The Bridge of Khazad-Dum

Ganja started bossing everybody around as the Everybody Dance Now music became louder and louder. He told Legohash, Borrow-mir and Aroporn to barricade the door, and for all the hobbits (except for Pipe-in, who was still stuck down the well) to get behind him.
Sam suddenly grabbed Frieda's hand. "Don't be scared, Mr Frieda. I'm here."
"I'm not scared, Sam."
"Oh, that's alright then." But he didn't let go of Frieda's hand all the same.
Gimpli didn't seem to notice the that the tourists were on the way. He was dancing and jumping up and down on Balin's coffin, singing, "Ha ha ha ha-ha! This is what you get for always showing off at the New Years parties! 'Oooh, look at me, I'm the fricking Lord of Gore-ia! Hey, Uncle Groin, wouldn't you rather have me as your son than Gimpli?' You show off bastard! Well, you ain't the boss of me now! YOU AIN'T THE BOSS OF ME NOW!!!!!"
The others stared at him.
"Um… I mean, let them come. There is still one dwarf in Gore-ia who still draws breath!"
"That's better." Said Borrow-mir. "Oh, they have a cave troll by the way."
"WHAT?!"
The door crashed open and in marched thousands and thousands of tourists, all donning ridiculous anoraks and jogging bottoms, all armed with cameras and sticks of rock. And then, in came the cave troll who was short, cute and had loadsa spiky pink hair like those little toy trolls you used to get with the big glassy eyes.
The Helloship took one look at it and burst out laughing, but the cutesy little troll got pretty miffed and turned into a big, slimy ugly cave troll, which made the laughter turn into screams of horror.
"Don't worry, guys!" Ganja shouted as the others fought away the tourists. He stepped bravely in front of the troll and added, "I read how to defeat trolls in a book!" He raised his staff and bellowed, "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!"
But that wasn't going to work. Because it's from Harry Potter and everything in Harry Potter is pure bullshit (By JK Rowling my ass. I bet she has twenty orphans writing those books for her…)

Pipe-in, who was trying to climb out of the well, asked "What's going on? Why is everyone screaming and grunting? Has Gimpli taken off his clothes or something?"
Frieda and Sam ran away from the troll but, being the complete prats that they are, soon found themselves cornered.
"Oh, Mr Frieda!" Sam cried, giving Frieda a huge kiss on the lips. "Before we die, I just- I just want you to know that I LOVE YOU!"
Frieda turned to Sam, shocked. "WHAT?!"
But while Frieda was distracted, the troll stabbed him with a big demonic axe thing that just happened to be lying around…
"FRIEDA!!!!!!!" Sam shouted.
Aroporn tried to get to Frieda, but there were so many tourists in front of him, and they were all moving so goddamn SLOW!
"GET OUTTA MY WAY, YOU FOREIGN CUNTS!!!!!" Aroporn shouted.

Legolas decided to take matters into his own hands. "Hey look!" He shouted. "An uninteresting looking well!"
All the tourists stopped and ran towards the well in delight, all checking if they had enough film. Pipe-in, who had just managed to climb to the top, was horrified to see tons of tourists taking pictures of him and fell to the bottom again.
With the tourists temporarily out of the way, the others tried to kill the troll, but it still refused to bleed no matter how much they hurt it. All seemed lost, until Sam, as a last resort, and sweet revenge for killing Frieda, hit the troll over the head with a frying pan and it died in an instant, squashing all the tourists as it crashed to the floor.

Everybody ran to Frieda, who was lying face down on the floor. Aroporn rolled him over and it turned out he was alive after all! He was only winded by the big demonic axe thing that just happened to be lying around.
There must have been some happy hobbits in Middle Earth at that moment, but none could have been as happy as Sam, who took Frieda into his arms and hugged the near life out of him. "He's alive!"
"You should be dead, that big demonic axe thing that just happened to be lying around could have skewered a wild boar."
"Yeah but I'm the main character," Frieda explained. "I'm not allowed to die in a story like this. Especially one written by Rachel..."

I could kill you if I wanted too, Frieda!

"Yeah right, I'd like to see you try!"

Suddenly, Frieda fell to the floor again and began to writhe about in pain, clutching at his chest because I gave him a heart attack.

"Okay… Okay! I-I-I'm sorry! P-Please STOP!"

Frieda suddenly became better.

And let that be a lesson to the rest of you characters! NOBODY fucks with Rachel Louise Gosling!

"Yes, ma'am." All the characters muttered, hanging their heads in shame.

Good. Now carry on with the story or it's back to the notebook for the lot of you!

The characters winced at the thought of this punishment and continued.

"It was Dildo's mithril that saved me," said Frieda, unbuttoning his shirt and exposing the mithril underneath. "Looks like it wasn't just for clubbing after all…"
Sam reached out his hand and began to caress Frieda's chest, pretending he was merely seeing what the mithril felt like.

