Jim woke up one morning and thought, 'hmmm should I stay here or go out and
get munchies for the long haul of freelancer tonight...' 'Nah' Jim thought
'can't be bothered today'. He looks over at his sleeping girlfriend and
thought if only she was Juni. Later that same day Jim hears the sound of
the docking ring saying you can land and walks in to find his girlfriend
covered in green jelly and custard watching a CCTV film of Jim playing
freelancer. The green jelly and custard was not that at all. It was an
alien bacterial infection that prevented most forms of foreplay.
"I don't have a girlfriend anymore!" he said. Without a second thought he pulled his Muala pistol and fired three shots but missed completely cause he was so shocked by his g/f. He realised he shouldn't have skipped the munchies and he was growing faint. She noticed this. "Why don't you taste this alien bacterial slime?" she said, "It's quite good" *evil smile*. He realized that the slime did indeed look quite a bit like green jello... his favourite flavour! But Jim looks and decides to himself no way I've read in the papers that there's something about green looking jelly stuff that cause satanic rituals to happen but he couldn't resist. He was drawn to the green substance...and he was rather hungry. He placed his hand on her and started licking the jelly off her neck. He didn't stop till he reached cervical vertebrae.
Just then, Juni calls and asks, "why didn't you meet me last night?" Jim looks at the phone and thinks surely I'm dreaming 'cause Juni is a pixel image on the computer (although one with a nice but). Then it hits him this is what people have been talking about in the papers the green jello like substance. The rumour is that it gives you telekinetic subconscious powers on the sub-molecular level, allowing you to construct in the real world something from your subconscious... so this Juni could be real! But then Jim woke up. He realised that there was a jelly-like substance, it wasn't green, but white, and he would have to wash his bed sheets without anyone finding out Unfortunately that was easier said than done.... the washing machine was broken and there was the staring of a nasty great stain.... Jim didn't know what to do.
But suddenly up popped Jim from the future and told him that the green slime would take over the world and that he was the world's only hope and he would be the beginnings of interstellar travel. However, with all these great future prospects, the poor guy still had these nasty stains to take care of. It seemed that the survival of mankind depended on such a trifle, yet a very challenging one. Meanwhile, Jim's friend Dink was wondering why his parents named him that. He had nothing better to do, as he was waiting on the delivery of his new washer/drier set, when suddenly, Hugh Grant parachuted in through the conservatory roof; which was nice and promptly got shot, as people were expecting terrorists and not an actor.
Jim looked around and thought hmm I'm going to make some tea maybe some camomile his girlfriend then stood up and suddenly turned into Chewbacca, playing a ukulele, singing "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep." Jim looked askance at this bizarre sight, pondering the realisation that his girlfriend, despite her bulky matted form into which she had been transmuted, possessed a rather delightful alto singing voice! Could she become the new Charlotte Church, he wondered, imaging his pockets lined with sixpences from the Christmas busking he was already planning. Jim decided that maybe him and his very hair g/f should go on tour in the mental institution, but there would be time for that later. He still had a rather nasty mess to clean up.
Meanwhile Jim logged onto the Lancers Reactor and checked up on a thread called "the freelancer men are from mars woman are from somewhere else story" and laughed at the plight of the protagonist. Jim finally got down to that ugly mess of his using the well know stain removal called 'Eat it up while it's still fresh'. Calling Dink, he inquired as to whether the new washer/drier set had arrived as he had some 'urgent business' to attend to at the local curry house. Dink however was from America and had no clue what a curry house was. He simply told Jim that his order had been cancelled because the transport company that had been hired to deliver Jim's washer had been ambushed by the evil Dr. Henkiel's ill-tempered giant tree frogs.
"Damn those evil tree frogs!!" screamed Jim with a fist in the air. "Let us hunt them down and kill them" he said to Dink as he got into his Mech. "I want that washer!!" he screamed...which sadly, was his battle cry. "Let the china set break!" was Dink's war cry for a reason from his childhood. And cry they did when they were no match for the map they used to find the truck they knew not where it sat. So the streets they roam, not in Rome, but some roamin' they do do, where they step in some doo doo from the evil tree frog. "Got the wily buggars!!" Jim said and hoped back in his Mech.
Unfortunately Jim finally realised that his Mech was made from nothing but old cardboard boxes and duct tape, which he had pieced together after eating half a kilo of mushrooms that were growing in his backyard. Thankfully though, Jim had recently frequented the garage sale of a Russian Mafia member and purchased 3 ton of ex-Soviet military hardware. So he advertised in his local newspaper for volunteers and mercenaries, then used his ill-gotten weaponry in an attempt to liberate the small African country of Rumbabwe from it's evil dictator President-for-Life Umboko Ebagum. Unfortunately Jim had forgotten that the stained sheets still hadn't been washed, and embarrassingly while he was embarking with his army of misfits in his purloined Antonov transport plane (which was causing a few stares at Milwaukee Municipal Airport) his mum frogmarched him off by the ear and gave him a good scolding for being a very naughty little boy. Which was an achievement considering he was dressed in a 40ft high mobile armour unit with "Caution" emblazoned down the side, along with decals of several tree frogs that he'd disposed of recently; however he couldn't exactly launch his SMART missiles at his mum, could he? Although it would have the tragic touch so favoured of mecha-animé, along with a facial close-up and a slight passing breeze wafting a few strands of hair across his face sitting alone in his room later, staring blankly at the various glops and goo-stains around his bedroom from the activities of only a few short hours before, Jim reflected on the cruelties of fate and the fickleness of Lady Fortune. In a moment of bizarre impulsiveness brought on by this reflective state, he put his tongue to the now-dry white stains...
Jim woke up from a dream within a dream, to find himself in some sort of power plant. "I wonder if I'm still in a dream or if this is reality?" Jim said groggily "What is this place anyway?" Jim began to walk down a long dark hallway; the only sound a 200-decibel turbine blaring away in the background. At the end of the hallway he found a circular room with TV's in every direction and a man sitting in a chair. "Who are you?" Jim asked.
"I am the architect and you are in a very average movie."
"Noooooooooooo..." Jim screamed. "Yes indeed", said the architect, "and you shall be in the sequel, which begins well enough and falls apart from the middle and has disintegrated by the end. I speak of the 3rd film, what film do you speak of mortal?" said the architect.
"What?!? You're nuts you bearded old geezer" Jim said as he withdrew the Mosin Nagant revolver he had strapped to his thigh and then promptly shot the architect right between the eyes. Jim paused to look at the brains and bits of skull splattered all over the wall and said "Hey, that reminds me..." Suddenly the room explodes in a huge ball of flame, leaving Jim in a spot of bother. Fortunately, Jim had his trusty Port-a-shield activated and took little damage from the blast. But now he was left with a problem. He was 6 stories up. So, he did the only thing a person could do 6 stories up and on a planet with a positive gravity. He fell. The blast though had made a large hole in the ground and ruptured several water mains so a small lake formed beneath as he fell. With a triple pike and double somersault he landed without a splash, but accidently swallowing a small cormorant that was diving for food.
Then he woke up again! This is the third time this has happened he reflected. Not long after this he realized he was falling! Fast. Down below him he could just make out the planet Mongo and Lord Ming was laughing at him for falling like a silly boy that he is. Once he hit the floor he looked around and thought to him self 'damn I need to get some more of that green jello'. However, there was no such thing as jello on planet Mongo. This angered Jim. He set out to conquer it. Jim decided that killing was wrong and decided that he would walk round Ming's garden and breath in the smell of Mongolian roses and contemplated what bubble bath to use later. Then he got a photo-message from his best friend showing off her engagement ring. Jim seethes win envy but just feigns a nonchalant smile and says, "that's nice" then sits down with a box of hankies, a Baileys and some chocolate to watch "Muriel's Wedding" for the 20th time. After about 20mins and two trips to the loo, Jim decides it's time to wash his hair then read the latest horoscopes in Cosmo. He turned to the horoscope page and looked under hyacicmithius and it said, "Fortune is pervasive in your life", which he took to mean that somebody was spying on him. So he pulled out his heat vision goggles and immediately found the perpetrator.
He pulled out his Mosin Nagant sniper rifle and knocked the fellow, since killing was, by his strange new morals, wrong. The fellow, now quite unconscious and with something like "tnagaN nisoM" (Mosin Nagant backwards) imbedded in the top of his head bore a startling resemblance to a flying cow that was over head. Jim looked up at the cow of the sky and marvelled at it's beauty, but because quite distraught when the cow went to the bathroom above Jim's immediate area. A squadron of flying pigs then followed it. Jim sees another spying person by the name of bob3terd and
suddenly reverts to his old magna style fighting days he pulls out his massive energy flux blade and severs bob in to tiny pieces, which he then uses to make a nice quiche for the dinner party he's having tonight. Unfortunately he hasn't got anything to wear and he's forgotten his ninja death suit, for his Japanese theme party. Jim in his ninja death suit stomped around looking for something to do, when suddenly appeared Bill Cosby, so Jim finally decides its time to end the mans misery by committing hari kari. He knelt down and pointed the blade at his chest. But just when he was about to plunge the blade into his chest, an earthquake happened and Jim's grip on the knife loosened and the blade got away. Jim looks at the blade falling down the crevice opened up by the earthquake. Suddenly he sees his girlfriend walking around down there in the untold depths of the earths core seeing an opportunity he dives right in leaving Bill on his own. Jim spirals down and down still hearing the voice of his (hairy) g/f. Bill Cosby, pleased to be alive, starts doing that bothersome slo-mo tap dance thing he does at the beginning of his shows and is promptly shot by a policeman. He falls into the crevice and plunges after Jim. Cosby plunges after Jim. He looks up and sees the corpse of the comedian following him. He tries to go faster, but the dead weight is too much and it hits Jim and he falls uncontrollably towards his g/f. Unable to stop himself, Jim does the only thing any sane man would do. He attempts to use the Force and keeps falling, for he is not trained in the Force, and no plot holes will save you from that, no matter how convenient.
His g/f sees him plunging and whips out her trusty carry along mattress and jim lands and that safely while Bill Cosby hits the floor with the sickening crunch of a wet corpse. The wet corpse remains spray liberally around but he and g/f are so caught up with the moment that they don't notice. Another thing they don't notice is that the little green lines appearing periodically through the supposedly solid rock, until the simulation de-stabilized altogether and his g/f finds herself alone on the Enterprise holodeck. "Lord...this isn't my day", Jim says. Just as he realised he was still hungry and decided to get some munchies. Just then the ships warp core overloaded, killing everyone on board, including Jim, who wakes up YET AGAIN in his bathtub, with a blinding headache and two empty bottles of tequila. When his g/f hurriedly tumbles into the bathroom to hork, she too has been well beyond sober the previous night. The sight, sound and smell starts an unwanted and yet all too familiar churning in Jim's gut and the bath water soon becomes something one would not wash ones self in. Jim is forced to shower the muck off of himself. When he gets out he slips in a little overflow spittle from his g/f and smacks the back of his head on the toilet paper holder. Rebounding off the fresh roll of extra soft triple ply quilted TP the back of his head smacks the floor.... bright little globs of greenish-whitish light dance in his eyes as he hears the TP roll fuddafuddafuddafudda and gently bury his face with triple ply quilting. The paper is soft and warm, and Jim is soon fast asleep in the puddle of puke.
