In the End

by Siyris

This is a songfic to "In the End" Heero was going to confess his love, but Duo died... what now?

It starts with…

One thing, I don't know why,

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Just keep that in mind

I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

            Heero was attending the funeral.  He couldn't believe that it had actually happened.  The idiotic American pilot had survived throughout the entire war, never even coming close to death, yet here he was at the guy's funeral.  He had always thought that Duo would always be around, with how the other teen had just flat out refused to die during the war.  It was impossible for his mind to comprehend the fact that the braided pilot had been killed in a mission for the preventers.  All the ex-gundam pilots had relaxed as the war ended, thinking that nothing could be as bad as the war was; apparently they were wrong.  Heero was speaking at the funeral.  The priest that was running it called his name and he walked up to the head of the still open coffin.  As he passed he leaned down and kissed the dead youths cold lips, a single tear leaving the eye of the once perfect soldier.  He stood again and moved forward more, turning slowly with a face that was completely blank.  He spoke quietly though his voice carried over the silent crowd, "This is for Duo, I was going to give it to him the day he died."  He took in a deep breath, for the first time in his life his voice shook with suppressed emotions.  He slowly read out a poem at the end of which there were words that had been written for only one person to hear, but now were heard by many -- except the one for whom they were meant.  The end of the poem was confessing the love that Heero had for the braided pilot.  He slowly walked back over the coffin, laying a rose inside, wrapping the cold fingers around it.  He closed his eyes and walked back to his spot, standing with his head down.

All I know,

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal

Heero waited till the end of the funeral, walking to his car.  Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Zechs came over to him, asking if he would be okay; making sure that he could drive home safely; offering to give him a ride if he needed one.  He thanked them but refused all their offers.  He said he had to be alone right then.  They accepted that, though none of them agreed with it.  They left him, each in their own way saying that if he needed anything that he should call or visit or somehow let them know, that they would help in any way they could.  He got in his car and slowly drove home, though he took a long round about way.  His mind was blank, all he could think about was how short the time had been.  During the war, it seemed like an eternity, but now, looking back, it seemed so short of a time.  He had heard a phrase once, 'a moment ago is the furthest away anything can be.' He thought that fit, it was just mere days ago that he had told the braided boy to hurry back from his mission because he had something to show Duo.  He would do anything to reverse time, to make it go backwards, just enough so that he could have even one more minute with the other boy.

Didn't look out below,

Watch the time go

Right out the window

Trying to hold on

You didn't even know

Wasting it all

Just to watch you go

            Duo didn't look where he was going; he had even been on his way back from the mission.  It was only minutes before he would have heard Heero's words, but no.  As he was landing his gundam in the forest hanger, some rebels had attacked him.  He was alone and out of ammo.  He couldn't defend himself, and once he surrendered, they let him land, thinking that he would be captured and ransomed; Duo had come out hands in the air, only to be shot.  There were guerillas in the trees around and he hadn't seen them.  He was caught by surprise… and so he died.  Even after he had been shot and left for dead, he had radioed in.  Everyone heard him.  He was saying that he needed help, that he needed someone to come.  That he wasn't going to die there in the bushes, that he had to live.  He was holding on, everyone could hear it; everyone could hear it in his voice.  The medics rushed over, but it was too late… just too late.  Duo was dead by the time they got there, just barely, the paramedics guessed that he had died within five minutes before they got to the scene; by the time they were there the rebels had fled, so there was no fit compensation.  Heero sighed, sitting on his bed and gazing out his window thinking.  To think that he had just stood and happily waved goodbye to the other boy on the mission that would end up killing him.  Wasting time online and with friends when he could have been helping…. Or trying to get there to save the teen, to save that beautiful--- A small growl came from the young Japanese man.  He wasn't going to blame himself, he couldn't.

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried

It all fell apart

What it meant to me

Will eventually

Be a memory

Of a time when I tried so hard

            Heero didn't know how long he sat there, still in his room on his bed just gazing out the window and off into space.  He closed his eyes as his thoughts turned.  Why had he waited so long?  Why hadn't he told Duo the way he felt a long time ago?  Why he asked himself, then he answered.  Because he had been afraid.  Simple.  He had been to scared to tell, to let his feelings show themselves.  He kept his eyes closed, for the first time in his life he allowed the tears to come. He allowed the pain to come, to take over.  He didn't wipe them away or hold them back, he just sat still, crying silently, and thought.  He had worked so hard on that poem, on how to tell the braided American pilot how he felt, but it didn't matter anymore.  Nothing mattered anymore.  He looked at the crumpled, tearstained, ripped, ragged piece of typed paper and the poem printed on it.  He started to crumple it once more to throw it out, then stopped.  He wouldn't throw it out, no, he'd keep it, and use it as a reminder of what hiding your emotions got you.  He would use it to remind himself to be more open, clearer on what he was feeling.

