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Acknowledgements: First and foremost, thanks skripka2 for the excellent, excellent beta. Any mistakes that remain are because I'm a stubborn bitca. Thanks also to skripka2 for posting the original link to Zompist, to Shanna Marie for proposing a fic challenge and Ailine for assigning me my line. The line "shut up and deal" is taken from "The Apartment" (1961) by Billy Wilder and "Ni xiang zhuan qian ma?" is from the Chinese phrasebook at Zompist. The transliteration of qingwa cao de liumang is courtesy hcwoodward. All other Chinese phrases are from the transcripts at "Whoa. Good Myth."
Notes: At the time I wrote this, I had not yet seen the episodes that didn't air in the U.S. Therefore, it is spoiler free for those eps. I wrote this for a challenge. My challenge was for Mal to say "Ni xiang zhuan qian ma?" (Do you want to make money fast?)
Tah-mah-duh hundan: fucking bastard
bao-bei: baby, sweetheart
luh suh: crap
Go se: shit
Simon drifted on the edge of sleep, his exhaustion finally starting to overcome his thoughts. "... spend some time violatin' the little mechanic I got trussed-up in the engine room."
He startled fully awake. Just my leg, he thought. The medication has worn off. Simon rose from the bed and stood, stumbling when his left leg refused to bear its share of the weight. Hobbling towards the counter, he whispered a prayer of thanks for the ghostly blue backup lighting in the infirmary. The light switch was not only far away, but in the opposite direction from the acetaminophen. He swallowed the medication, knowing it would be awhile before the throbbing stopped. He frowned. Throbbing could be a sign of infection. Supporting himself against the counter, he peeled his bandages back slowly. Though there was a little redness around the stitches it was nothing his body couldn't fight off on its own given adequate rest. Simon looked at the infirmary with distaste. He ought to stay where he could easily get to his supplies if necessary. Yet, Simon knew he'd be more comfortable in his own bed.
His own bed. How had it become "his" so quickly? Simon had meant it when he told Kaylee that the hospital was home. But to save River he had left Capital City without a backward glance. At the thought of leaving Serenity, a wave of nausea swept through him. He gasped and leaned against the counter, resting his weight on his hands. It's just my wound, he thought. "She will die weeping if you cross me." He heard Early's voice echo in his head again. More than a bullet hole was bothering him. He took a deep breath and straightened. He didn't want to leave Serenity. But he would. Simon always did the right thing. He grabbed some more doses of medication. For as long as he could he was going to sleep in his own bed. Bracing himself against the wall, he began to limp slowly along the corridor. ----- "Doc," Mal said. "I thought I'd find you in the infirmary." Simon lifted his head, cracking it against a rather hard object. "Ow," two voices exclaimed together.
Simon blinked and blearily opened his eyes. Mal was standing next to the bed, holding his head. Simon sat up, gasping at the pain in his leg and head. "Is it River?" he asked.
Mal reached out and firmly pushed Simon back onto the bed. "River's fine. Shepherd made some breakfast. Thought you might want some. Didn't mean to startle you." He sat a tray down. Simon yawned and lifted the bandages over his wound. The redness was already almost gone. "Shouldn't you be in the infirmary?" Mal asked. Simon shrugged, not knowing how to explain. Mal eyed him for a moment. "You look to be in pretty good shape," he said. "I expect you're a fast healer."
Simon followed Mal's eyeline and blushed. He'd forgotten he was in his underwear. He grabbed a blanket and pulled it over his lap. "Thank you," he said. Mal cocked one eyebrow. "For breakfast, I mean."
"You're welcome." Mal started to leave.
"Mal?" The captain turned back around. "That moon we're headed to: Is it a good place to drop off River and me?"
Mal ran his fingers through his hair. "I should have said something yesterday," he muttered. "I'm not planning on making you leave."
Simon picked up a pair of chopsticks. "I know," he said. He remembered to smile up at Mal. "I knew that." He took a bite of protein, chewed, swallowed. "I'm grateful for everything you've done for us, but it's time to move on."
Mal shifted uneasily, finally crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Are you worried that we can't protect you?"
Simon laughed. It didn't sound quite right, but he hoped Mal wouldn't notice. "I don't think we're the ones who need protecting. Since we've been here Kaylee's been shot, Book's been knocked unconscious twice and Jayne's been arrested."
"Well that ain't exactly ..."
Simon wasn't listening. His chopsticks jabbed at the breakfast. "He tied her up, Mal, and he told me that if I didn't help him, he'd go back and rape her."
"Tah-mah-duh hundan." Mal's hands clenched and a muscle in his jaw twitched. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. He sat down on the bed next to Simon. "Still and all, he's dead."
"He won't be the last." Simon gave up the pretence of eating and put his chopsticks down. "You said we were a danger."
"Might," Mal said. "I said might and I was talking about River. I was wrong, anyhow."
"No," Simon said. He couldn't look into Mal's eyes, only inches from his own. "You were right. I couldn't take it if someone got hurt, really hurt, because of us. It's time for us to go." He reached next to the bed for his pants. He couldn't keep conversing like this. "We'll be fine. Nothing's changed. I always knew that we'd be on our own."
Mal stood and hooked his thumbs in his belt. "You're better off staying," he said. "And we're better off with you here. It wasn't you that cut my ear off, but it was you that put it back. It wasn't River that had Kaylee pinned down either, but it sure was River that saved her."
Simon willed his body to behave and stood. He looked straight into Mal's eyes with all the weight of the Tams behind him. "Is it a good place, Mal?"
