Title: Shattered Remains
Author: LadyMiriamele
Warnings: Yaoi, Darkness, Angst, Harsh Language
Disclaimer: I do not own this show, nor do I own the characters. I am merely inspired by them and therefore, find myself instilled with the motivation to write fanfiction.
Author's Note: Another fic at long last! I worked hard on this one. It's basically a more detailed and (hopefully) improved version of Scattered Tears...I've always wanted to expand on that fic, and I finally have done so. I hope it turned out as well as I aspired. Enjoy! Reviews, as always are appreciated.
The rain was hurled from the clouds and sent exploding upon the earth. Great winds shook the trees with an intense force, one that seemed as if it had been contained for far too long. The clouds rumbled in protest to the weather, their cries and bolts of lightning seeking release from the turmoil.
He walked alone. His small figure was inconspicuous, for it hid among the shadows of the darkness. However, every so often the sky would flash its screaming lights and expose him for all that he was---a lost fire demon walking in the Ningenkai. His shoulders were tense, protecting him from the feelings that were seeping into his veins. He wouldn't allow them so show. He let the rain soak his clothing and his hair. In a way, the cold water served as a penance of a sort...A punishment for being so weak emotionally. If only his heart could freeze over.
He came to the graveyard, his destination in that dreary world of pointless lives. It was deserted, as expected on such a night, and it fit the cliché of the appearance of a classic haunted cemetery. It was not long before he found the grave that he sought, along with a fairly large headstone reading, "Loving Son," followed by a short epitaph. He did not hesitate, for every moment he spent beside that grave sent tremors throughout his heart. Instead, he carelessly tossed a gem to the ground.
"Every tear I cry for you makes me weaker," he said.
He stared at the ground for a moment, watching as the rain drowned the single teargem.
"Fuck you for dying on me."
Then he left, his form disappearing faster than lightning could strike.
The teargem sunk slowly into the ground.
***
Memories have a way of sneaking up upon you. Whether they are triggered by a scent, or a specific image, or even by a single word, they are capable of casting you into an endless spiral of once-forgotten emotions.
For Hiei, it was a scent that brought back times that were repressed in the back of his mind.
He had been lying upon a branch of a large, leafy tree, one of his favorite spots in Makai. Over the past two months, he had refused all work from both Koenma and Mukuro. He didn't have the will to enjoy what he once loved and therefore, he usually passed his time just sitting back and reflecting...Attempting to perfect the hardness of his shell, attempting to conceal old wounds. He pushed all painful recollections far away and worked constantly on teaching himself not to return to the past.
But then came a musky smell, much like a mix of nature, wine and sex. With it, came a flood of whispers, kisses and warm nights, all arising from the past. It brought the taste of love and the taste of loss. Emptiness and death traveled with the aroma, until Hiei found himself overcome with an inability to speak.
It was Kurama's scent, only much more intense.
Hiei jumped down from the tree, every limb of his body quivering. It couldn't be...
He stood there, tall with a silver beauty that even the moon envied. His gold eyes stared at him with faint, but careless recognition.
"Hello, Hiei," the demon fox said lazily.
For a split second, emotion got the better of him. All his practice of concealing his true feelings left him in a split instant and he found his eyes filling with tears.
He's not dead. He's not dead. He's not... his mind kept repeating. It took all the power of restraint he had not to run into Kurama's arms.
Then he caught himself and pulled everything back in. With a deep breath, he looking harshly into the Youko's eyes. "What the hell, Kurama?! If you reverted to your Youko form after you died...Why didn't you come tell us? Yusuke, Kuwabara...Everyone thinks you're gone!"
And I thought I lost my only love...Kurama, you've caused me such pain...
The Youko laughed. "Don't be stupid."
Hiei flinched. "...Kurama..."
He laughed again. "You know, when I first met you, you were a lot stronger...Did that stupid ningen change you that much? Pathetic. Utterly pathetic."
When Hiei didn't respond to this, he continued. "Shuichi died. That idiotic, emotional mess has finally freed me to return to the life I once lived. I'm Youko Kurama. And I could care less about anything you or anyone else who knew the dead ningen. Get over it and leave me alone."
The youko began to walk away, clearly irritated. Hiei watched him fade into the distance as his mind desperately tried to sort through what he had just encountered.
Part of him wanted to scream. The other part felt as if he were slowly sinking into himself, leaving the world outside his mind forever. He couldn't grasp the conversation, the facts, the cruelty of the Youko's words. After everything that had happened between Kurama and Hiei, the youko couldn't care less.
In death, Kurama had lost everything that had made him human.
A teargem slowly fell to the ground. He made no more attempts to hide his emotions. His wall had been broken, his heart torn from his chest.
***
Days passed. Weeks crawled by. Months traveled along, slower than ever. And Hiei was left alone to the madness of his mind. He needed to see Kurama again. He needed to talk sense into the youko, make him realize what he was. Make him love again. He had to. He couldn't just let go. He had to bring him back.
The youko was very hard to track. Hiei spent all his time trying to catch wind of any hint of his whereabouts. Finally, after a good three months of tracking him down, Hiei met up with him at a tavern. The fox was drinking and flirting with a winged female demon, apparently attempting to win her for the night. She was blushing and giggling.
Hiei suppressed a pang of jealousy and swallowed the lump in his throat.