Floating in a dark warm place, Jim feels a slap on the face. Light slowly creeps into the slits of his eyes. Slap! Again he is hit. Jim groggily makes out Juni's face and hears her calling him by some weird name. Bent? Brent? Kent? But soon Juni is replaced by Jessica Rabbit. She draws him closer to her. He gazes at her, unable to look away. Attracted by her...shiny outfit. But then he thinks 'oh my god, I'm 6 months late for work!!' and jumps up with a start, ready to dash to save any career prospects he may have left, when he realises that he's actually dressed as a nun, and is in a small chapel on the upper floor of the Convent of St. Hypatia's College for Fallen Women, and it's communal shower time. What will Jim do next? What any red-blooded male would do! His hands rushing about trying to shuck off the coarse woollen habit he is wearing, Jim finally notices the heavy weight of cast iron around his waist and, to his utter disbelief, covering his privates. Finally unclothed, Jim sees that he is wearing a monstrous looking cast iron chastity belt. Thump. Thump. Thump. Someone knocks at his bedchamber door. Jim couldn't watch...the door creaked open and there stood the Robin Hood fellow from 'Men in tights' holding a key that presumably fit the lock on the wretched belt. You're not my princess!" He exclaimed! "Or wait... I wasn't that drunk was I?" Jim didn't remember. He had been drunk too. "I don't know M'lord" he said, "I just don't know." Cautiously that RH fellow steps into the chamber. Dangling the key from its string and twirling it about. Tiny beads of sweat started to bud on Jim's upper lip. This can't be good, he thought. His mouth tasted of cotton and suddenly, he felt parched. He tried to say something but he had no voice. Just then, over RH's right shoulder, Jim sees a kitty! There is something particularly interesting about this kitty though. It is flying. This is because it has recently been thrown by one of RH's enemies and is a Peruvian death kitty, trained from birth to kill. RH takes this moment to execute a quick turn toward the door and the animal collides with his hand, happily mauling it beyond recognition and sending the key to poor Jim's belt flying toward the tower window.
The conveniently place hole in the wall below the window now made sense to Jim. It wasn't supposed to be a niche to store your valuables, it was a foothold! Yes. That was it. It was a foothold to get him up to window level. Jim, clad only in a loincloth.... err extremely heavy chastity belt, chased after the key as it gracefully arced toward the window in a clearly outbound trajectory. The key sailed onward, spinning majestically about its centre of gravity, chain dangling behind. Jim let out a long low, "nnnnnooooooooooooooo" as he lumbered toward the foothold. The kitty, having dispatched RH began to feed on his carcass. Jim now sailed through the window still in slow motion and in hot pursuit of the key. The key now sparkling silver in the afternoon sun began to loose its momentum and started its decent towards the moat below. Jim and his cast iron chastity belt however had left the window at a greater velocity than the key and found himself directly below it. With one mighty thrust of his pelvis (Elvis Style) Jim caught the key squarely in the lock and removed the chastity belt just in time to deploy the parachute that he had conveniently (yet somewhat strangely) stuffed in his ass crack the previous evening. The parachute deployment was less than optimal, given the part of the anatomy from which it was ejected. Wafting across the moat while facing downward Jim sees that is rate of descent is slightly faster than desirable. He will have but one chance to reach out to a gargoyle before being splatted against the rampart wall.
A cold wet wind had started to blow, making Jim's teeth chatter. Would he be able to retrieve the chute fabric to fashion some clothing for himself? he wondered. All of sudden, just as the two suns in the sky reached full eclipse and darkness encompassed him, twenty torches lit up along the rampart wall. 'Hey wait a minute', Jim thought, 'I must have been smoking too many of mom's houseplants. All the stuff that's been happening to me is way to improbable to be real. So, since the improbable is probable in this state I'm in, I ought to be able to fly, right?' Jim grunted and freed himself from his parachute spread out his arms and started flapping them. The wind whistled in his ears as he gained velocity. Also, his descent path had steepened and he now saw the reflections of the torches on the surface of the water below him. In the castles keep, the radar operator notices a strange signature the just appeared on his screen, and orders the AA guns to shoot it down. But since the ammo supply for the AA guns was running low, the man in charge for castle defences, Sgt. Judhir'yakkino Xagtriwaaag ordered the AA gun operators to switch to alternative ammo. They loaded standard KLX-035551285562A-FF shells, namely fish guts, rabbit testicles, and dead squirrels. With one mighty synchronised explosion coming from good Sgt.'s multiple rear ends (there were 4 of those) came the order, "FIRE!!! FIRE NOW!!! FOR GODS SAKE PLEASE WOULD YOU FIRE NOW?!"
Meanwhile the Sombrerro Brothers started preparing for the invasion on The Land Without Bathrooms, using their gold plated doorknobs as their main weapons.
Unbelievable amounts of KLX-035551285562A-FF shells created a cloud that was now approaching Jim at a worrying speed. What would he do now? Thinking hardly, Jim exclaimed, my anus is bleeding" and a waterfall of blood poured from that region of his body. For some reason, he didn't pass out. Flapping his arms madly now, Jim desperately tried to manoeuvre himself away from the fast approaching fish-cat-pig-gut-slop-cloud. As he made out the surface of the water on the moat to be 20 feet away, he stopped flapping his arms and executed a near perfect one-armed swan dive into the water (other arm being used to stop the bleeding). This would have been ok, except that me moat was in fact just for looks and a mere 2 and a half feet deep. Jim awoke later at the hospital in a body cast and with nearly an entire box of gauze jammed up his *ss.
The Sombrerro Brothers invasion had met with stiff resistance, mostly in the form of a putrid smell caused by the lack of restroom facilities. The new doorknob model they had issued to the troops without any battle testing was having problems too. It simply was not up to the task of hurling metal projectiles at the enemy. Many of the enlisted men secretly traded the valuable gold knobs for food, sex, and illegal substances and used clubs.
Just then in walked Dink. While Jim was otherwise engaged he had seized power in Jim's army and taken over Holland, but couldn't find the place and was thus in a slightly un-happy mood. He had come to see how Jim was doing and bring him a box of arsenic, so he could end it all. Unfortunately because the arsenic was a liquid suspension it had dissolved the cardboard box Dink brought it in, so Jim couldn't end the torment that way. Frustrated at the hell his life and become, he started smashing his head against the wall, quickly rendering himself unconscious. An indeterminate time later, he groggily awoke in pain, only to find himself in another bed, this time in an LA penthouse.
"Are you awake yet, honey?" A husky, Kathleen Turner like female voice purred in Jim's left ear. He tried to turn toward the voice but he couldn't move. The silky sheets slid under his movement as he tried to reposition his legs. He couldn't do that either. He opened his eyes to see who was talking to him but saw only blackness except for the Beverly Hills lights winking at him through the floor to ceiling windows. Meanwhile, the smell of her perfume came more strongly to him. He sensed the warmth. She was very close by. She was silhouetted against the skyline in the window. Was she wearing anything, Jim wondered. He reached for her but couldn't move his arms. 'WTF!??' thought Jim. He couldn't talk because there was a ball gag in his mouth. It was then that he realized that he was tied down to the bed spread-eagle fashion. A spot light came on. "Oh my god!!!" Jim exclaimed as the woman who had sounded so much like Kathleen Turner turned out to be Janet Reno doing an impersonation of Kathleen Turner. Or rather "MMF mmfmmf mfmff!" as Jim still couldn't get rid of the ball gag in his mouth. "You know, you really mustn't pass out like that every time I get you worked up," said JR as she sat down next to him. The mattress sagged beneath her weight as she settled down and continued: "Now. Be a good boy this time and maybe, just maybe, I will untie your hands." Just then, an AH64A Apache Attack helicopter dropped down to window level with its high intensity search light beam spotting JR and Jim on the bed. It was her other lover, ex-president Bill Clinton. "So this is Joe Shmo is it?" came an angry voice over the speaker, "I have just two words for you.... hold on, I'm being paged. Ok, two words.... that's sad" He flew away and was eaten by a large bat (much to Hillary's delight). Joe agreed it was sad. He hadn't liked Janet Reno anyway, but couldn't do much in his position. So, he consigned himself to his fate, but than he remembered! He could free himself with his trusty lightsaber. Or was it his Force Wand? He'd certainly forced his wand into some interesting places during his adventures! Suddenly an answer flashed through his mind, and a new level of awareness came upon him.. he was trapped in the mind of Michael Moorcock. He knew now why he'd always been strangely attracted to Roger Dean posters. He also knew why JR had been crying "moor cock, moor cock" all night, which sadly depressed him.
"Ommm maaa naaaaaay padmaaaaay hommmmm! Ommm maaa naaaaaay padmaaaaay hommmmm! Ommm maaa naaaaaay padmaaaaay hommmmm!" Jim recited the lotus sutra in his mind to try to find a centre so that he could try to think calmly about his predicament. He'd wished he'd learned something more tantric or yogist but he had never got round to it before...loincloths had turned him off in the past. Ironically, he thought to himself, look at the condition he was in now. JR's heavy weight on the bed came nearer to him. All of a sudden the room goes dark, he slips out of the predicament he is in, jumps out of the window, only to land in an even worse predicament.
Not only had he broken his ankle, but now, as he cradled his damaged joint, he could see, slowly turning the corner, a wave of zombies, out for the taste of man flesh and brains. Reaching for a weapon of sorts he came up dry, the only option now was to run, an endeavour made all the more difficult with his new handicap. As he ran, the trail of blood led them straight after him and they seemed to be gaining on him. "It's only a matter of time" were the only words he could thing about until suddenly, with the creatures just an arms length away, like an enraged bull. JR came bellowing after the zombies, "he's mine! He's mine, get your putrid fleshless hands off of him! Flailing away at the zombies with a cat o nine tails, JR, dressed in leather bustier and spike healed boots, waded into the midst of the undead, heedless of their new interest in her. As this new fracas built toward a new crescendo, Jim hobbled quietly away toward some lights in the distance. It looked to be a lighted doorstep of an incongruously modest one level ranch-style home. The living room was dimly lit and the telltale bluish hued light from TV screen played upon the ceiling. Naked, parched, still bleeding (but not profusely) from his posterior and now hobbled with a broken ankle, Jim whimpered a prayer for relief from this nightmare as he reached the front door. "ommm maaaa naaaaay paadmaaay hommm...." All of a sudden, a car pulls up outside, and Jim is told to get inside. "F*** YOU!" Jim exclaimed as he walked into the house.
