HONORLESS MAN

chapter 01 – To drown in mud

03/02/27

By: Ufomanne

I try to rise
From this mud, black of blood
To see the sun
To see with my blinded eyes

Agony-

To realise
The sin was mine, only mine
To cry, blood dripping from eyes, gone
Those eyes the truth plucked out

Panic-

As I se the final light disappear
As the last breath is denied
Hope is forever gone
That last glimpse of warmth

Tiredness-

To fight for the light to return
But who can move the sun
Who can heal their sight
To fight but only pushed back in mud

Amazement-

Why haven't I given up yet
Why not lie down
In the mud and drown
Why not succumb to their wish
For my blood and death

nothingness-

It was night once again, the darkness revealing a clear sky with no moon, but with stars bright and plenty enough to be mesmerised by their beauty. Nights like this usually was a time when things was not so hectic, in difference to the day, when every moment was a moment when you could be attacked in any way possible. Every moment a moment you had to be prepared for anything, to be alert every second, an existence that, for one person at least, was very tiring.

Now though, it was dark, the nightly breeze giving a feeling of calmness, of course that was not always the case, but often enough it was safe from sudden attacks, so that Ranma could feel a little secure, to relax and actually think, sitting upon the roof of the Tendo dojo. He slowly followed the path of stars called the milky way with his gaze, and wished that he could lend some of their age and wisdom, so he could figure out how to get out of the mess that was his life.

As he sat there and listened to the sleepy chirping of the cicadas, and the low mumble from a city who was alive even in a late hour like this, a big city like this never really slept, he thought back on the year that had passed. Nothing had changed, there was still the fighting fiancées, the angry martial-artists who was seeking revenge over anything and nothing, money earned through the expense of him or the people he cared for. Simply being used and humiliated in any way possible, as much as possible.

Of course, his father had taught Ranma his final techniques, even the forbidden ones (after a lot of "persuasion"), and now Ranma was left to improve on his own devices, even though he still sparred with his father, if nothing else to get the satisfaction to beat the stuffing out of the grubby panda now and then. Ranma had even learned some more from the old ghoul, she even didn't know of it herself (at least that was what he hoped). And maybe he even could stand a decent chance against her now, although he wasn't completely sure about that.

And a lot of nice things had happened over this year, he guessed he had matured a bit (a whole lot actually, but he didn't want to admit to himself that he was immature in the first place) and learned a lot more about life, and martial arts of course, heck, wasn't that actually the same thing? Life and martial arts.

But, even with these positive things in the equation, it came out negative.

For one whole year he had really tried to fix things, not that he didn't try before, but now he had really had it as a goal and fought for it. What was the result of his efforts? Nothing, nothing at all, if nothing else he had managed to entangle himself in the mess that composed his life even more. And through the last year the feeling of hopelessness had grown.

Sometimes it was so hard to fight the feelings surging up, trying to break free from his emotional iron grip and to be expressed. Sometimes he wanted to cry and scream and, and... but he couldn't, he was supposed to be a man among men, and men didn't cry (or so Genma had taught him, even though Genma himself had contradicted it quite a few times himself...) So Ranma just tried to harden himself and carry on.

But he was so close to breaking now, he could almost feel the cracks covering him, invisible and small, the integrity of his person was failing, how much he fought against it didn't seem to matter. He couldn't do anything about it anymore, and he was beginning to get desperate.

'I have to fix this before I go crazy' Ranma thought

But the statement felt more like an admittance that he indeed was going to become crazy soon, because a solution was beyond his reach.

He heaved a heavy sigh of resignation and lay down on the roof, still turning and twisting his problems to view them in all angles possible, to perhaps gain some insight, some perspective of it all which from everything didn't seem totally hopeless.

Searching for an impossibility.

The day after, evening time.
Ranma sighed, it had been another day of bodily and emotional damage, the usual arguments at home before going to school, Akane calling him a pervert, and though his best efforts to keep his mouth shut eventually answered the badmouthing Akane was giving him, with severe pain as a result. School, Kuno came to get his daily beating spouting his usual incoherent pieces of poetry, then Shampoo, and with her Mousse, and on and on and on. And of course... some cold water got in between as usual, making him a girl twice before he got home.

