Title: The Drunken Antics of Four Big Bads!
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't torture them so.at least I wouldn't torture them outside my bedroom.
Summary: In the beginning, a wise and all knowing author said, "Let the bad asses meet!" And it was good. Imagine a place where universes meet. Where people from different worlds could have a drink, maybe shoot some pool, and argue whose the biggest and baddest "Big Bad" of course! The Twins, Agent Smith and Spike walk into a bar and share a drink or to, muse about their respective lives and the a$$holes that make it a living Hell.This should get interesting.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 1: A Set of Twins, An Exiled Agent and an Incoporeal Vampire Walk into a Bar.
It's a brisk Friday night in Los Angeles, California. The streets are busy and filled with club goers who are usually weekday morning stiffs who have decided to take full advantage of the weekend. At 1:00 a.m., the city shows no signs of slowing down, leaving the promise of lazy, hangover induced Saturday mornings. The kind where you have a bottle of aspirin by your nightstand as you halfheartedly watch Saturday morning cartoons. Yes, these citizens surely so love the "Night Life." But would they love it as much if they knew what really roamed the streets after dark? Would they be able to handle the harsh truth? Or would they crumble apart much like their ignorant bliss as they discovered reality? What would they do? And what kind of new horrors would they face?
"Bloody Hell!" Spike screamed as his second whiskey went right through his non-existent body, much like the first. "How is a bloke supposed to get good and pissed when he doesn't have a body?!" Spike was at a local bar, about a block away from Wolfram and Hart. He was forced to stay nearby because of the amulet which Angel so lovingly called his "leash". ~ Ponce of a grandsire ~ Spike thought angrily. ~ Thinks some damn amulet gonna keep me in place. Please. At least I learned a few good tricks from the Reaper. I wonder how Peaches will like his hair when he realizes I replaced his gel with super-glue ~ Spike smirked as he sipped his drink. Still, the alcohol just spilled on the floor, causing the waiter to slip on the liquid and fall. "Ahhhhh!" screamed the waiter as he fell onto a table, which was occupied by a blonde woman and her boyfriend. The drinks the waiter carried fell onto the candle on the table and caused it to produce a large flame that set the blonde woman's hair on fire. "Ahhhhh!!!!! My hair! My hair!" The woman began to run around in circles as her big hulking boyfriend, who didn't look like the brightest bulb in the chandler, hit her over the head with a newspaper that everyone was pretty sure he was pretending to read. " Don't worry honey!" *smack* "I'll beat the fire out!" * Smack *. The waiter, who had scurried to the back when the woman's hair became the Olympic torch, returned with a fire extinguisher, right after her boyfriend knocked her to the ground, but right before the guy could stomp on her head. "Don't worry! I've got it!" The waiter yelled as he blasted the young woman's head. When the smoke cleared, the young lady was bald and began to beat up her boyfriend and the waiter. "YOU STUPID SONS OF B****ES! YOU'VE RUINED MY HAIR!" As the young, formally blond woman continued to hit the petrified men, Spike's smirk grew into a full on devilish grin. ~ Then again, I guess there are worst things than being a ghost ~ Spike thought contentedly.
Moments later, an imposing figure in a black, well-tailored suit, walked through the door. His stone expression and sunglasses that hid even a glimmer of any emotion he might have had made Spike seem even more human, even if drinks went straight through his body. The man walked right past the frantic bald woman and made a show of stepping over the ashes of what use to be her hair. Spike raised an eyebrow as he watched the man saunter up to the bar and order a drink. "Give me a gin and tonic." The well- dressed man ordered from the bartender. The bartender nodded and began fixing his drink. "So what business exactly does a former agent from the Matrix have here?" Spike asked casually as he observed the older man. Seeing as he was an agent, there was no real way to tell his age. He very well could have been older than Spike. "I'm just here to order a drink." The man said, knowing full well that the bleached blonde man to his left was a vampire. " Me too, but as you can see, " Spike said while motioning to the floor. " As your type would say, 'my mission seems quite futile'." Spike finished in his most stoic and composed voice. "I'm Spike by the way." Spike reached out his hand to shake the agents. "I'm Agent Smith." Replied the exiled agent. As he tried to shake Spike's hand, he was a bit surprised to find that his hand went right through Spike's. The only evidence of Agent's Smith surprise was a slightly raised eyebrow, which Spike grinned at.