The TV was indeed on, but the place appeared to be empty. Jim explored a while and found bandages and the like, as well as some clothing and food. His ankle, he decided was just badly sprained, so he put some ice and propped it up in the recliner. The chair however was old and broke when he tried to get the footrest out. He then tested the beds in each of the three bedrooms to find one with a dip in the middle to accommodate his rear bandages, and fell fast asleep in a room that looked to belong to a little boy. He awoke to a little bearish voice saying, "someone's been sleeping in my bed... and he's still here!" Jim said, "Oh my god, I'm in the 3 urban bears house". "Hey Papa Bear long time no see," Jim said. "Jimmy is that you? I haven't seen you since we ran cocaine shipments from Columbia!" Papa Bear replied. Jim and Papa Bear decided to catch up on old times and head down to the local bar for a few pints of soothing Ale. After the 15th pint Jim was taken to the hospital again and nearly died of alcohol poisoning. Papa bear, weighing several hundred pounds more was merely decked. After his speedy recovery he figured it would be best to hunt down who ever got him into this mess.
He would need to prepare himself and summons his spirit guide, which in Jim's case was a huge, smelly talking Llama named Susan.
"I am Susan, your guide to all that is mysterious, unknown and mystical...or something like that." said Susan. "Oh great Llama Susan" Jim said "Direct me to mine enemies so that I may smite them with something very large and very pointy." She gave him some random bits of information which led him to hunt down those fiends at the lancers reactor, who as far as they were concerned were responsible for...
-two transformations of his g/f
-various hallucinations
-the takeover of a small African country and Holland
-his mum being mad at him
-him becoming momentarily gay
-the odd deaths of bob3turd, Bill Cosby, and Robin Hood
-destruction of the Enterprise and all aboard
-numerous bumps and bruises
-a couple hundred grand in hospital bills
-loss of his job
-his new AA membership
-A nightmare with Janet Reno
-Destruction of his good friends recliner
...and much, much more.
He figured the best revenge was spamming in the TLR off-topic forum, a hitherto taboo act performed only by the most heinous and daring of thread- pirates, who would broadcast their spams from random and hidden locations into the Matr. err OT-Forum. He would have to take on the Moderator- Sentinels, however, and even if he got past those, a greater danger faced him, the sheer terror of the grand sentinel B'arg:ib And Popcorn stands...Yes, popcorn stands and those hideous popcorn selling people, looking at you with their eyes full of hate, thinking God-knows-how horrible things they could do to you, lurking, preparing for evil... Can't you see them...? OMG can't you see how they're looking at ME?!STOP LOOKING AT ME!!! Oh, God, please, anything but the popcorn stands! Spamming is too dangerous, so Jim decided he needed a better solution for revenge, in form of a small amount of the mind-warping substances favoured by Chetnik. Such awesome power in the hands of one so young! Jim trembled with anticipation at the thought of the havoc he could wreak with this precious but oh so dangerous cargo? Would he use it? Should he use it? Moral dilemmas hadn't been high on his list of priorities until now, he was confused (but nothing new there!) but it occurred to him that revenge might often be a double-edged sword that's used to chop down trees, then a Zen like thought struck Jim: 'revenge is like a forest, it is easy to loose your way', after pondering this for a while, he Got dressed, and took a walk down to the local bijou. It was a special Rocky Horror show night starting at 2:00am. He thought that he would recharge his soul by spending a few hours healthily freaking out. He lined up to get a box of cherry filled chocolates, carefully averting his gaze as he approached the popcorn stand... the smell of hot melted butter and freshly popped corn almost overwhelmed him. "Excuse me. Do you have change for a twenty?" A lightly lilting female voice caressed his left ear. Jim couldn't, wouldn't turn his head. Too many times in the past just such a situation brought no end of doom upon him. "It's just that, I put my coin purse in my other G-string and I don't want to have to go home just for that. I tucked this twenty away in my top, thank goodness, but the popcorn lady says she all out of change....."Jim tried not to picture anything and move on but the voice sounded an awful lot like Jessica Rabbit. He ran off to the bathroom and created there another goo spot. No, he had to stay out of all things strange, lest his sanity crack (farther) under the pressure.
But just then, he seemed to wake up, yet again in a lingerie shop, where he stood in front of a huge smelly woman (woman only by physical definition), whose odour he barely survived. "So that's why I was sleeping...", Jim thought. The huge lady slapped him again, shaking her huge tits, making waves of smelly air, and yelling: "You gonna hold this bra or not, I ain't got whole day fer dis ya know!" This was, of course too much, so Jim decided he needed to run out screaming like a stupid idiot, only to realise that he's naked (except for the huge lady's bra he was now wearing), and with considerable erection. People stared at him and that woman, as Jim tried to do an Irish tap dance on top of a fire hydrant. The police report said that Jim had lost it, perhaps permanently, but the evil forum members were not done with him yet, oh no. However, they would have to wait, since he was pretty far-gone by now.
So, Warlord Bob turned his malicious attentions to Jim's best friend from happier times, Dink. Dink was at the moment reading a newspaper in a bathroom stall when a husky voice from the next stall said, "Hey mate, I'm having a bit of trouble squeezing this buggar out, you wouldn't happen to have a pair of scissors would you?" "I have no scissors," said Dink, "All I have is this big Katana. Can you use that?" "Yes I can" he said, and sliced open a worm hole to the Delta Quadrant. The Borg started to pour in, trying to assimilate everything in site. Dink and Jim ran for their lives. They had to find the dragon, he could protect them. The dragon lived by the ocean in the far off land of kana-lee, where legend had it he was quite fond of marijuana. Dink and Jim, who had been released with medications (6 of them) began packing such useful essentials as they would need in the land of kana-lee, such as plasma cannons, a spare pair of underwear, dental floss and a picture of Juni. It was the reason he brought spare pants. Dink also had a picture. He fondled his picture of Janet Reno and put it gently into his rucksack. And so they began their quest for the dragon.
As they sailed across the 8th sea Jim realized that he'd forgotten to pack his Christian Dior lipstick. Oh pooh! now he'd have slum it at Superdrug getting Revlon! oh it just wasn't fair, so he chartered a pirate galleon, sailed to Tortuga and pirated and pillaged a whipped cream factory, so that he could dive into a huge vat of it, one of his life long dreams. Dink was simply happy with clapping it between his hands and watching it flying around like dishwashing soap. The problem was, afterward, they smelled so vile their crew mutinied and left them stranded on the island of Avalon where they met King Arthur. "Great jumping jahousifats!" exclaimed King Arthur, "you smell like whipped cream!" The two explained how this had come to pass. When they got to the part about the mutiny, the king suddenly turned into Eric Idle from Monty Python and started singing the penis song. When all of a sudden, the sky falls. The entire court (including Jim and Dink) stood mouths agape staring at the pieces of shattered sky lying in pieces on the ground. No one knew quite what to say, as this doesn't happen often. Dink made the mistake of looking up, and the lack of sky caused a program fault and the matrix crashed!
Waking Jim up once again to find that he was lying in first class on a British Airways plane with 7 empty shot glasses next to him. He remembered that he was headed to Irkutsk. He had bought the tickets in his drunken stupor. Strolling around in the cold Russian air he suddenly noticed Dink standing around. He ran over to Dink and asked what he was doing here. "I'm preparing for the invasion of Irkutsk from Kamchatka" Dink replied "Janet must be freed!!" Looking around Jim saw 3 red men walk over the line on the ground and start poking 2 green men with their sticks. Suddenly an enormous blue dice fell from the heavens and crushed the reds. Jim, having seen enough strange things in his time decided to think nothing of it and set about walking back to civilisation. Suddenly he was set upon by a nomadic tribe of fictitious barbarians known as "the Jun-Horde." He helplessly watches as his family and fellow villagers are savagely slain by the evil warriors. And as the leader was charging him down, Jim looks at him. The leaders mace was on its way to meet Jim's face when a star in a galaxy far, far away went supernova. This great release of energy opened a wormhole into which a planetary fragment the size of a small elephant drifted. This in turn was deposited in our own earth's atmosphere directly above Dink with a startling "wheeeee" type noise. All turned to look and Jim slipped on a banana peel in doing so, falling flat on his face. The mace missed him by a mile. Dink was now standing under a rather large rock, which fell directly onto his head.
Fortunately, The fragment was from the planet Polystyrene 5, so it just bounced around harmlessly, after squashing several buildings and people, Jim took this as a sign, so he raised his hands to the sky and praised the lord! Unfortunately the lord was feeling bored so he struck Jim down with a thunderbolt. Jim stared at his own dead body. Then Dink walked over and started weeping over it. "Hey Dink over here," shouted Jim. "Oh," said Dink. He stood up and came to Jim's ghost. As they stared at the dead body he started reciting Shakespeare so Dink Began acting out parts to Jim's dialogue. Soon they drew a large crowd and eventually opened a theatre. All was going swimmingly and they both became quite rich. One fateful day, during a performance of "Zlothelo" by William Spectrespere Janet Reno (who was still hunting poor Jim) stood up in the audience and said, "ARREST THAT MAN! HE IS THE FATHER OF MY UNDEAD CHILD!!!!"
However security advanced on Janet Reno to arrest her for stalking Jim when all of a sudden an entirely unexpected event happened, as happens often in this story. Only this one was so unexpected and bizarre that nobody's brain could perceive let alone comprehend it. So, heedless of this latest development, security proceeded to battle it out with Janet and her chains and whips and the play re-commenced. Afterward, the cast (Jim's ghost and Dink) were signing autographs when a particularly hairy girl who looked somewhat familiar walked in, except it wasn't who we are expecting, it was Chewbacca's wife, looking for Chewbacca. She said, "Raaaaaaaaawwr Uhwaaaaaawh Rawr." Then Dink pointed at Jim's ghost and said, "No, rip his arms off, I don't know the guy you're looking for!" Jim then said, "You slime, some loyal friend you are." Jim then proceeded to get his arms ripped off. This was ok, since he was a ghost. What was not ok was that Mrs. Chewbacca was tearing apart their theatre as well!
Just then, a glowing door appears, and Jim and Dink slip through it, and they enter into the land without bathrooms! They were caught in the middle of the final battle between the natives and the remnant of the Sombrerro brother's invasion force (later to be known as the battle of sh*tpile 3). The stench was overpowering, even to Dink who hadn't bathed in 11 years. They figured it would be best to escape from the battle scene by clicking there heels together 3 times and being whisked away to a filthy porno theatre showing 'Big John Holmes does another low down bus station skank the director's cut', with 11 deleted scenes and an extra 45minutes of running time, including an alternative ending of the skank really being Little John Garfunkle. Dink looked a little nervous during this point. Afterward, on the way out, Jim accidentally made eye contact with Sgt. Judhir'yakkino Xagtriwaaag, his new arch-nemesis (as if he didn't have enough of those).He was accompanied by his left-hand man (well, not quite man, more like half goose, half mantis) Gewsioppy Dligwab, and his right- hand man (half dolphin, half poodle + quarter zebra, don't ask how), Ykyxin Ostuj, Sgt.'s middle hand remaining unmanned for the time being...
