my feet rooted on the ground and tug a little on Tsukasa's hand. He turns around and look at me. He knows what is coming. He look at me with the frown of hurt, regret and longing on his face. I close my eyes and shake away any hesitation before opening them again. I can't express what I want with him starring at me.
"I can't keep up with this anymore," I signal with my hands. Tsukasa stares intently at every movement of my hands, while shaking his head trying to deny what I am telling him.
"If this continues any longer, it will only hurt us more," I explain, still using my hands. I don't want to say these words with my mouth. I don't want the first few meaningful things that I say will be something that will only bring painful memories.
"If you don't love me, why did you kiss me? Why did you make me feel like I am in heaven only to pull me back to hell?" Tsukasa questions me with his hoarse voice. It seems that every words that is coming from him is draining every last drop of his energy. Somehow his questions of "Why I don't love him?" angers me a little.
"You attempted to rape me. Ask me now why I won't love you again," I gesture with my hands. My face have cringed into a frown. The second I finish my sentence, I start regretting. I am trying to break up softly and now all the effort goes to waste. I look at him. He looks pretty much broken.
"Please, I won't do that ever again. I will learn to control my anger, my feelings. Just give us some time. I am sure we can work things out," Tsukasa insists.
"Although the bruises on my arms will heal, the damages are already done and the scar will forever mark its place in my heart," I signal with my hands, and continue, "What is done is done. I don't know how to trust you anymore. Although we can't date each other anymore, I still hope to be friends."
There won't be, or even only a very slim chance if I will, to ever love him dearly as a boyfriend again.
Tsukasa let go of my hands and lowers his head. I know he is crying. I also know he doesn't want me to see his tears. I stand there looking at him. When he finally lifts his head, he forces a smile on his face.
"I screw things up don't I? I guess we were never meant to be. However, I just want to let you know that I will always be waiting for you. You can don't love me, but you can't stop me from loving you. Just let me stay by your side as friend or as whatever you pleased, OK?" Tsukasa pleads.
I nod and Tsukasa hugs me one last time before we walk our separate ways.
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Sorry for the long wait. I lost everything (the chapter that I typed earlier) since my computer broke down. So I had to do it all over again. I think this chapter is quite boring. Nothing much happened. I was going to type the finally ending in this chapter too...but was too lazy....so, this will be the second last chapter and the next chapter will really be the ending...I think next chapter will be a really short one. Next chapter may only about a few hundred words. Anyways, I hope you all will keep on support me by reading and reviewing!!!! Please, leave me your insights...heehee.