I've been reduced to an emotional fool, he thought with disgust.
He walked up to Kurama, his gaze intense upon the youko's back. It took him a second to form the words, but he finally did. "Kurama," he said in a near-whisper.
The silver fox turned to him. "Oh, you," he sighed. "I'm busy." He began to turn back to the girl.
"We need to talk," Hiei demanded.
"Like I said, I'm busy. Fuck off."
Hiei touched his shoulder, causing the youko to reward him with a glare. But then, something in the youko's eyes changed and they took on an air of mischief.
"Oh second thought, I may have a minute to spare." He youko flashed his teeth.
Kurama led him outside, a good distance from the bar.
"So," he had said once they had stopped their silent walk. "Talk."
Hiei closed his eyes. "Kurama...I love you. And I can't bear seeing you...act as if you have no emotions. Just because your human form---"
"Shut up!" Kurama yelled. "My human form is dead and all there is left is the youko. You know nothing Hiei. You need to get over your emotions. They make you week and that's disgusting. Your lover is dead."
Hiei fought back tears and stood, facing Kurama with as much strength as he could muster.
Kurama laughed. "I know exactly what to do with you," he said through a grin.
Before Hiei could think, Kurama had him pinned to the ground, and was kissing him so hard, it was painful. Hiei found himself unable to respond.
"Come on, pet. Kiss me."
Hiei laid on the ground, motionless...
Don't do this to me, Kurama...Please...I can't...
"Come on pet," Kurama said again, removing Hiei's cloak.
"No..." Hiei protested faintly.
"You need it," Kurama laughed. "You want it more than anything else."
Hiei found himself lacking the will to refuse again. He was broken. He might as well allow someone to tear up his shattered remains.
"Kurama..." Hiei whispered as Kurama took him and shred every last bit of his heart and soul.
***
He went to the Ningenkai a year later. He was returning to the grave for one last visit, one last memory, and then he would leave it behind for good. He brought with him a rose, darkened and crispy with age, but as beautiful as ever. When he came to that grave he had visited once before, he threw it impassively upon the tombstone.
***
I brought a rose for you, Kurama. It was the best one I could find and yet, it still doesn't match the ones you left on your pillow before school for me. I want you to know, if you can hear me now, that I love you. I'll always love you. Never will I let you go.
Kurama…Or should I call you Shuichi? Sometimes I think I should call you the latter and distinguish the two of you. After all, wasn't it Shuichi that died? Or did he die too? I'm so confused. I don't even know why I ponder such things any more. It has been a year and yet, your death is still haunting me...
Why did you have to go and die? Why? I need to know! I told you to stop worrying about your ningen mother. You should have come and stayed with me in Makai. I could have taken care of you! But no! You insisted that you stay. And I let you! And where did you end up? In the cold, hard ground. I guess that means I played a part in your death then, huh? Ironic…Everything is so ironic.
Why didn't you listen to me Kurama? You would have never caught that stupid ningen virus. Do you know what it was like when Yusuke told me you were dead? You didn't even let me say goodbye! I couldn't tell you one last time how much I loved you and that I knew you loved me. I couldn't even see your bright emerald pools one last time. I couldn't even hear you say those words that had gotten me into all of this. I couldn't even hear you say you love me.
No! I won't cry again! I've been hardened by him...
This is all your fault, Kurama! You brought my fucking walls down. You changed me! I opened up to you. I forgot fear and let our love flow. And just like that, you die. You left me here open and exposed, for you took all your love with you. You left me alone. Worst of all, you left me with him.
God damn it, Kurama! I hate you for that. You let me experience the beauty of relationships. You taught me that love shouldn't be feared, that great things could come from it. And then you left me to be someone's pet. I knew I shouldn't have let you love me, should have never given into my own emotions. I should have known that it would be taken just like that.
I wonder if that stupid ningen expression is true: Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. Is that true? Or would I have been better off without your love?
I have to go soon. He'll be waiting. I know I don't have to return to him. He can find another pet to satisfy him. He has them lined up, all equally eager for him. But I always go back. I do it for you Kurama. And I guess…part of me does it for myself as well…He is all I have left. In a way, I guess he is keeping me alive. Or maybe he is killing me. I don't know. The two seem so alike these days.
I can feel him growing impatient. I better go. I wonder if he will tire of me soon. Then I'll have nothing left. And then I can finally join you. Gods, Kurama, I love you so much. I just wish you wouldn't have been so fucking selfish. I just wish…
But wishes are useless. I know that. And I have to return to my job. Goodbye, Kurama. At least, until I am free…
***
A single teargem fell on the grave, regardless of Hiei's attempts to keep his emotions in control, and Hiei walked away, heading back to Makai. Once there, he met up with the tall, silver youko, who awaited him with eager golden eyes. Hiei went to him and allowed himself be kissed roughly.
"Where were you? I almost had to please myself," the fox purred.
"I was visiting an old friend."
The youko laughed. "I didn't know you had any friends, pet. No matter. Now come, I can barely wait any longer."
"Sure, K'rama," Hiei whispered, letting the youko shove him to the ground and tear off his shirt.
When all wass done, Youko Kurama left with a single phrase, the same one he said every time he was pleased. "Be seeing you, pet."
Unnoticed by the fox, Hiei let another teargem fall.
END