Hey again. Its been a huge, boring week. I finally got ahold of Pirates of the Carribean. Now I can watch Sparrow come on to the deck while his ship is sinking. ^^ ANYWAY, you bad fanfics author with your mediacore stories have inspired me. I know I can't write to well at fanfiction, but my stuff on Fictionpress.net (under Morbid Angel) begs to difer. Yeah, granted, some of my fanfics makes the characters OOC (like the humor ones 0_o), but I know my boundries. So, I will burn you now.

Episode Four: Hellsing Orginization of Britain: Curse of the Black Fanfiction

"Oh, its December 2nd, isn't it?" The dirty blonde solider standing outside a jeep asked his comrade who was unloading ammunition from the trunk.

"Yeah, so it is," He added uncommintingly. The dirty blonde blinked for a moment. He looked at his comrade with a frown.

"But don't you know?" He leaned down at him.

"What?" he asked slightly annoyed.

"Pirates of the Carribean is out on DVD!" He looked at his comrade with a fierce look in his eyes. Granted, he took off his helmet and lifted his left eyebrow in a confused look on his face. "So, whats it to you?" The dirty blonde opened to his mouth to say something but was sharply cut off by Seras walking past them.

"Oi! Victoria!" He shouted to Seras. Seras turned around. She was tired and heading back to bed from dinner eariler (^^ surely you know) with Alucard, Walter, and Integra.

"Yes?" She asked rather annoyed.

"You seen Pirates of the Carribean, right?" He asked her coming forward. Seras turned her face back in the direction she was going to and narrowed her eyes, muttered some swear words mentally and turned back around. "Yes, June 9th," She looked at him. He smiled lightly.

"Should I buy the DVD for my sister?" He asked Seras rather nervously. "I mean...do you think its a good thing for her? I need a female opinon."

"Oh, any girl would go nuts over that movie," She waved her hand carelessly. "With Mr. Depp and Mr. Bloom." With that Seras left the solider standing there before he could ask another question. She headed down towards the basement. Seras swang her bedroom door open.

"So tired," She muttered. "And I drank blood too. Stupid Integra asking my age."

She sat on her bed looking at the empty pail of ice. Seras felt her soft bed against her bare fingers.

"I'll shut my eyes for one moment...It don't matter," She said lying down. She happily sighed against her pillow. "Goodnight, Police Girl." she muttered sleepily.

***SOMEWHERE, IN SERAS' DREAMS***

Seras happily dozed off into a heavy sleep. But something was rustling in her room. Seras listened to it in a half daze. But it became more clear as she payed more attention to it. Seras blinked and looked towards the distance.

"WHA?" She jumped to her feet. "The sea?!"

She looked off in the distance as the waves brushed against a bright sunny sky against the dock.

"Whats going on?" Seras blinked rapidly. She realized she'd be stripped of her power in the sun and clutched her arms. But her sweater was not there. Seras looked down and looked a white dress.

"What the?! Whats going on?!" Seras blinked.

"Why, you have been placed in a crossover fanfiction, Seras." A random voice said behind Seras. She turned slowly and gasped the sight before her. There was Helena, in a most bizzare outfit. A pirate outfit none the less. Her annoyed eyes looked back at Seras with a half sympathetic, half annoyed look. "You better be careful, these writters can make you horribly out of character." Seras blinked and looked down at the white dress again.

"Like your wearing a corset for instance." Helena pointed out. Seras felt her air being contracted. She winced as she realized the tight friction around her.

"Why?" Seras looked at Helena with a most pathetic look. Helena narrowed her eyes and looked up at the sky.

"Because the author felt you needed a corset, even though you wouldn't be caught dead in it." Helena walked over to Seras on the deck. Seras didn't understand it at all. But she hoped the authors wouldn't do anything more horrible to her. She wiggled her fingers together and looked down at Helena hoplessly.

"Oh, did I mention your in the hit movie crossover, 'Pirates of the Carribean'?" Helena looked even more disgruntled. "Damn fangirls and their doomed crossovers!" She raised her small fists as they twitched violently. Seras never seen a more bizzare site than a small child that looked to go on a murderous rage.

"But...We'll be ok, right?" Seras frowned.

"Don't...say...anything!" Helena said sharply.

"Why?" Seras stopped.

Then, a sudden gather of clouds formed together and a ominous light filled the harbor and the deck.

"Hiya, readers!" Boomed a squeeky voice from the air. "I don't like Helena's personality, so I will change it. It'd make Helena more likable!"

"NO!" Helena twitched. She froze and her face became petrified with anger. Helena spun around to Seras.

"Hi!" Helena boomed in an unnatural voice.

"...What happened?!" Seras said to Helena. The only reply from Helena was her immedate large almost Alucard-like grin.

Seras spun to look at the harbor. The clouds parted away rapidly and the sun came out again. But off in the distance, Seras saw a familar site.

"Wow!" Seras clapped her hands eagerly, ignoring the frozen Helena with her large grin. "Captian Jack Sparrow!"

So, it was. The ship moved closer and closer. Seras smiled eagerly as the ship came closer. But her happiness soon died. The form became more distinct and the pirate's face seemed to be more like Alucard's. Well, it was Alucard in long dredlocks, dark eyeshadow, a large pirate hat, and his hair was covered by a red bandana. His clothes even matched Captian Jack Sparrow but in a dark red or black form.

The ship sank lower and lower, untill...Captian Alucard stepped off the top and jumped on the deck. Seras stood dumbfounded next to a petrified Helena in the same form, gapping at Alucard.

"Master?!" Seras looked at him trying to deside wheter or not to like him even more or run in terror. Captian Alucard spun around, and made a bizzare gesture with his gloved hands.

