I don't need this shit. Ryan thinks, not for the first time since he started this relationship with the troubled Marissa. But it may be the last. There is just so much one person can take. And Ryan can take a lot. Or at least he used to be able to take a lot.
He doesn't know if his threshold of tolerance has gone down. Or if it is just the sheer amount of crap has finally piled high enough to render it inescapable. In Chino things had a way of balancing. You got crap - you gave crap. You got hit - you hit back. Nothing got buried, no rage bottled up for long. Here you have to be polite and non-confrontational and pretend like everything is okay.
Marissa is not okay. He is NOT okay. He realizes just how true that statement is as he repeatedly slams the door of the Range Rover. The handle is squeezed tightly in his hand. The motion strains his muscles and he feels the reverberation throughout his body. He is scaring her. He wants to. He realizes in a blinding moment of clarity that the only thing that will make him feel better is for this to be over. He can't handle this. He can't save her. He can only save himself.
When he came here he didn't know how to fit in. He wasn't sure what to do with good fortune and open hearts. Friendship and family were something other people had. Something his girlfriends had –sometimes. Something he witnessed and enjoyed in small doses. But nothing permanent. He had latched on to Marissa in an attempt to find his place. Taking care of broken people was something he was good at. She was his mother in an educated, privileged package. It didn't matter what you had if you couldn't deal with what you didn't.
He can deal with anything. He already has. He grew up with abusive, absent, neglectful parents. Crime, hunger, cold, these are no strangers to him. Upheaval, jail, these were old hat. He can even deal with the good stuff as well. The Cohen's are the most genuinely good people he has ever met. Their generosity is perhaps the biggest shock life has thrown at him so far. Kirsten's concern is constant. Sandy notices everything and is always ready with good advice. And Seth, he feels like he has known Seth for years.
The camaraderie he feels with Seth is comforting. He feels like it is a gift. In Chino he didn't think about the future. If he had he would have pictured ex-wives and child support payments. Or maybe hard work and nights spent alone in front of the TV nursing a beer. He would have been alone either way. But with Seth he feels like he won't have that problem.
You've got to make a choice. He had told Seth twice. Life is full of choices that need to be made. He has made his. Marissa will drive herself to the therapist. She will stay and get help from a professional. Or she won't. That is her choice.
It is sad but he is more concerned with Seth's decision.
"So who did you pick man? Summer or Anna?" He tries not to sound too interested in the answer.
Seth looks about as depressed as he feels when he answers. "Neither."
Add another shock to Ryan's list. "What?"
Seth ducks his head and turns away from Ryan's questioning eyes. He makes a show of reorganizing the cds on Ryan's couch. He'd burned them all. "I couldn't choose. It was too much to ask, sensory overload. Marvel or DC, Betty or Veronica?"
"Christmas or Hanukkah?" Ryan offers.
"Exactly." Seth nods.
"And you want both." Ryan explains.
"It is not like that. Dude it was a mistake, will no one ever let that go? I'm indecisive. When did that become a crime?"
Ryan laughs. "It's not a crime Seth, but you can't expect people to understand. I mean they like you. A lot."
"And I liked them a lot." Seth sticks out his bottom lip in an adorable pout.
"Exactly the same? Neither one a little bit more than the other?"
Seth shrugs and for once remains silent.
Ryan tries to guess how he feels. He tries to read him. But for once he can't. "So you chose not to choose. What is the thought process behind that?"
"I didn't want to hurt anybody."
"So you hurt everybody?" Ryan asks incredulous.
Another odd silence from Seth. Then an abrupt subject change. "So how did last night go for you?"
Ryan doesn't want to talk about what he'd been thinking all day so he tries to brush it off. "Well there were no golden lassos involved."
"Marissa was acting kinda weird when I saw her. Is she okay? I mean how much trouble is she in her Winona Ryder impersonation?"
"Marissa was acting kinda drunk." Ryan corrects.
Seth does a double take, probably less at the non-surprising news of Marissa's intoxication but, at the unexpected anger in Ryan's voice. "What happened?"
