A Journey In The Dark

So, because Frieda (like the big fat asshole wanker knobhead pissface scrotum sucking dick licking garden gnome fuckwit emotional disgrace dumbass moronic mindless shit for brains FOOL that he is) decided they should go through the mines of Gore-ia, they did. And when they got there, Ganja didn't know how to get through the door (even though it was quite simple: all he had to do was knock on the door, do the Maccarina, circle the lake sixteen times while reciting Edgar Allen Poe poetry, do an impression of a deranged octopus, solve the meaning of life, bang his elbow against his chin and then sing Madame Butterfly). But when Ganja had done all this, a real deranged octopus thing tried to kill Frieda, but enough about that, let's move on.

So they went into the mines, and straight away Gimpli wouldn't shut up about how great they were.

"Soon, Master Elf," he said to Legohash who wasn't interested in the slightest. "You shall enjoy the fable hospitality of the dwarves: Malt beer, ripe meat off the bone…"
"Ewww… shut up! I'm hungover as it is! I don't want to hear about your crummy mines right now!"
"This isn't a mine," Borrow-mir muttered. "It's a tomb…"

It was at this point that everybody noticed the mine was full of dead bodies.
"FUCKING HELL!" Gimpli shouted.
"Ugghh…" Legohash winced, turning away in disgust. "That's just gross!"
"Legohash, you're supposed to bend down, pick up one of the arrows in the dead guys and say 'Tourists!'" Ganja told him.
"Why?"
"Because that's what Legolas does in the actual film."
"No, he doesn't, he says 'Goblins!' and I'm not Legolas, I'm Legohash, the drugged up elven prince from Berkwood."
"DO IT NOW!"
"Aw, man…" Legohash rolled his eyes, bent down next to one of the skeletons, pulled out an arrow and said (rather reluctantly) "Tourists!"

"We now have but one choice," said Ganja. "We must face the long, dark of Gore-ia. Be on your guard, there are older and fouler things than Tourists in the deep places of the world…"
"What?"
"Are you sure?"
"That can't be true! I remember this one time, there was this big bitch in front of me taking photos of the Argonath and I was trying to get past but she was walking so slow!"
"Yeah!"
"I know what you mean, Aroporn, we had the same sort of thing in Hobbiton last year. Didn't we, Pipe-in? All these big bastards just came into our village, just littering everywhere, stopping in the middle of the street to take pictures of really boring everyday things!"
"Like market stalls…"
"And sheep…"
"Oh, and snowmen! Remember Sam? When you made that snowman that all the tourists went wild over? You know, the one with the carrot for a pe-"
"BE QUIET, ALL OF YOU!" Ganja snapped, causing all of them to fall silent. "It is a four day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed…"
"Four days?!" Gimpli cried. "But that's days and days!"
"Yeah, four to be precise, you fucking cunt…" Legohash muttered.

They soon passed through a long, pitch black tunnel, and Frieda wondered who it was that kept pinching his ass. As they left the tunnel, Frieda turned around and saw Sam behind him, who was grinning from ear to ear.

Ganja looked up at the unfamiliar archways in front of him. "Shit," he mumbled to himself. "I ain't got a fucking clue where we are…"
"Ganja?" Asked Aroporn. "Which way do we go?"
"Er…"
"We're lost, aren't we?" Borrow-mir sighed.
"No!" Ganja replied nervously. "We're not lost! I just, I uh… I don't know where we are, that's all."

Almost an hour later, the Helloship sat in the cave, waiting for Ganja to remember where they were. Aroporn and Borrow-mir shared a joint, Legohash sat on a rock and drank the last bottle of vodka without sharing and Gimpli and the hobbits played strip poker. Sam was a little disappointed (actually, what am I saying a little? He was completely distraught) that Frieda didn't want to play, that he'd rather wander around aimplessly than get naked for him.
But Frieda was still unaware of Sam's unrequited love for him, despite all the flirting, the fondling, the pervy looks he gave him, the love letters, the sudden outbursts of "I LOVE YOU, MR FRIEDA!" that were always drowned out by the wind, the fact that Sam called out for Frieda in his sleep…

Besides, Frieda was a little distracted at the moment. He'd just spotted something crawling deep in the pits of the cave.
"Ganja!" He hissed. "There's something down there! It looks a bit like JK Rowling but prettier…"
"It's Roll 'Em."
"Roll 'Em? Y-You mean he escaped the dungeons of the Minimum Security Prison with the door unlocked, as many phone calls as you want, and only one guard?"
"Yes. He's been following us for three years now."
"But Ganja, we've only been on this quest for about two weeks."
"Be quiet, let me play. Roll 'Em loves and hates the Bong, much as he hates and loves himself. It's quite sad really, go down there and tell him to go to rehab."
But Frieda was too angry now. "It's a pity Dildo didn't kill him when he had the chance."
"Oh shut the fuck up, Frieda. Stop being such a bitch."
Frieda sniffed, suddenly realising for the first time what a selfish prick he was. "I wish the Bong had never come to me…" He said sadly. "I wish none of this had happened."
"Yeah well, life's a bitch and then you marry one. Ahah! It's that way!" He stood up and pointed to the third archway.
"He's remembered!" Pippin grinned.
"No, I just noticed those neon Exit signs above the door actually. Oh well, let's go."
They went through the doorway and saw a big giant cavern full of detailed pillars and high arching ceilings.

"Bloody hell!" Said Sam. "No wonder the tourists were here!"
As they stood around admiring the scenery, Gimpli noticed a doorway at the side of the cavern and ran inside. In there was a coffin, with 'Here Lies Balin. Rest In Pieces Little Short Arse Man' over it.
"Oh, Gimpli, don't cry…" said Borrow-mir.
"I'm not." Said Gimpli. "Never really liked him anyway."
"What? But Gimpli… he's your family!"
"What's your point, man?"
Suddenly, Pipe-in, who had been leaning against a well in the corner of the room, fell down it, making a hell of a lot of noise as he did so.
Ganja ran to the well and peered down it. "FOOL OF A SPOOK! THROW YOURSELF IN NEXT TIME AND RID OF US OF YOUR STUPIDITY!"
"But I did!" Pipe-in yelled from the bottom of the well.
"Oh shit yeah…"
"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The music echoed throughout the mines.
"Oh shit, tourists are coming!" Frieda yelled, trying to silence his sword.
"Oh god, what do we do? What do we do?" Legohash said, bouncing up and down panicking like all hell.
"Will somebody get me out of here?" Pipe-in called.