"It's a long story, but in short, I was a vampire, I died to save the world but came back because this cheap piece of costume jewelry trapped my soul in it. Now I'm bound to the damn thing." Agent Smith regarded Spike with now two raised eyebrows as he sat down and decided to gulp his drink down. "That's quite the fascinating story.Spike." "Then you'll love this part. Best of all, my path of redemption started for love but ended with me wanting to do the 'right thing'. That could land my life story as a daytime movie on Lifetime for sure. So what's your deal, I mean there must be some reason you were fired as an agent of the Ma.." Spike stopped in mid sentence as he watched two other agents who looked like Agent Smith come toward them. " We wanna go to the movies." Said Agent Smith Copy #1. He was wearing a black leather jacket with black jeans, shirt and boots. "Yeah! We always have to do what you say but now that you don't have anything for us to do, we wanna have some fun!" Copy #2 whined. He was wearing an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt and blue jeans. "Plus there are two totally hot chicks checking me out." Copy #1 sneered at the two women sitting at a table behind them. "Give us some money, Daddy." Copy #2 crooned as he mustered up his best pout. Agent Smith just sighed and gave the copies some money. The two copies walked away and were joined by the young women at the table as they walked out the door. Spike looked at this confrontation with his jaw on the floor. He could have sworn he could see the gray hairs magically appear on the poor agent's head had witness his hairline receded even further.
"What in the Bloody Hell was that?!" Spike wailed, slightly afraid of the little money grubbers and completely freaked out at the whole scene. "Those were my copies." Agent Smith sighed. " I created them to help me bring down my archnemisis, but when I don't keep them occupied they become a bit.eccentric." "Oh." Spike. Looking paler than usual, turned to the bartender. "Don't just stand there! Get the man a drink! You saw those brats he has to support!" Spike barked at the bartender, who immediately jumped to action. "Actually there are more of them than just those two." Agent Smith mumbled as he inched his sunglasses up his face to massage his eyes. "How many more?" Spike asked warily. " A couple of dozen, maybe a hundred..." "Get this man a bottle and quick!" Spike yelled. The bartender came back with a bottle of gin and Agent Smith dismissed his glass for just drinking straight out of the bottle. " That's it. Just drown your sorrows. I wish I could." Spike mumbled.
As Agent Smith placed a half empty bottled down, two figures walked into the bar. Everyone stopped to stare at the two newest arrivals. They wore long white coats and white vests under them. They each had on a pair of tan boots, gray shirts and white slacks. White ties finished their ensembles. Their long white dreads framed their chalk white faces, that looked even paler than Spike's. Spike noticed their fingernails. ~ Gunmetal gray. Nice ~ Spike thought as he regarded his own black fingernails. They were twins in just about every aspect. Perfectly matched. Their entrance made Spike think about Smith's annoying copies and he involuntarily shuddered. The Twins smiled at this, and made their way to where Spike was sitting. ~ Just great ~ Spike though. ~ Do I have a sign inviting every weirdo from the Matrix to come sit by me? ~ Being a killer, Spike recognized an assassin when he saw one. And judging from how Agent Smith tensed when he saw the Twins coming, he figured Smith knew these guys, at least by reputation.
"Good evening, gentlemen." One greeted. "I'm One and this is my Twin, Two." Two nodded slightly in greeting. "You are Agent Smith, right? Yes, our paths have crossed on a few occasions." Two cockily said while sitting down to the left of his brother, who had already sat down next to Spike. " Yes. We have met before, but under much more unique circumstances than these." Agent Smith answered with an equally cocky smirk. ~ Oh boy. Better interrupt before this gets outta control. ~ Spike thought. "Hello. I'm Spike Everybody's favorite ghost!" Spike said with fake enthusiasm while putting his hand through Agent Smith's bottle. Two pairs of eyebrows shot up at this revelation. "Really?! You're a ghost?! Wow" Two said in genuine awe. "We are too! We'll in a sense. You see, we're programs, like Agent Smith, but we have a ghost from!" One explained now fascinated by the blonde stranger. "Really? How does that work?" Spike asked, brows frowed in confusion. The Twins grinned maniacally at the same time. "Like this." The Twins said in unison as they went into their ghost forms. All of the other occupants of the bar screamed and ran out of the door. The young woman, whose hair had been scorched, used her former boyfriend and waiter as battering rams to beat the people out of her way. "GET THE F***ED OUT OF MY WAY YOU LITTLE PISS ANTS!"