Meanwhile, The Sombrero Brothers decided to make a final push, in order to make the natives go away, the sh*t that they were treasuring/amounting there was way too precious to abandon, so they used depleted mayonnaise shells, their secret weapon... Anyway, back to the story...)
The evil Sgt. Said, "blwaiiyos qoihpsgv eihnboppun... Ahem! Sorry. You have brought shame to our military organisation, and for that you will pay dearly! But! No, not butt, I do have 4 of those, but not butt! Before we exterminate you, and do funny tricks with your random body parts, mostly those usually confined, I want you to meet my left-hand man, Gewsioppy Dligwab..." Jim interrupted with, "pleasure to meet you, sir..."
Sgt said, "Ahem! ...And my right hand, Ykyxin Ostuj..." Jim: "pleasure to meet you too... You must be a very busy man, especially on lonely Saturday nights..." After which Sgt. busted out (from his 2nd-from-the-left-ass) the miniature-house launcher, ready to fire. Fortunately enough, Jim Produced a subspace time/space/string oscillating displacement intrication defibrillating module which was the size and shape of an English regulation golf ball, only it was transparent and had a neon tangerine orange glow to it. He gripped the module in his right hand, covered his eyes with his left (he has no middle hand, as such) and squeezed it to activate the module. A bright series of spherical light orbs shot out of the module and engulfed the Sgt., his left and right hand adjutants and shrank them into objects smaller than quarks. Dink, who had been trying to figure how he actually could become Jim's middle hand, was groping at Jim. Jim smacked him away with a classic NFL forearm shiver. Now exultant, Jim looked about for a publican where he could savour a hearty quaff of celebratory beverage a pan galactic gargle blaster.
Having had his brain smashed out by a bit of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick, Jim found himself, not for the first or last time, in a severe drunken mess. Suddenly Juni appeared in the corner of the bar. He stumbled over to her a gave her a huge hug. Suddenly his vision cleared and he realized he was hugging Chewbacca, who had a big club and a bad temper and so for completion he himself assumed a bad temper and pull a club from his pocket. By the recurring bad luck Jim was having it got stuck in there. Chewbacca said, "RwaaaaaaGrrrrrrHoooooooooRahahhahahhaRwaaaa" (is that a club in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me). Since he couldn't understand Wookie, Jim just thwacked Chewie round the head with it. At the same time Chewbacca's wife walked and saw this sexual act (in Wookie terms anyway) She then felt the urge to close something due to spam. She could resist it though. What she said to Jim was, " follow the yellow, green and blue road "
Then he awoke in the checkout queue in Ikea, on a wet Saturday afternoon. The banality inflicted by names like Blurk, Plenk and Shtool had driven his mind to seek refuge in alternate realities, which unfortunately were unable to shield him from the agonies he was enduring. But the reality was worse; as Middle England's Neo was finding out. he had a Mondeo Estate. And his credit card had been turned down. Staring unfocused at the tops of his shoes, Jim spotted a large coin next to his left shoe. He stooped down and picked it up. Holding it in his hand he noticed that it had quite a bit of heft to it. It was grimy. He could not make out the denomination or much of the writing on it but he also noticed that it did not have the finished, minted look of contemporary coins. As he pocketed the coin and started to turn to leave the Ikea, he heard the squeak of leather rubbing against leather in syncopation with high-heeled footsteps approach him from behind. "Excuse me", she said, "My hair is on fire!" "That's nice," said Jim, still concentrating on the mysterious coin. 'Perhaps it's a penny for my thoughts,' he thought, but that got him nowhere so he put the coin in his pocket, and then he got swallowed by a giant hamster. It was dark inside the hamster, but there were obviously several other people in there with him. A voice from the back said, "hey, is someone new here?" Another voice "just a sec, I'll light a match" a light flared up inside the giant hamster's belly, and to his horror, Jim saw his old flame (no pun intended) Beryl.
Her name was Beryl. Jim hadn't seen her since the night of his Junior Prom. They had been getting mildly smashed and Jim had little visions of scoring that night when she'd excused herself to take a powder. She'd never come back. Now he sees her #$years later, in that same prom dress, a little raggedy snuggled in the arms of Freddie Armbrister, his most hated archenemy from his Junior year, wearing the same ugly black, orange and yellow plaid tuxedo from that ill fated night. Jim reached for his .50 cal desert eagle, but it wasn't there. Enraged, he shouted, "Have you two been here for the last #$ years! You sl*t! You b*st*rd! And more obscenities I can't come up with!" To this, (insert dudes name here) responded, "Yes. Yes we have. And what are YOU gonna do about it, huh? Pipsqueak!"
"What am I gonna do...? I'm gonna kick your sorry ass goodnight! Hiyaaaaa!!!"
Jim took a SSJ3-transform stance, screaming his throat off. Of course the transformation could not occur, seeing as Jim was only human... So now Jim and Freddie Armbrister stood there completely and utterly confused, looking at each other. Suddenly Beryl asked "Jim, what the Hell do you think you're doing?!"
"I... I... Why did you leave me like that? Was it something I did?"
"Well you did drool all over the place, stare at my tits all the time, had a huge hardon... Not that it didn't compliment me, but... You know"
"Yes, but choosing that idiot instead of me... It hurts and... AAAAAAAAHH!!!"
A blazing light seared out of Jim's chest for a few seconds, a tear dropped on the ground and so did Jim, falling on his knees, than falling completely, lifelessly down on the ground, raising a cloud of dust...
Beryl ran over to Jim, knelt beside him, screaming "Jim! I'm sorry Jim! Please... Wake up... Wake up Jim!"
"WAKE UP!!!" Jim woke up with blurred vision, Dink was now standing over him, trying to wake him up... *SLAP! * "WAKE UP!!!"
"OK OK OK!! I'm awake..."
"Beryl..." said Jim looking around trying to find out where he is. He saw Saigon. sh*t! He was still in Saigon and Beryl and Freddie were still making out in the hamster! Or wait... had it been real? "Calm down" said Dink, "you've missed your medication" "oh... I suppose that makes sense," said Jim. He remembered he had indeed skipped his last few doses of medication and reached into his pocket to find them. To his bemusement, instead of 6 pill bottles he discovered 6 bottles of Jack Daniels. So him and dink proceeded to drink that lot which unfortunately for them they fell asleep again... only to wake in a floating rock, in the middle of the Xen dimension.
"Hey!" said Jim, "wtf is the Xen dimension?" "Dunno," said Dink, "but floating rocks? This is awesome!" Jim agreed, and off they went to play with things where physical laws do not apply. Jim grabbed a nearby planet the size of Pluto and ate it in one bite. Dink turned into a monkey and blew up... twice. But little did they know, such fun in the Xen dimension comes at a terrible price. They will be trapped here forever, until someone writes in a plot hole for them to escape through. Very slowly, Jim formed a thought. He had to go slowly because Dink's exploding monkey routine kept messing up his concentration. He thought (and moved his lips while he thought): "In the Xen Dimension, the laws of physics don't apply. So what laws do apply? Hmmmm. What's a law? Hmmmm. What's an apply?" Dink, tired of exploding, turned himself into a trans dimensional mass driver and started shooting the floating rocks around him into other universes. Finding that most of the floating rocks lacked enough specific mass for him to feel an 'oomph,' just for the heck of it. He eyed Jim. If Dink didn't know what Jim was actually doing (which he didn't, actually) he would have thought that Jim was straining for a b.m. Not really wanting to be in much proximity to Jim in the aftermath, Dink shot Jim off into "another" dimension, which one, he did not particularly take note. Oh and yes. Dink did get a satisfying 'oomph.'
As long as it wasn't somewhere where apes dominated human beings and kept them as slaves Dink figured Jim would be ok. But it was . *Resounding male voice over booms* "THE PLANET OF THE HAIRLESS APES!" Jim was just about to ask, "What's phys-" when he found himself skidding butt first across a slick marble floor. He looked about and saw a blur of figures scattering away to clear a path for his progress. Just as the heat from his slide was about to turn unbearable, he came to a halt. His pants seat still being too hot to rest upon, he hopped up and stood and looked around. He was surrounded by naked apes. Well, sort of apes. The people all had somewhat simian-like faces, with very elongated upper lips. Male and female alike had the same sideburns, except that the females tended to sweep the sideburns back while the males cut them to stand out sideways like brushes. And, well, they were naked. No hair. If you couldn't tell their gender by looking at their faces, a quick glance downward revealed all. But they wore shoes. Well, booties actually. A rather older (grey sideburns) seeming and larger male stepped forward and said, oh cr*p, there's humans playing around in the Xen dimension again." A few instructions were issued and two of the naked ape folk popped out of existence, returning shortly with a rather confused Dink. "Now, now," said the old ape thing, "you know your not to play in the Xen dimension. Now run on home and mind your masters" "Well we could" said dink, "but we need to get back to something resembling normality." "With these writers? I don't think so," thought one of the monkeys, just before throwing some teleporting sherbet lemons at them both.
But the monkey had made a terrible mistake. They were not teleporting sherbet lemons, they were ultimo-destructo-multiplicity-cosmos-thing- blasphemy sherbet lemons! Jim says the lemons approaching and laughed, for at last, he knew it was finally over. The lemons impacted squarely on Jim's left shoe and the universe promptly ended. But the universe did not end... no!... far from ending it did.
The universe just imploded in a fraction of a microsecond. and after three million years of soul-drudging non-existence, the universe came to be again with the 2nd Big Bang. killing Jim in the blast, and sent the Atom Fragments©® to all corners of this newly created universe, which in the process damaged the atomically cohesion so much that the original atomary cohesion construction never again could be restored. which pleasantly finally sent the 5 times resurrected body and ghost of our poor Jim to rest. And 8 Billion years later on a planet with high technological capabilities somewhere in a galaxy in this new universe. They found the original transcripts out of the atoms in this universe and read about the poor lad Jim, and all of his weird adventures on this thing called an OT forum, and they promptly decided to give him a proper burial and named a newly found system after him.
Then Jim and Dink were recreated by an alien technique of realigning the space-time continuum, but only for a day, then the thread would be lost forever. Jim and Dink were able to spend one last perfect day with each other. Finally, at the end of that last day, they lay down on the bed and declared their love for each other. Dink put his head into Jim's arms, and they lay back, and went to sleep, never to wake again, their final thoughts of the happiness they'd brought to the TLR OT forum so many ages past, long ago.
