The Breaking of the Helloship
Frieda wandered aimlessly around in the forest, wishing he was back at home with his gay porn magazine (which he had foolishly left behind…). Maybe he should run away now, maybe he should just leave the Bong under a pile of leaves and make a run for it, back to the Shire, back to his gay porn… Actually no, best not, because that nasty little thief, Borrow-mir, would find it and not tell the others. God, he hated Borrow-mir, he was just so…
Stomp stomp…
Well, he was just so right behind him actually.
"None of us should wander alone," Borrow-mir said to him as he pretended to be collecting firewood, but was secretly staring longingly at Frieda's butt as he did so. "You least of all. So much depends on you…"
Frieda gav him a dirty look and walked off.
"Frieda? Look, I know why you seek solitude. You want to masturbate. I see it day by day." He leaned forward and whispered sexily in Frieda's ear, "Do you need some help?"
Frieda moved quickly away from Borrow-mir. "I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my heart…"
"Warning? Against what? We're all sexually frustrated, Frieda. But to come out here on your own to 'whistle while your work' without inviting anyone else to join you… Don't you see, Frieda? It's madness…"
Frieda didn't reply.
"Come on, Frieda, you know you want it as much as I do…"
"Get away from me!"
"Why do you recoil? I am no thief."
"Erm… yes you are."
A long silence.
"If you would but lend me your ring then."
"No."
"Give it to me!"
"Piss off!"
Borrow-mir pulled Frieda to the ground and tried to straddle him, but Frieda sparked up the One Bong and stubbed it out on Borrow-mir's flesh.
"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN, THE PAIN!"
Frieda then punched Borrow-mir in the face and ran off..
As anybody would be after being turned down on sex, burnt with a spliff and then punched in the face, Borrow-mir was pretty pissed off. "I see your mind…" He said angrily to nobody in particular. "You will take the spliff to Sauron! You will betray us! BASTARD! I hope you fucking die, you overgrown fairy! I HATE you!" Suddenly, Borrow-mir snapped out of his evil phase and started to cry. "I love you… Oh my god, I love you… Frieda, I'm sorry!"
But Frieda was already gone. He ran to the nearest bus stop and fiddled around in his pockets for the correct amount of change. He was going back to The Shire, back to his gay porn magazines.
"Frieda!"
Frieda jumped and turned around. Aroporn was running towards him.
"Frieda, what's wrong?"
"Borrow-mir tried to rape me! He-"
"I'm not interested in your life story, Frieda, where's the goddamn Bong?"
Frieda shat himself, scared the Bong was affecting Aroporn too. "Stay back!"
"No, Frieda! I swore to protect you!"
"Can you protect me from yourself?"
"What?"
Frieda pulled the spliff out of his pocket and both he and Aroporn stared at it. "Would you destroy it?"
"No."
"Oh, okay…"
There was a short pause while both of them tried to think what came next in the film.
"Erm… ooh, I know!" Aroporn went up to Frieda and closed Frieda's fingers around the spliff.
"Ow! Ow! Hot hot hot!"
"Sorry!"
Frieda shoved the spliff back into his pocket and sucked on his fingers. "Carry on."
"I would have gone with you to the end," Aroporn said sadly. "To the very theme parks of Skegness…"
"I know," Frieda sighed. "Look after the others. Especially Sam, he'll be completely distraught that I went without him…"
Aroporn gave Frieda a big hug and was just about to nibble on his ear when an ill-piercing shriek of "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!" echoed throughout the forests.
"Shit…" Aropron muttered. "Run, Frieda, RUN!!!!!"
Frieda legged it, just as the tourists came and attacked Aroporn, who killed them all by feeding them unhygienic fast food.