When the bar was empty by all except for the four and the bartender, the Twins resumed their human form and sat down grinning. "That was more fun than a barrel of monkeys!" Two replied excitedly. "My good man!" One said to the bartender who was scared stiff. "Give the whole bar a round of beers! On me!" The bartender looked at him angrily. "Gee, mister. While a few minutes ago that would have been great for my business, but now there's only four of you in the whole house!" Spike snickered and Agent Smith smirked as One continued to talk to the very pissed off bartender. "I know. That's why I'm offering." One said in his most innocent voice. Two began to laugh, which just aggravated the bartender more. "Look, a$$holes! You ruined one of the busiest nights of the week for my bar so I'm gonna have to asked you to get the Hell out! Don't make me come over this bar and." The bartender stopped in mid sentence as the Twins pulled out their blades, Agent Smith pulled out his 9 Caliber gun, and Spike went into Vamp Mode. "And what?" Agent Smith growled as he ever so slightly pulled back the trigger. "And huh.give you guys free drinks on the house! As a matter of fact, all of your drinks here are free!" The petrified bartender said with a nervous smile. He sighed in relief as everyone put their weapons away and Spike let his Game face slip away. "Come on guys. Let's go sit in a booth." Spike suggested. The other's agreed and they decided to sit in one of the recently vacated booths.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Check out the drunken antics of this foursome fore, in the Next Chapter:
The Twins and Spike argue about which are cooler: White dusters or black dusters!
And the four decide who are bigger pricks: Angel, Neo or The Merovingian.
Also, they decide to have a deep religious and philosophical discussion. With hilarious consequences!
Who cares if this whole fic doesn't make sense? If you like it and wanna see another chapter. Please R&R
Love,
Jaded316
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't torture them so.at least I wouldn't torture them outside my bedroom.
Summary: In the beginning, a wise and all knowing author said, "Let the bad asses meet!" And it was good. Imagine a place where universes meet. Where people from different worlds could have a drink, maybe shoot some pool, and argue whose the biggest and baddest "Big Bad" of course! The Twins, Agent Smith and Spike walk into a bar and share a drink or to, muse about their respective lives and the a$$holes that make it a living Hell.This should get interesting.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 1: A Set of Twins, An Exiled Agent and an Incoporeal Vampire Walk into a Bar.
It's a brisk Friday night in Los Angeles, California. The streets are busy and filled with club goers who are usually weekday morning stiffs who have decided to take full advantage of the weekend. At 1:00 a.m., the city shows no signs of slowing down, leaving the promise of lazy, hangover induced Saturday mornings. The kind where you have a bottle of aspirin by your nightstand as you halfheartedly watch Saturday morning cartoons. Yes, these citizens surely so love the "Night Life." But would they love it as much if they knew what really roamed the streets after dark? Would they be able to handle the harsh truth? Or would they crumble apart much like their ignorant bliss as they discovered reality? What would they do? And what kind of new horrors would they face?
