CHAPTER SEVEN

The Incredible Scariness of Author Lady's Mind.

"YOU!!!"

Hiei and the others stopped dead. Kuwabara was sitting on the front porch of Shadow's house.

"YOU!!!" Kuwabara repeated, pointing at Hiei.

"What do you want, baka?"

"YOU'RE... YOU'RE... YUKINA'S... YOU..."

Hiei was alarmed by the two words Kuwabara had managed to string together.

"What?! What about Yukina?"

"You're... Yukina's... b... br... You're Yukina's... No way."

"SPIT IT THE HELL OUT ALREADY, BAKA!!!"

"YOU'RE YUKINA'S BROTHER!"

Hiei's eyes started glowing. Everybody instantly backed away.

"Kuwabara."

"You... You're... You're..."

"Shut up. If you tell ANYONE about this. ANYONE. You will die."

"I already told Yukina."

Hiei let out a furious yell. He tore off his headband and pointed the palm of his right hand at Kuwabara.

"Jaou..."

"HIEI! NO DRAGON!"

"...KOKURYU-HA!!!"

Kuwabara had taken off running at the word 'Jaou,' but he was so stupid he was running in a straight line away. The dragon shot after Kuwabara.

It got closer...

And closer...

And closer...

Until Kuwabara promptly fell in an open manhole in the street and the dragon passed straight over him. Hiei let out a string of curses and called the dragon back.

"Damn... baka... kuso... F***ing little piece of motherf***ing..." Hiei mumbled, stomping towards the hole. Luckily for Hiei, the cover was nearby. He grabbed it and dropped it onto the hole, closing it up with Kuwabara still inside.

"Hiei! You'll kill him!" Kurama said, horrified.

"THAT'S THE POINT!"

"Hey, that's one more head for my collection! Food for my weasels! Get him out! I want to behead him and feed his body to the weasels! Hiei! Please?!" Shadow begged. She really had every intention of doing all that, too.

"Shadow!"

"Let me out!" Kuwabara's screams could be heard from underground. "It's dark in here! It's scary! I can't... see!!! AH! SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG. LET ME OUT!"

"GO TO HELL!" Hiei screamed.

"Hiei! Please! He's so fat it would feed the weasels for weeks! I could cut off his head before I give them the body, and they wouldn't be scared of it!"

"You guys can't kill Kuwabara! Let him out!"

Hiei was standing on the cover now, so they had no hope of getting Kuwabara out that way.

"HIEI, I WANT TO FEED HIM TO THE WEASELS! PLEASE?"

"NO! SHUT UP! THAT'S TOO FAST! HE NEEDS TO SUFFER!" Hiei screamed. Shadow fell over backwards.

"Yes sir."

"YOU CAN'T. KILL. KUWABARA!!!" Kurama screamed. "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!"

"GUYS! PLEASE! I SWEAR TO GOD THERE'S SOMETHING ALIVE DOWN HERE! AND I DON'T MEAN ME! IT'S TOUCHING ME!!!"

"It's probably Karasu," Shadow muttered.

"HELP ME, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING AGAIN! ARE YOU GUYS STILL THERE?! EW! AHHHHH! BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!!!"

"He's literally screaming bloody murder? Oh, dear God," Shadow said.

"BLOOOOOOOODY MUUUURRRRRRRDDDERRRRRRRRRRRR!!! IT'S TOUCHING ME! IT'S TOUCHING ME! IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME! AH! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE! LET ME GO! AHHHH! BLOODY MURDER! HOLY F***ING GOD! LET GO! AHHHHHHH!!!"

Hiei had an evil smile on his face.

"This is great."

"NO IT'S NOT! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HIM!" Kurama yelled.

"THAT'S THE POINT, LIKE I ALREADY SAID! SHUT UP, BAKA FOX, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE TOO! I'M SURE THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO DOWN THERE!"

"Yeah, with the leg-touching creature and Kuwabara," Shadow said. Kurama bit his bottom lip.

"I had no part in this," he said, walking away. Yusuke had broken off from the group and gone home as soon as they got back to town, so now Kuwabara was left with three people who had no intention of saving his life. Mai had gone with Yusuke.

Not like it mattered where Mai went. She had to go. Away. Soon.

"IT'S TOUCHING MY @$$!!! GUYS! ARE YOU STILL THERE? IT'S TOUCHING ME! HOLY GOD, I WANT IT TO STOP! MOMMY!!! I WANT MY KITTY!!! I WANT MY TALKING KEN DOLL!!!"

