Chapter Three: My All
I lay here and all I think of is her. I am in my room, thinking oh her lying by me. My arms around her tightly. Her soft body pressed against me. I wonder if she is feeling the same about me. If she is wanting my arms around her just like I want mine around her.
Early today it was so hard for me to watch her talking and laughing with other people when all she can ask me is if I want my usual and how I am doing. I lie to her and then she goes on her way. I want to believe she was lying to me but I cannot tell.
~*~ I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side ~*~
*~* I can feel myself grow cold. I want to think it is because A.J. is gone but I know, I was cold when he was here, when he had his arms around me. I'm cold because I do not have Jason. I know that is what it is but I just don't want to believe it. I want to deny it.
I love him, I know that but love is only a emotion right, just like anger, sadness, and disappointment but you can get over all those so why can't I get over my love for him. Why can't I stop day dreaming about him, why can't I stop thinking of him, dreaming of him. Why can't I love my husband like I love him.
~*~ I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight ~*~
*~*
I feel a cold draft hit me. I look around and I see all my windows are closed but I am still cold. I know why. I know if I had Courtney, I would be warm. I look over at the nightstand and see the red numbers flash. It is 2:30 AM and I am still up. Why can't I fucking sleep. I feel anger now. At myself, at her, at my stupid heart for making me feel like this. I sit up and lean against the headboard. The sheet dropping to my waist.
Is she sitting up like me suffering, not being able to her him out of her head. No, she is making love with A.J. probably. 'Well what's wrong with that Jason?' I hear the back of my head say. I hate that little annoying voice. It is always right. There is nothing wrong with it. Their married so I shouldn't care, but damn do i.
~*~ Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight ~*~
*~*
I sit up, picking up my book of the nightstand. AS I do, I see the time flashing on the clock. It is 2:31 AM and I have to be up early. If he would just get out of my damn head. I am sure he is wrapped up in little Elizabeth arms. All warm and snugly. Safe and content. While I am here cold and sad. I hate him sometimes then love him all the while. The heart is a stupid thing. It can feel more then one emotion at a time.
I stand and move to the windows. I can see his apartment building from the distance. I can even see the light shining from it. So he was up. Was he thinking over her? She wanted to believe the answer was yes but she would not let he hopes get up. It could be Elizabeth standing at it. She felt her heart start to crumble at that thought
~*~ I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight ~*~
*~*
I see her light go on in her apartment. I want to her to be standing there, looking over here. But I am sure it's not her. It could be one of them helping Rosie or A.J. could be getting ready for work. But for now as he rested his shoulder against the frame he would think, it was her standing there. Looking over here. Watching him, wanting him. For now he would be pretend and be happy.
~*~ I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
(I'd) give my all for your love tonight ~*~
A/N: Short but it was just a filler. I hoped you like it.
I lay here and all I think of is her. I am in my room, thinking oh her lying by me. My arms around her tightly. Her soft body pressed against me. I wonder if she is feeling the same about me. If she is wanting my arms around her just like I want mine around her.
Early today it was so hard for me to watch her talking and laughing with other people when all she can ask me is if I want my usual and how I am doing. I lie to her and then she goes on her way. I want to believe she was lying to me but I cannot tell.
~*~ I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side ~*~
*~* I can feel myself grow cold. I want to think it is because A.J. is gone but I know, I was cold when he was here, when he had his arms around me. I'm cold because I do not have Jason. I know that is what it is but I just don't want to believe it. I want to deny it.
I love him, I know that but love is only a emotion right, just like anger, sadness, and disappointment but you can get over all those so why can't I get over my love for him. Why can't I stop day dreaming about him, why can't I stop thinking of him, dreaming of him. Why can't I love my husband like I love him.
~*~ I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight ~*~
*~*
I feel a cold draft hit me. I look around and I see all my windows are closed but I am still cold. I know why. I know if I had Courtney, I would be warm. I look over at the nightstand and see the red numbers flash. It is 2:30 AM and I am still up. Why can't I fucking sleep. I feel anger now. At myself, at her, at my stupid heart for making me feel like this. I sit up and lean against the headboard. The sheet dropping to my waist.
Is she sitting up like me suffering, not being able to her him out of her head. No, she is making love with A.J. probably. 'Well what's wrong with that Jason?' I hear the back of my head say. I hate that little annoying voice. It is always right. There is nothing wrong with it. Their married so I shouldn't care, but damn do i.
~*~ Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight ~*~
*~*
I sit up, picking up my book of the nightstand. AS I do, I see the time flashing on the clock. It is 2:31 AM and I have to be up early. If he would just get out of my damn head. I am sure he is wrapped up in little Elizabeth arms. All warm and snugly. Safe and content. While I am here cold and sad. I hate him sometimes then love him all the while. The heart is a stupid thing. It can feel more then one emotion at a time.
I stand and move to the windows. I can see his apartment building from the distance. I can even see the light shining from it. So he was up. Was he thinking over her? She wanted to believe the answer was yes but she would not let he hopes get up. It could be Elizabeth standing at it. She felt her heart start to crumble at that thought
~*~ I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight ~*~
*~*
I see her light go on in her apartment. I want to her to be standing there, looking over here. But I am sure it's not her. It could be one of them helping Rosie or A.J. could be getting ready for work. But for now as he rested his shoulder against the frame he would think, it was her standing there. Looking over here. Watching him, wanting him. For now he would be pretend and be happy.
~*~ I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
(I'd) give my all for your love tonight ~*~
A/N: Short but it was just a filler. I hoped you like it.