"Bloody Hell!" Spike screamed as his second whiskey went right through his non-existent body, much like the first. "How is a bloke supposed to get good and pissed when he doesn't have a body?!" Spike was at a local bar, about a block away from Wolfram and Hart. He was forced to stay nearby because of the amulet which Angel so lovingly called his "leash". ~ Ponce of a grandsire ~ Spike thought angrily. ~ Thinks some damn amulet gonna keep me in place. Please. At least I learned a few good tricks from the Reaper. I wonder how Peaches will like his hair when he realizes I replaced his gel with super-glue ~ Spike smirked as he sipped his drink. Still, the alcohol just spilled on the floor, causing the waiter to slip on the liquid and fall. "Ahhhhh!" screamed the waiter as he fell onto a table, which was occupied by a blonde woman and her boyfriend. The drinks the waiter carried fell onto the candle on the table and caused it to produce a large flame that set the blonde woman's hair on fire. "Ahhhhh!!!!! My hair! My hair!" The woman began to run around in circles as her big hulking boyfriend, who didn't look like the brightest bulb in the chandler, hit her over the head with a newspaper that everyone was pretty sure he was pretending to read. " Don't worry honey!" *smack* "I'll beat the fire out!" * Smack *. The waiter, who had scurried to the back when the woman's hair became the Olympic torch, returned with a fire extinguisher, right after her boyfriend knocked her to the ground, but right before the guy could stomp on her head. "Don't worry! I've got it!" The waiter yelled as he blasted the young woman's head. When the smoke cleared, the young lady was bald and began to beat up her boyfriend and the waiter. "YOU STUPID SONS OF B****ES! YOU'VE RUINED MY HAIR!" As the young, formally blond woman continued to hit the petrified men, Spike's smirk grew into a full on devilish grin. ~ Then again, I guess there are worst things than being a ghost ~ Spike thought contentedly.
Moments later, an imposing figure in a black, well-tailored suit, walked through the door. His stone expression and sunglasses that hid even a glimmer of any emotion he might have had made Spike seem even more human, even if drinks went straight through his body. The man walked right past the frantic bald woman and made a show of stepping over the ashes of what use to be her hair. Spike raised an eyebrow as he watched the man saunter up to the bar and order a drink. "Give me a gin and tonic." The well- dressed man ordered from the bartender. The bartender nodded and began fixing his drink. "So what business exactly does a former agent from the Matrix have here?" Spike asked casually as he observed the older man. Seeing as he was an agent, there was no real way to tell his age. He very well could have been older than Spike. "I'm just here to order a drink." The man said, knowing full well that the bleached blonde man to his left was a vampire. " Me too, but as you can see, " Spike said while motioning to the floor. " As your type would say, 'my mission seems quite futile'." Spike finished in his most stoic and composed voice. "I'm Spike by the way." Spike reached out his hand to shake the agents. "I'm Agent Smith." Replied the exiled agent. As he tried to shake Spike's hand, he was a bit surprised to find that his hand went right through Spike's. The only evidence of Agent's Smith surprise was a slightly raised eyebrow, which Spike grinned at.
"It's a long story, but in short, I was a vampire, I died to save the world but came back because this cheap piece of costume jewelry trapped my soul in it. Now I'm bound to the damn thing." Agent Smith regarded Spike with now two raised eyebrows as he sat down and decided to gulp his drink down. "That's quite the fascinating story.Spike." "Then you'll love this part. Best of all, my path of redemption started for love but ended with me wanting to do the 'right thing'. That could land my life story as a daytime movie on Lifetime for sure. So what's your deal, I mean there must be some reason you were fired as an agent of the Ma.." Spike stopped in mid sentence as he watched two other agents who looked like Agent Smith come toward them. " We wanna go to the movies." Said Agent Smith Copy #1. He was wearing a black leather jacket with black jeans, shirt and boots. "Yeah! We always have to do what you say but now that you don't have anything for us to do, we wanna have some fun!" Copy #2 whined. He was wearing an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt and blue jeans. "Plus there are two totally hot chicks checking me out." Copy #1 sneered at the two women sitting at a table behind them. "Give us some money, Daddy." Copy #2 crooned as he mustered up his best pout. Agent Smith just sighed and gave the copies some money. The two copies walked away and were joined by the young women at the table as they walked out the door. Spike looked at this confrontation with his jaw on the floor. He could have sworn he could see the gray hairs magically appear on the poor agent's head had witness his hairline receded even further.
"What in the Bloody Hell was that?!" Spike wailed, slightly afraid of the little money grubbers and completely freaked out at the whole scene. "Those were my copies." Agent Smith sighed. " I created them to help me bring down my archnemisis, but when I don't keep them occupied they become a bit.eccentric." "Oh." Spike. Looking paler than usual, turned to the bartender. "Don't just stand there! Get the man a drink! You saw those brats he has to support!" Spike barked at the bartender, who immediately jumped to action. "Actually there are more of them than just those two." Agent Smith mumbled as he inched his sunglasses up his face to massage his eyes. "How many more?" Spike asked warily. " A couple of dozen, maybe a hundred..." "Get this man a bottle and quick!" Spike yelled. The bartender came back with a bottle of gin and Agent Smith dismissed his glass for just drinking straight out of the bottle. " That's it. Just drown your sorrows. I wish I could." Spike mumbled.
