Chapter Four: Reason For Breathing
I always walk the pier every morning. I love it. So quite. So peaceful. Today I am thinking of her, just like every other day. Her laugh pops into my head. I want to hear her to be laughing at me, laughing at my jokes, although they are few and far between. I want to hear her to laugh when we have a tickle war. I want to hear her to laugh when we have a pillow fight. I want to hear her laugh when we are curled on the couch watching a sitcom. I want to hear her laugh when we are at the movies. I just what to hear her when she's with me laughing.
While I am day dreaming I run into a short body and I look down. I see Penny. I know she is the best friend of Courtney. Maybe she could give me a idea how you are doing. "Hey Penny," I say to her. She smiles at me, which I am sure has done over thousands of men but on me I feel nothing.
"Hey Jason, how are you," she asks me.
"I am great, you?" I ask her. It's hard for me not to jump and ask how you are. Are you missing me, do you even talk about me?
~*~ If I cried like a baby would you change your mind?
If I told you I'm crazy would you come running back to me?
The harder I try to break away, the more I get lost in yesterday
The man that you know is just a shell, living without your life is hell
I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away
Another night and I'm missing you
Girl, it's killing me, well ~*~
*~*
I see Penny and Jason talking, I wonder what it's about. I feel a pang of jealously and she is my best friend. What in the fuck is wrong with me. I want to run down there and go talk to him. I am going to the cellar tonight. I heard that Jason is going to be there. What does that mean? He probably will bring Elizabitch with him so she'll have his claws in him.
It's not fair. She does not deserve him. 'Well you don't either Courtney, at least she can admit her feeling to him,' my voice says in the back of head. Its right, it's always right. Elizabit...Elizabeth is lucky she is not a coward.
~*~ I don't wanna go clubbing, I got no one to dance with me
I don't wanna go shopping, I got no one to spend my money on
Spending my time with one glass of wine
Playing solitaire just to ease my mind
Poured one for you, but I drank that too
Anything to kill the pain of losing you
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
So Courtney doesn't talk to Penny about me. It hurts a bit. I want her to talk about me. God what in the fuck is wrong with me. Get over it Jason. Get over her. I walk home. As I open the door I see Elizabeth sitting on my couch. She is getting on my nerves anymore. So obsessive, she has to know wherever I go, when I go, how I go, when I'll be back, and who i was with. It's like I am living with my parents again. At least i think it is. Knowing the Quatermaines they probably was as strict. I am getting so fucking tired of her. Maybe I should just give her up, leave, and go somewhere where no one knows me. Just get the fuck away from her and Courtney. Make them a far away memory.
~*~ I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away
Another night and I'm missing you
Girl, it's killing me
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I start getting dress and I see myself wondering what Jason likes, would he like this on me. What in the fuck is wrong with me? Do I get like this when I am trying to get ready for a date with A.J.; no I am not. Hell sometimes I don't even care. But here I am, trying to look my best. I need to stop and look around. Would he care? Will he care? No he won't his eyes will be on her. Miss perfect. Miss Elizabeth. I hate her but I have no right too. I have no right to hate someone when she just is braver then me.
I go to my closet and look around. Well there is the blue sun dress, the red spaghetti strap dress, the tight green halter top dress, a black off the shoulder dress and the tight yellow tub top dress. I close my eye and pick, why worry what he thinks. It doesn't mater what he thinks. He won't care.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
"Elizabeth what in the fuck are you doing here," I ask her. I run a weary hand down my face.
"Where were you," she stands up and puts her hands on her hips. She never trusted me. I mean sure the one time we made love I called out Courtney, is that so bad. Is that wrong that I love the woman so much that I want to make love to her. That when I made love to Elizabeth I saw her. Which is impossible. I mean where I used to think Liz was beautiful I now see he as a anorexic bitch.
"I was out Liz, now will you please leave have to get to Carly club," oh god why in the hell did I mention that. Now she will want to go and there is no way in hell I am bringing her. Carly would kill me. She hates Liz more then Emily, well ever since she found out Liz slept with Zander. Hell I can't eve believe I took her back after she slept with him.
"Are you taking me," I go and sit on the couch.
