Warning: Weirdness, perverted humor, and OOCness ensues.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, Playboy, or As Seen On TV or any of the products they endorse. The author is also not responsible for any physical or emotional reactions to any aspect of this fic.
Dimension Zero One
His boobs were starting to sag again.
Hiiro growled none-too-happily and pushed up his artificial B-cups to his chin, hoping they'd stay this time. He could almost swear the pair of flesh-colored globes laughed at him before they dropped back down to his waist. He shoved them up his face again and perched his ear to them, listening closely.
There was laughter, but it wasn't coming from his fake breasts. Across the room, Mr. and Mrs. Frankenstein were unashamedly pointing and snickering at him. Hiiro mentally committed their faces to memory for future vengeance. Scowling, he turned around into an uninhabited corner to dig out the awful wedgie his black leotard was giving him.
Yes, Hiiro Yui was at a Halloween party as a Playboy bunny. He wasn't exactly sure himself how it had happened—the particular details were a blur to him—but they did include Usagi in a whining bad mood and some sort of threat to his manhood. Whatever it was, it had worked. She had coerced him into accompanying her to this horrid ball in a costume he would have rather seen her in, except she wasn't here yet.
He should've known Usagi was going to be late, or else he wouldn't have been standing there looking like a total loser. Hiiro grumped and gave into the urge to scratch his tights, shooting the two pirates who had the balls to catcall the blackest of black looks.
If only he had been able to fit his Beretta 9mm into his outfit, he thought gloomily, sweeping his eyes around the darkened room. A skeletal shriek of impending doom scaled into the air at the door, signaling the arrival of another guest. He glared at the entrance, willing Usagi to appear from the manmade mist.
Instead, a shorter, much more slender version of himself emerged. Midnight eyes under a shade of tousled brown hair landed on him. Hiiro left the comfort of his corner sanctuary and walked robotically up to his feminine mirror image.
"Usagi." He stared. "You're—"
She started to smile widely, but at the last moment, squelched it into a well-imitated glower. "Hn."
Usagi was rather pleased with herself. Her Halloween theme this year had executed flawlessly. She had borrowed a set of Hiiro's clothes, bought a wig and contacts, and taped down her breasts into the perfect female replication of her boyfriend. She even had his gun tucked into the front of her spandex shorts, fully loaded, just the way he wore it.
And Hiiro didn't look half-bad, either. The bunny ears looked good on him, as did the fluffy white tail on his well-sculpted behind. The fake chest seemed a little too much, but Usagi wasn't going to complain. She was going to be sociopathic Hiiro tonight and she was going to do a damn good job of it.
"Let's dance," she ordered, striding to the dance floor without waiting for him.
It took a few seconds for Hiiro-the-Playboy-bunny to register what was happening. He turned and again stared pensively at Usagi-now-Hiiro-Yui standing stiffly beneath the disco mirror ball's rainbow lights.
For an attempt to look at sexy as he was, she was doing a pretty decent job. As he headed toward her, allowing her to pull him into her arms, he wondered briefly if he could convince her into leaving her costume on when they went to bed tonight.
So the two mismatched lovers danced long into the hours of darkness.
-----
Dimension Zero Two
"Duo, oh God, Duo!"
"'Sagi, 'Sagi. . ."
"Oh, yes, Duooo!"
-----
Dimension Zero Three
Usagi did not blame herself at all for her and Trowa's last break-up, because simply, she never did. Their questionable relationship had been going on and off the past two years; the record high being one month and the record low was eighteen hours. It had nothing to do with the matter of love between the two—God only knew how much she loved him and he loved her—it was just that Cupid hated them both.
This time, it had been five days before their imminent split up. The cause had been a straightforward comment on how his hair was unpleasantly poking her in the eye during a heated make-out session. He had reacted rather violently by speaking in full sentences. That was the anniversary of their 100th separation.
As a result, she lounged now, patiently across from her chronically taciturn boyfriend-not-boyfriend. Anticipation was heavy in the air—any time now, they would spontaneously get back together as they had countless times in the past. There wasn't a real ritual to expedite the process; it was just a matter of waiting.
So they waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, Trowa blinked that one jade eye of his. Usagi squealed in delight at the sign and launched herself in his arms.
"I missed you so much, Trowa!" she wailed, straddling his hips and planting kisses all over his face. Usagi pulled back, sighing pleasurably. "Let's never break up again, okay?"
The edges of his lips quirked up in a yes.
She smiled sweetly, leaning in to kiss the tip of his nose. "I have a surprise for you. Close your eyes."
Trowa arched an eyebrow at her, but did as she asked, barely able to contain his excitement. If she made him wait any longer, he might have to make a noise.
He did not see his re-girlfriend pull out the scissors she had hidden behind the pillow next to him. He did not see the sadistic grin on her face. He did not hear the disturbing sound of metal grinding against metal. He did not see his precious sienna-colored bang fall dejectedly into her lap.