Ryan rolls his eyes. "She almost got me put back in jail is all."
"Not cool." Seth understates.
"Yeah I didn't think so." Ryan looks Seth in the eye. "I broke up with her."
"Do wha- do do what? Seth begins to splutter in over the top shock.
"You heard me." Ryan reaches over to grab a random book from his nightstand. He needs something to distract himself.
Seth takes the book from Ryan's hand. "But I thought you were all into the bird with a broken wing thing she has going on?"
Ryan snatched the book back. "I thought you were into the whole bitch with a soft side thing Summer has going on."
"I was." Seth informs.
Ryan got up and put the book on his dresser. He fought the urge to pace. "Was? But the beautiful fan girl lessened this obsession?"
"Anna couldn't lessen Summer." Seth insists.
Ryan realizes he is pacing mid pace and stops. "So why aren't you with her?"
"I thought we changed the subject." Seth says to Ryan's back.
Ryan turns around and spreads out his hands in defiance. "Well I changed it back."
Seth sits down heavily on the bed. "I kept waiting for the choice to be clear. I didn't really want both…"
Ryan huffs in indignation and disbelief.
"I didn't want either." Seth finishes.
Ryan is again confused.
"I kept thinking Summer/Anna, Anna/Summer. And yes Sanna would have been an easier option. Or Aummer… which isn't even a name. But I couldn't help thinking maybe I wanted someone else entirely."
Ryan can't believe what he is hearing. "Who?"
Seth again averts his eyes. "No one, man. I'm just saying. It was all too Dawson's creek." Seth waits a beat. "From what I heard, not having ever watched the show myself, of course."
Ryan thinks about laughing at the joke and letting it go. He thinks about suppressing the emotions Seth brings out in him. But then he closes his eyes and feels the car handle in his hand. He doesn't want to lose control again. He needs to stop lying and pretending. Seth isn't fragile like Marissa. He can handle some truth. Stepping up to his friend he gently places his hand on Seth's arm. "Tell me."
Seth looks down at the arm and then back up, mild panic in his eyes. "Tell you what? I've got nothing to tell. No big secret here. Nope I'm an open book. Like a big open easy to read book. Dick and Jane, type stuff here. See Seth ramble. See Seth ramble incoherently until all memory of the original conversation's topic is lost to those involved."
"See Ryan tell Seth to cut the bullshit and answer the question." He squeezes the forearm underneath his grasp.
"See Seth call Ryan a dick" Seth says hotly but doesn't pull away.
Ryan feels himself give a menacing stare. "You just can't make a decision. That is what this is really about."
"Well I'm not really used to the process." Seth says in his defense.
"So basically you were just waiting for Summer
or Anna to make the decision for you."
Seth nods his head empathetically. "That would have been nice."
Ryan suddenly realizes that while Seth isn't fragile he probably knows a thing or two about hiding his emotions. Maybe constant babble is his way of relieving frustration. Maybe if Ryan had been raised by regular parents he could have used that method instead of violence. "So this other person you like. Would they need to make the first move?"
Seth sighs. "Probably."
Ryan hasn't moved his hand from its position so he does now. He slowly drags it higher casually brushing imaginary lent from Seth's pectoral region. "I hope this person is bold. Otherwise you are going to be alone for a long time."
Seth gulps audibly and says "I hope he is too."
Ryan smiles and Seth realizes what he had said.
Seth raises a shocked hand to cover his lips, knocking Ryan's hand away in the process. He then turns to run.
Ryan stops him with two hands on his hips. "He is".
And with the first touch of Seth's lips Ryan feels relieved. He feels hopeful. When Seth leans in and takes two handfuls of Ryan's shirt moaning, Ryan feels jubilant.
This feels like home and Christmas. It feels like love and forever. And so much better than cold night air and metal clanging beneath his grip.
I need this, Ryan thinks for the first time since he started this relationship with Seth. He hopes it won't be the last.