Even P-chan graced his day, with one of his far too frequent visits, unfortunately in his un-cursed form. Normally he enjoyed his fights with Ryoga, even though they seemed deadly enough, and both of them almost always went full out on each other, there was a profound understanding between the two of them. If only Ryoga sometime could slow down and think, and maybe try to overcome his hate, so they really could be friends again.

He almost won today, the little piggy-boy, the last week Ranma couldn't really manage to put his heart in the fighting. It worried even him, the martial arts were what defined him, if he lost his control over this then he really would be doomed.

Akane, of course, went ballistic over him being "mean to Ryoga-chan" (Ranma couldn't comprehend how dense she was sometimes, was it always his fault that Ryoga attacked him? He didn't get it at all) and malleted him away from the scene, might have been just as well, because otherwise he might actually have lost the battle.

Strange thing was it didn't even sting his pride to know he almost got beaten, and Ryoga didn't even have a new technique to surprise him with, it was just a normal fight. He almost lost but all he could feel was a numb, uncaring... nothing. It didn't matter anymore.

And that feeling made him want to crawl out of his own skin. He didn't want that feeling, it wasn't him.

He sighed once again and started a slow trek up the stairs in the Tendo residence, towards his room, and towards Akanes. He had to try to say something, to maybe make her understand how he felt. He liked her, but as a friend. One time he thought he loved her, and maybe he did, but not anymore. They had experienced a few tender moments in the time he had known her, and that was the most cherished memories he had, but all the almost constant abuse and fighting just was too much, he couldn't handle it; it made him shut away his feelings. And one day he realised they had died, or at least transformed to something else altogether in their prison. He would do anything for her, as a friend. The love he had for her was not dead, but it would never become the same again, never have the same strength. The love that died, was the kind of love that cannot exist without trust. She never trusted him, and he had to himself, that he didn't trust her either, and never had.

He willingly admitted that he was just as much a catalyst for the fights as she was, and he was sorry, he was so very sorry for all the times he hurt her. The last year he had tried to better himself, he really did, and he managed to avoid putting his foot in his mouth in a degree which impressed even him. But sometimes he just boiled over, and then everything went bad again, like today. He tried, and actually had changed himself to be a little considerate with what he said, although he had to admit that he still was crude at times, he at least had worked in a little thought between the direct link of his speech centre in his brain to his mouth. It never seem to matter anyway, the only change was that Akanes eruptions of anger due to his numerous mistakes when he talked, but she made up for almost all those times with having become a lot faster to jump him when he didn't answer, because she read things into his silence, or took his halfway good answers as lies.

He had avoided the dinner to let Akane calm down, and to avoid saying something stupid, which, with his luck, he would without doubt put his foot in his mouth (maybe even feet).
But Kasumi, kind as she always was, gave him something to put in his stomach afterwards.

Now finished with the meal and helping Kasumi with cleaning up in the kitchen, the sun was going down, and he was tired, he would crawl into his bed soon. But first Akane.

'One last time, she have to listen, she have to! Please let her listen' Ranma thought, and lightly knocked on her door.

"Yes?" A slightly irritated voice said from within.

"It's me, Ranma, may I come in?" Ranma said with a humble voice (for him anyway).

After what Ranma guessed was a couple of minutes silence he heard a shuffling inside, and then the door slid aside and he was faced with Akane.

"What do you want?" she asked, both her voice and face expressed barley contained anger.

"I... may I come in? I wanted to talk to you..." Ranma said, trailing off at the end, sounding a little unsure.

"Well... ok, but make it quick." Her voice lost a little of its hostility when she noticed the strange lack of forcefulness and arrogance that usually permeated his voice. She stepped aside, and he quickly stepped inside, making sure not touching anything. Akane slid the door shut again and turned to him, with one eyebrow lifted and her arms crossed.

"I wanted to... apologize, for today. I'm sorry..." He said, with some little effort, but still sounding sincere.

"Well, I can't blame you for being a hapless pervert can I? Oh right, I can... but ok, I'll think about it." Akane said with a little smirk, seeming to enjoy giving back a little.

'Calm, calm Ranma, you can do this' He thought and bit himself in his tongue and ignored the comment.

"And... for everything else too, all of it, I..." Ranma begun, sweat almost breaking out in his face of the effort to say what he wanted to say.

"Do you really think that's something you can be forgiven for? Everything that happened here is because you and your father came along..." Akane interrupted, slowly raising her voice through the sentence.

"But I, Wait, Akane, let me finish..." Ranma desperately tried to intervene.