"No, you know Carly will get mad," she looks like she is about to say something but I hold my hand up. She gives me a huff and walks out of the door. Slamming it. Goddamn she gives me a fucking headache.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I get dress and look at myself in the mirror. Well I think I look pretty well. Hell I think I look hot but will he. Will Elizabitch up me one. Damn I hate her. Get off of it. Courtney just forget her. I sit down and apply my make up. Doing my hair. I love him and tonight I am going to tell him. That's it tonight is the night. At least I hope so.
I stand up and grab my purse. Leaving my apartment. Tonight is the night. I keep saying it in my head. This is it. I am a strong woman and I can do it. I walk out my door and get in my car. I can't wait to see him.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I look around my apartment and try to see what she would see, she would see a cold house, for a cold man. That was all she saw a cold man. He was the brain damage man, I am sure A.J. had told her all about him. Darn why did he have to be like this. Why couldn't he go to her and tell her how he felt? It was weird he could be thinking about anything and then she would pop in his head. He would try to see what was wrong with him. Why couldn't she love him? Why couldn't he tell her? Why was he so scared to admit his feeling? The fearless Jason Morgan was scared to tell the woman he loved that he loved her. It wasn't right but what could he do.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I see him coming down the stairs, he looked gorgeous. Sexy. Dangerous. Lethal. He could stop a woman's heart a mile away. Hell she felt her own heart beating faster. No one was on his arm. Did that mean that she wasn't here with him. Did that mean he was alone. God I hope he was. Since tonight is the night I am going to tell him. I am sitting here talking to Carly. Sonny is getting up to greet Jason and I let my eye stray to his. He looks at me.......is that hunger. God dammit I hope it is. I see Carly with a smile on her face as I bring my eyes back to hers. I know she knows and I know there is going to be a big conversation. Dammit why to have to be so obvious. Why does my love have to be so obvious.
~*~ So I'm reaching out on this distant line
Hoping deep inside your heart's gonna find a reason
To keep me breathing
But I'm lost in this pain and I don't have much time
I'm so tired of walking this same old line
So I'm taking my pride, gonna throw it aside
Please let me breathe girl, I'm sorry ~*~
*~*
Does she look good. That green dress. So tight I can see the outline of her breast. So sexy. So gorgeous. Not heavy make up, not like Elizabeth but of course she doesn't even need makeup. Courtney is beautiful with out it. Unlike Liz, she looks like something out of walking a swamp. I look her up and down and I feel her eyes do the same. I have decided, on the ride here that tonight was the night to tell her how I was in love with her.
She gets up with Carly to go use the bathroom. I wonder if she will tell Carly I was ogling her. Why did I do that? I wonder if Sonny saw It and what would he say? Oh god I wish I didn't come but I knew Courtney would be here, so I am glad I came. At least I hope I am.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
Me and Carly go to the bathroom. Some ways and I am dreading it. It's scary. Carly can always read me. It sucks. I hope she won't bring anything up but of course no one loves me up there. Because when I walk in Carly pushes me in and sits on the couch. "So tell me, what's with you and Jason," she asks. Her face glowing.
"Nothing Carly and nothing more about it," with that I walk out. I here her huff and I laugh. I know later she will want to talk about but hopefully for tonight I have missed the bullet. I go back in the empty Cellar, the four of us the only people. I go and sit across from where Jason is sitting. This is going to be a long night.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I hear Sonny ask Carly to dance. Me and Courtney have both avoided talking to each other. She talking to Carly and Sonny while I sit back a watch, to me talking to Sonny and Carly while she runs around to play waitress. I stand up. If I ask her to dance maybe that will be the perfect time to tell her, tell her that I love her. I walk over to her. Standing by her side and I hold my hand out to her. I see her tense up.
"Will you have this dance with me?" I ask her. I say a prayer over and over in my head. I don't think I will be able to live if she say no. Please lord let her say yes.