There was a noise behind them and the Helloship spun around in fear, only to find Pipe-in clambering out of the well. He looked around at the mangled bodies of the tourists at his feet, the dead troll sprawled out across the floor, the Helloship covered in blood, Sam running his hand up and down Frieda's chest and knew that he had definitely missed something.

Suddenly, Frieda's sword began to sing 'Everybody Dance Now' again. More tourists were on the way.
"To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!" Ganja cried.

They all ran out of the cavern and towards the bridge… that actually wasn't a bridge at all. It was just a piece of rope tied across a large gaping hole.

"A tightrope?!" Legohash exclaimed as they approached it. "A flipping tightrope! How the hell are we supposed to get across THAT? Rach, what have you been drinking?"

Nothing. You just don't see many tightropes in stories these days…

"Hey…" Said Frieda. "How come you didn't give him a heart attack?"

Because he's hot.

Suddenly, there was a deafening roar and the Helloship could hear thunderous footsteps getting louder and louder…
"What the fuck's that?" Asked Borrow-mir.
"A Bogroll…" Ganja said slowly. "Quickly! Over the bridge!"
Sam nodded, whipped out his fold up unicycle and made his way across the tightrope, juggling three apples as he went.
The Helloship clapped and cheered, then remembered that they were in an urgent situation.
"Legohash, quickly, go over the bridge!"
"I can't because Rachel decided to be a complete dickhead and put it as a tightrope instead of a classic stone bridge!"

Oh for fucks sake…

The tightrope magically transformed into a classic stone bridge and the others hurriedly crossed it and joined Sam on the other side, except for Ganja who stopped at the center of the bridge and turned slowly around to face the Bogroll, a big evil creature of flame.

"You cannot pass." He said determinedly.
"GANJA!" Frieda yelled.
"The old man's flipped his lid!" Very Merry shouted.
"You cannot pass!" Ganja repeated.
The Bogroll still tried to get across the bridge.
"Oh fucking hell, how many times do have to fucking say it? YOU… CANNOT… PASS!!!!!"

And he was right. Because the Bollrog didn't pass, the bridge collapsed under it's feet and the Bogroll fell into the shadow instead.
Unfortuanatly, just as Ganja was about to turn around and run over the bridge himself, the Bogroll threw it's Cat 'O Nine Tails whip into the air and it tangled itself around Ganja's leg and pulled him to the edge of the bridge, where he clung on for dear life.
"GANJA, NO!!!!!" Frieda cried. He ran forward to try and save him but Borrow-mir pulled him back, knowing it was too late, even though one of them could easily have saved him, they were all just lazy cunts really.

"Tell everybody that- that my last words were… I, Ganja the Gay, have lived my life as fully and truly as I possibly could, that I love all my friends and have always looked after them to the best I could, that I will see them all again in- Oh, fuck it, let's keep it short and simple, yeah? Fly you fools." And then he was gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frieda screamed, before he was dragged away by Borrow-mir.

Like most sad moments, everything suddenly went into slow motion, and really sad music mysteriously could be heard in the background.

"AAARRROOOPPPOOORRRNNN!!!!!" Borrow-mir shouted. "MMMOOOVVVEEE YYYOOOUUURRR AAASSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!"

As soon as the Helloship left the mines of Gore-ia, the poor lickle hobbits began to cry their eyes out. Even Gimpli had to be comforted by a very eager Borrow-mir, and as for Legohash, well I certainly would have gave him my shoulder to cry on…

"Legohash." Aroporn said quietly. "You're the man."
"What?"
"Oh, er… I mean, uh… get them up."

(NOTE: It really does sound like he says "You're the man" in the film!)

"Legohash started towards Very Merry and Pipe-in, until Borrow-mir shouted at him. (Bastarrd.)
"Give them a moment for fuck's sake!"
"This is a damn good spot for sight-seeing, Borrow-mir." Aroporn explained. "By nightfall these hills will be swarming with tourists. We gotta make for the woods of Lothl'oreal. Come on, Borrow-mir, Legohash, Gimpli, you're the man! Shit, I mean get them up!" He lifted Sam onto his feet.
"Where's Mr Frieda?" Asked Sam. "I bet he'll need some comforting…"
"Yeah, you're right. Frieda?" He turned around and saw Frieda standing alone in the distance. "FRIEDA!" He called.

Frieda slowly turned around, one silent tear making it's sad little way down his cheek…

THREE HOURS LATER

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Frieda sobbed, sitting down on the floor crying his eyeballs out.
"Can somebody please shut him up?" Legohash asked.
"Ignore him, Frieda." Said Pipe-in. "He's immortal, he doesn't know what it's like to feel pain." They pulled Frieda back onto his feet and carried on walking.
"Oh, Mr Frieda?" Sam asked shyly. "W-What I said before, about loving you and all that, I-uh, I was only joking."
"Erm… okay." Frieda gave Sam a strange look and continued walking.