Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go and its characters obviously do not belong to me.
Enjoy the angsty lovey goodness. 3
Update 7/10/05: Rewrote some bits. It flows a bit better now...
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"Heart attack, huh?"
"And he was closest to the Hand of God."
"If only he'd been a little more careful about his health."
"But he seemed to be getting better..."
Rain pattered down on the soft summer grass. A light drizzle, nothing more, but it darkened the already-somber mood that had settled around the gathering of people at the grave.
The funeral was over already; people were starting to leave, murmuring quiet condolences to the family. Touya Akira and his mother stood in place, not moving, not speaking. Akira stared down at his father's grave in silence. He's... gone. He's really gone. His face showed nothing but calm collection, but inside he was screaming. Akira rarely allowed his emotions to break through- except in the case of Shindou Hikaru- and even now, he didn't allow himself to show the pain he was feeling. Let them think I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore.
The rain slowed, then stopped. The sun set on the two lone figures standing by Touya Kouyo's grave. Finally Akira looked up, his face expressionless, his eyes a dark green, and said, "Let's go, Mother." Akiko simply nodded, and they made their way to the street, where a taxi was waiting for them.
Akira was about to get in when footsteps fell behind him. "Touya, wait!" he heard. He turned. Shindou. Why? Why was he here now? Akira let his breath out in a sharp sigh. Hikaru bit his lip a little and said, "Um, Touya-san, do you guys need anything? Like... I don't know..."
Akira shook his head. "We're fi-" he started to say, but Akiko interrupted. "Shindou-kun, why don't you stay over?" Akira risked a glance at his mother, but she didn't catch it. Hikaru did, though, and his eyes darkened. "If you're sure..."
Akira simply turned and got in the car. After a moment's hesitation, Hikaru followed and sat in the back beside him. Akira gave the driver directions, and the cab pulled away from the curb and into traffic.
It had begun to rain again, heavier this time. Akira stared out the window as the rain sluiced against the glass, his thoughts a jumbled mess. It seemed that they would crowd against each other until he might explode from the pent-up emotion. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the window, the surface cool from the rain and oddly calming. Why? Why did this have to happen?
He felt his seat move a little. He ignored it. It moved a little more. And more. And more and more and...
Akira shot a murderous glare across the seat. Hikaru, being himself, couldn't hold still, and was jouncing his leg on the seat. "Shindou!" Akira hissed. "Can't you be still for five minutes!"
Hikaru gave him a wounded look. "What?"
"What do you think? Keep your leg still!"
Hikaru stopped bouncing his leg, but soon he started tapping his nails on the window ledge. Akira clenched his hands into fists until the nails dug harshly into his palms. "Shin. Dou. Hikaru," he almost snarled. "HOLD STILL."
Hikaru returned the glare. "I don't see why moving a tiny bit is such a big deal to you! It never bothered you before; why n... oh." A slight flush crept across his cheeks as Akira's eyes turned cold. "Well, anyway, your mother asked me to come!"
To this Akira only turned back to the window. Hikaru, to his credit, stayed still the rest of the ride.
Finally, the cab pulled up to the house. Akira paid the driver, and he drove off into the night, tires squeaking a little against the wet pavement. They entered the house, and he automatically started to call "Tadaima..." but then remembered that he and his mother were now the only ones there. His eyes burned suddenly, but he fought it back. Even though he was home, he couldn't cry in front of Shindou. Touya Akira did not cry. He was strong.
At least, that was his image...
Akira's mother touched Hikaru briefly on the shoulder. "Shindou-kun, do you need anything?" He only shook his head, and Akira said to her, "Mother, get some rest. You need it." Akiko smiled softly against the glimmer of tears in her eyes and nodded. After she had gone to her room, Akira turned to Hikaru. "Do you need anything? Something to eat? Drink?" He only shook his head, and Akira started to turn away. "Touya..."
He looked back. Hikaru was watching him with... what? Pity? Sadness? Akira wasn't sure, but he did know that he didn't want Hikaru looking at him like that. He'd had enough of that today, and he wasn't sure he could handle it from his rival. "What?"
Hikaru reached out as if to touch Akira, but his hand fell back to his side. "Are... are you okay?"
Was he okay? Was Shindou dense? No, he was not okay, had not been okay, WOULD not be okay, not for a long, long time. Akira was about to snap back at him, but suddenly felt tired, so tired. The apathetic attitude he'd maintained all day seemed to be disintegrating around him, but he wouldn't break down in front of Hikaru. Instead of giving a harsh retort, he only said, "I'm fine," and went down the hallway to get the guest room ready. "Come with me; you'll be sleeping here tonight."
Akira got the mats and futon arranged, and as soon as he saw that Hikaru was okay for the night, left the room. He had meant to go back to his own room, but he passed his door and found himself instead in the room where he and his father had always played Go together.
As if in a trance, he knelt in front of the goban and removed the go ke. He sat unmoving for what seemed like a long time. Outside, the crickets began to chirp, and an after-rain breeze blew through the grass. Akira's hand came up slowly... reached into the casket of stones, placed a stone on the board. Father... I want to play you. He began to lay out a game on the board, not thinking of where he was putting the stones, his mind completely taking over his hand. As the shape developed, in a corner of his mind he realized that he was playing out the last game he had played with Touya Kouyo. Father... did you ever find him? Did you ever find Sai?
The stones scattered, forgotten, as Akira gripped the edges of the goban in a white-knuckled grip, and for one of the few times in his life, he was crying. Why? he thought as tears fell onto the stones, dappling the wood of the board. Why did you leave us? His breath came in short gasps, his body shaking violently as he tried to hold back the tears that wouldn't stop. It... it hurts...
He heard a step in the doorway and his eyes flew open. He jerked his head around and... Hikaru was standing there. "Touya?" he said softly. Akira started to get up, but before he could do so much as twist his legs out from underneath him, Hikaru was there in front of him, down on his knees, enfolding Akira in a gentle embrace. Hands shaking a little, although whether from crying or shock or nervousness he didn't know, Akira tentatively returned the gesture. Shindou was warm in his arms, and he felt the pain coming back all over again, only stronger this time. The remaining barrier between his emotions and Hikaru fell and shattered, and he clutched at his rival as he began to weep, great wracking sobs that shook his whole body and drained him of any strength he might have had left. Hikaru held him tightly, hands caressing his back as he murmured softly that it was okay, okay, he was here and he always would be...
Eventually Akira's tears slowed, leaving him shuddering and breathing in uneven gasps. When he had finally quieted, Hikaru stayed in the same position, holding him close. They remained like that for a long time, Akira still and silent, Hikaru simply offering warmth and concern.
After a time, Akira stirred in Hikaru's arms. Slowly, he slipped out of the embrace and sat back. Hikaru looked at him and reached out to brush a stray strand of hair from Akira's face. He closed his eyes as Hikaru's fingers grazed his cheek, and he leaned against the touch. "Shindou..." he began, but Hikaru only shook his head. Akira looked at him, and was a little surprised to see an immense sadness in the boy's eyes. But before he could do anything more than register the emotion, Hikaru pulled Akira to him again, this time with Akira's head resting against his chest. His eyes closed, and he felt Hikaru gently stroking his hair, felt his lips lightly brush the top of his head. Akira laid his hand against Hikaru's shoulder, feeling the silky smoothness of his hair against his wrist. And he knew, with sudden surety, that this was where he belonged, this and nowhere else.
Father... even if you didn't find Sai... I will be okay. Not now, not for a long time, but I will be all right.
I've found who I was looking for.