A Joan by any other name would smell as sweet....
By Rosie
Dedication: to my darling Meals (Xanya-forever) not only did she help unglue my brain, she was my muse and my beta and she gave me a title. So I give her many slopping kisses and spanks.
Disclaimer; Sorry to disappoint but these characters do belong to me, they belong to Joss I'm just playing in his sand box…
A/N: Meals and Me are planing on doing many more of these AU parody's because we have our summer Holidays now. If you haven't already go check out Meals AU Parody. It's simply the most amusing this I have ever read.
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Joan Anne Summers was the most unpopular girl in school. She thought it was because she came from the wrong side of the tracks (which tracks Joan didn't know, as there were no trains in Sunnydale) and her main interest was cheese, but no-one had ever confirmed this, so Joan was left drifting in the dark to why she was so unpopular. It was a beautiful spring day and Joan was happy downing her fourth kilo of cheese on the way to school. Amazingly, Joan was still a slim girl even though cheese was her only food intake and she ate several hundred kilos a day. She was a good girl, she studied hard, helped frail old ladies across roads, volunteered her time at the youth center, teaching runaways about the importance of cheese.
Joan's only friend was a boy who liked cheese nearly as much as her. His name was Riley Finn and he was a corn feed Iowa boy who, when he wasn't having in-depth discussions with Joan about cheese, was telling her about the cows he kept in his shed to remind him of home. Joan was no stranger to farm animals. In fact, she was originally from New Zealand and had a thick accent, but she disliked cows on principle and she hated it when Riley started talking about his cows.
What she really liked (aside from cheese), was sheep. Her favourite movie was "Ten Things I Hate About You" because she could really identify with one of the characters. You know the one who is asked if he will go out with Kat, but wonders if there are any sheep? That's the one. Joan felt a strange kinship with him, something she had not felt with anyone else.... except for her pet sheep, that is. She put up with Riley only because he had such a way with words - he wrote excellent poetry, especially on the subject of flower arranging.
It was Tuesday morning when Joan ran across what she liked to call 'The Eight'. They were the most beautiful people in the whole of Sunnydale. They all hated Joan with a fiery passion. Joan almost swooned when the leader of 'The Eight,' Liam 'Angel' O'Connor spat on her shoe.
"He loves me almost as much as I love cheese!" Joan whispered with hope filled eyes.
Angel was your stereotypical dumb jock who couldn't string two words together if his life depended on it, but he was unbelievably good looking so no one cared. His best friend was William 'Spike' Giles. Spike was a hard core rocker with a mean streak, he loved to pull girls' hair and swing axes about. The love of his life, Betty 'Drusilla' Cambridge had recently cheated on him with an exchange student – Cha Osdemon from Brazil.
It was the sound of a pointed cough that got Joan out of her daze,
"S'use you, you're breathing my air, would you move your sears draped form over 3 States?"
Cordelia 'CC' Chase growled as she swung at Buffy with her new Gucci handbag. Buffy could feel a concussion coming on but she fought it off in time to see Fred 'Tacos' Burkle, Anya 'Mistress' Jenkins and Willow 'Red' Rosenberg laughing in a machine like manner.
"The value of a packet of condoms has varied inversely with its monetary value, which has led me to a decision. I may as well just go without when participating in sexual intercourse, unless my partner in copulation provides them."
Anya 'Mistress' Jenkins was the queen of random tactless sexual comments. Her favourite thing in the world was money closely followed by sex and it was all she talked about.
"Bored now"
Willow 'Red' Rosenberg was famous for her boredom. If she wasn't out maiming someone's social life, she was flicking matches at defenseless pets and if she wasn't doing either of these things she constantly complained of boredom.
Joan was a little scared of Willow 'Red' Rosenberg. It was something about the way she'd murdered four of her lambs, and, Joan suspected, eaten them for dinner. Then there was the tattoo on her neck of an upside pentacle with a goat's head on it, which everyone knows is the symbol of Baphomet.
Even though her fear was great Joan took a tiny step forward it was at this moment that Charles 'Shiny 'Gunn who was standing behind Fred 'Tacos' Burkle stuck his foot out and Joan went flying like a peas during a food fight.
"Why do you hate me so much?"
Joan cried from the ground. 'The Eight' loomed above her like massive bundles of broccoli. She would have fallen to her knees if she wasn't already sprawled on the ground.
"Is it because of my cheese fetish? Or the fact that I'm from the wrong side of the tracks?"
It was Cordelia 'CC' Chase's disgusted grunt that alerted Joan to the fact that she had said the wrong thing.
"Oh my Gawd! You are even more loserish then I thought! No one cares about your personality or your life style it's all in the name!"
Joan was completely confused. In every movie she had ever watched, personality and life style were everything and now Cordelia 'CC' Chase was telling her it wasn't. In her shocked state all Joan could mumble was,
"Name?"
"Yes name! God! You watch too many movies! We are cool because we have 'quotes' around our nicknames. Would William 'Spike' Giles be cool if he didn't have the ' ' around his name? No he would just be William Giles, and let's be honest, does that or does that not conjure up images of tweed and tea? Ewww!
"Watch it, pet, or I'll start with the railroad spikes!"
Cordelia 'CC' Chase just smirked before continuing
"And Willow 'Red' Rosenberg, can we say fashion disaster, she is not popular because of the clothes - she wears tight corsets - she's popular because of the ' ' nickname. Live in the now Joan!"
With a dignified huff, Cordelia 'CC' Chase stalked off, the rest of 'The Eight' following like ducklings.
And Joan was left alone on the side walk pondering her thoughts just like she'd seen beautiful characters on 'Passions' do many a time.
"So I'm unpopular because I don't have a ' ' nickname within my full name, and all I have to do to become popular is get a ' ' nickname! Now to find one… "
Joan wandered around the town for what seemed like hours, still muttering continually to herself
"I need to find a ' ' nickname and I need it now!"
People gave her strange looks but she didn't care. All she'd ever wanted in life was to eat cheese spend time with her sheep and become popular - now her life was finally on the way to being complete and all that stood in her way was the need for a ' ' nickname! It wasn't until she bumped into a young girl that she come out of her thought induced daze.
"Oh sorry I was deep in thought, thinking about a possible ' ' nickname."
The young girl sneered down at Joan (Joan hated her shortness. She was as short as Angel was good looking, as short as Spike's blue eyes were piercing, as short as two planks of wood cut in half and then in quarters).
"Oh you're one of those people without an ' ' nickname. God! You're everywhere!"
Interrupting the girl's whining rant, Joan asked
"What's yours? Your ' ' nickname I mean."
The girl paused before give an exasperated sigh.
"Nwad "Key" Summers."
With this, Nwad stomped off grabbing a handful of plastic jewelry from a display outside a shop as she went past. Joan started after her shaking her head before continuing her mumbled walk.
It struck like a flash of lighting on a stormy night. 'BUFFY!' It was so sudden that Joan almost fell flat on her face. It was perfect, as perfect as a slice of creamy blue vein cheese on hot bread, as perfect as Angel's brooding features.
Joan almost wept with relief. Falling down upon her knees she shouted with delight
"I NOW HAVE A ' ' NICKNAME!"
After so many years of being the most unpopular girl in school, Joan 'Buffy' Anne Summers was overwhelmed by the attention and affection she now got. She was instantly the most beautiful girl in school and 'The Eight' accepted her within their group. And she lived happy ever after as Joan 'Buffy' Anne Summers.