"Ken doll? Isn't that a male Barbie?" Shadow asked. Eclipse nodded.

"Oh, god. That's frightening to the nth degree," Hiei muttered. "Kuwabaka wants a male Barbie? He probably sleeps with it."

"Heh. Yeah. AUGH! THAT'S SCARY! HOLY GOD!"

"IT'S TOUCHING ME! IT'S--- Ooohh... That felt good..." Kuwabara's voice got quiet at the last part. Shadow, Eclipse, and Hiei looked horrified. A strange array of noises came from under the street. Hiei leaped off the cover and stood behind Shadow and Eclipse.

"I have a feeling that something we don't want to know about is happening," Hiei muttered.

"Yeah, no kidding. I'm going home," Shadow said. She tore off down the street like she was being shot at. Eclipse followed. After a second's hesitation, Hiei took off too.

Eventually, Kuwabara got out and found his way home. Nobody ever found out what those... er... questionable noises had been. Shadow suspected Karasu. How he would have gotten under the street outside her house, she didn't know, but she didn't know of any official sewer dwellers, and besides, Kuwabara had said it was dark and he couldn't see, so maybe Karasu hadn't seen that he was sexually molesting Kuwabara, not Kurama.

"So... what ever happened to Mai?" Hiei asked.

"Mai? Oh, that little short girl who thought you were her father... Got all covered in mud... Annoyed the living hell out of all of us?" Shadow said.

"Uh. Yeah."

"I don't know!"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. She went with Yusuke after we got back, so why the hell are you asking me?" Shadow asked.

"Good point." Hiei walked out the door.

About twenty minutes later at Yusuke's house, Hiei asked the boy the same question he'd asked Shadow.

"Mai? She left. She left me a note saying that she'd decided to go home. Where ever the hell her home is. She didn't say," Yusuke answered.

"Oh. Well isn't that interesting. Bye," Hiei said. He vanished out the window.

Only Shadow knew what had really happened to Mai.

Only Shadow knew where Mai was.

Mai was dead. Her head was impaled on a stick in

***The scene gets all crumpled up like a ball of paper and a giant hand picks it up and hurls it across Kentucky. (Why Kentucky? I'm not in Kentucky. Wow. That's strange.)

GIRL: DAMN. Mai is not dead. She left and went back home, okay?

SHADOW: Why are you making all these mistakes? That's the third time in this story! I must protest.

GIRL: Well sor-ry, you fictional character! Should I bow down and kiss your damn feet?

SHADOW: NO KISSING OF FEET! THAT'S SO UNSANITARY!

GIRL: Shut up. I'll make mistakes if I want to. *pulls a bottle out of the inside of her coat and chugs the whole thing*

SHADOW: Are you drunk?!

GIRL: No! It's cream soda, you idiot!

HIEI: But you don't like cream soda. You're drunk.

GIRL: AM NOT!

SHADOW: Well, it would explain the mistakes.

GIRL: I'm not drunk! It was Mello Yello! A Coke product! Drink Coca Cola! It's just that the color of the glass bottle made it look like beer!

HIEI: Sure, sure. *grabs the bottle* Oh hey, whaddaya know? She knows what she's talking about.

GIRL: OF COURSE I DO, FICTIONAL CHARACTER! I'M THE AUTHOR!

HIEI: I'M NOT FICTIONAL!

GIRL: YES YOU ARE!

HIEI: THEN HOW AM I RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU TALKING TO YOU?!

GIRL: Good point. I'll ponder that later. Right now there's a person or two waiting for the story to continue.

SHADOW: MORE INCONSISTENCIES! You said it was cream soda, then you said it was Mello Yello. Which is it?

*The girl kills Shadow and mangles her dead body*

Back to the story! Where, due to the amazing powers of the author, Shadow is not dead!!***

So, Mai went back home. Kuwabara went back home. Hiei, hating himself all the while, erased Yukina's memory of knowing about him being her brother. Then, not hating himself all the while, Hiei blocked all of Kuwabara's memories of everything except the sexual molestation (it looks like mole station. Is molestation a word?!) in the sewer the other day. What a place for sexually molesting an ugly 15-year-old boy.

"I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING! ALL I REMEMBER IS THE FEELING OF SOMETHING TOUCHING MY---"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Hiei screamed, covering his ears. "I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT! MY VIRGIN EARS!"

"Are you really a virgin?" Shadow asked.

"You'd like to know, wouldn't you."

