Withdrawing every day. Does anyone even notice? Doubt it. Probably think I'm PMSing again. Don't even notice that it's been over two months that I've joined in a conversation without being coerced. It's not like I was social to begin with, but you'd think someone would have asked if I was OK. They haven't. Doesn't matter anyway. I wouldn't tell them. But I would tell him if he asked. But he won't, doesn't. Too wrapped up in his world, I suppose. Thought I had a place there, but I guess I was wrong. You'd think being a CSI I would have known this. Would have seen that what I did or didn't do, aside from my job, didn't matter a bit to him Not one bit. Stupid!
How'd it get to this? Time. Time did it. Day after day, night after night, wondering if he'd ever get a clue. He doesn't even see me. Doesn't see ME. Me, Sara, the human being. He sees the CSI, the employee. Doesn't see ME. I could disappear and who would even notice? Well, I guess the workload would be a little more for the rest, but other than that? No one would give a rat's ass. Oh, they'd make like they cared, but honestly, would they? Doubt it. I never fit in anyway. It's OK though. It's better this way.
I'm always over-speaking you.
I have always over-spoke him. It's kind of funny if you think about it. But it makes me cry. I can't even believe I said anything to him about it. It was totally unplanned. I just wanted the promotion to be given without bias. That's funny, don't you think? That he'd be biased toward me? He has no reason to be. Not that I didn't try to give him reason, mind you. He just didn't see it. Doesn't want to see it. Doesn't care even he did see it. Who knows?
Well, no matter. I'm done. I'm tired and can't sleep. But I will be able to rest soon.
Nick will do great things for them. He's a good guy. Compassionate, outgoing. He'll be what they want and more. More than I could ever be. Good for him. He deserves it, but I thought I did too. There can only be one winner and the winner take it all.
Good game, Nicky! Congratulations. It was fun while it lasted. But not really.
I put in for vacation time. Got a lot stored up because I never took any. Four weeks. Wonder if they will miss me? Doubt it. They will probably think 'Good for her. It's about time she took some time off.'
Grissom signed the request, no questions asked. He seemed happy for me. Didn't ask where I was going though. Guess he figured I'd be around in case of emergency, or that I would tell Catherine or Nick where I was going. Told Catherine I was going to Tahoe. Rented a cabin for a month. Complete solitude and restfulness awaited me there. She was happy for me too.
Almost there. Just got the keys from the rental office. The sun will be setting soon. I want one more sunset before I leave. To watch the sun breathe one more breath of life into the sky, coloring it a brilliant purple and then watch it slowly fade to black. It's a perfect evening for a perfect sunset.
My gun and badge lay on the table in the dining area.
I grab a glass from the cabinet, fill it with ice and take that and the bottle out the sliding glass door and sit on the deck. The sun will set soon. Just about 15 more minutes. I fill the glass with Crown Royal. My favorite. I sip and watch the sun start to slip down under the horizon. Orange and red hues fill the sky. I fish the small bottle from my jeans pocket, open it and shake out two tablets. They wash down easily, chased by the Crown. Memories start to dash into the forefront of my brain.
Since when have you been interested in beauty?
Since I met you.
Ah, Grissom. You should see this sunset. It's beyond beautiful.
I shake out two more tablets. The sky is pink now. They wash down just as easily as the first two.
My glass is empty. Have to refill it before the next color takes the stage.
Just in time for the purple twilight.
Two more pills, another sip.
The black of night is chasing the purple toward the ocean.
Two more pills, another sip.
The stars have come out to play.
Two more pills, another sip.
Time for a refill.
Would you like to have dinner – with me?
No.
That would hurt again, if I could feel anything.
Four more pills, another sip.
Show time is almost over. I'm getting sleepy. I don't want to leave here. Have to move inside. Clouds are rolling in anyway.
Two more pills, another sip.
I pull back the covers on the bed and slide between the sheets.
Two more pills, another sip.
Almost there.
Dizzy.
Sleepy.
One last effort to sit up.
Must finish this now.
3 more pills, another sip.
3 more pills, another sip.
The glass slides out of my hand and hits the floor, shattering.
I slide back down into the comforts of the blankets.
Shattered.