Disclaimer:  Sigh, once again, not mine, never have been and never will be.  Really.  No, it's true.

Rating:  PG

Spoilers:  None specifically but dealings with the pregnancy.

Category:  Christmas.  Goren/Eames UST, friendship

Author:  Traci     traci_ann@yahoo.com

Summary:  It's nearing Christmas and Alex has been acting strangely after giving birth to her nephew (she was a surrogate).  Bobby is determined to find out why.

Author's Notes:  K, 'tis the season for Christmas fics so it was CI's turn this time…and it was snowing on my way into work this morning (doing Happy Hamster dance for that).  Alright, it was really only flurries but point is, it was snow! 

And again a great big thanks to Tracy for betaing for moi.

With A Wink and A Smile

"Egg Nog, Shmeg Nog," snarled Detective Alexandra 'Alex' Eames, pushing aside the drink handed to her by her partner.  "I'm already sick of Christmas and it's only the beginning of December."

A tall man with salt-and-pepper hair smiled and sat across from her at the bar table.  "And when will you be expecting the three ghosts to visit?"

"I'm not Scrooge, really.  I love Christmas but when the radio stations start playing Christmas music all day the day after Halloween?  No, that's too much."

Robert Goren took a sip of the eggnog his partner had passed on.  "It's really good, Alex, you sure you don't want it?"

She shook her head.  "Feel free.  Knock yourself out."

"What are you plans for Christmas this year?" he asked.  It was nice to have her back.  He had never realized how much he liked having her around until he was assigned a temporary partner while Alex was on maternity leave giving birth to her nephew.

"Most likely going to my sister's." 

He noticed her eyes become distant.  Never seeing her as a mother, he had been surprised by the changes that seemed to take place in the later months of her pregnancy.  She had put up an act that she was glad she was just a surrogate but something in her eyes, in her voice told him that maybe, just maybe she was not as happy about it as others thought.  "How is the little bundle of joy?"

Laughing, Alex took the glass of eggnog from him and took a sip herself.  "Keeping them up all night."

"Are… are you sorry you…"  He shook his head.  "Never mind."

Her brown eyes found his.  "Am I sorry I did it?  No."  She smiled.  "My sister and brother-in-law are the most wonderful parents any child could hope for."

"But a part of you had wished it had been yours?" he asked in a tone barely above a whisper.

She said nothing but her eyes answered before she looked away.  "It wouldn't be a good thing with the job I have."

Goren watched silently as she quickly finished the eggnog she had not wanted.

*****************

"I don't know what to get him," Eames whined as she sifted through the numerous baby clothes.  "They grow so quickly.  Do I get a larger size?"

Bobby concealed a grin as he helped his partner shop for her nephew on their lunch break.  "It's winter so I think a larger size would be fine.  I'm sure with all the bundles of clothes he'll have on a larger size would work better anyway."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

As he stood and watched her look at all the clothes, his heart ached for her.  Though she had only carried the child it was obvious she had formed an emotional bond with him.  A bond she could not continue with.  He lifted his hand to reach out and touch her but pulled back slowly.

*******************

"Are you going to the Christmas party?" Goren asked his partner when the memos were dropped on their desks.

"Doubt it."

Over the past two weeks she had been drawing further and further into herself, turning down invitations for dinner and drinks and such.  Bobby had been concerned.  It was not like her.  He suspected the reason was lying in a crib across town.  "Come on, Alex, it will be fun.  I'm sure we can get Carver or Deakins wasted enough to dance on a desk."

She looked over at him and couldn't help but laugh.  "Just take pictures for me."  Standing up, she grabbed her coat.  "I'm going out for awhile.  I'll be back."

He sat and watched her leave.  It was not like her at all.

******************

The cold wind stung her face as the tears fell.  She had the wooden bench all to herself.  Herself.  Alone.  It wasn't fair.  It wasn't…  Alex glanced up upon having a cup of coffee placed in front of her.

"Thought you might want something warm."

She swallowed her tears and took the steaming cup.  "How did you find me?"

Bobby sat beside her.  "I suspected you might go where children would be."  His gaze fell upon the small bundled children running around the playground.  "Alex, there's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling."

Jumping up, she nearly spilled the coffee on him.  "How dare you think you know what I'm feeling!"

"Alex…"

"Maybe I made a mistake.  Maybe I thought I could handle it…."  Tears filled her eyes once again causing Bobby to stand up.  "Maybe I was wrong," she admitted quietly.

Taking the coffee from her hands, he placed in on the bench then pulled her close to him.  "I would never try to pretend I know how you're feeling, Alex.  I just said there's nothing wrong with it," he whispered.  "But you don't have to go through it alone."

"I don't even like kids," she sobbed into his coat. 

He tightened his arms around her and chuckled.  "Lots of great mothers aren't fond of children."

She pulled back and looked up at him, resting her chin on his chest.  "But that's just it, I'm not a mother."

Keeping one arm tightly around her waist, he lifted his other hand to her face and softly pushed strands of blonde out of her face.  "Maybe not by genetics, but you went through the stages.  You bonded with him."

"What's wrong with me?"

"Absolutely nothing."  With his index finger, he wiped away a small snowflake that had landed on her nose. 

"Then why do I now have this irrational thought of wanting children?" she asked with a small laugh.

He smiled broadly at her.  "Because you would make a wonderful mother."

Sadness filled her eyes.  "What if I never know?"

Wrapping both arms around her once again, his eyes remained locked into hers.  "You will.  You'll find Mr. Right and settle down and have lots and lots of little Eames' running around wreaking havoc on the world."

Alex laughed and buried her face in his chest once again.  As her laugh subsided, she found herself looking up at him once again.  "You'll make a great father."

"Could you imagine little Goren's running around?" he snickered.

But she remained serious when she replied, "Yes."

It was out there.  In just one word she had given him the subtle hint he had been waiting for.  In just one word she had given herself the answer to the unasked questions she had.

"Deakins is probably ranting about our disappearing act by now," Goren whispered while admiring the way the snowflakes fell upon his partners hair.

"Yeah, he probably is.  I guess we should get back."  She made no effort to move and was grateful when he stayed still as well.

"What are you doing for Christmas?" he whispered.

"I was thinking of going to my office's Christmas party," she softly replied with a smile.  "You?"

He smiled back.  "I was thinking the same thing.  However, I seem to be in need of a date…"

"Hmmm, and so am I."

"Of course, I met this really great girl in the park but I don't know how to ask her if she'd like to go with me."

Her eyes sparkled.  "Amazing.  We have the same problem.  Cause I was just sitting on this bench when a really sweet man approached me.  I'd love to go with him but…"

They burst out laughing and Goren let her go.  "We really should get back before people become suspicious."

"They have nothing to be suspicious about," Alex replied.

Bobby stopped and looked at her.  "Not yet, anyway."  With a wink, he continued walking with her by his side.

The End