Mal looked back, hard. Simon met his gaze. "No," Mal said finally. "That moon we're heading to ain't no place for you to be dropped off. After this job is over, we can go somewhere decent, if you haven't changed your mind."
"I won't change it, Mal," Simon said.
Mal nodded and headed toward the door. "Get some rest ... Simon." ----- "Hey, Simon. How's the leg?" Kaylee bounded into his room.
He didn't want to look at her. Didn't want to be reminded of things he couldn't have. "It's fine." Simon picked up a few more books and packed them away.
"You're packing?" She grabbed his hand. Trapped. He couldn't avoid seeing her. "Don't do that," she exclaimed. "I'll talk to Mal. He'll see-"
"It wasn't Mal," Simon explained. Her face was so full of light. "He would have let us stay." He shook himself. He was packing for a reason. Simon pulled his hand away.
Kaylee stepped back. "Then why?"
He heard it again. "... violatin' the little mechanic I got trussed-up ..." Simon swallowed and turned away. "It's not safe." He thumped the bag in frustration. Why wasn't his stuff fitting?
Kaylee flinched. "Because I told Early where River was?" Simon turned toward her. Kaylee's eyes shimmered. He reached out to comfort her, but drew his hand back. He was leaving. He didn't have the right to touch her.
"No, bao-bei," he said. He leaned forward and held her gaze. "This is not your fault. You did the right thing." Kaylee bit her lip and Simon could tell she wasn't convinced. "If one bounty hunter can figure out that we're on Serenity so can another," he said.
Kaylee stepped forward, wrapping her arms around him. Simon didn't have the will to pull away so he let himself stand unmoving in her embrace. She laid her head against his chest. "We can help," she said. "We did help. If you were on another ship, River'd be in alliance hands. Would have been for a long time now. They'd turn you in." Simon had no answer to that so he returned the hug, holding her close while he could. Kaylee looked up at him, her impossibly wide eyes pleading as tears cascaded down her cheeks. "Don't you want to stay?"
It would be easy to say yes, Simon thought, but he wasn't that far gone. He still knew what was appropriate. Holding her wasn't fair. He let her go gently and stepped back. Incisions should be clean and sharp and final. "River and I don't belong here," he said. "We don't belong on this piece of luh suh."
Kaylee jerked. "Luh suh?" she said. She straightened her shoulders and wiped her tears. "I got work to do. Sorry I disturbed your packing."
Simon stood there for a long time after she was gone. There was a damp spot on his shirt from her tears. He pulled a vest on to cover it. He could use the extra layer. There seemed to be something wrong with the temperature controls. He was cold. ----- River had not been happy. She had fallen to a floor with a thump. Simon was sure she intended to stay there until he gave up the idea of leaving. He had been firm even when she told him that he couldn't make decisions for her. She had argued, cursed, threatened, called him a coward, a liar. In the end, he played the guilt card. "I've been shot once," he said. "I'd prefer not to be ever again." She had been eerily quiet for a long time. Long enough for Simon to contemplate changing his mind.
Finally, she looked up at him. "You found me broken," she said. "And now you're breaking too." She got up and ran out.
He knew he should go after her. Look after her. Who knew what she would do in this frame of mind? But he was tired, too tired. So he just kept packing. ----- "It seems to be my day for visitors," Simon said when Inara knocked softly on the doorway. Everything that wouldn't be needed over the next few days was packed. He sat on the bed, listening to nothing.
"River has crawled into one of the cargo-hides and is refusing to come out." Simon started to get up. "Stay," Inara commanded. "Zoe's dealing with it." Simon felt stretched too thin to argue. Inara noticed. "Is your leg still in pain?" Simon nodded. It was as good an excuse as any for the sick feeling in his stomach. "Good." Simon's eyes widened. "Mal is stomping around snapping at everyone, Kaylee is sobbing in the engine room and the only thing I can get out of either of them is that you've decided to leave." Simon put a hand to his head. He just wanted to sleep. Without dreams. "Simon, what's going on?" Inara said.
"It's safer," he said. He realized he had forgotten to make the bed.
"Go se," Inara spat. Simon paused. "River is better off on this ship and you know it."
Why couldn't everyone just leave him alone? He yanked at the bedclothes, but they refused to settle into wrinkle-free perfection. "That bounty hunter could have killed someone. I don't know what information is out there, but that bounty hunter was pretty confident. It wasn't stupidity or recklessness either. He knew enough about the kind of trouble he could get into messing with a companion that he waited to check your shuttle until last. Then he hit you without a second of hesitation." Inara flinched, touching her lip. It was still a little tender. "I went with him because he said he'd rape Kaylee if I didn't, and I believed him. It was easy to choose Kaylee's safety, because getting myself killed and Kaylee raped wasn't going to help River. But the next time ..." His voice broke. Giving up on the bed, he leaned against the wall, tilting his head back. "The next time somebody comes along and makes me choose, it won't be that easy. If I ever really had to choose between Kaylee and River, I'd have to choose River. I made my choice when I took her out of the place."
Inara shook her head. "Simon, you can't keep everyone safe. You don't have that kind of power. You certainly can't control the actions of others. If something had happened, it wouldn't have been your fault."
"Have you seen the way Kaylee looks at me? I'll hurt her," Simon gritted bitterly. "I won't mean to, but I'll have to. This is my last chance to do what's right for Kaylee ... for all of you. I'm taking it. Even if it makes things a little harder on me and River."
"It's not your place to keep us safe. You can't make decisions for other people."
"You sound like River."
"She's a sensible young woman."
"No. She's a paranoid schizophrenic, possibly as a side effect of being made into a psychic assasin." He gestured to the door. "I've got things to do," he said.