~*~ Baby girl, don't leave me standing here
I'm barely breathing, girl, I'm running out of air
Baby girl, don't leave me standing here
I'm barely breathing, girl, I'm running out of air ~*~
I always walk the pier every morning. I love it. So quite. So peaceful. Today I am thinking of her, just like every other day. Her laugh pops into my head. I want to hear her to be laughing at me, laughing at my jokes, although they are few and far between. I want to hear her to laugh when we have a tickle war. I want to hear her to laugh when we have a pillow fight. I want to hear her laugh when we are curled on the couch watching a sitcom. I want to hear her laugh when we are at the movies. I just what to hear her when she's with me laughing.
While I am day dreaming I run into a short body and I look down. I see Penny. I know she is the best friend of Courtney. Maybe she could give me a idea how you are doing. "Hey Penny," I say to her. She smiles at me, which I am sure has done over thousands of men but on me I feel nothing.
"Hey Jason, how are you," she asks me.
"I am great, you?" I ask her. It's hard for me not to jump and ask how you are. Are you missing me, do you even talk about me?
~*~ If I cried like a baby would you change your mind?
If I told you I'm crazy would you come running back to me?
The harder I try to break away, the more I get lost in yesterday
The man that you know is just a shell, living without your life is hell
I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away
Another night and I'm missing you
Girl, it's killing me, well ~*~
*~*
I see Penny and Jason talking, I wonder what it's about. I feel a pang of jealously and she is my best friend. What in the fuck is wrong with me. I want to run down there and go talk to him. I am going to the cellar tonight. I heard that Jason is going to be there. What does that mean? He probably will bring Elizabitch with him so she'll have his claws in him.
It's not fair. She does not deserve him. 'Well you don't either Courtney, at least she can admit her feeling to him,' my voice says in the back of head. Its right, it's always right. Elizabit...Elizabeth is lucky she is not a coward.
~*~ I don't wanna go clubbing, I got no one to dance with me
I don't wanna go shopping, I got no one to spend my money on
Spending my time with one glass of wine
Playing solitaire just to ease my mind
Poured one for you, but I drank that too
Anything to kill the pain of losing you
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
So Courtney doesn't talk to Penny about me. It hurts a bit. I want her to talk about me. God what in the fuck is wrong with me. Get over it Jason. Get over her. I walk home. As I open the door I see Elizabeth sitting on my couch. She is getting on my nerves anymore. So obsessive, she has to know wherever I go, when I go, how I go, when I'll be back, and who i was with. It's like I am living with my parents again. At least i think it is. Knowing the Quatermaines they probably was as strict. I am getting so fucking tired of her. Maybe I should just give her up, leave, and go somewhere where no one knows me. Just get the fuck away from her and Courtney. Make them a far away memory.
~*~ I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away
Another night and I'm missing you
Girl, it's killing me
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I start getting dress and I see myself wondering what Jason likes, would he like this on me. What in the fuck is wrong with me? Do I get like this when I am trying to get ready for a date with A.J.; no I am not. Hell sometimes I don't even care. But here I am, trying to look my best. I need to stop and look around. Would he care? Will he care? No he won't his eyes will be on her. Miss perfect. Miss Elizabeth. I hate her but I have no right too. I have no right to hate someone when she just is braver then me.
I go to my closet and look around. Well there is the blue sun dress, the red spaghetti strap dress, the tight green halter top dress, a black off the shoulder dress and the tight yellow tub top dress. I close my eye and pick, why worry what he thinks. It doesn't mater what he thinks. He won't care.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
"Elizabeth what in the fuck are you doing here," I ask her. I run a weary hand down my face.
"Where were you," she stands up and puts her hands on her hips. She never trusted me. I mean sure the one time we made love I called out Courtney, is that so bad. Is that wrong that I love the woman so much that I want to make love to her. That when I made love to Elizabeth I saw her. Which is impossible. I mean where I used to think Liz was beautiful I now see he as a anorexic bitch.
"I was out Liz, now will you please leave have to get to Carly club," oh god why in the hell did I mention that. Now she will want to go and there is no way in hell I am bringing her. Carly would kill me. She hates Liz more then Emily, well ever since she found out Liz slept with Zander. Hell I can't eve believe I took her back after she slept with him.
"Are you taking me," I go and sit on the couch.