Thanks to: {NH}blade_chaser, Sir Spectre, Jim Groovester, Warlord Bob, Zone, RILMS, zlo, freighter fighter, Tawakalna, Killzone, |-Entropy-|, Chetnik, Mustang, bob3terd, Huffer, Indy11, Arcon, topher, kumari, Wizard, and Locutus for writing the story that I have proofread and stuck my name on.
"I don't have a girlfriend anymore!" he said. Without a second thought he pulled his Muala pistol and fired three shots but missed completely cause he was so shocked by his g/f. He realised he shouldn't have skipped the munchies and he was growing faint. She noticed this. "Why don't you taste this alien bacterial slime?" she said, "It's quite good" *evil smile*. He realized that the slime did indeed look quite a bit like green jello... his favourite flavour! But Jim looks and decides to himself no way I've read in the papers that there's something about green looking jelly stuff that cause satanic rituals to happen but he couldn't resist. He was drawn to the green substance...and he was rather hungry. He placed his hand on her and started licking the jelly off her neck. He didn't stop till he reached cervical vertebrae.
Just then, Juni calls and asks, "why didn't you meet me last night?" Jim looks at the phone and thinks surely I'm dreaming 'cause Juni is a pixel image on the computer (although one with a nice but). Then it hits him this is what people have been talking about in the papers the green jello like substance. The rumour is that it gives you telekinetic subconscious powers on the sub-molecular level, allowing you to construct in the real world something from your subconscious... so this Juni could be real! But then Jim woke up. He realised that there was a jelly-like substance, it wasn't green, but white, and he would have to wash his bed sheets without anyone finding out Unfortunately that was easier said than done.... the washing machine was broken and there was the staring of a nasty great stain.... Jim didn't know what to do.
But suddenly up popped Jim from the future and told him that the green slime would take over the world and that he was the world's only hope and he would be the beginnings of interstellar travel. However, with all these great future prospects, the poor guy still had these nasty stains to take care of. It seemed that the survival of mankind depended on such a trifle, yet a very challenging one. Meanwhile, Jim's friend Dink was wondering why his parents named him that. He had nothing better to do, as he was waiting on the delivery of his new washer/drier set, when suddenly, Hugh Grant parachuted in through the conservatory roof; which was nice and promptly got shot, as people were expecting terrorists and not an actor.
Jim looked around and thought hmm I'm going to make some tea maybe some camomile his girlfriend then stood up and suddenly turned into Chewbacca, playing a ukulele, singing "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep." Jim looked askance at this bizarre sight, pondering the realisation that his girlfriend, despite her bulky matted form into which she had been transmuted, possessed a rather delightful alto singing voice! Could she become the new Charlotte Church, he wondered, imaging his pockets lined with sixpences from the Christmas busking he was already planning. Jim decided that maybe him and his very hair g/f should go on tour in the mental institution, but there would be time for that later. He still had a rather nasty mess to clean up.
Meanwhile Jim logged onto the Lancers Reactor and checked up on a thread called "the freelancer men are from mars woman are from somewhere else story" and laughed at the plight of the protagonist. Jim finally got down to that ugly mess of his using the well know stain removal called 'Eat it up while it's still fresh'. Calling Dink, he inquired as to whether the new washer/drier set had arrived as he had some 'urgent business' to attend to at the local curry house. Dink however was from America and had no clue what a curry house was. He simply told Jim that his order had been cancelled because the transport company that had been hired to deliver Jim's washer had been ambushed by the evil Dr. Henkiel's ill-tempered giant tree frogs.
"Damn those evil tree frogs!!" screamed Jim with a fist in the air. "Let us hunt them down and kill them" he said to Dink as he got into his Mech. "I want that washer!!" he screamed...which sadly, was his battle cry. "Let the china set break!" was Dink's war cry for a reason from his childhood. And cry they did when they were no match for the map they used to find the truck they knew not where it sat. So the streets they roam, not in Rome, but some roamin' they do do, where they step in some doo doo from the evil tree frog. "Got the wily buggars!!" Jim said and hoped back in his Mech.
Unfortunately Jim finally realised that his Mech was made from nothing but old cardboard boxes and duct tape, which he had pieced together after eating half a kilo of mushrooms that were growing in his backyard. Thankfully though, Jim had recently frequented the garage sale of a Russian Mafia member and purchased 3 ton of ex-Soviet military hardware. So he advertised in his local newspaper for volunteers and mercenaries, then used his ill-gotten weaponry in an attempt to liberate the small African country of Rumbabwe from it's evil dictator President-for-Life Umboko Ebagum. Unfortunately Jim had forgotten that the stained sheets still hadn't been washed, and embarrassingly while he was embarking with his army of misfits in his purloined Antonov transport plane (which was causing a few stares at Milwaukee Municipal Airport) his mum frogmarched him off by the ear and gave him a good scolding for being a very naughty little boy. Which was an achievement considering he was dressed in a 40ft high mobile armour unit with "Caution" emblazoned down the side, along with decals of several tree frogs that he'd disposed of recently; however he couldn't exactly launch his SMART missiles at his mum, could he? Although it would have the tragic touch so favoured of mecha-animé, along with a facial close-up and a slight passing breeze wafting a few strands of hair across his face sitting alone in his room later, staring blankly at the various glops and goo-stains around his bedroom from the activities of only a few short hours before, Jim reflected on the cruelties of fate and the fickleness of Lady Fortune. In a moment of bizarre impulsiveness brought on by this reflective state, he put his tongue to the now-dry white stains...
Jim woke up from a dream within a dream, to find himself in some sort of power plant. "I wonder if I'm still in a dream or if this is reality?" Jim said groggily "What is this place anyway?" Jim began to walk down a long dark hallway; the only sound a 200-decibel turbine blaring away in the background. At the end of the hallway he found a circular room with TV's in every direction and a man sitting in a chair. "Who are you?" Jim asked.
"I am the architect and you are in a very average movie."
"Noooooooooooo..." Jim screamed. "Yes indeed", said the architect, "and you shall be in the sequel, which begins well enough and falls apart from the middle and has disintegrated by the end. I speak of the 3rd film, what film do you speak of mortal?" said the architect.
"What?!? You're nuts you bearded old geezer" Jim said as he withdrew the Mosin Nagant revolver he had strapped to his thigh and then promptly shot the architect right between the eyes. Jim paused to look at the brains and bits of skull splattered all over the wall and said "Hey, that reminds me..." Suddenly the room explodes in a huge ball of flame, leaving Jim in a spot of bother. Fortunately, Jim had his trusty Port-a-shield activated and took little damage from the blast. But now he was left with a problem. He was 6 stories up. So, he did the only thing a person could do 6 stories up and on a planet with a positive gravity. He fell. The blast though had made a large hole in the ground and ruptured several water mains so a small lake formed beneath as he fell. With a triple pike and double somersault he landed without a splash, but accidently swallowing a small cormorant that was diving for food.
Then he woke up again! This is the third time this has happened he reflected. Not long after this he realized he was falling! Fast. Down below him he could just make out the planet Mongo and Lord Ming was laughing at him for falling like a silly boy that he is. Once he hit the floor he looked around and thought to him self 'damn I need to get some more of that green jello'. However, there was no such thing as jello on planet Mongo. This angered Jim. He set out to conquer it. Jim decided that killing was wrong and decided that he would walk round Ming's garden and breath in the smell of Mongolian roses and contemplated what bubble bath to use later. Then he got a photo-message from his best friend showing off her engagement ring. Jim seethes win envy but just feigns a nonchalant smile and says, "that's nice" then sits down with a box of hankies, a Baileys and some chocolate to watch "Muriel's Wedding" for the 20th time. After about 20mins and two trips to the loo, Jim decides it's time to wash his hair then read the latest horoscopes in Cosmo. He turned to the horoscope page and looked under hyacicmithius and it said, "Fortune is pervasive in your life", which he took to mean that somebody was spying on him. So he pulled out his heat vision goggles and immediately found the perpetrator.
He pulled out his Mosin Nagant sniper rifle and knocked the fellow, since killing was, by his strange new morals, wrong. The fellow, now quite unconscious and with something like "tnagaN nisoM" (Mosin Nagant backwards) imbedded in the top of his head bore a startling resemblance to a flying cow that was over head. Jim looked up at the cow of the sky and marvelled at it's beauty, but because quite distraught when the cow went to the bathroom above Jim's immediate area. A squadron of flying pigs then followed it. Jim sees another spying person by the name of bob3terd and
suddenly reverts to his old magna style fighting days he pulls out his massive energy flux blade and severs bob in to tiny pieces, which he then uses to make a nice quiche for the dinner party he's having tonight. Unfortunately he hasn't got anything to wear and he's forgotten his ninja death suit, for his Japanese theme party. Jim in his ninja death suit stomped around looking for something to do, when suddenly appeared Bill Cosby, so Jim finally decides its time to end the mans misery by committing hari kari. He knelt down and pointed the blade at his chest. But just when he was about to plunge the blade into his chest, an earthquake happened and Jim's grip on the knife loosened and the blade got away. Jim looks at the blade falling down the crevice opened up by the earthquake. Suddenly he sees his girlfriend walking around down there in the untold depths of the earths core seeing an opportunity he dives right in leaving Bill on his own. Jim spirals down and down still hearing the voice of his (hairy) g/f. Bill Cosby, pleased to be alive, starts doing that bothersome slo-mo tap dance thing he does at the beginning of his shows and is promptly shot by a policeman. He falls into the crevice and plunges after Jim. Cosby plunges after Jim. He looks up and sees the corpse of the comedian following him. He tries to go faster, but the dead weight is too much and it hits Jim and he falls uncontrollably towards his g/f. Unable to stop himself, Jim does the only thing any sane man would do. He attempts to use the Force and keeps falling, for he is not trained in the Force, and no plot holes will save you from that, no matter how convenient.
His g/f sees him plunging and whips out her trusty carry along mattress and jim lands and that safely while Bill Cosby hits the floor with the sickening crunch of a wet corpse. The wet corpse remains spray liberally around but he and g/f are so caught up with the moment that they don't notice. Another thing they don't notice is that the little green lines appearing periodically through the supposedly solid rock, until the simulation de-stabilized altogether and his g/f finds herself alone on the Enterprise holodeck. "Lord...this isn't my day", Jim says. Just as he realised he was still hungry and decided to get some munchies. Just then the ships warp core overloaded, killing everyone on board, including Jim, who wakes up YET AGAIN in his bathtub, with a blinding headache and two empty bottles of tequila. When his g/f hurriedly tumbles into the bathroom to hork, she too has been well beyond sober the previous night. The sight, sound and smell starts an unwanted and yet all too familiar churning in Jim's gut and the bath water soon becomes something one would not wash ones self in. Jim is forced to shower the muck off of himself. When he gets out he slips in a little overflow spittle from his g/f and smacks the back of his head on the toilet paper holder. Rebounding off the fresh roll of extra soft triple ply quilted TP the back of his head smacks the floor.... bright little globs of greenish-whitish light dance in his eyes as he hears the TP roll fuddafuddafuddafudda and gently bury his face with triple ply quilting. The paper is soft and warm, and Jim is soon fast asleep in the puddle of puke.
