A Shortcut To Magic Mushrooms
As Sam made his way through the cornfields on the outskirts of the Shire, he realised Frieda was missing and shat himself.
"Mr Frieda? Frieda!"
Frieda turned around the corner and saw Sam sitting on the floor, about to take a suicide pill. "What's wrong, Sam?"
Samsighed in relief. "I thought I'd lost you…"
"What are you talking about?"
Sam blushed. He didn't want to admit he was madly in love with Frieda, wanted to marry him, have ten thousand of his babies and be buried next to him when they died, so he lied.
"Uh… it's just something Ganja said to me."
"What did he say?"
"Uh…. D-'Don't you lose him, Samwise Ganjaleaf.' And I don't mean to…"
Frieda laughed. "Sam, we're still in the Shire. What could possibly happen?"
Suddenly, two hobbits crashed into them and sent them flying to the ground. It was Very Merry and Pipe-in.
"Frieda! Very Merry, it's Frieda Leaf!"
"Eh-oh Frieda!"
Sam pushed them off Frieda. "Get off him! He's mine!" He looked down and saw that both of the hobbits' arms were full of alcohol. "You've been into Farmer Faggot's fridge!"
They heard the farmer thundering through the field, shouting angrilly and all four of them ran for their lives.
"Don't know why he's so upset…" Very Merry panted as they ran. "It's just a couple of beers."
"And some vodka." Pipe-in added. "Ooh, and that whisky we took yesterday. Oh, and the tequila from the week befor-"
"YES PIPE-IN! All I'm saying is, he's clearly over-reacting…"
Frieda stopped running because they'd reached the edge of a steep hill. But then Very Merry crashed into him, and then Pipe-in and then Sam. They all tumbled down the hill and landed one on top of the other, much to Sam's enjoyment.
"I think I've broken a carrot…" Very Merry said, reaching under him.
"Ow, ow, ow! Get off my p-"
Sam interrupted Frieda by shouting, "Trust a Randyfuck and a Spook!"
"You what?" Very Merry asked. "That was just a little detour. A shortcut."
"Shortcut to what?"
"Magic Mushrooms!" Pipe-in cried excitedly, pointing to the cluster of mushrooms at the roadside.
Very Merry, Pipe-in and Sam all pushed and shoved to get their hands on some, while Frieda stood anxiously nearby, remembering Ganja's advice…
"I think we should get off the road…" He said, only to be completely ignored by the others. Suddenly, he heard a piercing shriek and heard horses drawing near.
"Get off the road!" He cried, dragging the others into a bush. They clung together in fear as a big black horse with a creature dressed all in black astride it went by.
Frieda was too frightened to tell Sam to stop caressing him. He suddenly felt as though he needed a relaxation, and reached into his pocket for the spliff.
The rider in black suddenly stopped and jumped off it's horse. It had smelt something (and it wasn't the fart Pipe-in had just let rip)…
Frieda reached into his other pocket for his lighter, his eyes rolling over in his head as he lost control of his own actions…
Sam suddenly shook Frieda and he woke from his trance and as a distraction, Very Merry threw some of his precious mushrooms over the trees and the rider left hurriedly to investigate the noise he'd heard.
The hobbits took their chance and ran off quickly.
"What was that?" Sam asked as they neared the harbour that would take them across to Bree.
Frieda couldn't speak. He could hardly make sense of what had just happened. He looked down at the spliff, still in his hands. What was about the spliff that made it so irresistable?
"What is going on?" Pipe-in asked impatiently.
"That Black Rider was looking for something, or someone…" Very Merry looked straight into Frieda's eyes. "Frieda?"
"We have to get across the river." Frieda whispered. "S-Sam and I must get to Bree…"
"Right," Very Merry nodded. "Fucklecherry Ferry. Follow me."