"No, you know Carly will get mad," she looks like she is about to say something but I hold my hand up. She gives me a huff and walks out of the door. Slamming it. Goddamn she gives me a fucking headache.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I get dress and look at myself in the mirror. Well I think I look pretty well. Hell I think I look hot but will he. Will Elizabitch up me one. Damn I hate her. Get off of it. Courtney just forget her. I sit down and apply my make up. Doing my hair. I love him and tonight I am going to tell him. That's it tonight is the night. At least I hope so.
I stand up and grab my purse. Leaving my apartment. Tonight is the night. I keep saying it in my head. This is it. I am a strong woman and I can do it. I walk out my door and get in my car. I can't wait to see him.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I look around my apartment and try to see what she would see, she would see a cold house, for a cold man. That was all she saw a cold man. He was the brain damage man, I am sure A.J. had told her all about him. Darn why did he have to be like this. Why couldn't he go to her and tell her how he felt? It was weird he could be thinking about anything and then she would pop in his head. He would try to see what was wrong with him. Why couldn't she love him? Why couldn't he tell her? Why was he so scared to admit his feeling? The fearless Jason Morgan was scared to tell the woman he loved that he loved her. It wasn't right but what could he do.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I see him coming down the stairs, he looked gorgeous. Sexy. Dangerous. Lethal. He could stop a woman's heart a mile away. Hell she felt her own heart beating faster. No one was on his arm. Did that mean that she wasn't here with him. Did that mean he was alone. God I hope he was. Since tonight is the night I am going to tell him. I am sitting here talking to Carly. Sonny is getting up to greet Jason and I let my eye stray to his. He looks at me.......is that hunger. God dammit I hope it is. I see Carly with a smile on her face as I bring my eyes back to hers. I know she knows and I know there is going to be a big conversation. Dammit why to have to be so obvious. Why does my love have to be so obvious.
~*~ So I'm reaching out on this distant line
Hoping deep inside your heart's gonna find a reason
To keep me breathing
But I'm lost in this pain and I don't have much time
I'm so tired of walking this same old line
So I'm taking my pride, gonna throw it aside
Please let me breathe girl, I'm sorry ~*~
*~*
Does she look good. That green dress. So tight I can see the outline of her breast. So sexy. So gorgeous. Not heavy make up, not like Elizabeth but of course she doesn't even need makeup. Courtney is beautiful with out it. Unlike Liz, she looks like something out of walking a swamp. I look her up and down and I feel her eyes do the same. I have decided, on the ride here that tonight was the night to tell her how I was in love with her.
She gets up with Carly to go use the bathroom. I wonder if she will tell Carly I was ogling her. Why did I do that? I wonder if Sonny saw It and what would he say? Oh god I wish I didn't come but I knew Courtney would be here, so I am glad I came. At least I hope I am.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
Me and Carly go to the bathroom. Some ways and I am dreading it. It's scary. Carly can always read me. It sucks. I hope she won't bring anything up but of course no one loves me up there. Because when I walk in Carly pushes me in and sits on the couch. "So tell me, what's with you and Jason," she asks. Her face glowing.
"Nothing Carly and nothing more about it," with that I walk out. I here her huff and I laugh. I know later she will want to talk about but hopefully for tonight I have missed the bullet. I go back in the empty Cellar, the four of us the only people. I go and sit across from where Jason is sitting. This is going to be a long night.
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day
I'm almost out of air
You're my reason for breathing
You're my reason for breathing ~*~
*~*
I hear Sonny ask Carly to dance. Me and Courtney have both avoided talking to each other. She talking to Carly and Sonny while I sit back a watch, to me talking to Sonny and Carly while she runs around to play waitress. I stand up. If I ask her to dance maybe that will be the perfect time to tell her, tell her that I love her. I walk over to her. Standing by her side and I hold my hand out to her. I see her tense up.
"Will you have this dance with me?" I ask her. I say a prayer over and over in my head. I don't think I will be able to live if she say no. Please lord let her say yes.
~*~ Baby girl, don't leave me standing here
I'm barely breathing, girl, I'm running out of air
Baby girl, don't leave me standing here
I'm barely breathing, girl, I'm running out of air ~*~