Floating in a dark warm place, Jim feels a slap on the face. Light slowly creeps into the slits of his eyes. Slap! Again he is hit. Jim groggily makes out Juni's face and hears her calling him by some weird name. Bent? Brent? Kent? But soon Juni is replaced by Jessica Rabbit. She draws him closer to her. He gazes at her, unable to look away. Attracted by her...shiny outfit. But then he thinks 'oh my god, I'm 6 months late for work!!' and jumps up with a start, ready to dash to save any career prospects he may have left, when he realises that he's actually dressed as a nun, and is in a small chapel on the upper floor of the Convent of St. Hypatia's College for Fallen Women, and it's communal shower time. What will Jim do next? What any red-blooded male would do! His hands rushing about trying to shuck off the coarse woollen habit he is wearing, Jim finally notices the heavy weight of cast iron around his waist and, to his utter disbelief, covering his privates. Finally unclothed, Jim sees that he is wearing a monstrous looking cast iron chastity belt. Thump. Thump. Thump. Someone knocks at his bedchamber door. Jim couldn't watch...the door creaked open and there stood the Robin Hood fellow from 'Men in tights' holding a key that presumably fit the lock on the wretched belt. You're not my princess!" He exclaimed! "Or wait... I wasn't that drunk was I?" Jim didn't remember. He had been drunk too. "I don't know M'lord" he said, "I just don't know." Cautiously that RH fellow steps into the chamber. Dangling the key from its string and twirling it about. Tiny beads of sweat started to bud on Jim's upper lip. This can't be good, he thought. His mouth tasted of cotton and suddenly, he felt parched. He tried to say something but he had no voice. Just then, over RH's right shoulder, Jim sees a kitty! There is something particularly interesting about this kitty though. It is flying. This is because it has recently been thrown by one of RH's enemies and is a Peruvian death kitty, trained from birth to kill. RH takes this moment to execute a quick turn toward the door and the animal collides with his hand, happily mauling it beyond recognition and sending the key to poor Jim's belt flying toward the tower window.
The conveniently place hole in the wall below the window now made sense to Jim. It wasn't supposed to be a niche to store your valuables, it was a foothold! Yes. That was it. It was a foothold to get him up to window level. Jim, clad only in a loincloth.... err extremely heavy chastity belt, chased after the key as it gracefully arced toward the window in a clearly outbound trajectory. The key sailed onward, spinning majestically about its centre of gravity, chain dangling behind. Jim let out a long low, "nnnnnooooooooooooooo" as he lumbered toward the foothold. The kitty, having dispatched RH began to feed on his carcass. Jim now sailed through the window still in slow motion and in hot pursuit of the key. The key now sparkling silver in the afternoon sun began to loose its momentum and started its decent towards the moat below. Jim and his cast iron chastity belt however had left the window at a greater velocity than the key and found himself directly below it. With one mighty thrust of his pelvis (Elvis Style) Jim caught the key squarely in the lock and removed the chastity belt just in time to deploy the parachute that he had conveniently (yet somewhat strangely) stuffed in his ass crack the previous evening. The parachute deployment was less than optimal, given the part of the anatomy from which it was ejected. Wafting across the moat while facing downward Jim sees that is rate of descent is slightly faster than desirable. He will have but one chance to reach out to a gargoyle before being splatted against the rampart wall.
A cold wet wind had started to blow, making Jim's teeth chatter. Would he be able to retrieve the chute fabric to fashion some clothing for himself? he wondered. All of sudden, just as the two suns in the sky reached full eclipse and darkness encompassed him, twenty torches lit up along the rampart wall. 'Hey wait a minute', Jim thought, 'I must have been smoking too many of mom's houseplants. All the stuff that's been happening to me is way to improbable to be real. So, since the improbable is probable in this state I'm in, I ought to be able to fly, right?' Jim grunted and freed himself from his parachute spread out his arms and started flapping them. The wind whistled in his ears as he gained velocity. Also, his descent path had steepened and he now saw the reflections of the torches on the surface of the water below him. In the castles keep, the radar operator notices a strange signature the just appeared on his screen, and orders the AA guns to shoot it down. But since the ammo supply for the AA guns was running low, the man in charge for castle defences, Sgt. Judhir'yakkino Xagtriwaaag ordered the AA gun operators to switch to alternative ammo. They loaded standard KLX-035551285562A-FF shells, namely fish guts, rabbit testicles, and dead squirrels. With one mighty synchronised explosion coming from good Sgt.'s multiple rear ends (there were 4 of those) came the order, "FIRE!!! FIRE NOW!!! FOR GODS SAKE PLEASE WOULD YOU FIRE NOW?!"
Meanwhile the Sombrerro Brothers started preparing for the invasion on The Land Without Bathrooms, using their gold plated doorknobs as their main weapons.
Unbelievable amounts of KLX-035551285562A-FF shells created a cloud that was now approaching Jim at a worrying speed. What would he do now? Thinking hardly, Jim exclaimed, my anus is bleeding" and a waterfall of blood poured from that region of his body. For some reason, he didn't pass out. Flapping his arms madly now, Jim desperately tried to manoeuvre himself away from the fast approaching fish-cat-pig-gut-slop-cloud. As he made out the surface of the water on the moat to be 20 feet away, he stopped flapping his arms and executed a near perfect one-armed swan dive into the water (other arm being used to stop the bleeding). This would have been ok, except that me moat was in fact just for looks and a mere 2 and a half feet deep. Jim awoke later at the hospital in a body cast and with nearly an entire box of gauze jammed up his *ss.
The Sombrerro Brothers invasion had met with stiff resistance, mostly in the form of a putrid smell caused by the lack of restroom facilities. The new doorknob model they had issued to the troops without any battle testing was having problems too. It simply was not up to the task of hurling metal projectiles at the enemy. Many of the enlisted men secretly traded the valuable gold knobs for food, sex, and illegal substances and used clubs.
Just then in walked Dink. While Jim was otherwise engaged he had seized power in Jim's army and taken over Holland, but couldn't find the place and was thus in a slightly un-happy mood. He had come to see how Jim was doing and bring him a box of arsenic, so he could end it all. Unfortunately because the arsenic was a liquid suspension it had dissolved the cardboard box Dink brought it in, so Jim couldn't end the torment that way. Frustrated at the hell his life and become, he started smashing his head against the wall, quickly rendering himself unconscious. An indeterminate time later, he groggily awoke in pain, only to find himself in another bed, this time in an LA penthouse.
"Are you awake yet, honey?" A husky, Kathleen Turner like female voice purred in Jim's left ear. He tried to turn toward the voice but he couldn't move. The silky sheets slid under his movement as he tried to reposition his legs. He couldn't do that either. He opened his eyes to see who was talking to him but saw only blackness except for the Beverly Hills lights winking at him through the floor to ceiling windows. Meanwhile, the smell of her perfume came more strongly to him. He sensed the warmth. She was very close by. She was silhouetted against the skyline in the window. Was she wearing anything, Jim wondered. He reached for her but couldn't move his arms. 'WTF!??' thought Jim. He couldn't talk because there was a ball gag in his mouth. It was then that he realized that he was tied down to the bed spread-eagle fashion. A spot light came on. "Oh my god!!!" Jim exclaimed as the woman who had sounded so much like Kathleen Turner turned out to be Janet Reno doing an impersonation of Kathleen Turner. Or rather "MMF mmfmmf mfmff!" as Jim still couldn't get rid of the ball gag in his mouth. "You know, you really mustn't pass out like that every time I get you worked up," said JR as she sat down next to him. The mattress sagged beneath her weight as she settled down and continued: "Now. Be a good boy this time and maybe, just maybe, I will untie your hands." Just then, an AH64A Apache Attack helicopter dropped down to window level with its high intensity search light beam spotting JR and Jim on the bed. It was her other lover, ex-president Bill Clinton. "So this is Joe Shmo is it?" came an angry voice over the speaker, "I have just two words for you.... hold on, I'm being paged. Ok, two words.... that's sad" He flew away and was eaten by a large bat (much to Hillary's delight). Joe agreed it was sad. He hadn't liked Janet Reno anyway, but couldn't do much in his position. So, he consigned himself to his fate, but than he remembered! He could free himself with his trusty lightsaber. Or was it his Force Wand? He'd certainly forced his wand into some interesting places during his adventures! Suddenly an answer flashed through his mind, and a new level of awareness came upon him.. he was trapped in the mind of Michael Moorcock. He knew now why he'd always been strangely attracted to Roger Dean posters. He also knew why JR had been crying "moor cock, moor cock" all night, which sadly depressed him.
"Ommm maaa naaaaaay padmaaaaay hommmmm! Ommm maaa naaaaaay padmaaaaay hommmmm! Ommm maaa naaaaaay padmaaaaay hommmmm!" Jim recited the lotus sutra in his mind to try to find a centre so that he could try to think calmly about his predicament. He'd wished he'd learned something more tantric or yogist but he had never got round to it before...loincloths had turned him off in the past. Ironically, he thought to himself, look at the condition he was in now. JR's heavy weight on the bed came nearer to him. All of a sudden the room goes dark, he slips out of the predicament he is in, jumps out of the window, only to land in an even worse predicament.
Not only had he broken his ankle, but now, as he cradled his damaged joint, he could see, slowly turning the corner, a wave of zombies, out for the taste of man flesh and brains. Reaching for a weapon of sorts he came up dry, the only option now was to run, an endeavour made all the more difficult with his new handicap. As he ran, the trail of blood led them straight after him and they seemed to be gaining on him. "It's only a matter of time" were the only words he could thing about until suddenly, with the creatures just an arms length away, like an enraged bull. JR came bellowing after the zombies, "he's mine! He's mine, get your putrid fleshless hands off of him! Flailing away at the zombies with a cat o nine tails, JR, dressed in leather bustier and spike healed boots, waded into the midst of the undead, heedless of their new interest in her. As this new fracas built toward a new crescendo, Jim hobbled quietly away toward some lights in the distance. It looked to be a lighted doorstep of an incongruously modest one level ranch-style home. The living room was dimly lit and the telltale bluish hued light from TV screen played upon the ceiling. Naked, parched, still bleeding (but not profusely) from his posterior and now hobbled with a broken ankle, Jim whimpered a prayer for relief from this nightmare as he reached the front door. "ommm maaaa naaaaay paadmaaay hommm...." All of a sudden, a car pulls up outside, and Jim is told to get inside. "F*** YOU!" Jim exclaimed as he walked into the house.
