The Dance We Do
By: Emily
Authors Notes: See bottom =)
Disclaimer: Yup, I own them, that's why I'm sitting here writing this with no life. –rolls eyes- Like you believed me.
Rating: PG-13… who knows what later chapters will bring J
***
One, two, three, four.
The dance the steps we know all so well.
Five, six, seven, eight.
The dance we do. You and me. Nothing has changed. You come to me, I move away. I go to you, you move away. The beat never stops… no errors, no mistakes. Tears shed methodically, laughs move in on cue. We stay in the same song, dancing and never stopping.
How do I break the movement? How do I stop the pattern? I don't want to stay on beat. I don't want to live like this. I just want to stay there inside your embrace, inhaling your scent and staring down in the deep, coffee colored oasis of your eyes. I want the tears to come aimlessly, never knowing when it will happen.
I want you to move and for me to stay. Sleeping peacefully in your hold, seeing the moon illuminate the room with rays of silver that line your floor, creating mysterious shadows. Yet somehow I find myself in an empty, dark room. No shadows. No light. Just pitch black with me thinking of you.
It's part of the dance.
It never ends.
And were stuck. I'm scared. You're frustrated. I hide away in a place unknown even to me, a place deep inside the remnants of my mind. My feelings inside are like a message in a bottle… waiting to be found, waiting to be discovered. But hope crashes when I lay there with nothing to spill out to. I sit there and nothing occurs, I'm just trapped.
Will it ever end?
Can I look out of the window and see golden rays of the sun reaching out through patches of the cotton clouds? Will the pastel colored flowers glow in the sunlight while the trees blanket over the moss? I don't know if I will ever be able to see such a vision, because all I see is either black and white. The in between is gray. It is that simple, never a speck of color.
***
Once again, in self defense
I won't sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you...
***
A message appears in taped to my locker at work. My fingers delicately take it off, not wanting to rip or shred it… it could be from you, I want to savor it. I know it's not from you. It's not possible, you're there. I'm here.
The darkness from the cold and dreary night fills the lounge. The sound of sharp raindrops fall upon the window hitting it as a shrill. I carefully open the note and read what is inside.
Abby,
Please keep on your cell tonight. Yet another blind date I agreed to, when do I learn?
Thanks, Susan
My heart sinks from disappointment. Why did I make myself think otherwise? I should have known. The door creeks open in the lounge and Jing-Mei appears. I give her somewhat of a pathetic smile.
"Your day sucking as badly as mine?" she asks.
"Well, if you count me wanting to go on the roof and jump as a bad day, I guess you could say so." I say with a bit of sarcasm, and yet somewhere in the back of my head it doesn't seem like it's such a bad idea.
"Let's go clubbing! I need a break from Pratt… you know what I mean… how you just need to get away?" she asks attempting to start a conversation.
And the strange part is I used to know what she meant by that, wanting to have time to get away and party from the man I was seeing. But that all changed as soon as he touched me. The moment the sparks flew and his soft lips touched mine. Nothing was ever the same. Even when things got bad, I still wanted to be in his embrace.
"I guess." I state solemnly, "I don't think I'm up for the clubs tonight."
"Awe, come on Abby! I need one party buddy!" she says pleadingly. "You don't even have to drink or anything, just come out with me. It'll be healthy for us…"
Her eyes look at me and I know she wants someone there. Well, hell, what else did I have to go to?
Should I throw it all away in two hours? Get bombed and have the hang over, forget anything that has happen this past year, drink away my sorrows like I used to, get him out of my head. The truth is I know that won't happen, because I don't know what to do so I can get him out of my mind. Nothing has worked, but at this point in the day I'm so exhausted from the crap that I've dealt with today, and for the past week for that matter, I don't care.
"Okay." And I know it is the beginning of something new in my life, or is it just the same pattern all over again?
***
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake that you don't wake up
As broken as I am.
***
It's the something I've come accustomed to these past few weeks. Waking up in an empty bed, going to work, coming home, sleeping… it's made the days blur together. So as I trudge into my apartment that night, I realize it's no different.
Not one drink.
Something held me back. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the woman today that came in. I didn't want to be like her. She was wasted out of her mind, and there sat her teenage son and young daughter, watching her like this. I don't want my daughter or son to ever see that.
Yes, one day, I hope to have a daughter or son.
Is that so wrong?
Maybe the fact that I want them to be his is. He wouldn't want his child to be mine, because someday he will be married, maybe to the governor's daughter, and they will have the picture perfect family, why would he want 'our' child?
He wouldn't.
I fall asleep on the bed. As I curl up into it, I grab his pillow and hope the scent or trace of him is still left, for I'm afraid I may have used it all up. His northwestern tee-shirt still lays on top of my dresser, I haven't touched it since he's left.
Slowly, his items began to disappear from my apartment. And mine slowly began to sneak away from his. I wish I could take it back. I want him here, with me…
***
I wake up to the moonlight bleeding through the sheer curtains that cover the tiny window in my bedroom. I notice the figure lying in my bed tangled in the sheets and I sit up in wonderment. I'm confused, is that possibly his body is sleeping next to me or is this just some kind of cruel dream or rather trick that my mind is playing on me?
I take my hand gently and run my fingers throughout his hair. He stirs and turns over and I see his eyes peer open. I immediately lock my eyes with his. The hazel glistens in his eyes and the moonlight kisses his face.
"John, what are…" That's all I manage to get out because then I see the pain in his eyes. How can I even question him when I see how lost he is? I know that now is not the time. His body rises and we are now looking face to face, our eyes have no unlocked since the moment his opened.
"I can't tonight. Please Abby, just not tonight." He looks somewhat frightened, and I know that things have occurred he can't even begin to explain to me. I realize this is the point.
I can either be the bitch who kicks him out.
The terror that doesn't care.
The exact opposite he has ever been to me. And that's when I see, this is the point that will make or break us. I don't want to lose him; I want him here, all the time, just with me. I don't want to share him; I just want him all for myself. No one else can hold him or kiss him, just me.
So it's my turn to play the strong one.
It's my turn to take the high road.
And I know it then.
He loves me. And I, I love him. And I don't want to have to hear him say that to anyone else. Ever. Because now, it's my chance with him, and I'm not going to lose him, not again.
"No, I want you to stay." I state in a small whisper. My voice sounds hoarse and not pleasant, but it's earnest and from the bottom of my heart. I want him here.
I fall to my pillow, spooning against him, his face resting against my neck, so stubbly… I can tell he hasn't shaven. But I don't care, because it's Carter. One of his arms rests around my abdomen, and the other runs through my hair, stroking it gently. I stay awake, even though just his hold soothes me. Awhile later, his breathing changes and I know he's asleep. And I take one of my hands rub it against his cheek softly, he's mine.
And it feels so right.
***
Authors Notes: Okay, I didn't want to say this in the beginning but this is my first fic. I know that turns people away, so I was hoping you would give me a chance!
I do roam the Carby boards, but I don't post at all because I have a user name.
First off, I want to thank all my gals at the ER boards on AOL, you guys ROCK!
Next, I do want to say I've been lurking around FF.net for quite awhile, and even though I haven't reviewed, I've read almost all the JC/AL fics, I look up to such writers as Sunni, KenzieGal, Taylor Wise, Brooke Star, Megan Star, and all the other amazing writers. I'm sorry if this is not up to their abilities, but I am a first time writer and I'm only thirteen.
Feel free to e-mail at prepchic23EAK@aol.com because at the moment I'm looking for a beta who will give me feedback and correct grammar, because I'm a horrible speller and I'm sure that there were mistakes even though I used spell check.
Till I write again.
~ Emily