"Captian Alucard!" Captain Alucard corrected her automatically. He walked to her almost in a funny daze as if he'd been out in the sun too long and his sunburn was affecting him. He stopped and swayed a little. Seras blinked and turned to Helena.

"WTF, OMG, L33T! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HYPER!" Helena waved her small arms frantically.

"Poor Helena!" Seras frowned.

The dark clouds formed again and the squeeky fangirl voice emerged again! "^_^ Alucard is more sexy with my new personality for him!" The small girl voice squeeked from above. "I'm very orginal, aren't I? R/R PUH-LEAZY!"

Seras figited and look back at Captain Alucard.

"Savvy," He muttered happily. "An' how are you love?" Seras blushed and shrugged. "Master!" Seras grabbed his shoulders. He smiled again in his daze. "Savvy." He repeated.

"Master?!" Seras cried frantically. "Please snap out of it!"

"Captian Alucard!" Captain Alucard corrected her again. Seras groaned and walked to Helena. Helena was jumping around again in a happy daze. Seras rubbed her temple as she watched her Master trail off in an odd walk She turned away knowing of the next part with the British guards.

Helena shoke her head, violently and looked back at Seras. "They...made me..stupid!" Helena smashed her left foot against the deck. "I am a vampire! Vampires do not go out in the sun, author!"

The clouds formed again, Seras whimpered in worry as the darkness fell over again.

"Vampires can go out in the sun cuz its not normal to hide in the dark!" The squeey voice pointed out as Helena glared upwards. "Hehe, thats my first flame! I love you for you flame!"

"Thats not a flame, dumbass," Helena looked even more menicingly. "Thats critquing. Critizism is not flames!"

"Why, yes they arez," The voice became more weary. "Cuz I said they weren't!"

"So," Helena walked forward raising her fist Seras watched from the distance in subbisive form. "I suppose movie producers or great play writers should automatically write a statement because critizism IS harmful to MORONS like you?!"

The voice paused.

"K, thats stupid," The squeeky voice reafirmed herself "Cuz my fanfic is great! Sorry if I am not good as you. I'll sit in my corner and shoot myself, boohoo. R/R PLEAAAAAZ!!!11"

"You do that, dumbass," Helena said indifferently.

"Where's the Black Pearl?!" Seras looked behind her again. Integra, had long scraggy hair, many scars on her face and Barbossa's outfit on.

"Excuse me, Sir?" Seras looked at her confusingly.

"We named the monkey Jack!" Integra said lifting a small monkey from her jacket. Seras looked around her as she saw herself in a cave.

"Now what?!" Seras asked Helena. She shrugged. "I guess the author decided to write her story extra short because of the lack of skills and those reviews."

"Reviews?" Asked Seras knelling down to Helena. "What Reviews?"

Helena pointed up as the dark clouds formed once more and this time, many squeeky voices emereged.

"OMG, YOUR FANFICCY ROCKS!" Said a small voice.

"I can't wait to see mooore! Write moooooooooooore pleaz! Thank oyu!" Said another, but deeper voice.

"Anyways, nice chapter! CONTINUE OR I SKIN YOU ALIVE AND THEN CHOKE YOU WITH THOSE ANAL BEADS! I will do that if you push me!!!!!!!!!" The voice echoed from the many exclaimtion points; Seras and Helena covered their ears from the wind blasted. "How many more exclaimation points do you need, moron?!" Helena shouted barely audioble threw the wind and the echo of the exclaimation points.

"THis was very funny! LOL! i liked IT! That one sent me rolling! LOL write more!" The last small voice came through the tabern sent Integra-Barborossa rolling down the treasure like a log.

"Sir Integra!" Seras scrambled to her feet to help Integra.

"Thats Integra-Barborossa to you, missy!" Integra-Barborossa emerged, in a half-dead skeltal form.

"Since when is there moonlight?" Seras turned around.'

"You die now, Swann!" Integra-Barborossa charged forward to Seras. Seras turned around and smiled as she held out her hand and flicked Integra across the cave.

"Because the author doesn't know ANYTHING about scenery!" Helena shouted throwing off random shipmates of the Black Pearl.

Captain Alucard reappeared coming threw the floor. He stumbled, swayed his way through the rain of the shipmates and pulled a sword out from the rubble. Captain Alucard paused and automatically put on a golden crown.

"Savvy," He smiled as he slid down the pile and began to fight with Integra-Barborossa. Seras stood from the sidelines realizing the story was almost ending.

"Oh, god," Helena growled. "How much MORE do you want, you dumb fuck?!" Helena shouted up to the walls of the cave.

"This is so annoying!" Seras clasped her hands to her face. "No more, please!"

Then, Helena suddenly broke into smile.

"Looks like a 'cliffhanger', but since there is no plot, its a no-one-cares-cliffhanger!" Helena smiled happily. Seras sighed with relief. "No, more huh?"

"I guess the lack of writing ablity can be a blessing too. The fanfiction is over. Helena returned to her normal clothes and Seras found herself in her libarary.

"Goodbye, Seras Victoria. Hope to see you again."

PLOP.

Seras sprang to her feet from her bed side and sighed happily. She ran to the table in her room and picked up the DVD and eyed it carefully. She came to the conclusion that there were some horrible writers out there but none seem more horrible than the teenage fanfiction writers. Seras pulled the DVD out and giggled at the thought of Integra-Barborossa and Captian Alucard as she popped in the DVD and watched it.

I hope that teaches you guys a leason about writting. Please, don;t be stupid about fanfics and change character's personality, devolp a more fluent plot (excluding a Mary Sue), and try to sound smarter. But like I said, I'm not good myself, but I have my limits.

_ I'm watching my special two-disc DVD! night.