The TV was indeed on, but the place appeared to be empty. Jim explored a while and found bandages and the like, as well as some clothing and food. His ankle, he decided was just badly sprained, so he put some ice and propped it up in the recliner. The chair however was old and broke when he tried to get the footrest out. He then tested the beds in each of the three bedrooms to find one with a dip in the middle to accommodate his rear bandages, and fell fast asleep in a room that looked to belong to a little boy. He awoke to a little bearish voice saying, "someone's been sleeping in my bed... and he's still here!" Jim said, "Oh my god, I'm in the 3 urban bears house". "Hey Papa Bear long time no see," Jim said. "Jimmy is that you? I haven't seen you since we ran cocaine shipments from Columbia!" Papa Bear replied. Jim and Papa Bear decided to catch up on old times and head down to the local bar for a few pints of soothing Ale. After the 15th pint Jim was taken to the hospital again and nearly died of alcohol poisoning. Papa bear, weighing several hundred pounds more was merely decked. After his speedy recovery he figured it would be best to hunt down who ever got him into this mess.
He would need to prepare himself and summons his spirit guide, which in Jim's case was a huge, smelly talking Llama named Susan.
"I am Susan, your guide to all that is mysterious, unknown and mystical...or something like that." said Susan. "Oh great Llama Susan" Jim said "Direct me to mine enemies so that I may smite them with something very large and very pointy." She gave him some random bits of information which led him to hunt down those fiends at the lancers reactor, who as far as they were concerned were responsible for...
-two transformations of his g/f
-various hallucinations
-the takeover of a small African country and Holland
-his mum being mad at him
-him becoming momentarily gay
-the odd deaths of bob3turd, Bill Cosby, and Robin Hood
-destruction of the Enterprise and all aboard
-numerous bumps and bruises
-a couple hundred grand in hospital bills
-loss of his job
-his new AA membership
-A nightmare with Janet Reno
-Destruction of his good friends recliner
...and much, much more.
He figured the best revenge was spamming in the TLR off-topic forum, a hitherto taboo act performed only by the most heinous and daring of thread- pirates, who would broadcast their spams from random and hidden locations into the Matr. err OT-Forum. He would have to take on the Moderator- Sentinels, however, and even if he got past those, a greater danger faced him, the sheer terror of the grand sentinel B'arg:ib And Popcorn stands...Yes, popcorn stands and those hideous popcorn selling people, looking at you with their eyes full of hate, thinking God-knows-how horrible things they could do to you, lurking, preparing for evil... Can't you see them...? OMG can't you see how they're looking at ME?!STOP LOOKING AT ME!!! Oh, God, please, anything but the popcorn stands! Spamming is too dangerous, so Jim decided he needed a better solution for revenge, in form of a small amount of the mind-warping substances favoured by Chetnik. Such awesome power in the hands of one so young! Jim trembled with anticipation at the thought of the havoc he could wreak with this precious but oh so dangerous cargo? Would he use it? Should he use it? Moral dilemmas hadn't been high on his list of priorities until now, he was confused (but nothing new there!) but it occurred to him that revenge might often be a double-edged sword that's used to chop down trees, then a Zen like thought struck Jim: 'revenge is like a forest, it is easy to loose your way', after pondering this for a while, he Got dressed, and took a walk down to the local bijou. It was a special Rocky Horror show night starting at 2:00am. He thought that he would recharge his soul by spending a few hours healthily freaking out. He lined up to get a box of cherry filled chocolates, carefully averting his gaze as he approached the popcorn stand... the smell of hot melted butter and freshly popped corn almost overwhelmed him. "Excuse me. Do you have change for a twenty?" A lightly lilting female voice caressed his left ear. Jim couldn't, wouldn't turn his head. Too many times in the past just such a situation brought no end of doom upon him. "It's just that, I put my coin purse in my other G-string and I don't want to have to go home just for that. I tucked this twenty away in my top, thank goodness, but the popcorn lady says she all out of change....."Jim tried not to picture anything and move on but the voice sounded an awful lot like Jessica Rabbit. He ran off to the bathroom and created there another goo spot. No, he had to stay out of all things strange, lest his sanity crack (farther) under the pressure.
But just then, he seemed to wake up, yet again in a lingerie shop, where he stood in front of a huge smelly woman (woman only by physical definition), whose odour he barely survived. "So that's why I was sleeping...", Jim thought. The huge lady slapped him again, shaking her huge tits, making waves of smelly air, and yelling: "You gonna hold this bra or not, I ain't got whole day fer dis ya know!" This was, of course too much, so Jim decided he needed to run out screaming like a stupid idiot, only to realise that he's naked (except for the huge lady's bra he was now wearing), and with considerable erection. People stared at him and that woman, as Jim tried to do an Irish tap dance on top of a fire hydrant. The police report said that Jim had lost it, perhaps permanently, but the evil forum members were not done with him yet, oh no. However, they would have to wait, since he was pretty far-gone by now.
So, Warlord Bob turned his malicious attentions to Jim's best friend from happier times, Dink. Dink was at the moment reading a newspaper in a bathroom stall when a husky voice from the next stall said, "Hey mate, I'm having a bit of trouble squeezing this buggar out, you wouldn't happen to have a pair of scissors would you?" "I have no scissors," said Dink, "All I have is this big Katana. Can you use that?" "Yes I can" he said, and sliced open a worm hole to the Delta Quadrant. The Borg started to pour in, trying to assimilate everything in site. Dink and Jim ran for their lives. They had to find the dragon, he could protect them. The dragon lived by the ocean in the far off land of kana-lee, where legend had it he was quite fond of marijuana. Dink and Jim, who had been released with medications (6 of them) began packing such useful essentials as they would need in the land of kana-lee, such as plasma cannons, a spare pair of underwear, dental floss and a picture of Juni. It was the reason he brought spare pants. Dink also had a picture. He fondled his picture of Janet Reno and put it gently into his rucksack. And so they began their quest for the dragon.
As they sailed across the 8th sea Jim realized that he'd forgotten to pack his Christian Dior lipstick. Oh pooh! now he'd have slum it at Superdrug getting Revlon! oh it just wasn't fair, so he chartered a pirate galleon, sailed to Tortuga and pirated and pillaged a whipped cream factory, so that he could dive into a huge vat of it, one of his life long dreams. Dink was simply happy with clapping it between his hands and watching it flying around like dishwashing soap. The problem was, afterward, they smelled so vile their crew mutinied and left them stranded on the island of Avalon where they met King Arthur. "Great jumping jahousifats!" exclaimed King Arthur, "you smell like whipped cream!" The two explained how this had come to pass. When they got to the part about the mutiny, the king suddenly turned into Eric Idle from Monty Python and started singing the penis song. When all of a sudden, the sky falls. The entire court (including Jim and Dink) stood mouths agape staring at the pieces of shattered sky lying in pieces on the ground. No one knew quite what to say, as this doesn't happen often. Dink made the mistake of looking up, and the lack of sky caused a program fault and the matrix crashed!
Waking Jim up once again to find that he was lying in first class on a British Airways plane with 7 empty shot glasses next to him. He remembered that he was headed to Irkutsk. He had bought the tickets in his drunken stupor. Strolling around in the cold Russian air he suddenly noticed Dink standing around. He ran over to Dink and asked what he was doing here. "I'm preparing for the invasion of Irkutsk from Kamchatka" Dink replied "Janet must be freed!!" Looking around Jim saw 3 red men walk over the line on the ground and start poking 2 green men with their sticks. Suddenly an enormous blue dice fell from the heavens and crushed the reds. Jim, having seen enough strange things in his time decided to think nothing of it and set about walking back to civilisation. Suddenly he was set upon by a nomadic tribe of fictitious barbarians known as "the Jun-Horde." He helplessly watches as his family and fellow villagers are savagely slain by the evil warriors. And as the leader was charging him down, Jim looks at him. The leaders mace was on its way to meet Jim's face when a star in a galaxy far, far away went supernova. This great release of energy opened a wormhole into which a planetary fragment the size of a small elephant drifted. This in turn was deposited in our own earth's atmosphere directly above Dink with a startling "wheeeee" type noise. All turned to look and Jim slipped on a banana peel in doing so, falling flat on his face. The mace missed him by a mile. Dink was now standing under a rather large rock, which fell directly onto his head.
Fortunately, The fragment was from the planet Polystyrene 5, so it just bounced around harmlessly, after squashing several buildings and people, Jim took this as a sign, so he raised his hands to the sky and praised the lord! Unfortunately the lord was feeling bored so he struck Jim down with a thunderbolt. Jim stared at his own dead body. Then Dink walked over and started weeping over it. "Hey Dink over here," shouted Jim. "Oh," said Dink. He stood up and came to Jim's ghost. As they stared at the dead body he started reciting Shakespeare so Dink Began acting out parts to Jim's dialogue. Soon they drew a large crowd and eventually opened a theatre. All was going swimmingly and they both became quite rich. One fateful day, during a performance of "Zlothelo" by William Spectrespere Janet Reno (who was still hunting poor Jim) stood up in the audience and said, "ARREST THAT MAN! HE IS THE FATHER OF MY UNDEAD CHILD!!!!"
However security advanced on Janet Reno to arrest her for stalking Jim when all of a sudden an entirely unexpected event happened, as happens often in this story. Only this one was so unexpected and bizarre that nobody's brain could perceive let alone comprehend it. So, heedless of this latest development, security proceeded to battle it out with Janet and her chains and whips and the play re-commenced. Afterward, the cast (Jim's ghost and Dink) were signing autographs when a particularly hairy girl who looked somewhat familiar walked in, except it wasn't who we are expecting, it was Chewbacca's wife, looking for Chewbacca. She said, "Raaaaaaaaawwr Uhwaaaaaawh Rawr." Then Dink pointed at Jim's ghost and said, "No, rip his arms off, I don't know the guy you're looking for!" Jim then said, "You slime, some loyal friend you are." Jim then proceeded to get his arms ripped off. This was ok, since he was a ghost. What was not ok was that Mrs. Chewbacca was tearing apart their theatre as well!
Just then, a glowing door appears, and Jim and Dink slip through it, and they enter into the land without bathrooms! They were caught in the middle of the final battle between the natives and the remnant of the Sombrerro brother's invasion force (later to be known as the battle of sh*tpile 3). The stench was overpowering, even to Dink who hadn't bathed in 11 years. They figured it would be best to escape from the battle scene by clicking there heels together 3 times and being whisked away to a filthy porno theatre showing 'Big John Holmes does another low down bus station skank the director's cut', with 11 deleted scenes and an extra 45minutes of running time, including an alternative ending of the skank really being Little John Garfunkle. Dink looked a little nervous during this point. Afterward, on the way out, Jim accidentally made eye contact with Sgt. Judhir'yakkino Xagtriwaaag, his new arch-nemesis (as if he didn't have enough of those).He was accompanied by his left-hand man (well, not quite man, more like half goose, half mantis) Gewsioppy Dligwab, and his right- hand man (half dolphin, half poodle + quarter zebra, don't ask how), Ykyxin Ostuj, Sgt.'s middle hand remaining unmanned for the time being...
