This is a song fic about Marco and his longings to be accepted--with everyone, including Spinner. For the first reviewer of my Ashley songfic Perfect, Genemi.

Disclaimer: "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva

Find It In Your Heart

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,

Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did

I brought my hands to my face and leaned back on the sofa. This math homework was just too exhausting. I'll do it tomorrow, i thought to myself. Plus my mind wasn't exactly on track.

It has not healed with time...

It just shot down my spine.

I took my binder and textbook off my lap and set them on the coffee table. I had been thinking lately. About me. And Spinner. And the rest of Degrassi. The ones who didn't know.

You look so beautiful tonight, Remind me how you laid us down,

And gently smiled, Before you destroyed my life...

I looked away with a sharp flick of my head. Thoughts swarmed into my brain. I could do this, then that, and get this and throw away that. But i definitely knew what i wanted. And from who.

Would you find it in your heart,

To make this go away,

And let me rest in pieces?

All i wanted was for Spinner to relax around me. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean i like him. He jsut doesn't understand.

Would you find it in your heart,

To make this go away,

And let me rest in pieces?

All i want is for Spinner to let it go and leave me alone. Be comfortable with it. Then it hit me. Its a bigger deal to me than i thought.

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,

You got much closer than I thought you did,

Then i started to grow infuriated. I'm no different! Im no different from anyone else! Im the same! Im the same! Those things i had tried so hard to pound into my head when i was first dealing with it all. Then i thought it was all better. I had friends who cared, knew, and understood--with respect. But was wrong.

I'm in your reach,

You held me in your hands...

I stood up, hurling the couch pillow at the statue shelf on the opposite side of the room, knocking 3 small porcelain ornaments to the floor and hearing them shatter. I thought i had it. Jimmy, the most. But i thought the other guys were cool with it, too. But obviously, Spinner wasn't/

But could you find it in your heart,

To make this go away,

And let me rest in pieces?

I didn't realize it but tears were running quickly down my red, hot face. They stung the small blemish on the right corner of my chin when they curved down my face. I punched my hand into the wall, creating a hole and losing the skin on my knuckles. I cried in pain.

Would you find it in your heart,

To make this go away,

And let me rest in pieces?

But why? Why did I care so much about what Spinner thought? I already admitted i didn't like him--to his face! Was i contradicting myself? Worry arousing inside me, i ran my hands nervously through my hair, i knew there was a simple, single, clear step to solve this all.

Could you find, could you find in your heart?

I logged on to Degrassi's Website and entered Student Shoutout.

Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces?

Marco is gay, I slowly typed. After pressing send, howled in terror. That's not what i wanted to do to make Spinner realize.

Could you find, could you find in your heart?

I ran to the kitchen, yelling to myself out loud about the past, who i hated, who i loved, searching for the bottle. I found the Ambien. Six pills. I headed out to the pool. Close your eyes, Marco, i thought. Everything went white as i let myself falls drowsily head-first into the deep end.

Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces?

*~*

Eh, its not as good as i hoped, but maybe I'll make another one in the future.

Review please!

NICOLE