TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND ENOUGH TO READ MY FANFIC:
*Thank you for taking time out to read this story of mine (which is my first by the way, so please be kind).
*I have only seen five episodes of Inu Yasha (and the episodes I saw were out of order) and I barely know anything about the show except for the information that I gather from websites and stories that I've read so there might be slight OOC.
*Inu Yasha does not belong to me nor does the characters that are mention in the story.
*Ajika (a name that I heard on Tenchi something) is my own little character.
*Ajika sounds like Ah-ji-ka.
Words in italics are thoughts by the character(s).
Words that are in bold are flashbacks by the character(s).
Words that are in parenthesis ( ) are my thoughts.
Have fun reading my fanfic!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Warning! I've noticed that when I put my fic in italics, some of them do not show. I'm sorry if the story gets confusing due to the problem, however, if you read carefully you can tell who is saying/thinking the statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for the reviews!
CAN IT EVER BE? – Chapter Ten ~ If Only I Knew Better Hitomi's P.O.V.
After seeing Sesshoumaru, Ajika and Rin leave, I felt a sense of uneasiness go through me. I am standing in a room with the man that I never thought I would ever see again.
As I turn around, I see Inutaisho still looking out the window. All these years I have thought of ways to erase this man from my life, but none seem to do the job. It is difficult to erase a person in whom you devoted your life to.
He turns around and gives me a charming smile. I didn't return his smile. I never could seem to be merry in his presence. When he sees that I will not warm up to him, he takes his smile away and just offers me a chair.
I sit down on the chair that Ajika just occupied and stare at my hus… I mean Inutaisho. It has been forever since I have said that name. It has been even longer since I called him my husband. Both labels for this man left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I see him sit across from me with his head bowed low. We sit there in silence for what seem like hours. All I could do was stare at him. It has been so long since I have last seen him. He looks so different now. His silver mane has turned a deeper shade. His hair is now a color that one can label a shiny gray. I must look different as well. I have seen the wrinkles on my face. I have seen the dullness of my eyes and I have seen the emptiness that also resides there. Oddly enough, I do not have any laugh lines. Seeing as I do not laugh, that is not a surprise to me at all. It is a rarity to see me with a smile, but of course I do smile for Sesshoumaru, Ajika and now Rin as well, no thanks to the man in front of me.
Happiness. I never actually felt happiness until I gave birth to Sesshoumaru, but then it was hampered by the arrival of Akane. I use to think that a person cannot feel both sadness and happiness at the same time, but on that day I did.
With this pain in me you would think that I would run over and rip the throat of the man in front of me, but I do not. A part of me is holding me back. A part of me that wants to know why things ended the way it did, a part of me that would not rest until I found out what it is that I needed to know. Is it curiosity? Maybe. Who wouldn't be curious?
I see that he can feel my eyes on him. He looks up at me and said no words as if he is waiting for me to break the ice. Why is it that I have to start everything with this man?
It is just like long ago. I was the one who had to make him talk to me. I was the one that had to make him listen to me. I was the one who had to make him pay attention to Sesshoumaru. I was the one who had to do everything…everything. It makes a body tired. It makes the body feel empty. To try continuously and yet receive no results is damaging to the mind and heart. Maybe that is why I gave up along the way. I didn't want to hold on to something that I knew I could never have…Inutaisho.
The more I look at him, the more the pain returns to me, the pain of loneliness, the pain of being unloved.
Inutaisho. He did not love me.
"Why?"
That word came out before I could stop it. Do I really want to know the answer? Do I really want to know all the reasons why I was unfit for this youkai?
He stares at me for a while, yet does not reply. The silence continues. Yes, this does remind me of the olden days, me talking, him ignoring.
So I stand up and start to leave, but his hand grabs mine before I could reach the door.
"Wait, Hitomi. Wait."
He makes me sit down and he returns to his chair. I see him brush his bangs behind his ears. I waited for him to talk. He will only get a few minutes from me.
"Why, Inutaisho?"
He closes his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at me when he explains the reason on why he deserted me.
"I am truly sorry, Hitomi. I didn't mean for it to end that way."
"Sorry? You are sorry? Are you expecting me to forgive you?"
"No. I just wanted for you to know that I regret my actions towards you."
"Do you now? I guess your apologies are suppose to make me feel better."
"Don't be disrespectful, Hitomi. When did you get so sarcastic? I thought I knew you better than that."
"Knew me? Don't make me laugh! You act as though you know every bit about me. Please, Inutaisho. Don't make yourself look foolish in my eyes. How can you know a person in whom you never spend more than thirty minutes with?"
He looks angry, very angry. Who cares, am I right? It should be I that should be angry. In fact, I am angry. This youkai has unleashed the demon inside of me, and now that demon wants blood, Inutaisho's blood.
"How dare you, Hitomi! I know plenty about you!"
"Ha! Name one."
I see him stare at me without saying a word. He does that a lot. I can see the wheels turning in his head, but it seems that this noble youkai has bitten off more than he can chew.