Meanwhile, The Sombrero Brothers decided to make a final push, in order to make the natives go away, the sh*t that they were treasuring/amounting there was way too precious to abandon, so they used depleted mayonnaise shells, their secret weapon... Anyway, back to the story...)
The evil Sgt. Said, "blwaiiyos qoihpsgv eihnboppun... Ahem! Sorry. You have brought shame to our military organisation, and for that you will pay dearly! But! No, not butt, I do have 4 of those, but not butt! Before we exterminate you, and do funny tricks with your random body parts, mostly those usually confined, I want you to meet my left-hand man, Gewsioppy Dligwab..." Jim interrupted with, "pleasure to meet you, sir..."
Sgt said, "Ahem! ...And my right hand, Ykyxin Ostuj..." Jim: "pleasure to meet you too... You must be a very busy man, especially on lonely Saturday nights..." After which Sgt. busted out (from his 2nd-from-the-left-ass) the miniature-house launcher, ready to fire. Fortunately enough, Jim Produced a subspace time/space/string oscillating displacement intrication defibrillating module which was the size and shape of an English regulation golf ball, only it was transparent and had a neon tangerine orange glow to it. He gripped the module in his right hand, covered his eyes with his left (he has no middle hand, as such) and squeezed it to activate the module. A bright series of spherical light orbs shot out of the module and engulfed the Sgt., his left and right hand adjutants and shrank them into objects smaller than quarks. Dink, who had been trying to figure how he actually could become Jim's middle hand, was groping at Jim. Jim smacked him away with a classic NFL forearm shiver. Now exultant, Jim looked about for a publican where he could savour a hearty quaff of celebratory beverage a pan galactic gargle blaster.
Having had his brain smashed out by a bit of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick, Jim found himself, not for the first or last time, in a severe drunken mess. Suddenly Juni appeared in the corner of the bar. He stumbled over to her a gave her a huge hug. Suddenly his vision cleared and he realized he was hugging Chewbacca, who had a big club and a bad temper and so for completion he himself assumed a bad temper and pull a club from his pocket. By the recurring bad luck Jim was having it got stuck in there. Chewbacca said, "RwaaaaaaGrrrrrrHoooooooooRahahhahahhaRwaaaa" (is that a club in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me). Since he couldn't understand Wookie, Jim just thwacked Chewie round the head with it. At the same time Chewbacca's wife walked and saw this sexual act (in Wookie terms anyway) She then felt the urge to close something due to spam. She could resist it though. What she said to Jim was, " follow the yellow, green and blue road "
Then he awoke in the checkout queue in Ikea, on a wet Saturday afternoon. The banality inflicted by names like Blurk, Plenk and Shtool had driven his mind to seek refuge in alternate realities, which unfortunately were unable to shield him from the agonies he was enduring. But the reality was worse; as Middle England's Neo was finding out. he had a Mondeo Estate. And his credit card had been turned down. Staring unfocused at the tops of his shoes, Jim spotted a large coin next to his left shoe. He stooped down and picked it up. Holding it in his hand he noticed that it had quite a bit of heft to it. It was grimy. He could not make out the denomination or much of the writing on it but he also noticed that it did not have the finished, minted look of contemporary coins. As he pocketed the coin and started to turn to leave the Ikea, he heard the squeak of leather rubbing against leather in syncopation with high-heeled footsteps approach him from behind. "Excuse me", she said, "My hair is on fire!" "That's nice," said Jim, still concentrating on the mysterious coin. 'Perhaps it's a penny for my thoughts,' he thought, but that got him nowhere so he put the coin in his pocket, and then he got swallowed by a giant hamster. It was dark inside the hamster, but there were obviously several other people in there with him. A voice from the back said, "hey, is someone new here?" Another voice "just a sec, I'll light a match" a light flared up inside the giant hamster's belly, and to his horror, Jim saw his old flame (no pun intended) Beryl.
Her name was Beryl. Jim hadn't seen her since the night of his Junior Prom. They had been getting mildly smashed and Jim had little visions of scoring that night when she'd excused herself to take a powder. She'd never come back. Now he sees her #$years later, in that same prom dress, a little raggedy snuggled in the arms of Freddie Armbrister, his most hated archenemy from his Junior year, wearing the same ugly black, orange and yellow plaid tuxedo from that ill fated night. Jim reached for his .50 cal desert eagle, but it wasn't there. Enraged, he shouted, "Have you two been here for the last #$ years! You sl*t! You b*st*rd! And more obscenities I can't come up with!" To this, (insert dudes name here) responded, "Yes. Yes we have. And what are YOU gonna do about it, huh? Pipsqueak!"
"What am I gonna do...? I'm gonna kick your sorry ass goodnight! Hiyaaaaa!!!"
Jim took a SSJ3-transform stance, screaming his throat off. Of course the transformation could not occur, seeing as Jim was only human... So now Jim and Freddie Armbrister stood there completely and utterly confused, looking at each other. Suddenly Beryl asked "Jim, what the Hell do you think you're doing?!"
"I... I... Why did you leave me like that? Was it something I did?"
"Well you did drool all over the place, stare at my tits all the time, had a huge hardon... Not that it didn't compliment me, but... You know"
"Yes, but choosing that idiot instead of me... It hurts and... AAAAAAAAHH!!!"
A blazing light seared out of Jim's chest for a few seconds, a tear dropped on the ground and so did Jim, falling on his knees, than falling completely, lifelessly down on the ground, raising a cloud of dust...
Beryl ran over to Jim, knelt beside him, screaming "Jim! I'm sorry Jim! Please... Wake up... Wake up Jim!"
"WAKE UP!!!" Jim woke up with blurred vision, Dink was now standing over him, trying to wake him up... *SLAP! * "WAKE UP!!!"
"OK OK OK!! I'm awake..."
"Beryl..." said Jim looking around trying to find out where he is. He saw Saigon. sh*t! He was still in Saigon and Beryl and Freddie were still making out in the hamster! Or wait... had it been real? "Calm down" said Dink, "you've missed your medication" "oh... I suppose that makes sense," said Jim. He remembered he had indeed skipped his last few doses of medication and reached into his pocket to find them. To his bemusement, instead of 6 pill bottles he discovered 6 bottles of Jack Daniels. So him and dink proceeded to drink that lot which unfortunately for them they fell asleep again... only to wake in a floating rock, in the middle of the Xen dimension.
"Hey!" said Jim, "wtf is the Xen dimension?" "Dunno," said Dink, "but floating rocks? This is awesome!" Jim agreed, and off they went to play with things where physical laws do not apply. Jim grabbed a nearby planet the size of Pluto and ate it in one bite. Dink turned into a monkey and blew up... twice. But little did they know, such fun in the Xen dimension comes at a terrible price. They will be trapped here forever, until someone writes in a plot hole for them to escape through. Very slowly, Jim formed a thought. He had to go slowly because Dink's exploding monkey routine kept messing up his concentration. He thought (and moved his lips while he thought): "In the Xen Dimension, the laws of physics don't apply. So what laws do apply? Hmmmm. What's a law? Hmmmm. What's an apply?" Dink, tired of exploding, turned himself into a trans dimensional mass driver and started shooting the floating rocks around him into other universes. Finding that most of the floating rocks lacked enough specific mass for him to feel an 'oomph,' just for the heck of it. He eyed Jim. If Dink didn't know what Jim was actually doing (which he didn't, actually) he would have thought that Jim was straining for a b.m. Not really wanting to be in much proximity to Jim in the aftermath, Dink shot Jim off into "another" dimension, which one, he did not particularly take note. Oh and yes. Dink did get a satisfying 'oomph.'
As long as it wasn't somewhere where apes dominated human beings and kept them as slaves Dink figured Jim would be ok. But it was . *Resounding male voice over booms* "THE PLANET OF THE HAIRLESS APES!" Jim was just about to ask, "What's phys-" when he found himself skidding butt first across a slick marble floor. He looked about and saw a blur of figures scattering away to clear a path for his progress. Just as the heat from his slide was about to turn unbearable, he came to a halt. His pants seat still being too hot to rest upon, he hopped up and stood and looked around. He was surrounded by naked apes. Well, sort of apes. The people all had somewhat simian-like faces, with very elongated upper lips. Male and female alike had the same sideburns, except that the females tended to sweep the sideburns back while the males cut them to stand out sideways like brushes. And, well, they were naked. No hair. If you couldn't tell their gender by looking at their faces, a quick glance downward revealed all. But they wore shoes. Well, booties actually. A rather older (grey sideburns) seeming and larger male stepped forward and said, oh cr*p, there's humans playing around in the Xen dimension again." A few instructions were issued and two of the naked ape folk popped out of existence, returning shortly with a rather confused Dink. "Now, now," said the old ape thing, "you know your not to play in the Xen dimension. Now run on home and mind your masters" "Well we could" said dink, "but we need to get back to something resembling normality." "With these writers? I don't think so," thought one of the monkeys, just before throwing some teleporting sherbet lemons at them both.
But the monkey had made a terrible mistake. They were not teleporting sherbet lemons, they were ultimo-destructo-multiplicity-cosmos-thing- blasphemy sherbet lemons! Jim says the lemons approaching and laughed, for at last, he knew it was finally over. The lemons impacted squarely on Jim's left shoe and the universe promptly ended. But the universe did not end... no!... far from ending it did.
The universe just imploded in a fraction of a microsecond. and after three million years of soul-drudging non-existence, the universe came to be again with the 2nd Big Bang. killing Jim in the blast, and sent the Atom Fragments©® to all corners of this newly created universe, which in the process damaged the atomically cohesion so much that the original atomary cohesion construction never again could be restored. which pleasantly finally sent the 5 times resurrected body and ghost of our poor Jim to rest. And 8 Billion years later on a planet with high technological capabilities somewhere in a galaxy in this new universe. They found the original transcripts out of the atoms in this universe and read about the poor lad Jim, and all of his weird adventures on this thing called an OT forum, and they promptly decided to give him a proper burial and named a newly found system after him.
Then Jim and Dink were recreated by an alien technique of realigning the space-time continuum, but only for a day, then the thread would be lost forever. Jim and Dink were able to spend one last perfect day with each other. Finally, at the end of that last day, they lay down on the bed and declared their love for each other. Dink put his head into Jim's arms, and they lay back, and went to sleep, never to wake again, their final thoughts of the happiness they'd brought to the TLR OT forum so many ages past, long ago.
Thanks to: {NH}blade_chaser, Sir Spectre, Jim Groovester, Warlord Bob, Zone, RILMS, zlo, freighter fighter, Tawakalna, Killzone, |-Entropy-|, Chetnik, Mustang, bob3terd, Huffer, Indy11, Arcon, topher, kumari, Wizard, and Locutus for writing the story that I have proofread and stuck my name on.