0_o Oh, god! I'm doing another humor fic! Run to the Hills!

Umm, ok...Well, this idea came to me when I was watching "Kill Bill" and "Pulp Fiction", to combine many stories into a giant story...(pauses for hachets) anyway, this will be a mother of all horrible fanfics (at least to me)....So get ready for some Mary-Sue moments, crossovers, and pointless drivel. HELL, if you were to slap this up on some bad fanfic page, I would have acheived my goal! So, to forewarn y'all...Beware....

What Could Happen Will Happen:

Episode one: Conversation

Integra bit the end of her cigar long and hard as Walter finished his story. Oh, god it was so boring., and the rest of the table seemed dazed and unfocused.

"So, by now, I managed to still have the wires in my hands!" Walter exclaimed finishing his story.

"This resturant sucks the long one." Alucard finally said. Walter, Integra, and Seras suddenly turned to him. Seras, of course giggled madly, aproving her master's dry humor.

"Oh, shut up, Police Girl," He shoke his head, inhaled the brandy. "Brown noser." Seras slammed her shot glass and said in a booming voice. "No, because I don't feel like it." So the whole resturant could hear.

"Oh, for the love of god," Integra rubbed her forehead. "Where's the damn waiter with the WINE?!" She slammed her palm on the table. Integra winced at her hard slam, picked up her hand and rubbed it. Alucard sniggered loudly. "Aw, poor master!" he mockingly rubbed his fist to his left eye under his glasses.

Walter shifted uncomfortably in his seat at the situation. Integra was on the verge of throwing a fit at the lack of alchol, Alucard was bored out of his non-impaling mind, and Seras was trying too desperatly to fit in.

"Well, anyone else got a story?" Walter drummed the table, forcing a smile.
"That smile is real as those nuclear bombs in Iraq America still hasn't found," Alucard leaned on his left hand, smiling up at Walter.

"This is painful," He admited finally. "Just tell a story...someone."

The table occupants looked around expect for Alucard.

"I got one," He said happily still leaning his head on his hand. "Wanna hear it?"

"Go ahead, Lord Alucard." Walter persaude him, took a long sip of the white wine and perpared himself for one of Alucard's old barbaric story.

:"Oh, for the love of God..."Muttered Integra again slowly to Seras.

"Shut up, I'm talking now," Alucard grinned.

"It was back in 1456, and we haven't got visitors for a while, right? So, we invite this Polish noble to Wallachia. It was fall...I think, its been a while, so I can't remeber. And my backyard was covered with a forest of impaled people. And my god, this Pole was ugly (get, it pole? impale?)! He had that pale blonde hair. Sorta like Master's!" He pointed to Integra who glared off to the distance, waiting for the wine. Seras looked at Alucard with a mix of humor and annoyance. Alucard pressed on to his story. "His nose was big and bumpy! And his clothes-HA! I wore better clothes than that poor bastard!"

Seras narrowed her eyes. Her perspection of her mast was a horrible desgin of Twisted Sister or even Keith Richards who was comparable to him.

"I invited him to dinner, dine in front of those corpses. Well, sure enough he asked me "My lord, why do you insist of dining in front of this horrible smell?" It was in the evening and I was bright and cheerful untill he said that. "Why does it matter to you?" I asked him. Oh, the lovely terror on his face. He stammered and said "I-I was concerned for your health, my Prince!" Ok, really, I'm not one to put up with whinny people (somewhere in the story, Integra muttered "No fucking shit." sarcastically). so, I had him impaled on the highest pole above everyone else. At least 15-20 feet above everyone else. And only had at least 75 people impaled outside the courtyard under the moonlight."

Walter shuddered. Integra rolled her eyes. Seras pretended as if she heard nothing.

"This is rediclous!" Integra fumed. Finally, after thirty minutes of waiting, a scranny busy-boy appeared with a bottle of red wine. "My apologies, sir!" He said to Integra. She narrowed her eyes in disgust. "I am a woman, to let you know." The busy-boy's eyes widdened and he quickly placed the bottle on the table and walked away quickly.

Alucard burst into laughter and pointed at Integra.

"Ha! It was bound to happen!" Alucard said with his giant ego.

"Oh, as if your ego didn't need anymore inflating enough!" She spat at him.

"Hehe!" He clapped his gloved hands together.

"Well, its hazardous to even add more pride to him," Walter calmly sipped the wine a little more. "Its like a water ballon...its bound to explode sometime..."