"NO! I'm not going to listen to you, every time I try to forgive everything you have done, ruined in my life, every time you drag your sorry carcass up here and try to beg for forgiveness because someone else forced you to, every time you just fuck up the day after anyway!" Akane almost-screamed, pointing an accusing finger at him, anger flushing her face.

"But I..." Ranma didn't have time to say more before a little black pig came smacking into his side, squealing (what Ranma guessed it was at least) profanities at him. Caught totally off guard he stumbled, and his foot caught at a pile of books on the floor. Ranma flailed with his hands, trying to avoid the inevitable fall. Before hitting the floor he got hold of something with his hand, but it gave away and he smacked face first into the mat.

Groaning, he sat up again, smacking Ryoga out of the way, and noticed, to his dread, that he was covered, as the rest of the room, in panties and bras. He looked up at Akane; she just stood there with open mouth and a pair of panties on her head and stared in shock at her room.

Ranma heaved a depressed sigh, and just relaxed his body. 'Damn, I got hold of just the wrong handle of the drawer' he thought depressed.

Soon enough, as Ranma predicted, Akanes face scrunched up in terrifying wrath, drew fourth a mallet and with a resounding "PERVERT!" hit him out the window.

A now female Ranma stood up in the pond sadly looking up at the window he just flew out of, now occupying an enraged Akane.

"And what have I said about harassing P-chan!" She screamed at him and shut the window with a bang.

'Must be bullet-proof glass, or else it would have shattered long ago' Ranma thought, and slowly waded out of the pond.

"Damn that water is cold" she muttered under her breath, trying to wring some of the water out of her clothes. After a minute she gave up, and walked with slumped shoulders toward the house, the hope in her heart flickering, almost as if it was a flame that was slowly being drenched in the water that covered her. She didn't even have the energy to berate Akane for being such a sexless tomboy, which was an enormous testimony to her weariness.

Slowly walking into the kitchen, looking at her feet and deep in thought, Ranma slumped down beside the table in the kitchen, staring numbly at the clean surface of the table.

"Oh my, you're all wet, is everything alright Ranma?" A kind voice asked, and Ranma raised her head and looked at Kasumi, drying her hands on a towel. Ranma just looked at her, unable to form an answer. Kasumi looked at Ranma with a worried expression, then taking the teakettle of the stove (always having some warm water in it, in case of Ranma or his father needed it) and brought it over to the table and setting it down in front of Ranma. Smiling and laying a hand on Ranmas shoulder.

"You change back, and I'll go get some towels for you, ok?" She asked and gave Ranma her best smile.

"Ah, I... I mean, ok..." Ranma responded, woken from her contemplating silence, with a dead voice, confused about her own sudden stuttering.

Kasumi squeezed Ranmas shoulder before walking out of the kitchen, leaving Ranma, who didn't waste any time to get back to the gender he was born as. He smiled a little; it was hard to stay depressed in the presence of Kasumi. She was one of the only people he knew who he could have a somewhat peaceful co-existence with. The last year he had tried to better himself, which led to that he helped in the kitchen sometimes, and gradually became friends with Kasumi, usually a person who liked to stay out of the way from the chaos that was called his life, he hadn't really gotten to know her before that. She made her presence so, unnoticeable, sometimes.

Now they usually talked over some tea in the morning, or after dinner when they had done the dishes. He really liked talking with her, and she seemed to enjoy his company as well. He really was grateful to her, she didn't mallet or hit him as soon as he said something stupid, but let him explain what he really meant, or let him apologise and she accepted it. They had discussed a great deal of things, although nothing really sensitive. Ranma hadn't dared to bring up his closest feelings about the fiancées and the whole situation, and he knew Kasumi had some stuff she hadn't been willing to talk about either. But sometime, he hoped, he would be able to talk to her about it, maybe she could help him, or he help her. He didn't really dare yet though. After all, he was a man among men; they took care about their problems themselves, right? Still, she was a true friend.

Ranma sighed, and put the teakettle down on the table again.

'I really wish I could have the same friendship with Akane...' He wistfully thought and stared down on the teakettle, then sighing again.

'If I got one yen for each time I have sighed the last weeks I would be rich' Ranma thought absentmindedly, and started to take his shirt off.

"Some time I should just take a boulder and carry it here and fill the pond, so I don't have to take so many baths" He muttered and put the shirt beside him "at least not so cold ones" He added.

