Ok, here's the next part. Also, the guest on here is a character from the video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, which I don't own either. If you've never played that game, good, you'll find it funnier.

***

Lucian sits at his desk, and he has small traces of the black eye from the last show. Sonja is sitting next to him, trying to get him to look at her so she can look at the black eye. After a moment he gives her a quick peck on the lips and tells her to leave. She kisses him back and quickly leaves.

Lucian: Ok, first letter.

Dear Lucian,

Dude, Sonja's got you whipped like the family pig.

Signed,

Dude

Lucian: …I'm not stupid. I know that's you…Viktor

Viktor walks in from offstage.

Viktor: WHAT!? I would not waste my time writing such pathetic dribble! (Snatches letter and quickly reads it. Raises an eyebrow) Ok, it was me. (Hands the letter back and walks offstage again)

Lucian: …ummm, ok. Next letter.

Dear Lucian,

YOU SUCK! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KILL ANYBODY IN THE MOVIE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A FEARED WEREWOLF LEADER, NOT A LITTLE GIRLY, UNDERPANTSY, PINK DOILY, TEA PARTY PERSON!

Signed,

Homer Simpson

Lucian: …

Kraven: DAMN! You just got told by a cartoon character!

Lucian: Selene?

Selene comes out and walks up to Kraven.

Kraven: HEY! Stand back! (Changes into hybrid form) Or else I'll…

Selene tackles him and a scuffle ensues. Then, they both stand up. As Selene does…her death dealer outfit suddenly falls off.

Everyone: O_O

Lucian covers his eyes and doesn't look, since Sonja would probably make him sleep on the couch for a week.

Viktor: (Offscreen. Leans over to Michael) I told you she had him whipped.

Lucian: FUCK OFF VIKTOR!!

Selene just looks at Kraven as she quickly reaches down and grabs her outfit before pulling it up, covering herself. Then…

Kraven: …Nice.

Selene tackles him again and we hear the sounds of her pounding the living shit out of him. After a moment she stands up, wiping the blood off her knuckles before walking offstage. She grabs Michael and drags him away also. Raze glances at Viktor, who shrugs.

Kraven: Is it just me, or whenever she beats someone up she gets incredibly horny?

Everyone: She gets horny.

Lucian: Ok, enough with that. And that letter isn't even worth my respond to respond to.

Dear Lucian,

This is the IRS! Pay your taxes or we send Anonymous after you!

Signed,

IRS

Lucian: O_O …OK, HERE! TAKE IT!!

Dear Lucian,

Well, this letter isn't really to you. It's to Viktor. Viktor, I LOVE YOU! I constantly fantasize about you and me making sweet, sweet love. Will you marry me and fulfill my dreams?

Signed,

Amy

Viktor: …oh my.

Kraven: Oh, so now VIKTOR'S become more popular than me. THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

Lucian: It's because you shot me in the back, and all the girls hated you for that. (Looks at the screen and smirks) And yes, I am WELL aware of my sex symbol status.

Raze just raises an eyebrow, while Viktor and Kraven stare at Lucian as if he's turned into a three headed turtle carrying the moon on its back.

Lucian: What?

Kraven: …it's just…you think you're a sex symbol?

Lucian: Hey! A lot of people think so anyway. Besides, I'm more of one than either you or Viktor are.

Viktor: (Rolls eyes) well anyway, as for the proposal…

Lucian: NO! You can write her back on your own damn time! Not here! Now, we have a guest tonight. He knows a lot about animals, and other things. Please welcome (reads from card) Mr. Zoo.

A man wearing Crocodile Dundee type clothing comes out and sits down.

Lucian: Now, before I begin my interview with you, let's take some phone calls. (Pushes a button on his desk) Ok, first caller, you're on the air.

Caller: Is that Mr. Zoo?

Mr. Zoo: Of course it is.

Caller: And you're in L.A.?

Mr. Zoo: Yes.

Caller: What are you doing here?

Mr. Zoo: Promoting animals.

Caller: Don't you remember the court case?

Mr. Zoo: Get lost! Lucian, next caller!

Lucian: Okay. (Pushes the button again) Line two, you're on the air.

Caller: Don't hang up on me! You're meant to be in a hospital you sicko!

Mr. Zoo: Easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at the top of my game.

Caller: Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and insane and you need help.

Mr. Zoo: I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me. I love animals. Leave me the hell alone, or I'll come by the aquarium and feed you to the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing murderer! Bobo would have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have cheered him up. Stay away from me y'here!? No more callers, okay Lucian?

Lucian: Okay, but what was that about the aquarium?

Mr. Zoo: Nothing, all in the past; long time ago. I was tricked into saying something I regretted.

Lucian: What?

Mr. Zoo: Nothing! Just drop it, please.

Lucian: No, just say it!

Mr. Zoo: …(Cries) I love youuuuuuu.

Lucian: …ummmmm….yeah

Mr. Zoo: Not you, idiot. I hate you! They made me say 'I love you' to Bobo!

Lucian: Who's Bobo

Mr. Zoo: Bobo was the most beautiful creature, really beautiful.

Lucian: Who is she?

Mr. Zoo: He, he, HE!

Lucian: Okay, okay! He!

Mr. Zoo: He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. Those people could never understand. It's natural. We were identical, from a genetic perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a show every day like a circus animal. They thought they caught me doing something, but they never did. We were only cuddling. How can people take that the wrong way? They…they took me away and they locked me up. And Bobo died of a broken heart.

Lucian: He did? That sucks.

Kraven: Wait, is he saying what I THINK he's saying!?

Lucian looks at Kraven, and then his eyes widen in horror as he realizes what Kraven means.

Lucian: HOLY SHIT! YOU SICK BASTARD! SECURITY!

Mr. Zoo: I loved him more then you could imagine!

Kraven: Call the police! This guy's a sick animal molester!

Mr. Zoo: I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone.

Suddenly, two doctors walk in from offstage.

Doc: Pat, it's Dr. Phillips!

Mr. Zoo: Stay away from me!

Doc: Pat, you've been a very bad boy! Come on; we're going home now Pat!

Mr. Zoo: Stay away from me! I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot! He'll kill ya in two seconds!

Second Doctor: Pat, please! We've been through this, you're not well! Bobo is dead! It's time to get back on the medication and start piecing your life back together, while locked up in a padded cell for a very long time, or until you die!

Mr. Zoo: Is it that time again Doc?

Doc: Yes Pat, it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got your initials on it. (They help him into a straight jacket) And swallow this.

The doctor gives Mr. Zoo a red pill, who swallows it with a glass of water.

Mr. Zoo: Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a message. Look for a wipe the china hand... (He collapses to the floor)

Second Doctor:  I'm really sorry about that. Pat is a very, very sick man. We rarely let the dangerously ill out of the asylum. And when we do, it's not always fatal.

Lucian:  Okay, great.

Doctor: Get this crack head out of here! Sorry to be a bother.

Lucian: Umm, no bother. (The doctors exit with Mr. Zoo) Ok, whose idea was it to bring that person on the show!?

Kraven: I think it was yours.

Lucian: Really? Huh. I better research these people before bringing them on. Ok, that's all the time for today.

More to Come.