"You see. You know nothing. It's funny, Inutaisho. You have been with me for many years yet you know nothing about me. Do you know my favorite flower? Do you know my favorite color? Do you know when my birthday is? Our anniversary? The day we met? Anything?"
Silence. I didn't really expect an answer.
I get up from where I sit and go to the window. I stare at the stars that shine so brightly outside.
"Inutaisho. You never took out time to just talk to me."
I can feel his eyes on my back. He is probably glaring at me by now.
"You act as though you know everything about me, Hitomi."
"I do."
"Sure you do. Do you know my favorite flower? Do you know my favorite color? Do you know when my birthday is? Do you know what my favorite animal is? Do you?"
I stand there without saying a word. Did he think that I would be so evil, so careless that I would not know a damn thing about him?
"Why the silence, Hitomi. Did you realize that you are also wrong?"
"……………Lavender."
I can sense him tensing up on his chair.
"What?"
"I said lavender. Lavender is your favorite flower. I remember you telling Akane that you like that flower the best because of its ability to soothe a person to sleep."
I turn to look at him. He looked shocked. I wasn't surprised. I spend my whole life talking to almost everyone in the household to find out everything about him, since he didn't want to tell me himself.
"I know that brown is your favorite color. You said that it was your favorite because it reminded you of Akane's hair. Your birthday is in August on the first. Lastly, your favorite animal is a dog. You said that dogs are the most intellectual animals and that is why you are so proud of being a dog demon. Anymore questions?"
He looks away. I feel good now. I made him finally feel bad.
It liberated me.
I should laugh, laugh at him knowing that his insides were twisting from the new information that I gave him, but I didn't. I remember how it felt when my insides twisted that way, not do to my ignorance, but by his neglect. So I just stood there and waited for him to say something.
"What do you want me to say, Hitomi. My apologies aren't going to sooth you. My pleas won't please you. What do you want from me?"
"I want…I want for you to tell me why you never tired to make things work between us."
He gets up from his chair and walks towards the fireplace. He leans on the mantel, looking away from me.
"I wanted to find love, Hitomi. I wanted to have the decision to find my mate and fall madly in love with her, but instead they gave me a mate whom I know nothing about. Do you know how it feels, Hitomi? I thought that I would get to find someone whom I love and spend the rest of my life with her, but they gave me you. I don't mean that in a bad way, Hitomi. I just…I just wanted to find love."
"Hmph…he…he he…ha…ha…ha ha…ha ha ha ha ha!"
I don't know why, but I couldn't stop laughing. He is a very stupid man. An idiot! Does he even hear what he is saying?
"Inutaisho. Can you hear yourself? You ask me if I know how you feel. Of course I know how you feel! Do you think I wanted to end up with a useless jerk that treated me like shit! I too wanted to find my own mate, but what was I suppose to do? With both of us together, our followers had a better sense of safety! Our union cause get relief to our people, but all you could do was harp on the fact that we became mates! I replace my anger, Inutaisho. I tried to make it work between us. Instead of thinking about why I couldn't find my true soul mate, I instead try to fix the one mate I had and make it real. Make it special. I knew I had to spend the rest of my life with you, so I tried to please you. I tried to be the mate that you wanted, but what did you do? You became a spoiled brat! You slept with me for one night and left me there! You took my virginity and left without saying any soothing words. I felt like trash! What was supposed to be beautiful was in fact tainted! The only good thing that came our of that and out of our so-called relationship is Sesshoumaru!"
"Stop, Hitomi."
"Stop? You ask me to stop? I have every right to be angry! Do you know how it feels to be unloved? Why should you? You had Akane, or don't you remember? I remember Akane. Beautiful, sweet and loving Akane, that is what you declared to everyone."
"I did not! Never once did I every upstaged or degraded you like that in front of anyone."
"Hmph. Didn't you, Inutaisho. You didn't have to say it by words. Your presence with her in our home was enough to have people talking. By neglecting me and spending all you time with her, you were telling everyone that I was useless, ugly, ungrateful and unworthy. Do you want to know the funny part of the situation, Inutaisho?"
He didn't reply when I asked him the question. This is so typical of Inutaisho.
"The funny part is that I didn't care about that. I didn't care about what people thought about me. The only thing that I care about was you. Always you. There were times when others will talk ill of your name and I defended you. There were times when your family wanted to disown you because of your treatment of me, but I begged them not to. There were times when I wanted to kill you, but I stopped myself. Why? I don't know anymore. I don't know a thing at all. I don't know why I help you, especially during the times when you would show so much affection towards Akane right in front of my face."
I sit back down in the chair using all of my strength to hold back my tears. I don't want to cry. I don't want to show weakness. Not to him, not to anyone.
"Inutaisho, why couldn't you at least try to feel anything for me? Why couldn't you at least try?"
He sits there as if his heart is breaking. Please. Like he had a heart. Like he cares at all what he did to me.
"I didn't mean it to be that way. I never thought that you would take this so seriously."
