Prologue: One Bong To Rule Them All…
The world is changed.
I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air… (Not sure what the smell is but it's getting me high, man!)
Much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it…
It began with the rolling of the great spliffs. 3 were given to the elves: Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings… 7 to the dwarf-lords: great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls… And 9. 9 spliffs were gifted to the race of men, who above all else, desire power (and the high, but hell, they all wanted that in Middle Earth). For within this spliffs was bound the drugs, will and strength to govern each race.
But they were all of them deceived…
For another spliff was made. In the land of Skegness, in the fires of Mount Doom (very imaginative name, I must say. Great job, Mr Tolkien) the dark lord Sauron rolled in secret a Master Spliff: To control all others and get him as high as possible. And into this spliff, he put his canabis, his cocaine and all his heroin and speed…
One bong to rule them all…
One by one, the free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the spliff. But there were some who resisted…
A Last Alliance of anti-drug forces marched against the armies of Skegness, and on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.
Victory was near…
But the power of the spliff could not be undone, and pretty much everybody got stoned silly.
It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword…
Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle Earth was defeated. HURRAY!!!!!!!
The spliff passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever… But the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the Bong of Power has a will of it's own…
It betrayed Isildur to his death, and some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth, and for two and a half thousand years, the spliff passed out of all knowledge.
Until when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer… The spliff came to the creature Roll 'Em, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains (another brilliant name, Tolkien, you've really outdone yourself, mate!) and there it consumed him…
The spliff brought to Roll 'Em unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind (and lungs) and in the gloom of Roll 'Em's cave, it waited…
Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear (Sauron….oops) and the Bong of Power perceived. It's time had now come.
It abandoned Roll 'Em, but something happened then, that the ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable…
A hobbit.
Dildo Slaggins, of the Shire.
For the time will soon come when Hobbits will shape the fortunes of all…