Rivenhell
Frieda was just about to pop his clogs (putting it quite bluntly) when a beautiful elven princess came to his rescue. Stoner claimed to have found her in the woods.
"I am Arwen." She said in elvish. "I've come to help you. Hear my voice, come back to the light…"
Frieda got out his elvish to english dictionary and quickly translated what she'd said. "Oh, OK." He said, getting a little bit better, but not quite enough.
"Frieda…" Arwen whispered as Stoner sparked up the Kingsfoil and passed it around the group. "He's fading," She said. "He's not going to last. We must get him to my father."
"Oh, fuck Frieda." Said Stoner, who was too busy getting high on the Kingsfoil, but after a dirty look from Sam, who was VERY concerned for Frieda's health, Stoner nodded and carried Frieda to his horse.
"I've been looking for you for two days," Arwen explained. "There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know."
"Stay with the hobbits," Stoner told her. "I'll send horses for you."
"Excuse me, I'm the faster rider here. I'll take him."
"The road is too dangerous."
"If I can get across the river, the power of my people will protect him." She placed her hand on Stoner's. "I do not fear them…" She whispered.
Stoner nodded and helped her onto the horse. "Ride hard," He said. "Don't look back."
Arwen rode off through the trees, much to the despair of the other hobbits.
"What are you doing?!" Sam shouted. "Those wraiths are still out there!"
Arwen took Frieda all the way to Rivenhell, though the Nazgul were in hot pursuit. She managed to fight them off with the garden house outside the house of Elbong and in a couple of days, thanks to the great skill and expertise of Arwen's father, Elbong, Frieda was in tip top condition once more. When he woke up a few days after their arrival at Rivenhell, he didn't have a clue what was going on.
"Where am I?" He murmured.
"You are in the house of Elbong," A voice echoed in his ears. "And it is ten o' clock in the morning, on October 24th if you'd like to know…"
Frieda opened his eyes and got the shock of his life. "Ganja!"
"Yes," Ganja said as he sat next to Frieda's bed. "I'm here. And you're lucky to be here too… A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid. But you have some strength in you, my dear hobbit."
Frieda painfully pulled himself into a sitting position. "What happened, Ganja?" He asked. "Why didn't you meet us?"
"Oh, I am sorry, Frieda, but I-" He paused before adding, "I was delayed."
But he was lying. That's right, Ganja was LYING. Don't believe him, kids, don't believe anything that comes out of that guys mouth, it's all crap, it's all lies, it's..erm, well anyway, back to the story. After the grandaddy bitch fight with Sarucan, Ganja was taken to the pinnacle of Orthanc and was kept up there for ages. But one day, a butterfly landed in his hand and he told the butterfly to send an aeroplane, and make sure there was a first class window seat with the vegetarian meal available for him. A few weeks later, Sarucan came up to the top of the tower to see Ganja.
"A friendship with Sarucan is not lightly thrown aside…" Sarucan had muttered dangerously as he battered the snot out of Ganja. "One ill turn deserves another. You refused to give me back my prune juice or aid me in my quest for the Bong. It is over. Embrace the power of the Bong…"
Suddenly, Ganja noticed the little butterfly flitter past, and then an aeroplane behind Sarucan, gliding slowly towards them.
"… Or embrace your own destruction!"
Ganja struggled to his feet. "There is only one Lord of the Bong, Sarucan. Only one who can bend it to his will. And he does not share power!"
And before Sarucan could say or do anything else, Ganja dived off the tower and landed on the roof of the aeroplane.
Sarucan watched in horror as an air hostess pulled Ganja inside and the plane disappeared into the night.
"So you have chosen death…" Sarucan hissed.
"Ganja?" Frieda asked. "What is it?"
Ganja woke from his recollection and said, "Nothing, Frieda."
"Frieda!"
Frieda turned around and was suddenly hugged to near death by Sam.
"Oh bless you, you're awake!" He cried.
"Sam has hardly left your side," Ganja explained with a smile.
"We were that worried about you, weren't we, Mister Ganja?"
"By the skills of Lord Elbong, you're beginning to mend," said Ganja, indicating the tall, elderly elf at his side.
"Welcome to Rivenhell, Frieda Leaf." Elbong smiled.
Once Frieda was well enough to leave his room, he began to explore Rivenhell with Sam, Very Merry and Pipe-in, who were all ecstatic to see Frieda on his feet again.
But not as ecstatic as Frieda, who , while they were checking out the local elf ladies, heard a very familiar voice singing a very familiar song…
'If you wanna be my lover,
You have got to give,
Taking is too easy,
But that's the way it is…'
"Dildo!" Frieda cried, running up to the bench where Dildo sat and hugging him.
"Hello, Frieda, my lad!"
"Dildo!"
After a long catch-up, Dildo showed Frieda his book, which he had finally finished.
"'There and Back Again…'" Frieda said, reading the front cover. "'A Hobbit's Tale by Dildo Slaggins!' This is wonderful!"
"I meant to go back," Dildo explained. "Wonder at the powers of Berkwood, visit Fake-town, see the Lonely Mountain again… But age, it seems, has finally caught up with me."
Frieda's smile faded as he saw a map of the Shire inside Dildo's book. "I miss the Shire," He sighed.
A few days later, three people arrived at Rivenhell.
One was Gimpli, son of Groin, a dwarf that looks remarkably like me (ie: short, fat and ginger).
The second was a man, a legendary shoplifter called Borrow-mir, who thought he was all that just because his dad was steward of a nobody-land called Gondor.
And the last (but DEFINITELY not the least) was a fucking tasty looking elf called Legohash, who was really really cute and had pretty eyes. Did I mention he was fucking tasty looking?
These three people (well, one dwarf, one man and one SEX GOD!!!!!!!) came to Rivenhell to attend the council of Elbong.