"Yes. Why else would I ask?"

"For your information, it's none of your business," Hiei replied.

"I bet you aren't."

"No, I'm not, but at least I'm not as un-virgin as Kurama. Slut of the Makai."

"Hey! I resent that! That's Youko!" Kurama retorted.

"So?"

"It touched my leg... Then it touched farther up on my leg... Until it finally--" Kuwabara was still remembering his encounter with the thing in the sewer.

"HELLO! VIRGIN EARS!" Shadow screamed.

"How about you, Shadow? Are you really a virgin?"

"I'm 15. Do you think you know the answer to that?"

"Yes?"

"Yes, I am a virgin, I'M FIFTEEN FREAKING YEARS OLD, HIEI, AND I'M A NORMAL FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD, NOT ONE OF THOSE LOUSY SLUTS WHO GOES AND GETS PREGNANT AND HAS A BABY BY THIS AGE!!!"

"OKAY, WELL I WASN'T IMPLYING THAT YOU WERE!"

"GOOD!"

"Then, it touched my--" Kuwabara was saying.

"HEY!"

"And my--"

"SHUT UP!!!"

"And it--"

"SHUT UP! POOR VIRGIN EARS DO NOT NEED TO HEAR SUCH VULGAR DISGUSTINGNESS!!!" Kurama screamed. Everybody stared at him. "I was talking about Shadow, of course."

"Of course."

"So, Shadow, who do you want to be your first partner?" Kurama asked.

Boom.

"THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, FOX!" Shadow screamed. "I KNOW THAT WAS YOUKO ASKING THAT! TRANSFORM, KURAMA, I WANT REVENGE!!!"

"Transform? But... I don't think I want to put Youko in that much danger..."

"TRANSFORM!!! NOW, BEFORE I DRAG YOUR SOUL OUT OF YOUR BODY AND BURN IT!!!"

"Okay..."

Poosh. Youko appeared.

"Poosh? I don't like to think of it as poosh. That's a stupid word. Where the hell did you come up with that word?"

***GIRL: DO NOT QUESTION THE AUTHOR'S CHOICE OF WORDS, YOU FICTIONAL CHARACTER! IF YOU QUESTION THE AUTHOR'S CHOICE OF WORDS, IT COULD ALWAYS BE 'POOF' AND YOU DISAPPEAR!!!***

"No, no, I'm quite fine with poosh, if you want to put it that way," Youko said, holding up his hands in surrender.

"DIE, YOU POOSH!!!" Shadow screamed, tackling the fox.

Hiei watched anxiously, hoping Youko didn't get murdered.

"Then... Then... It reached down my--" Kuwabara was still going on. Hiei, getting sick of it, spun around and punched Kuwabara in the face. The human fell over, swirly eyed and unconscious.

"POOSH!"

"SHUT UP!"

"POOSH! YOU DARE TO ASK SUCH A SICK QUESTION OF ME?"

"YES, I DARE! I'LL ASK AGAIN, TOO! WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE YOUR--- OWWWWWW!!!"

"SHUT UP, POOSH!"

"MAKE ME!"

"I WILL!"

"LIKE YOU CAN DO ANY DAMAGE!"

"YOU WANNA BET?"

"YES!"

"TWENTY BUCKS!"

"FINE!"

"HA!"

"OW! GOD, THAT HURT! LOOK, IT'S BLEEDING!"

"I DID DAMAGE! YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS!"

"ALL YOU DID WAS BITE ME!"

"SO? IT'S BLEEDING, ISN'T IT?"

"THAT'S SICK! YES IT IS! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FANGS LIKE THAT!"

"TOO BAD! I DO! GIMME MY MONEY!"

"NO!"

Pow.

"OUCH!"

"MONEY!"

"NO!"

Thud.

"OW!"

"MONEY!"

"NO!"

Crack.

"AGH!"

"MONEY!"

"NO!"

Whack.

"OWWW!"

"MONEY!"

"NO!"

Thwack.

Needless to say, this went on for quite a while.

Eventually, Shadow got her $20 from Youko. Hiei finally unblocked Kuwabara's memories, except that he erased the memory of the little discovery about Yukina.

They all lived happily ever after.

Owari.

***HIEI: Happily ever after?

GIRL: Well how the heck did you think it should end?

HIEI: Not with 'happily ever after,' that's for sure.

GIRL: Shut up, you. I'll erase you.

HIEI: Bye! *leaves*

GIRL: OWARI! Now leave me alone.***