To: Roxanne@gomail.com
From: Mia@gomail.com
Time: 4:23 PM
Date: November 21, 2003
Sorry I haven't written in awhile!! It's been rough. So much stuff, I'm being pushed away and excluded in everything, it's like all my friends have forgotten me. Literally. I have more lying now and hate, it's not funny, I'm being absorbed by books and web-site redo's then ever before because it take my mind off thing. I don't like this feeling. The loneliness and hate.
My brother died on that bed from the one thing we thought would never happen. They switched the meds. My brother?!? My own brother?? I don't get it, it's unreal, I wake up EVERY morning, thinking "He's going to be there, I know it, He's going to be there, he's gotta be there." But when I run into his room, he isn't there. There's nothing there.
We haven't touched the room, not one bit, I told my mom, "If you change it then it will be like he was never there, and I don't want that. I want to remember my brother. Even though I didn't know him long." She agreed and I'm sitting here crying, trying to figure things out, I really don't know what I'm typing, I'm just letting my fingers go.
You know, you don't talk to me too much anymore either, have we fallen apart, too? I've got instant messenger. Can't we talk on that too?
Everything at school has fallen apart as well. Miss Athlete has decided I like a boy, he's nickname will be Germ, but I don't. I don't like him at all. He's annoying and stupid, I don't like him. But we know she likes this boy, he's nickname will be Darn, she likes him a lot, she kicks him and takes his things and call him her Man Whore. He calls her, his Slave. We looked Man Whore him in German. It's Mann Hure (You said it like Ma-wn Her).
Things at home have tightened up too, DI started and my mother is coaching two teams. A 4th and 5th grade team and my middle school team. She puts them together and hopes we work things out. I don't like and when I told her, she got pissed off and decided to persuade me into my room. I went to my room and I told myself she should rot in hell. She shouldn't though, she's too good for hell, and she's too good for heaven, too. They need a place just for her. Some place, just not hell. I didn't mean it when I said it; I was just covered in tears. I mean it, I was just on my bed, in the soft and secure warmth of the blankets telling myself she should just because I said something wrong to her. But I didn't mean it, I don't know why I see these things, Is that why no one wants to talk to me? Is that the reason? Or is it my breast cancer?
Yes, that's it, it's my cancer. No one believes that I have it, I've forgotten what they said to me in the office. But, they had taken me into a dark lit room and told me to lay on the bed, "Put on hand above your head." I did so. "Now, we're just putting this stuff on your breast so the machine will pick up everything. BTW, we're taking an ultrasound." I lay still. They put this cold stuff on me. Like ice on down your back. She stuck this thing on my breast, it looked sort of like, a razor, you would shave your legs with. Well, up the screen it was showing the cyst and the cancer cells. They told me it's all right, it's early and we can clear it up. I go into surgery in 1 - 2 weeks. Wish me luck? Or are you all too absorbed in your own lives?
- Mia aka ~XxSwEeTbLoOd~
From: Mia@gomail.com
Time: 4:23 PM
Date: November 21, 2003
Sorry I haven't written in awhile!! It's been rough. So much stuff, I'm being pushed away and excluded in everything, it's like all my friends have forgotten me. Literally. I have more lying now and hate, it's not funny, I'm being absorbed by books and web-site redo's then ever before because it take my mind off thing. I don't like this feeling. The loneliness and hate.
My brother died on that bed from the one thing we thought would never happen. They switched the meds. My brother?!? My own brother?? I don't get it, it's unreal, I wake up EVERY morning, thinking "He's going to be there, I know it, He's going to be there, he's gotta be there." But when I run into his room, he isn't there. There's nothing there.
We haven't touched the room, not one bit, I told my mom, "If you change it then it will be like he was never there, and I don't want that. I want to remember my brother. Even though I didn't know him long." She agreed and I'm sitting here crying, trying to figure things out, I really don't know what I'm typing, I'm just letting my fingers go.
You know, you don't talk to me too much anymore either, have we fallen apart, too? I've got instant messenger. Can't we talk on that too?
Everything at school has fallen apart as well. Miss Athlete has decided I like a boy, he's nickname will be Germ, but I don't. I don't like him at all. He's annoying and stupid, I don't like him. But we know she likes this boy, he's nickname will be Darn, she likes him a lot, she kicks him and takes his things and call him her Man Whore. He calls her, his Slave. We looked Man Whore him in German. It's Mann Hure (You said it like Ma-wn Her).
Things at home have tightened up too, DI started and my mother is coaching two teams. A 4th and 5th grade team and my middle school team. She puts them together and hopes we work things out. I don't like and when I told her, she got pissed off and decided to persuade me into my room. I went to my room and I told myself she should rot in hell. She shouldn't though, she's too good for hell, and she's too good for heaven, too. They need a place just for her. Some place, just not hell. I didn't mean it when I said it; I was just covered in tears. I mean it, I was just on my bed, in the soft and secure warmth of the blankets telling myself she should just because I said something wrong to her. But I didn't mean it, I don't know why I see these things, Is that why no one wants to talk to me? Is that the reason? Or is it my breast cancer?
Yes, that's it, it's my cancer. No one believes that I have it, I've forgotten what they said to me in the office. But, they had taken me into a dark lit room and told me to lay on the bed, "Put on hand above your head." I did so. "Now, we're just putting this stuff on your breast so the machine will pick up everything. BTW, we're taking an ultrasound." I lay still. They put this cold stuff on me. Like ice on down your back. She stuck this thing on my breast, it looked sort of like, a razor, you would shave your legs with. Well, up the screen it was showing the cyst and the cancer cells. They told me it's all right, it's early and we can clear it up. I go into surgery in 1 - 2 weeks. Wish me luck? Or are you all too absorbed in your own lives?
- Mia aka ~XxSwEeTbLoOd~