*Inu Yasha does not belong to me nor does the characters that are mention in the story.

*Ajika (a name that I heard on Tenchi something) is my own little character.

*Ajika sounds like Ah-ji-ka.

* A little OOC (well, it depends on how you describe little).

Words in italics are thoughts by the character(s).

Words that are in bold are flashbacks by the character(s).

Words that are in parenthesis ( ) are my thoughts.

Have fun reading my fanfic!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Warning!  I've noticed that when I put my fic in italics and in bold that it sometimes does not show them on my fics.  I'm sorry if the story gets confusing due to the problem, however, if you read carefully you can tell who is saying/thinking the statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for the reviews!

CAN IT EVER BE? – Chapter Twelve ~ Secret Closet-Part Two

Previously on CAN IT EVER BE

"Seeing that she will not survive her wounds, I asked her one question before she left this world."

I see Sesshoumaru focus his golden eyes on me.

"What did you ask, Ajika?"

"…I asked her if she had any regrets.  I asked her if she regretted giving me away to those awful people.  I asked her if she regretted what they did to me."

"What did she tell you?"

"……………………"

"Ajika."

"……………………"

"Ajika."

"She said…she said that her only regret is that I didn't die during the process."

Now on to chapter twelve!

When I gazed at Sesshoumaru to see his reaction, I was surprised at what I found.  Here before me stood the mighty lord Sesshoumaru of the western lands with his eyes wide open at the realization of what my statement meant.  His golden eyes showed a few specks of red.  It looked as though his eyes were glowing with liquid fire.

I waited for him to say something, but he decided to keep quiet for now.  I did ask for him to not interrupt so I guess I should just tell him the rest of my story.  I averted my stare to the fireplace, looking at the flames that resembled the new color of Sesshoumaru's eyes.

"When she said that to me, my body grew numb from both pain and exhaustion.  It wasn't what I expected for my mother to say to me.  I just held her with no words escaping my lips.  I stayed by her side until the last breath left her body."

I feel arms surround my frame and realized that it was Sesshoumaru who was holding me.  Unwrapping his arms, he ushered me out of my chair to sit on the floor next to the fire.  Wrapping his arms around me once again, I laid my head on his shoulder while we both stared at the flames.  While he held me, I continued my story.

"When her spirit left her body, I could sense her by my side.  Being the special child that I was, I could see those spirits and communicate with them.  When I looked up from the body, I see her ghostly form staring at me.  Usually when I see these spirits, I can see their destination to the afterlife just by looking at the images that surround them.  With your okasan, I saw a vast, green field that was surrounded by light.  This image means that the spirit still has a long journey ahead of them, but I knew that it will end in contentment."

"How do you know that, Ajika?"

When he spoke, the vibrations from his chest made me feel more comfortable for some reason.  I don't understand why it does though.

"You see, the vast field means long distance, but the green color means that it is a safe and worthwhile journey.  The light that shined onto the field meant that you okasan's spirit is pure and innocent.  My okasan is another story.  Her spirit was surrounded by no image at all.  It was as if her destination was to nowhere.  Eternal darkness is what I concluded from it."

I stopped to remember the image that I saw long ago.  I can feel my body shiver from the memory.

"I saw my okasan looking at what awaited her in the afterlife with fear in her eyes.  She looks back at me and notices that I could see her spirit.  She pleaded with her eyes that I should save her from her afterlife, but I just stood there without moving an inch towards her.  Sesshoumaru-sama, you might be wondering why she would so suddenly turn to me for help.  There is a reason why she would lower herself to ask for help from her musume.  I figured that she remembered the saying that use to surround my village.  There was a tale about a special being that can rescue souls from eternal damnation, but only those who can see the spirit can do it.  Seeing as I could see her, she asked for me to save her, but I didn't.  I just stood there and watch her get pulled into the darkness.  The last image that my okasan saw was my smiling face.  Seeing her body be dragged into darkness made me happy.  Seeing her fear gave me strength that I thought left me a while back.  I was glad, glad to see her get what she deserved.  She pushed away, so why shouldn't I push her back?  She left me behind, so I did the same to her."

The room seemed to grow colder even though the fire in front of me is still burning with vengeance.  Sesshoumaru, noticing my shivering, held me closer to his lean body.

