Les Miserables: The Hormonal 12 Year Old Rewrite
Note: I don't own the characters, but I doubt M. Hugo cares cuz he's well….kinda dead.
Summary: My take on the hackneyed "Eponine-gets-the-guy fanfic which gets REALLY annoying when it's being written for the 12000000th time. Yes, I am indeed a Cosette/Marius fan..lol. I like Eponine too, but come on people, did Romeo and Juliet really love each other? No. They were13ish. Ok I'm going off on a tangent..
Setting: Before Eponine heroically dies for her ignorant beloved.
Eponine trudged through the mud, Cosette's letter in hand. She looked back once at the gate separating Cosette from the realities of the world. Cosette was still standing there, staring at Eponine and laughing wildly, Eponine teared, thinking, "I only wanted to be her friend and steal her man. What's wrong with that?" Meanwhile, Cosette was staring at Eponine with pity. "What a loser, I took away the man she sort of had a crush on. Oh I'm such an evil witch! BWAHAHA!" Then, looking at the food in the bowl she was holding, she yelled, "Marius, is this chicken or fish? It says Chicken by the Sea on the can…" and wandered back into her house to drop the kids off at the pool.
Eponine made it to the barricades, but was tragically shot while protecting Marius. Marius noticed the blood spatter on his fluffy white shirt and knelt down over Eponine. "Why Eponine, what on earth are you doing down there?", he asked as he fawned over her. 'Why Marius, I took a bullet for you because I'm crushing on you so bad!" she sputtered. "Why, I never knew! Just because you followed me around everywhere like a stalker, I was supposed to know you were crushing on me?" Eponine then handed him the letter from Cosette. Marius opened it and read it aloud. "Dearest Winky Dinky Pookie Face, It's me Cosette. I just wuvvle you so very much. Isn't that stinky Eponine so stupid? I have you and she doesn't. I'm only with you to torture her. Let's totally forget the fact that Hugo wrote me as a sweet girl, and turn me into a conniving whore! Let's forget that my mother died trying to give me a better life and I suffered at the hands of the Thenardiers while Eponine and Azelma were spoiled wrotten. No, let's forget all of that and make me a bitch cuz Eponine's crush is just so cute. Well honey bear, see ya later! Your Pookie Pie, Cosette." Marius scratched his head for a second, and then exclaimed, "Why 'Ponine! I have been fooled! Cosette is really a bitch monster from hell! Why, I'm so totally gonna dump her! I love you now Eponine, and I was a fool not to crush on you before." Then, Eponine was magically only grazed on the shoulder instead of being shot thru the hand and back, and felt fine! Then Cosette suddenly appeared at the barricade and bitch slapped Eponine. A hissy fit ensued until an atomic bomb landed on Cosette and blew her up. Marius and Eponine then made-out fiercely.
Epilogue: Marius and Eponine got married and had 50 kids and lived happily ever after while Cosette burned for all eternity.