Ok, I do not own Underworld or any of the characters involved, or any crossover characters that might end up in this. This is a similar idea to the Ask Lucian story I came up with, the only difference is now it's a show, and it's a very insane and somewhat stupid humor story. Here's a small list of who's who.

Lucian: The Host

Kraven: Cameraman

Raze and Michael: Secutrity Guards

Selene: Ass Kicker of Cameraman

Ok, here's the first part.

***

Lucian sits at a desk in a somewhat large room, wearing his normal clothes.

Lucian: Hi. I'm Lucian.

Kraven suddenly pokes his head in from offscreen.

Kraven: And I'm your camerman

Lucian: Kraven just shut up and film.

Kraven just mutters something under his breath and disappears again.

Lucian: Idiot. Well anyway, let's take a look at some letters.

Raze, who is one of the security guards, comes in with a bigass bag of letters and sets them down next to the desk. Lucian opens one.

Dear Lucian,

I think you're cool.

Signed,

Amanda

P.S.

Can you tell Michael that I want to marry him?

Lucian: Oh, thank you, and as for the other part...ummmm...

Voice O.S.: HEY!

Selene comes out.

Selene: Let me see that letter.

Lucian: I don't think you should...

Selene jumps on him and knocks him to the ground, finally grabbing the letter and running off with it. Lucian gets up, a little messed up looking.

Kraven: HAHA!

Lucian:...Selene?

Selene walks back in, punches Kraven in the face, and walks out.

Lucian: Thank you. Alright; next letter.

Dear Lucian,

Are you fucking retarded!? I mean COME ON! How could you not tell Kraven was going to double-cross you!? Are you THAT stupid? Oh, and Kraven, don't take his bullshit; you're way cooler than he is.

Signed,

someguy

P.S.

Lucian, I will give you credit for Sonja; I'd hit that twice! Oooohhh YEAH!

Lucian:…

Kraven: ^_^

Lucian:…Well, 'someguy', the truth is if you ever touched Sonja, I would-(what follows is in an unknown language that Lucian just starts yelling out that no one in the room understands, but some words, such as 'ribcage', 'spinal cord' and 'skull fucker', can be heard in English. Finally he stops)-Oh, and Kraven is not cooler than me.

Kraven: Yes I am.

Lucian: Selene?

Selene comes out and kicks Kraven's ass. She then leaves after smiling at Lucian. Kraven gets up, groaning in pain. Lucian pulls out another letter.

Dear Lucian,

I love you. Will you marry me?

Signed,

Your future wife

Lucian:…ummmm.

Sonja comes out and walks up to the desk Lucian is at.

Sonja: Can I see that?

But Lucian knows what she is planning to do, and the last thing his show needs is to risk getting another lawsuit for assault.

Lucian: Ummm, sorry, but I don't think…

Sonja tackles Lucian to the floor. After a moment they both get up, Sonja has the letter and Lucian…has a black eye.

Kraven: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Sonja: (Notices what she did to Lucian) Oh my god. Aww, baby (instantly forgets about the letter and kisses where she punched him as she hugs him) I'm sorry.

Lucian looks like he's about to start yelling, but he just lets Sonja continue what she was doing. Kraven, meanwhile, is now rolling around on the floor laughing his ass off, as is Soren, who has been watching with Raze and Michael, who are both snickering. After a while he has Sonja get off him and step offstage, after giving her a quick kiss. Kraven then stops laughing, and suddenly looks pissed.

Kraven: This is BULLSHIT! No one ever asks ME to marry them!

Lucian:…

Kraven: WHAT!?

Lucian:  Nothing; it's just…it's you.

Kraven: You'd think the person writing this would cut me some slack; jackass.

Suddenly, a large shape that we see is actually a snake with tentacles, made out of black smoke, with a human skull with fangs for a head and green fire in the eye sockets, slithers out of nowhere and moves up to Kraven.

Kraven: What the hell is that?

Lucian: That's the author.

(Author's Note: Yes, boys and girls, the snake/ghost rider/smoke thing with tentacles is NightSlash, the author, and yes, I am bizarre; I know.)

NightSlash: Hold on.

Before Kraven can do anything, NightSlash shoves one of the tentacles into Kraven, causing black electric liquid AKA the Agent Smith taking over virus stuff, to spread across Kraven. When it disappears, he's wearing a costume of a drunken chicken with a big bottle stuck in the beak part. NightSlash then takes out a camera and takes a picture.

NightSlash: Thank you.

He leaves, and Kraven rips the suit off and starts yelling in some unknown language.

Lucian: Kraven, SHUT UP!!

Kraven does so, but he still mumbles under his breath.

Lucian: Thank you. Ok, let's read the last letter.

Dear Daddy,

Why did you let me die?

Signed,

Your unborn child

Everyone's jaws are on the ground. Lucian looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown.

Lucian:…I…um…I…uh…(pauses, and then starts to cry) OH GOD, IT'S TRUE! I'M A HORRIBLE FATHER! (Continues to cry, and then stops when he takes a closer look at the letter) Wait a minute. KRAVEN!!! YOU BASTARD!! THIS IS YOUR HANDWRITING!!

Kraven: Uhhh…what? I…ummm…oh shit.

Lucian rips off his coat and shirt as he changes into full hybrid mode and leaps towards Kraven. Kraven, in turn, jumps back and then changes into his hybrid form.

Everyone: O_O

Lucian: What the…!?

Kraven: Ah yes. You remember that party we had a few weeks ago?  (Lucian nods) Well, after most of us passed out, except for me, I didn't drink much. Well, Sonja and I hit it off a little, and she bit me. And since she's a hybrid…

Lucian: …wait. So you're saying that you took advantage of Sonja, while she was drunk at that party.

Kraven nods. Raze sighs and reaches over and pulls out a large see-through plastic shield thingy.

Michael: What's that for?

Raze: I don't want blood getting on my coat.

Michael: Ah.

What happens next…well Kraven's not going to be able to walk for a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time by the time Lucian is done with him.

More to Come.