Usagi pressed her lips to his ear, whispering hotly into it, "You can open your eyes now."
He opened his eyes, and he had binocular vision.
New record: Four minutes.
-----
Dimension Zero Four
Quatre needed an heir. Quatre had not been married. Quatre had had no girlfriend.
That was why his dearest, bestest older sister Iria had ordered a mail-order bride for him, even as she had the nerve to call him a flaming homosexual.
He had been quite offended at first, claiming that his pink shirts were an economical purchase and that they did look rather good on him.
Then she had called him a narcissistic homosexual.
Anyway, so Iria had ordered a bride, professing they would have the most attractive children. Her assertions of his wife-to-be's beauty were insurmountable, and that was really all his sister would talk about—how blonde and blue-eyed she was, how petite but perfectly proportioned her body was. The three times Quatre had attempted to inquire about the woman's qualifications, Iria would only speak louder of loveliness and splendor.
It had set a seed of fear in his heart.
So the day had come with Quatre standing anxiously in the foyer of his not-so-humble abode with his overexcited sister at his side, as a sleek black car pulled up in front of his doorway. Being the gentlemen that he was, he had went forward to help the lady out. But as soon as he had laid his hand on the handle, the door promptly opened and struck him where his precious family jewels were situated. There had been a blinding white light, the face of an angel, and then he had blacked out.
When he had wakened, he found himself in his bed, stripped down to his boxers and his soon-to-be wife curled next to him in a little lace nightie. She had smiled charmingly at him and introduced herself as 'Usagi.' He had passed out again shortly from blood loss.
That was the beginning of their blossoming relationship. They had eloped that day in a private, lavish wedding ceremony.
In the days to come, Quatre soon learned of why his sweetest and most lovable sister had held back Usagi's non-physical attributes.
The woman was a complete slob and her manners were atrocious to non-existent. The maids had to come by at least fifteen times a day to tidy up their bedroom. Two of them quit the second day. The cook, who had been in their family for years, left the third day, unable to keep up with all the demands of Usagi's bottomless stomach. Devastated, Quatre had taken to cooking and cleaning himself. His pretty wife watched and ate while he did so.
Later, in an attempt to educate her for an upcoming formal, Quatre had made a mistake in raising his voice, just once out of sheer frustration. She had not spoken to him for two weeks after that, kicked him out of their room, and in a depressed state, ate twice as much. Only after much pleading of forgiveness did she re-invite him back into their marital bed.
But overall, she wasn't so bad. Sometimes, if Quatre was not too careful with her, she would burst into tears that put the Niagara Falls to shame, all the while blubbering, "You don't love me, do you, Quatre?" in that most abject tone, and he would attempt to placate her through flowers and chocolates and "I love you more than anything's. Then she would blush and kiss him shyly with her chocolate-covered lips. He liked the making up part the most.
Now, with Usagi out of the country visiting her family, he found himself missing her almost unbearably. He would have accompanied her if not for the demands of his work.
As he readied himself for bed, he wondered what she was doing now. Perhaps she was slumbering and dreaming of him as he did of her, or—
Or maybe she was out partying away in the scandalous nightlife of Tokyo. Maybe she had gotten back with an ex-boyfriend and was now currently doing unspeakable things with him that even they had never attempted.
The appalling thought nearly sent him to his knees. Quatre staggered to his bed woozily and dropped into it. He twisted uncomfortably—even the softness of the silk sheets couldn't soothe him.
Something warm shifted next to him. A leg, he was sure it was a leg, slender and smooth, arched over his. He practically toppled off the bed as he faced the intruder.
His pretty seafoam eyes widened. "U-Usagi?"
"Hi," she whispered, smiling bashfully. She sat up.
"What are you doing here?" he asked with incredulity, hands reaching for her. "I thought you weren't coming back until Sunday."
"Well," she said, drawing out the word uncertainly with her eyelashes lowered over her eyes, "I missed you."
He stared at her dumbly. "I missed you, too." He was rewarded with the brightest, most captivating smile.
"Oh, I got you something!" She scrambled off the mattress and tore into her suitcase, sending articles of clothing everywhere. Usagi hopped back into the bed and pushed a small box into his hands, urging him eagerly. "Open it!"
Quatre gently tore away the silver wrapping and touched the cool surface of a miniature crystal grand piano. He placed it in the middle of his palm, admiring the craftsmanship. "It's beautiful. Thank you."
Usagi pointed to the side of the trinket excitedly. "It plays music, too! I don't remember what it was called. Moonlight something."
"Moonlight Sonata?"
"Right! You're so smart, Quatre," she murmured, snuggling against him, sapphire eyes large and sparkling as brightly as the ornament he held. "So you like it?"
"I love it."
She sighed contentedly. "I'm glad. It was only two-thousand dollars, too!"
