The Council of Elbong
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old," said Elbong as the council began. "You've been summoned here to answer the threat of Skegness. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the spliff, Frieda."
Frieda stood up and nervously placed the spliff onto the small stone table in the centre of the circle of seats.
Borrow-mir's eyes lit up as soon as he saw it.
"So it is true," He whispered.
Everybody stared longingly at the spliff, except Gimpli who frowned (Yeah! GO GIMPLI! YOU ROCK!).
"It is a gift," said Borrow-mir. "A gift to the foes of Skegness. Why not use the spliff? Why not smoke it until it runs out. It HAS to run out sometime!"
" You cannot wield it," Stoner interrupted coldly. "None of us can. The One Bong answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."
"Oh, and what would a ranger know of this matter?" Borrow-mir snapped.
Legohash suddenly jumped to his feet angrilly (aww…he's so cute when he's angry!). "This is no mere ranger!" He exclaimed. "He is Aroporn, son of Arothorn. You owe him your allegience…"
Borrow-mir looked shocked. "Aroporn…" He muttered. "This is Isildur's heir?"
"And heir to the thrown of Gondor!" Legohash continued.
Stoner (or Aroporn, as the truth has no come out) sighed. "Sit down, Legohash."
Borrow-mir glared at Legohash as he sat back down. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."
Desperate to break the ice, Ganja said, "Aroporn is right. We cannot use it."
"Then you have only one choice," said Elbong. "The Bong must be destroyed."
"Then what are we waiting for?" Gimpli muttered. He pulled out his axe but as he hit the Bong, there was a flash of red light and Gimpli fell to the floor, his axe shattering into pieces. But the Bong, amazingly enough, was intact.
"The Bong cannot be destroyed, Gimpli son of Groin, by any craft that we here possess." Elbong explained. "The Bong was made in the fires of Mount Doom, only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Skegness and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you… must do this."
A VERY awkward silence.
Borrow-mir sighed. "One does not simply walk into Skegness. It's Black Gates are guarded by more than just… erm…guards. There is evil there that does not sleep. The Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with tacky souvenir stores, overpriced hot dog stands and…" he shuddered. "Tourists…. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It's bullshit."
Legohash suddenly jumped to his feet again n a very sexy way. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elbong has said? The Bong must be destroyed!"
"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!" Gimpli yelled angrilly.
"And if we fail what then?" Borrow-mir asked. "What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?"
"I will be dead before I see the Bong in the hands of an elf!" Gimpli roared.
A big giant argument was in process, until Frieda started to hear the Bong muttering things in the language of Skegness (so nobody would be able to understand it. Not even me. And I've lived in Skegness for about 8 years…ish. On the actual film, if you listen carefully to the Ring, it sounds like it's saying "Crash Bandicoot" over and over again). Frieda bravely decided that he would take the Bong to Skegness.
"Though I do not know the way," he said timidly.
Ganja smiled. "I will help you bear this burden, Frieda Leaf. As long as it is yours to bear."
Araporn stood up, also smiling. "If by life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."
"And you have my bow-locks." Legohash said.
The others gave him weird looks.
"Er… I mean, my bow, my bow."
"And my axe." Said Gimpli.
"But Gimpli, you just broke your axe trying to destroy the Bong…"
"Shit."
"You carry the fate of us all, little one," said Borrow-mir. "If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."
Footsteps sounded and Sam ran out from behind a large bush.
"Mr Frieda isn't going anywhere without me!" He cried, stopping next to him.
"Indeed it is hardly possible to separate you," Elbong grinned. "Even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."
"We're coming too!" A voice shouted nearby. Very Merry and Pipe-in ran out from behind two pillars and joined Frieda and the others.
"Yeah, you'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us."
"Anyway," Pipe-in smiled. He was obviously stoned. "You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission… quest… thing."
"Well that rules you out, Pipe." Very Merry muttered.
"Nine companions," Elbong commented as he looked at the group of volunteers. "So be it. You should be the Helloship of the Bong."
"Great!" Pipe-in grinned. "Where are we going?"