Chapter 2
Harry's breathing seemed to cut off as he scanned the words, though his expression remained untouched. His mind was blank, his hands trembling. He ripped the parchment up, crumpling the pieces in his fist. He paused for a brief moment, scanning his brain for an acceptable excuse. "Just a note from Sirius," he laughed erratically as Ron and Hermione stared. He could feel their eyes burning straight through him, stabbing painfully at his chest. Still shaking, he accidentally scattered the parchment fragments on the floor.
Hermione suddenly stopped petting Hedwig and noticed the small beads of sweat forming in between Harry's bare chest. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously as he scrambled to dispose of the note. Scanning the floor, the words "Professor" and "meeting" jumped out before they, too, were quickly snatched from view. She couldn't help but feel a little letdown that she had been lied to. She had half-hoped it truly was a letter from Sirius, for she and Ron knew Harry really needed him right now.
Tossing her thoughts aside, she said, "Oh? How is he doing, then? Well, I hope?" She started debating on whether to call his bluff or not. She quickly glanced over at Ron for help, but he was already uncomfortably shifting around. He never could deal well with a problem involving emotions, unfortunately.
Throwing the now indecipherable letter into the fireplace, Harry slumped into the nearest chair and heaved a sigh, rubbing his scar thoughtfully. He wasn't used to nearly falling apart so easily. Leaving the Dursleys' sheltered (though miserable) lifestyle had been a big change over the years, but Harry had taken most of it in stride. With this year however, it became more difficult to keep a straight head about him. Too many things were flying at him at once; he knew he was an emotional time bomb ready to be lit by the first unsuspecting person.
Closing his eyes, he thought of Sirius, wondering when he could see his godfather's face again. "He's doing good. A bit stir-crazy as usual, but well," Harry lied, wishing the numbness would leave his knees. He had to go face Snape once again, alone, in that dark, dingy dungeon. His thoughts racing, he rubbed his bruised arm, remembering Snape's terrifying grip, his bared teeth…there was no escaping him. Not this time.
Hermione couldn't help but frown, realizing Harry didn't plan to willingly tell her and Ron his real dilemma. Worry started gnawing at her insides, and she made her decision. Speaking softly, she said, "Harry, it wasn't really Sirius, was it? Ever since Umbridge caught him in the fire he hasn't dared contacting you in the least. I'm not stupid."
Ron spoke up for the first time in minutes and said, "You're not yourself lately, Harry, and it's scaring me." He paused for a moment, biting his lip. "You barely eat, you toss and turn all night long…Harry, this has to be more than the O.W.L.S. and all the changes in school. It has to be."
"Wow, brilliant observation, Ron," Harry muttered, rolling his eyes. "It's really easy for you to say though, isn't it? It's easy to point the finger and assume, surely! It must be nice for you, only having to worry about the O.W.L.S. and Quidditch practice!! I wish that were the case for me! Don't pretend to act like you know, because you don't!" Harry's voice had become low and defensive, anger coursing through his veins once again.
Ron's mouth gaped open, completely lost for words. He looked over to Hermione, pleading with his eyes for help, but she just stared back at him.
The silence was deafening. The snaps and cracks in the fireplace sounded like rockets and fireworks being set off under close-range. Ron, still trying to find his voice, finally whispered, "If you'd tell us what's going on, we could help—"
"NO ONE CAN HELP ME WITH THIS! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! IF I HAD WANTED HELP I WOULD HAVE ASKED IN THE FIRST PLACE!! JUST BUTT OUT ALREADY!!" Harry yelled. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" He couldn't decide if this was really how he felt or not. Everything was consuming him, eating him to the bone. He couldn't stop himself even if he wanted to.
Hermione bit her lip and stood up from the couch. She calmly went over to Harry, leaned down in front of his chair and said in a quivering voice, "We're not leaving you, Harry. There's always been a way out of things for us. We've always—"
"I don't want your help. Don't you get it, Hermione? I'm so sick of…you can't always pull the answers from a book! Textbooks and quizzes will only get you so far in life," Harry murmured, quite callously, as though he thoroughly enjoyed it.
Hermione's once-caring expression transformed to a mixture of anger and shock. She glared at Harry, who slipped his face down in his hands. She had always been patient with Harry's outbursts, but this was too much. He had crossed the line of being "upset" to being downright hurtful. Grasping a handful of his thick, jet-black hair, she ripped his head up, getting full view of his face. Her jaw clenched, she drew her arm back and struck him. Not once, not twice, but three times, straight across the face.
Ron felt as though he had seen it all in slow motion. Before he even realized it, he had pulled Hermione away from Harry, holding her tightly in place. Her body shook beneath him as she tried in vain to keep what little composure she had left.
Harry's eyes were wide, staring at the floor…mouth slightly opened. What's…happened? he thought. His scalp was tingling, his cheeks burning. Hot tears rimming the lids of his eyes, Harry brought his gaze back up to Hermione.
"Don't take your problems out on us!!" Hermione cried, tears sliding down her face. "Not after all we've done!! Not after all we've been through!"
"She's right, Harry. You can't push us away and expect us to be okay with it. We've been through too much. Whatever it is, we'll help you through it, I promise," Ron said, still holding onto Hermione as if any movement in the room might cause another outburst.