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end it doesn't even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end it doesn't even matter

            Heero covered his face with his hands as he let himself fall back onto the bed, still crying silently.  He had done so much, he was so ready for everything to be okay, and then tragedy struck.  With Duo's help he had come so far from the emotionless soldier he had been.  Duo had shown him what it was to have fun, to smile, to laugh, to dance, to sing, to party, to be with friends, to have a good time.  Duo had done all of that, and the only thing Heero had done was push the boy away.  It had seemed like nothing was ever going to change, and then the American died.  And now was when his emotions came out.  Was it really that way with him?  Was the only way for him to find his emotions for the one person in his life that had ever cared for him to die?  It wasn't fair!  It wasn't right that Heero would start to feel after the one thing he loved, the one person that showed him affection had been ripped away from him.  He had lost his soldier's spirit, his soldier's indifference, only for the one that had made him human once more to die.

One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme to remind myself

How I tried so hard.

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so far.

            As Heero lay on his bed crying, his thoughts touched on all the time that he had known Duo.  What was it now?  Four years?  That sounded right.  He remembered how the longhaired youth always had made him so angry.  The baka had mocked absolutely everything about him: his hair, his clothes, his fighting technique, his attitude, his temper, his looks, everything.  Then there were all those jealous looks that the boy used to cast Relena every time that she decided to cling on Heero's arm.  The possessiveness those violet eyes had shown.  Then there was that way that Duo had always managed to scare off and shut up anyone that had anything bad to say about the emotionless Japanese teen.  His mind then skipped over every fight that the two of them had had.  When they first met they had fought, then again the second time they met and over and over again.  They always had fought.  Looking over the past Heero felt regret.  He had been a jerk, all those times that Duo had tried to tell him that, and all he did was walk off to work.  Heero couldn't believe how stupid he had been, and he hadn't ever apologized for any of it.

Things aren't they way they were before,

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew back then

But it all comes back to me in the end.

            Heero didn't know when he fell asleep, he just knew that he was awaken by an insistent knock at his door.  He rubbed at his face, wiping away the last remnants of his tears from the day and night before then ran a hand through his hair before going and opening the door to his apartment.  He blinked some as he saw Relena, Sally, Wufei, Trowa, Quatre and Milliardo crowding into the hallway outside his place.  He stood there for a minute then shook his head and stepped aside, inviting his friends inside.  Once everyone was inside Heero went and got drinks, having all of the other's sit down in his living room.  He came back; they made small talk for a while, and left soon after they had come.  As they slowly left one by one, the each offered condolences to the ex-pilot.  He nodded to each and thanked them then sighed and went back over to the couch, sitting down as he felt himself numb.  He was past crying, he wasn't sure he would have been able to cry any more even if he had wanted to.  He noticed something as he sat there; he noticed just how much he had changed.  He wasn't emotionless, wasn't unfeeling, wasn't a pilot, wasn't a soldier.  He closed his eyes as he thought Duo wouldn't believe how far I've come from who I was… not that he ever really knew… I guess that's because I never really knew either.  It's hard to know yourself when you can't feel… Duo gave me that too.  Damn you Maxwell… why'd you have to die?  His thoughts turned to the little bit of his past that he still remembered from before Dr. J and Odin Lowe had gotten a hold of him, before they had started his training.  As he thought about that little boy that had been taken from his family, he compared that child to the young man that he was now, there were many similarities.  Both were confused, both lost and alone, so alone.  Both numb after a tragedy.  It all came back to him; every aspect of that lost little boy came back to him, whether he wanted it to or not.

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried

It all fell apart

What it meant to me

Will eventually be

A memory of a time when

I tried so hard.

            Heero didn't know when he fell asleep, and for a few days he wasn't even sure what of what seemed to be happening to him was real and what was dreams.  He just wasn't sure of anything.  He couldn't tell when he was simply thinking and when he was dreaming.  He didn't want to.  He hated himself.  He had kept his feelings to himself for so long and now it meant nothing.  He didn't want to think about it.  Maybe… if he had told Duo the way he felt long ago, this never would have happened.  He couldn't be sure, and so he blamed himself.  And then, he had worked so hard to find the right words, and yet, once they came, once he was finally ready to say how he really felt, the chance to was gone… the opportunity lost forever.  He wondered if the pain would fade; if the self-hatred would lessen.  That's what everyone else said would happen, but he couldn't see that.  And he didn't want it.  He wanted to feel hurt, he wanted to blame himself.  He didn't want to forget, not any of it.  He didn't want to make the same mistake again.

I've put my trust in you,

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There's only one thing you should know

            After a few weeks, Heero was starting to get over Duo; starting.  His anger was at himself any longer, it was at the other boy… though more so at the people that killed him, the ones that took the beautiful boy, the American angel away from him.  Heero wasn't able to say goodbye at the funeral, so he said goodbye a few weeks later.  It was private, just him, a rose, a poem, and a grave.  Heero cried.  No one was around to hear his hurt words, or see his tears.  His voice rang through the empty graveyard as he sat at the foot of the grave, the rose laid at the top.

            "Duo… you never got what you deserved, I loved you, I always loved you.  When we first met and you shot me, it may not have been love, but it was lust.  You were strong, no matter how weak I said you were.  You were more beautiful then any angel.  You were smarter than anyone I have ever, or will ever meet.  You were perfect in every way.  You were my fallen angel, and now you've earned your wings once again.  My angel, my love, goodbye."