"I left her body there in destroyed village without burying her body.  I felt that she didn't deserve such a privilege, so I left instead.  I watched as the flames consumed the village without any remorse.  I would have saved the rest of the villagers, but I found out a few years back that they are the ones that sided with my family in giving me away.  So I let them burn, burn with their guilt and flames.  So when the fire died down, I walked away in search of my otousan."

My throat felt dry from talking so much, so I got up to go get a glass of water, but Sesshoumaru had other plans.  He made me stay by his side while he reach behind him to grab a wooden cup filled with water.  Once my throat felt wet again, I went on with the story.

"I went in search of my otousan for a few years.  One day, I found a little village next to forest that is now called Inuyasha's forest.  I was just walking through, when I caught his scent in the air.  I walked to the hut that was in the middle of the village to find him standing next to his front door.  I see him leave the village to go to a little green field that was nearby.  I hid on one of the roofs of the hut and watched his every move.  It was then that I notice three kids running around on the very same field.  Two of the kids were boys and the other a girl.  My otousan went right up to them and kiss them all.  He later played with them and rolled around on the field with them for the next hour.  I didn't understand why he would be so affectionate to these kids that weren't his own, but it was then that the children said one word that changed my view of him.  One word that he never allowed me to use when I was with him…"

"What was it?"

"…otousan."

I stayed quiet for a while.  I was beginning to get that numb feeling again.  My body all of a sudden used up almost all of its energy just by me telling this story.  Sesshoumaru stroked my hair and asked me to continue.

"When they said the word otousan, I felt surprised.  I have three younger siblings that I never seen before in my whole life.  My views of hurting my otousan have changed dramatically.  I realize that if I kill him, he would leave behind three kids who could not defend themselves.  If I announce myself to them, the children will find out how horrible their otousan was and abandon him.  It is not he being abandon that hurts me, but the fact that those kids would not have an otousan to love that stopped me.  So I decided to wait until he was alone and have a long talk with him."

I took another drink of water to sooth my throat.

"When my siblings left to eat dinner, my otousan stayed behind to look at the clouds.  That is when I made my presence known.  When he heard the sound of footsteps, he turn to see me standing right behind him, staring at the clouds as well.  I later look down at him and said the only thing that came to mind…Ohayo.  He nodded and continued to stare at me.  I sat down beside him and looked at him as well.  I tried to memorize his face into my brain.  I can see how old he has gotten do to his gray hair and wrinkles.  When I looked at him, I didn't see the same man who called me a demon.  I didn't see the same man who uses to hurt me.  I only saw him.  I see him look away and say two words that I longed to hair for so very long…gomen nasai.  He gave me the answer to the question that I was about to ask him.  I felt better that day then I did in my whole life.  Knowing that he regretted his actions about abandoning me and hurting me made me feel that I wasn't at fault.  That I wasn't useless…but it ended differently than I imaged."

I snuggled closer to Sesshoumaru and focus my gaze to the fireplace.

"He asked me to leave…he asked me to go away so that he could live in peace.  He continued to say that I was the one who wouldn't leave him alone.  That I was the one that kept him up all night do to the guilt he felt.  It seems that he would rather place the blame to me then to do so to himself.  I guess that he figures that if he says sorry to me that it will all go away.  Do you know how that made me feel, Sesshoumaru-sama?  Do you know how it feels when someone says they regret everything they did to you but still blames you for the outcome of it?  It is as though a knife is plunged into your heart and someone constantly continues to twist it around and around until it becomes unbearable.  Seeing my face change from happiness to sadness, my otousan said her was sorry once again, but it just made my pain worst.  When I asked him why I couldn't say with him, he said that it would confuse the other children and his second wife.  He knew that I had a soft spot for children, and he used that to his advantage.  Being me, I could not lie to them and say that their otousan was a great man, because he isn't, so I agreed."

I can feel my heart thumping loudly in my chest.  The silence from the room seemed to magnify my heartbeat even more.

"I watched him walk away once again in my life.  I watched him leave me behind like he did so many years before.  I sat there knowing that I would have no relationship with my otousan and my siblings.  I sat there knowing that when I'm gone from this village, I would be lonely while they stayed there and laugh and play like a real family would.  I sat there knowing that I wouldn't be a part of it.  My heart broke once again in my lifetime, so all I could do was watch the clouds in the sky, thinking on how I had nothing else in the world.  So I went on a journey for nothing in particular, until one day I found Ryo."