"You might be right, but it's a nice pond, I think, and wouldn't it hurt more to land on a rock?" Kasumi said with a smile when she entered anew and put three towels beside Ranma, which he took use of immediately.

"I guess you're right, but still, I'm going to look like Happosai in a couple of years if my skin keep getting soaked in water all the time like this" Ranma said with a dry tone, rubbing his torso with a towel.

As usual he was taken by surprise by the bell-like laughter; it was as if the sound of a forest stream cascading down a mountain and elves dancing and singing in the morning-mist transferred to a human voice. He smiled at Kasumi, relishing in that laughter. Akane had a beautiful laughter, but this was like an angels. Still it was a rare laughter, he really tried to make her laugh as often as he could, because he never heard it before he really talked to her. She always smiled, that kind understanding smile of hers, but she almost never laughed.

Still giggling Kasumi walked to the stove and took the teakettle which had tea in it and took it, with two cups, to the table.

"Then you better hurry up and marry Akane before she dumps you" Kasumi said with laughter in her voice, and almost dropped the teakettle and cups when she saw Ranmas face went from sunny day to Antarctic winter night and she realised what she said.

The foot-in-mouth manoeuvre was apparently not patented by the Saotome males.

"Oh my, I'm sorry Ranma, that was mean of me..." Kasumi said with regret in her voice.

Ranma sighed (again!)

"It's ok, but I think there isn't anyone to dump by anyone anymore, it's already done." He said with an even voice.

"What do you mean? You and Akane have had fights before without staying enemies that long... Did she renounce the marriage deal again?" Kasumi said and looked at Ranma while she poured tea into the cups, and giving one to Ranma.

"No, it's just..." He trailed off and stared into his mug, not sure if he wanted to talk about it. Oh, sure he wanted to, but he was not sure he dared to.

"I just feel it's no meaning with it anymore, why not just give up?" Ranma continued, and shocked himself with what he said. But he realised that was what he felt.

Kasumi just stared at him, not really comprehending what he said.

"Kasumi... I don't love her, well, yes I do love her, but as a friend. I don't want to marry her. I have tried to explain to her so many times, but she never listens. I realise I'm not very good at expressing things like that, and that I easily make it sound like something else. But I have tried. I tried just now, for the last time I think." Ranma said, then drawing a deep breath and taking half his tea in one gulp.

"Ranma, you..." Kasumi started, but hesitated and stared down in her mug.

"I can't do anything, maybe it's best to just give up about everything." Ranma said, setting his mug down, and standing up.

"That's what it feels like anyway, I can't fight forever, even if my body survives, my soul is ripped to pieces by all this." He turned around and walked to the opening of the kitchen. Kasumi had her mouth open as if she was trying to say anything, she looked helplessly at him.

"Goodnight Kasumi, see you tomorrow, and sorry." Ranma smiled at her over his shoulder. A sad smile.
Then he walked out of the kitchen, leaving a shocked Kasumi behind.

'Goddammit Ranma! Stupid, stupid stupid stupid!' Ranma thought with anger at himself, he just had to spill his guts like that, Stupid! He ran up the stairs silently and into his room and quickly slipped into his futon after he shed the rest of his wet clothes. It would take a long time before he found sleep.
Kasumi sat a while in the kitchen, with the tea slowly cooling in her hands. When a teardrop disturbed the surface of the now cold tea she realised she was crying. When Ranma first started talking, what he said just froze her inside and out. Ranma really didn't deserve all the trouble he had, at first glance he seemed like such an arrogant person, self-confident to a fault. But she knew better now, he was a gentle person, and all that insecurity and fear of not being accepted. It hurt her seeing him faring so badly, making her feel helpless that she couldn't do anything more to help him that what she did. The one thing that Kasumi admired about him was that he never gave up, Ranma and give up in the same meaning just didn't feel right, and hearing those words from his lips brought a horrible feeling to her stomach.

'Why am I crying?' she asked herself, staring shocked at her teacup, small tremors still visible. She quickly dried her tears and stood up, trying to shake the confusion from her mind. Desperately needing something else to think about, and with all the work already done in the kitchen, and elsewhere in the house, she decided to cook something for tomorrow.

Anything but thinking about her confused feelings.

To be continued

Author notes:

Kasumi/Ranma? maybe..

Akane bashing? I don't intend to.

How will this turn out? I have no idea...