My anger grew. He didn't think that I would take it seriously?
"I gave you my love, only to have if thrown right back in my face, Inutaisho! No one would say that if they never meant it! You didn't think that I would take anything to heart! That is the problem with you, Inutaisho! You never think! You only think about yourself!"
He sits there and stares at his hands. I calm down a bit. If I didn't, then my hands would be around that mans neck.
"Hitomi. When you left this world, I realized that I did care for you."
His words didn't make me feel better.
"Why is it that I had to die in order for you to realize that you cared for me?"
He stares at me with a pained look on his face. He said nothing in return.
"Do you know how I feel? I had nothing. I had no husband to comfort me, no family besides Sesshoumaru to care for me, no one to be there for me. No one. Everyday I would see families laughing and playing, wishing that that were you and I. Everyday I would see a wife and her husband sharing a sweet little love peck, hoping that today would be the day that you would do such an action towards me. Everyday I would see people…happy, hoping against hope that I would feel that foreign emotion, but it never came. It didn't come that day or the next or the next after that. I was always left with nothing to hold me together. Sesshoumaru was the only reason why I stayed for so long. I wanted for him to have a mother. I wanted him to grow up… to grow up and become nothing like you."
"…Hitomi."
I can feel the tears trying to break through my barrier, but I stopped them before they could come out.
"Is that all you can say, otousan? I thought you wanted to right your wrongs, not hurt okasan even more."
I look towards the angry voice and found my darling son standing in the doorway. It is a great relief to me that he does not look to want to kill his otousan right now. I still have questions that I want answered and my son killing him isn't going to help the situation.
"Son, weren't you asleep with Ajika?"
"Hai, okasan, but I could sense your anger and came right over."
"That is unlike you, Sesshoumaru."
"Actually, that is only true to people in whom I care nothing about, okasan."
I smile at him. He is such a charmer. That is the only trait of his father that he received. I never did care about that. Sesshoumaru is different. He is my son.
I stare at Inutaisho with no emotion on my face and in my voice.
"How does it feel, Inutaisho?"
I see confusion on his face. I guess I have to be more specific.
"How does it feel to be in love? I hear that it feels warm and pleasantly fuzzy. I hear that it is a wonderful feeling that anyone would kill just to keep. Is that true?"
"Why are you asking me? You know how it feels. You love Sesshoumaru and the girls."
"That love is a different type of love. I mean the love between mates."
He is quiet. Does he not want to tell me?
"Okasan, if feels just like the way you describe it."
I look towards my son. My heart just melts. It seems that my son has fallen head over heels for Ajika, not that I could blame him. I liked her the first time I saw her. It is not just anyone who would carry your body back to your home and make sure you die peacefully and beautifully. Ajika is one of a kind.
"Sesshoumaru. You should take things slower for Ajika or you might scare her off. Considering her past, you should know better."
I see a frown on his face. Did I say something wrong?
"Actually, okasan. I do not know anything about her past."
"Why not?"
"It never came up."
"Well, don't ask her about it, Sesshoumaru. When she is ready, she will tell you."
He nodded. My son does know when to let matters drop. I see him stare at his otousan. I stare as well. He is still and would not look at either of us. Seeing that he will not be up for more questions I decided to leave, but not without saying a few more words.
"Inutaisho?"
He looks at me with an alert look, waiting for me to say something.
"If only I knew better, I would have gave up on you before you could have any affect on me."
And I left the room. I continue to walk not knowing where I was going. I kept looking at the floor, replaying my past and my present in my head over and over again. I find myself in the middle of the garden. The stars look even brighter now then they did when I was in the room with him.
My body feels weak. I can feel it slowly collapse on the grass when my legs gave away. I roll myself so that I could wrap my arms around my legs and touch my forehead to my knees. All I could do was let go. Before I knew it, the tears that I have been holding in were pouring out of me. They wouldn't stop. My body feels empty and tired. I feel so alone.
As I tried to flood the world with my tears, I feel someone's arms around my body, soothing me. These arms are helping me feel safe, full and energized. As I look up, all I could see is long black hair and two different color eyes; one blue, the other green.
I smiled, truly smiled. I know now that when ever I am down, there will always be someone out there to make me feel better. I wrapped my arms around the person, and cried my eyes out. My body is being rocked back and forth in a sort of comforting rhythm. I see now that life will only get better. Hugging the body closer, only a few words came out of me.
"Thank you, Ajika."
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~ Well, I was going to use the Japanese words for daughter, son and so on for this chapter, but I got lazy and decided that I'll use it on the next one. So I'm just going to write what means what (some old, some new) so that no one gets confused in the next chapter.
~ I would also like to thank Reiji for giving me the correct words to use in the Japanese language.
~mother-okasan
father-otousan
daughter (your daughter)-musume
daughter (someone else's daughter)-ojosan
son-musuko
aunt-obasan
uncle-ojisan
grandmother-obasan (with a line above the a)
grandfather-ojiisan
*I probably wont use some of those words up above.
*Also, thanks for the reviews!