Lothl'oreal (because it's worth it!)

A few days later, they made their way through the forests of Lothl'oreal, where Gimpli gave the hobbits a grave warning.

"Shtay closhe, young hobbitsh!" He said, showering them all in spit. "They shay that a great shorsheroush livesh in theesh woodsh. An elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her shpell…"

'Frieda…' A woman's voice whispered in Frieda's mind.

"And are never sheen again…" Gimpli continued.

'Get out of my fucking forest, you pixie! You bring great evil here, BongBearer…'

"Mr Frieda?" Sam asked nervously, wondering why he had stopped. Nobody else had heard the voice.

"Well," Said Gimpli proudly. "Here'sh one dwarf she won't enshnare sho eashily. I have the eyesh of hawk and the earsh of a foksh…"

Suddenly the Helloship found a row of elves standing in front of them, each one pointing an arrow at their faces.

"Bollucksh." Gimpli muttered.

After going through customs and being strip-searched by the elves (much to Sam's great excitement), the Helloship were taken to the main chamber of Lothl'oreal, where /Lord Celibate and Lady Galadri-hell came down the stairs to greet them. But just as they reached the last step, Galadri-hell tripped over and landed in a heap on the ground.

The Helloship stared at her in disbelief, then looked up at Celibate for an explanation.
"You-uh… You'll have to excuse my wife. She's had a lot to drink tonight…"
"NO I HAVEN'T, I ONLY HAD ONE! YOU LIE!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME, CELIBATE? HOW COULD YOU?!"
Celibate slowly shook his head and said, "8 there are here, and yet 9 there were set out from Rivenhell. Tell me, where is Ganja? For I much desired to sleep with him-uh., I mean speak with him."
"You stupid… CUNT!" Galdri-hell screamed. "HE HAS FALLEN INTO SHADOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!"
She struggled to her feet, leaning on Legohash for support. "Do you want to stay hear for tonight?" She asked. "We can have a sleepover, a girls night in, it'll be a right laugh!"
"But darling, the Helloship are all men…"
"Excuse me, I didn't ask for your opinion, Celibate! BAD BOY, go to my room!" She pissed herself laughing for about ten minutes and then suddenly stopped and looked at Frieda seriously for a moment.
"Welcome, Frieda of the Shire…" She whispered, too drunk to realise she wasn't using her telepathic powers, she was just talking normally. "One who has seen the EYE!!!!!"
"What eye?" Celibate asked.
"Don't interrupt on our telepathic conversation!"
"But you weren't having a telepathic conversation!"
"Excuse me, Celly, but if I wasn't having a telepathic conversation, I would have known it. I mean, I'm not an idiot." She suddenly grinned, thinking up a 'hilarious' new joke. "You know what you are, Celibate? You're telepathetic!" She started laughing again and kept nudging Legohash until he started laughing too, looking very frightened.

A while later, while Sam snuggled down with Frieda in the blankets, strange elvish songs could be heard playing in the distance.

"Legohash, what's that?" Sam asked Legohash, who was wearing a demented blue dressing gown (must be a elf thing) and was raiding the fridge for a midnight snack.
"It's a lament for Ganja."
"What do they say about him?"
"I don't know."
"Oh, don't give us that crap, Legohash, you just don't want to admit that you don't have the heart to tell us- for you the grief is still too near."
"No, I honestly don't know."
"What?"
"How can you not know? You're an elf!"
Legohash shook his head slowly. "I'm only half-elf…" He muttered.
"WHAT?!" Sam and Frieda both gasped.
Legohash sighed. "My mother… was a goat."

Dum dum dumn.