Hermione gently pulled away from Ron and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her robes. "I'm sorry, Harry. I know I shouldn't have slapped you, I just…."
Harry said nothing, but stared at his feet, his vision blurry. Swallowing his hurt pride (and pushing back his non-shed tears), he slowly croaked, "I'm sorry, I just… it's just… it's not easy right now."
"We know that," Ron said softly, the knot in his stomach loosening. Feeling it safe now, he took a seat beside Harry, and Hermione kneeled on the floor in front of them.
"Oh, Harry…I couldn't even begin to deal with what you have this past year. I'm not nearly as strong as you are," Hermione added sadly. "If I could—if we could—take some of it away, we would. Please, believe us Harry."
"I quit Occlumency," Harry rushed out. Saying those words brought another wave of tears to the rims of his eyes, and he swallowed hard. He couldn't help but feel the disappointment around him, everywhere…one after another, it seemed.
"Why?!" the two exclaimed together.
"It's just too hard," Harry said quietly, and it wasn't exactly a lie. Having someone you loathe poke through your mind, viewing your most private memories…
"There's obviously more to it than that," Hermione replied. "I've never seen you intimidated by Snape before. We've all been a little scared of him, but never truly intimidated. Not like this."
"I'm not intimidated," he said, his face reddening. "That greasy git does not intimidate me." Harry felt all the anger and guilt rushing back, overpowering his insides. "I 'quit' because Snape threw me out!" He didn't even feel there was a word to describe it all. Guilt and anger, topped with a sad realization, combined with loneliness and letdown, how could it be defined as one emotion?
Ron's mouth dropped open slightly, eyes as wide as galleons. "Bloody hell, Harry! What did you do?! I know you two don't exactly like each other, but I thought these lessons were really important?"
"So is pride," Harry sighed, "and I think I ruined his." He knowingly forgot to mention his own ego had been slashed considerably, as well.
Hermione raised an eyebrow very curiously and said, "How did you manage that? I really doubt Sna—"
"I was poking around where I shouldn't have been, as usual," Harry cut in. "Snape caught me looking through some things and said he'd had enough."
Ron's lips were spread in an evil grin. He hadn't noticed Harry's comfort level had significantly dropped with his last statement. "Come on, it must have been really good! I wish I had been there to see it!"
Hermione had, however, seen Harry's expression of shame change to near pain. Biting her lip she quickly said, "How about we finish this tomorrow? It's really late, and we still have a lot of studying to do."
Ron scowled at her. "Hermione, first you tell Harry he should talk to us more, and now that he is, you'd rather go to sleep?"
"Don't be so thick!" she scolded. "Ron, it's not easy for Harry, just look at him!!" She couldn't believe how ignorant he could be at times, especially dealing with feelings. Soon, she and Ron were into another full-fledged argument.
Harry sighed, tuning out their fighting, and sat down at a table with Hedwig. He ran his hand over the top of her head gently, moving down to her tail feathers. "I'm sorry I've been ignoring you lately. I need to get my head out of my ass, don't I?"
She nipped his finger roughly, but not so that Harry didn't know she still cared. She pressed her head against his chest as he kissed her forehead and apologized again.
"If you come to the Great Hall for breakfast tomorrow I promise to give you all the toast you want," he whispered as Ron smacked Hermione with one of the couch's heavy pillows. "You know what scares me, Hedwig?"
She hooted softly, coaxing him to continue. Hedwig knew all his secrets…all the things he couldn't tell Ron and Hermione, as much as he loved them. She had always been there to talk to Harry, even if the rest of the world was gone. Though Harry had shunned her off as of late, even an owl knows people make mistakes and need forgiveness.
"I'm scared because everything I've held true about my father was a lie. I could always look up to my father, even though he's dead. Even though he's dead, I was told he was such a great man and one to be proud of, but I…."
His voice had grown so soft he could no longer use it. His eyes were aching to release their long-held tears. He swallowed hard, his hand never leaving Hedwig, who still had her head buried into his chest. He glanced over at his friends again. They were still yelling at each other, but Harry didn't have the energy to focus on their words. The right corner of his mouth turned upward slightly as Hermione knocked Ron to the floor and did a victory pose.
Their bickering stopped abruptly, though, upon seeing Harry's expression. His eyes had grown red and glazed over, his eyebrows furrowed. They both rushed over to the tablet, eyes focused on their disheartened friend.
"Oh, Harry…" Hermione whispered, hesitating a moment before putting her arms around his shoulders. "It's okay…"
Harry's loneliness seemed to rush back into the core of his heart. When had he last been hugged? Was it when Mrs. Weasley held him after Cedric's passing? It seemed just like yesterday. Why was time passing so slowly? Shutting his eyes tightly he graciously accepted Hermione's embrace, trying to block out the pain once again.
Ron's feet were shifting uncomfortably. "Er—let's go outside. I'll go get the invisibility cloak and we'll go get some fresh air. It'll get your mind off of things, Harry!" He darted off for the dormitories to find Harry's trunk. Grabbing the shiny, silky cloak he tiptoed back out of the room and made his way back to the common room. "Here… Just for tonight, we'll do our own thing," he smiled.