As Agent Smith placed a half empty bottled down, two figures walked into the bar. Everyone stopped to stare at the two newest arrivals. They wore long white coats and white vests under them. They each had on a pair of tan boots, gray shirts and white slacks. White ties finished their ensembles. Their long white dreads framed their chalk white faces, that looked even paler than Spike's. Spike noticed their fingernails. ~ Gunmetal gray. Nice ~ Spike thought as he regarded his own black fingernails. They were twins in just about every aspect. Perfectly matched. Their entrance made Spike think about Smith's annoying copies and he involuntarily shuddered. The Twins smiled at this, and made their way to where Spike was sitting. ~ Just great ~ Spike though. ~ Do I have a sign inviting every weirdo from the Matrix to come sit by me? ~ Being a killer, Spike recognized an assassin when he saw one. And judging from how Agent Smith tensed when he saw the Twins coming, he figured Smith knew these guys, at least by reputation.
"Good evening, gentlemen." One greeted. "I'm One and this is my Twin, Two." Two nodded slightly in greeting. "You are Agent Smith, right? Yes, our paths have crossed on a few occasions." Two cockily said while sitting down to the left of his brother, who had already sat down next to Spike. " Yes. We have met before, but under much more unique circumstances than these." Agent Smith answered with an equally cocky smirk. ~ Oh boy. Better interrupt before this gets outta control. ~ Spike thought. "Hello. I'm Spike Everybody's favorite ghost!" Spike said with fake enthusiasm while putting his hand through Agent Smith's bottle. Two pairs of eyebrows shot up at this revelation. "Really?! You're a ghost?! Wow" Two said in genuine awe. "We are too! We'll in a sense. You see, we're programs, like Agent Smith, but we have a ghost from!" One explained now fascinated by the blonde stranger. "Really? How does that work?" Spike asked, brows frowed in confusion. The Twins grinned maniacally at the same time. "Like this." The Twins said in unison as they went into their ghost forms. All of the other occupants of the bar screamed and ran out of the door. The young woman, whose hair had been scorched, used her former boyfriend and waiter as battering rams to beat the people out of her way. "GET THE F***ED OUT OF MY WAY YOU LITTLE PISS ANTS!"
When the bar was empty by all except for the four and the bartender, the Twins resumed their human form and sat down grinning. "That was more fun than a barrel of monkeys!" Two replied excitedly. "My good man!" One said to the bartender who was scared stiff. "Give the whole bar a round of beers! On me!" The bartender looked at him angrily. "Gee, mister. While a few minutes ago that would have been great for my business, but now there's only four of you in the whole house!" Spike snickered and Agent Smith smirked as One continued to talk to the very pissed off bartender. "I know. That's why I'm offering." One said in his most innocent voice. Two began to laugh, which just aggravated the bartender more. "Look, a$$holes! You ruined one of the busiest nights of the week for my bar so I'm gonna have to asked you to get the Hell out! Don't make me come over this bar and." The bartender stopped in mid sentence as the Twins pulled out their blades, Agent Smith pulled out his 9 Caliber gun, and Spike went into Vamp Mode. "And what?" Agent Smith growled as he ever so slightly pulled back the trigger. "And huh.give you guys free drinks on the house! As a matter of fact, all of your drinks here are free!" The petrified bartender said with a nervous smile. He sighed in relief as everyone put their weapons away and Spike let his Game face slip away. "Come on guys. Let's go sit in a booth." Spike suggested. The other's agreed and they decided to sit in one of the recently vacated booths.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Check out the drunken antics of this foursome fore, in the Next Chapter:
The Twins and Spike argue about which are cooler: White dusters or black dusters!
And the four decide who are bigger pricks: Angel, Neo or The Merovingian.
Also, they decide to have a deep religious and philosophical discussion. With hilarious consequences!
Who cares if this whole fic doesn't make sense? If you like it and wanna see another chapter. Please R&R
Love,
Jaded316