Ok guys here's how it's going to go down.. This is a one-shot song-fic about Ashley and her feelings about her past mistakes (i.e. mostly hinting at the episode involving drugs and the episode where Mr. Kerwin reveals his sexuality secret, I haven't the slightest clue what it is called). GRAPHIC ENDING
Disclaimer: "Perfect" No Helmets, No Pads...Just Balls by Simple Plan
Perfect
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
I sunk down deeper into my blankets on my bed. I swallowed the spit that had risen in my throat. Suddenly I started to cuss wildly and violently in my thoughts. Why do you have to do this again, Ashley? I thought to myself.
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
I always do this. Send myself on my own guilt trip. I don't need this, deserve it, have to go through it. I didn't do anything to hurt anyone else, right? I mean, it was just a few drugs, piercings, lipstick, and abandoning my Dad, right?
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
But then it all kicks in. More than a few drugs, paying for peircings with stolen money, black lipstick, abandoning my dad because he was gay, the most incredibly ignorant reason in the universe. Sometimes i just can't believe myself.
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
But then i fight back. It's my life, they can't change who I am, who I'll be, who I want to become. Because I am me. But oh, if you could have seen the looks on their faces.
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
My parents' face the night i came home stoned. Craig's face when i told him a year later about it.
I can't be perfect
My parents' face when I was in court for the stolen money. Their faces when i showed them my ears and lip and tongue.
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
My face when i realized how badly awesome the lipstick was, and began to cake it on every day.
I can't be perfect
No words yet created in the dictionary of the human mind can describe my father's face when i made that awful decision that changed my life even more.
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
Thinking about Craig always gives me chills. The way he used to love me, when i was his everything. Now I'm everything that he despises. Despite my constant attempts to force myself to believe that it's his loss and i didn't do anything to deserve this, that night when he caught me in the woods with Jimmy last month.
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
But no matter how guilty I'll ever feel in the future, there will still be that black, impassable wall between us.
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I rolled over, and the tears came. Puddles of black water from my eyes accumulated on my sheets and anything around me that i could wrap my fingers around flew across the room. I yelled a wail of true pain. I am sorry. I really am. And no one will ever know if I can prevent it.
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Too much to handle. Can't go any longer. Miles of shit piled in front of my eyes, making it impossible to see into the real world anymore. I will never bee good enough for anyone to have or desire. Something has to give.
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I swung my legs out of bed and ran across the hall to the bathroom. Toby at JT's. Mom at Mrs. Nash's for a Tupperware party. Just Ashley Kerwin.
I can't be perfect
The slamming of the door made me jump and i realized how nervous i was. But i wasn't about to let that stop me. It had to be done.
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
No turning back now. Forward to what lies ahead. I reached out slowly to pull back the shower curtain. I noticed the trembling of my hand. Angered at my insecurity i yanked it open in a fury of rage with a scream. Definitely no turning back now.
I can't be perfect
And there it was. My perfect friend. Sitting so silently and calm on the shower shelf. I gulped down air, gasping for breath. I leaned the palm of my right hand against the stall to steady myself as the dizziness set in and swept over me like a summer breeze.
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
The pain of others' words relived their harshness in my mind, making my body hungrier for refuge. I reached out, slipping my fingers over my silent killer. My throat was dry. I had to keep going, cant give myself time to think.
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
I kicked the wall and with a cry of fear, joy, anger, pain, stress, and scorn, i jerked my arm quickly with force across my wrist, the silver tri-blade razor leaving 3 long, thin lines of bright red blood on my skin. My eyes rolled back in my head as the blackness seeped through my pores and out through my eye sockets.
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
My head hit the floor with a sickening thump.
I can't be perfect
My eyes closed.
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
The dark red blood poured from my wrist, filling the cracks in the tiled bathroom floor, running left and right. I heard one last voice in my head.
I can't be perfect
"Ashley," Ellie's soft voice cried with a horrified tone in my mind.
I can't be perfect
"Don't leave me, Ellie," I muttered lifelessly, fingers relaxing, eyebrows returning to their normal lines, lips receding back to a slight open position. Lifeless.
I can't be perfect
*~*
Ok, reviews please! Lol, byes for now!
.:Nicole:.