"B-but Master is a good man!" Seras innocently said to Walter.

Integra bursted into a quiet chuckle and pointed at the biwildered vampire. "Him? Him?! You gotta be kidding me! And pegiuns fly!"

"Don't we all have flaws?" Seras placed her hands on the table from her lap and looked directly at Integra and Walter. Alucard grinned.

"Yes we do!" He said menacingly. "I am willing to admit I am a catty bastard...a gorges, catty bastard none the less!" He pointed his index finger in the air in pride and smiled again.

"Your sickingly skinny. And you look like a giant mushroom in the distance," Integra pointed out.

"At least I look like my inteded sex, Master," Alucard smiled widder. He watched Integra's brow twitched in a quiet rage.

"Your guns are a subsitute...That's why their so big," Integra grinned.

Walter and Seras looked at each other in horror of Integra's comment. Seras blushed and sank into her chair and crossed her legs.

"Oh, my..." Walter said. "Sir Integra, that's hitting below the belt!"

Alucard cackled widely. "Ask Police Girl if its really a subsitute! She walked in on me the other day!" Alucard pointed his long finger at her.

"Eep!" She squeeked in embarassment and turned to the side.

"For God sake's Alucard!" Integra rose. "Act like a man rather than a hormone driven teenager! Flashing at your fledgling vampire! What's wrong with you?!"

Walter shifted nervously in his seat. The whole resturant looked at her. Integra nodded her head nervously and sat back down.

Alucard cackled again and Integra groaned as she clasped her ears. Seras lowered herself in her seat more.

"Anyone else have a story to tell?" Walter persauded to break the awful silence.

"No." Leered Integra

"Why, not to my recolection," Alucard place his index finger to his chin "Unless you wanna hear what happened to the friar."

"I rather not, I plan to eat, Vlad." Integra turned her stone blue eyes to him in the utmost revulting way.

"Nope, sorry Walter," Seras said sweetly.

"Now can we have the wine?" Alcuard turned to her. Integra turned to the wine in shock realizing she never had it.

She poured each glass and stopped to Seras.

"How old are you? Seventeen?" She asked suspicously.

"I'm nineteen!" Seras said offendend. "Jez, just because I try to maintain a happy, boyant me doesn't mean I'm a Junior in High School!"

"Well, I'm sorry, Victoria," She poured the wine and placed to her side. "I thought you were the way you looked."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" She glarred at her.

Alucard cackled and folded his hands together. Walter roled his eyes and looked away with his wine in his hands.

"Nothing, nothing," Integra shooked her head and sipped the wine.

"Its my figure, isn't it?" Seras demanded.

"No, it isn't. Please, I am very sorry, but just drop it." Integra sighed.

"No! It's my hair isn't it?!" Seras said desperatly.

"No, no...I suppose." Integra said weary "Please don't drag this on."

"How can you NOT notice her age with her giaganic boobs?" Alucard grinned happy about his comment.

"WHAT?!" Seras pulled way from the table.

"Your the one with the giant hat, Lord Alucard," Reminded Walter.

"Yes, but its better than me holding an impaled corpse, right?" Alucard shrugged.

"Shut up Alucard, you dirty pervert!" Integra glared at him. "You do have a giant hat!"

"Like about thirty feet long..."Seras looked down on him with a sort of glee.

"You look more dignifed without it," Walter added.

"Fine, fine," Alucard took off his glasses and enromous hat. "There."

"Oh, Master, you look handsome without that stuff on you," She sat back down smiling warmly.

"Really now?" Care to tell me that back in my quarters in bed?"

"WHAT?!"

"Alucard CONTROL YOURSELF!" Integra back handed his head.

"Hehe!" He giggled.

Walter, Integra, and Seras just stared at him...

"Umm...Maybe next time when I am not so creeped out, Master," Seras blushed insanely.

Walter poked Integra softly.

"Oh, Father Maxwell has requested you return his call after his meeting today."

"Fine." Integra rolled her eyes at the sight of Alucard flirting with Seras. "You both are going to threw London. Tongiht too." She said quietly.

0_o Now that was werid. Ok, thoughts, rants, etc. Me crappie spellar...me know. And so forth.

~_^ Keep in mind I am setting this in the Holiday season!

NEXT TIME: Maxwell meets up with his friendly co-monsitary...and a lil' witch...XD