"Who's Ryo?"

"He was a human who I saved from a bear youkai.  After a few months, we got very close to one another.  I felt that I was in love with him.  He later asked me to marry him, and I agreed, but the wedding would be a year later after the engagement.  I left one day to help fight in one of the human wars that this world had.  He made me promise him that I would be faithful and return to him when I could.  It was nine months later that I returned to him, only to find out that he did not wait for me.  One of the villagers told me that when I was away for the second week, Ryo betrayed me for another human.  I was shocked because he is the one who made me promise to be faithful, yet he does not do the same for me.  So I went in search of him.  I learned from his mother that he got the other girl pregnant.  She also stated that he did not love her, but duty calls for him to be an honorable man.  When I found him by a lake, he declared to me that it was a mistake, that he doesn't want the other girl, but I ignored him.  I didn't want to listen to this human who betrayed me so easily.  He knew full well that he could not break his duty to his family.  So his mother called him to go back home to make arrangements for the wedding.  He left me by the lake, saying how sorry he is that he could not marry me, not that I want to anymore.  I saw him leave me, leave me behind like everyone else did.  It was then, Sesshoumaru-sama that I promise myself that I would not let myself be loved by anyone every again, especially the sort of love between a man and a woman.  I feel that love is nonexistent."

I laugh after I said the last statement.  Sesshoumaru had a confused look on his face, so I decided to explain to him why I was laughing.

"I laugh because of your okasan.  You see, after a few months from my breakup with Ryo, I died at the tender age of 19.  Your okasan was the only person to get a hold on me after that.  She made me realize that not everyone is the same as my parents and Ryo, but I still have my doubts about certain relationships.  Although I do believe that people can have a great liking for each other, love seems to be not real.  You can't blame me, can you?  Considering my past, I would be a fool to fall in love and get love from people who I barely know.  Love, Sesshoumaru, is not real at all."

I feel Sesshoumaru hold me tighter after I said that.

"Why do you say that, Ajika?  No two people are alike.  This Sesshoumaru is one of a kind."

"You can't blame me for having doubts about you, Sesshoumaru-sama.  When I was watching over you and Rin, all I ever saw from you was a stone expression and you never said many words at all.  Love seems like nothing to you.  You do not know that meaning of love, as do I."

"Things are different now, Ajika."

"Hai, I know, but it is those times that some things seem so the same."

We sit in front of the fire for a while and say nothing to each other.

"Why do you feel that you can never receive love, Ajika?"

"Because, Sesshoumaru-sama, why would a stranger love me when my own family wouldn't?"

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~That is the end of Secret Closet!  How did you like it?  Was it sad?  Did it make you cry?  It made me cry and I'm the one who wrote it!  Sorry that it is shorter than the last few chapters.

~Anyway, for those who wrote me e-mails and reviews for the notice I wrote, don't be mad at me.  I didn't want to introduce your character in this chapter since I wanted for it to be only about Ajika's past.  Don't worry though; I will have your characters up by the next chapter.  Be warn, not all of the characters that I received will go up in the next chapter.  I will gradually add in one to two characters at a time through out the story so if you don't se your characters in the next chapter, don't fret because they will be on the next one after that!  So, thank you all who send me your characters!  It will be a blast to write them in my story!

~Oh, my chapters will not be updated as fast as they did last week.  You see, I live in San Bernardino, CA and we recently have 3 to 5 huge fires in the mountains surrounding San Bernardino country.  So lately, I could not go to school or anywhere else since some parts of the freeway is closed down.  Plus, the fire has made my neighborhood look so dark.  You can actually see the smoke in the sky.  You cannot see the sky at all now.  All you are able to see is smoke.  My house is in the middle of the two huge fires (but don't worry.  They are too far to hit my house directly).  They only problem is that we have to conserve energy so I won't be able to go on as much as I want to.  If I find a way to go on the computer somewhere else, then I promise to update soon.

~Anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing my story.  If I get a lot of reviews then I promise that my chapters will be equally long.  If not, then I'll make them long anyway as long as I get a few reviews.  Well, I got to go.  Ja ne!

Your Pal,  Cookie6