Quatre, slightly spaced out with euphoria, processed what she had just said, and proceeded to faint.
-----
Dimension Zero Five
Wufei was not feeling too pleased today. He knew it was going to be a bad day from the time he had woken up.
It had started with his cold tea. He had a very strict schedule to meet everyday, from the exact millisecond of waking, to the amount of time he needed to wash, to the moment he sat down to his morning tea that his maid would serve to him at seven-thirty in the morning every single day.
Today, it had been cold. He had fired the woman and set to make the tea himself, but performing the task set him back fifteen minutes, fifteen precious minutes in which he could have avoided the colossal eight-car traffic accident that required four of the five lane freeway to be closed, that in turn set him back by two hours, in which he missed a crucial meeting with potential new clients.
In an attempt to rectify the situation, he had gulped down his pride and groveled for forgiveness and a new appointment. They had graciously declined.
Afterwards, humiliated and enraged, he checked up on Wallstreet, only to find that his stocks had fallen.
Then, the paperwork had piled up.
The reservation he had set for a dinner date with his girlfriend had been nullified.
And now, as he sat an hour later with the worst seat in the house, Usagi had still not shown up. His hands clenched around the water glass, onyx eyes narrowing dangerously at the couple who kept turning to stare at him. It wouldn't be his fault if his fork suddenly landed in the woman's eye.
The chair across from his screeched back. He glared. "You're late."
Usagi smiled obliviously, flapping out her napkin and folding it demurely on her lap. "I'm sorry! I couldn't decide which dress I wanted to get for the charity ball."
Wufei took a large swig of water and set it down none-too-gently. She winced.
"Don't be mad, Wu-chan," Usagi supplicated, rose pink lips set in a pout. She made her eyes as large as possible, sniffling for effect. When his dark frown didn't leave his face, she decided to resort to other measures. Carefully, she leaned over the dainty table, shifting her arms so that they lay parallel to her sides. Then, she squeezed the flanks of her bosom gently.
The top mounds of her breasts nearly popped out of her low-cut shirt. The amount of cleavage bared was so fascinating, Wufei couldn't look away even if he wanted to.
Usagi, letting him take his view, ordered their dinner, fed him, drove them home, and put him to bed.
Well, someone had to be the man in the relationship.
-----
It was spring cleaning time at the Time Gates again, although Sailor Pluto wasn't sure how it was that time of the year because the Time Gates was supposedly timeless despite how oxymoronic that sounded. In any case, she had just finished wiping down the walls and was ready to wax the floor when she spied a few lingering spots. She adjusted her frilly apron over her sailor uniform as she bent to scrub a particularly difficult to reach area of the endless black nothingness. The dust bunnies that she had been trying to obliterate hurriedly bounced out of her way. Growling, she hunted them down, though to no effect. They leapt up from the undulating floor and took to the airless air.
She waved the As Seen On TV magnetic duster threateningly at the dust bunnies, but the inanimate-animate creatures were relentless. They switched tactics and chased her across the rippling, misty void, cornering her at the Edge of Dimensions.
Pluto, ready to Dead Scream the little buggers to oblivion, whipped out her staff. She held it precariously before her as she whispered, "Dead. . ."
But they were too quick even for her. The dust bunnies had already commenced their attack. They puffed up and burst into inhale-able* sized bits and were now currently being sucked up the infuriated Time Guardian's nose.
Pluto's sneeze was gargantuan. The first few gasps of air heralded the immense shaking of her entire body and the mammoth explosion of spittle and air from her lips. Unfortunately, she had also rotated in all decency toward the Edge of Dimensions she had backed up against the same time she had finished up the phrase. The destructive sphere of maroon energy discharged from the garnet orb and headed right into that wall.
She managed to mutter one thing as she watched the fluid panel tear like rice pape, before the repercussions of the attack sent her flying back into the opposite wall and into unconsciousness.
"Oh, shit."
-----
Dimension Zero One which has become Dimension Zero Two and also Dimension Zero Three as well as Dimension Zero Four and Dimension Zero Five
Dimension One to Five Usagi's woke up with a terrible headache. They contributed it to the eleven day-old pizza they had eaten hours before and went back to sleep.
Dimension One to Five Hiiro's were in the shower when the water went ice cold. They added the maintenance men to their hit lists.
Dimension One to Five Duo's snored.
Dimension One to Five Tro—
Ah, well, you get the idea.
*inhale-able: Not a real word, but I liked it so I made it up :P
AN: This is one of those oneshot?s I have taken a liking to writing lately. I guess if I get some hopeful feedback for continuation, I'll think on it. ^^;; Otherwise, I have lost my will to write. O.o;; Anyways, I guess all those dimensiony fics led me to write this. X_X And the part about Usagi squeezing her boobs together was borrowed from a Friends episode. :D I love Joey. XDThank you for reading and feel free to comment/flame/praise me. ^^()